# I unpublished my books.



## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

I unpublished my books about two weeks ago, save for my fiction, football novel.

I'm in the process of undergoing intensive treatment for the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and severe depression, I decided it would be prudent.  In August, we lost a Writer Cafe writer to suicide.  We spoke a few times over the year or so I saw Rhonda in passing, and we would sometimes wave as we passed each other in the hallway.  What hit me in the gut the most, I knew some of her friends.  I knew how deeply her friends were impacted.  I spoke to her on the topic of suicide and at times, the hair on the back of my neck, stood up.  I knew something was off but unable to see or hear her, I had no way of knowing.  Which brings me to why I decided to retire my books and put the typewriter back in the closet.

I started intensive care for severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a Major Depressive Disorder.  In order to get the proper care for PTSD, it's said it get's much worse, before it gets better and Rhonda scared me.  My books, deal with suicide.  I worried if someone harmed themselves after reading my books, how would I handle that?  Rhonda's death was debilitating for a couple of days as I was confronted with other suicides.  A year after my suicide, I lost not one, but I lost two people to suicide.  

I started to hate my books.  I hated that I made myself vulnerable.  I hated that I had to pound the pavement and promote, such a difficult subject for me personally. I hated I had to say, "Hey!  Buy my book, and read about the nightmare that was my childhood, and about the night I turned to suicide."  It was affecting my health, and as a result, affected my family.

I appreciate what I learned about self-publishing here at the writer cafe.  Last November, I nearly lost my family, after I went missing for 14 hours.  The depression, had gotten the best of me, and I scared many people, and with my past, it's always a high risk.  As a result, many friends started bailing on me and abandoning relationships we once enjoyed.  However, when  I came here and opened up, so many of you friended me and allowed me to share and for that, I am appreciative and grateful.

My family, is doing 100% better.  I am getting the intensive therapy for the depression, and PTSD from the child abuse, as well as the severe suicide attempt.  As a person, things are looking up and I need to invest my energy there.  

Happy selling, and best of luck.  I still come around, just to read some of the spirited conversations or those moments when Writer Cafe writers achieve success and want to share it.  In my own way, I was successful.  I saved a few lives.  I started the healing process.  I made some real friends.  And I appreciate the gifts I have been given, that much more.


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## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

It seems like you've thought this out and are making the right choices for you and your family. I certainly don't have PTSD, but I recently began treatment for depression and panic disorder, and it does get better eventually. I've cut back my time on KB quite a bit, but I saw your topic and felt like I should give you a pat on the back and wish you the best of luck. 

Start feeling better soon!


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## Robert Stanek (Nov 16, 2013)

This writing life can, and does, take a heavy toll. Writing is a solitary craft, it can be a lonely craft -- and it's one I've been doing for 30 years, 20 as a published pro.

One of my stalkers for many years told people her goal was to get me to commit suicide: my sin being a writer she disliked. And she's still at it...

I'm a combat veteran, having served multiple tours in combat zones. I understand PTSD and depression. Many of those I served with came home broken, or not all.

Don't isolate yourself. I think the key is to stay connected with friends, family, others.

I don't know you, but I wish you the best of luck.


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## MissingAlaska (Apr 28, 2014)

Writing can serve many purposes in our lives.  For some, it is a way to make a living.  For others, it is therapeutic. We don't all have to be bestsellers or even sellers.  Sometimes, writing a story down, exploring our own subconscience in the process, and then tucking that work away into the recesses of a harddrive or on a shelf can be enough.  Sometimes that is the right answer. Though I dream of selling many books, ultimately, I write for myself.  It sounds like you've reached a turning point of sorts. That is a milestone you can be proud of.


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## 77071 (May 15, 2014)

You're a strong person and I'm so glad you're putting yourself and your family first!  As long as you keep the files, you can always republish if you ever decide you're ready.  Thank you for being so brave to share here and to keep on keeping on and working to get better.


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## Mike_Author (Oct 19, 2013)

Sorry to hear about the challenges you have been going through.  All the best with your recovery and hope you see you back in publishing when the time is right


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank You.

The isolation, was hammering me.  The symptoms for PTSD appeared in my life early on.  I've lived with it for as long as I can remember, but I've always, always found the way to pick myself back up from it, until this past year, and it's getting worse, and that's why I felt it prudent to retire my work.  Last fall, someone messaged me on F.B. and told me how close they were to taking their life, but they found my book, and decided to not take their life.  At first, I patted myself on the back but then I thought...it can happen again, but this time, with different results.  Supposed, I triggered someone.  As badly as I was already hurting after tearing back the scars during the writing of these books, losing a fellow writer here, knowing her friends are still hurting...almost losing the ones I love a year ago because they couldn't live with me anymore, it was time to put a cover over my work, until another day comes.

As I say, as a dad, husband, human, I feel optimistic about the future.  I am concerned at what is happening to my health.  I've experienced some cognitive imparement in the last 90 days, short term memory loss, more severe flashbacks, and I see the doctors and therapist a couple of times a week.  Today, I saw a specialist and he suggested I consider going back to the hospital in the near future if things don't improve with the PTSD symptoms.

Though, I didn't earn my PTSD serving my country, and as a teen who wanted to escape the hurt of child abuse, I feel a sense of acceptance when I sit in the waiting room with veterans who've developed PTSD after serving.  They ask me my story... I always, always, preface it with, "I didn't serve..."  Never the less, they call me brother because we realize the human body isn't enduring and at times, the human spirit has it's limitations, and for those of us that were hard pressed and survived...we earned the right to be known as survivors.


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## AJes (Nov 6, 2014)

I can't being to imagine what you're going though, but for what it's worth, I think you have massive strength for sharing what you did and the decisions that you've made. Strong love and many hugs.


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## EC Sheedy (Feb 24, 2011)

Christian, do everything within your power to get well. Please. You have the right to find peace and be happy. 

My best thoughts and wishes are with you.


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## heidi_g (Nov 14, 2013)

Christian Price said:


> they call me brother because we realize the human body isn't enduring and at times, the human spirit has it's limitations, and for those of us that were hard pressed and survived...we earned the right to be known as survivors.


Christian, my own experience with PSTD is that yes, depending on where you are, it can definitely get worse before it gets better. I've written a lot throughout my life. I attempted fiction writing for about 7 years in my twenties. It was all really dark stuff. I mean really dark. So... I also went through an intensive period of healing which lasted for about five years. I didn't return to writing fiction until almost fifteen years later. For me what that meant, is my perspective was broader. I have access to the dark as well as the light, now.

There's also suicide in my family. Very close. My mother, being one. I'm glad you were able to hear the effects that Rhonda's suicide had on those who care for her. It is hard for the ones left behind. Given all that, I'm one who TOTALLY BELIEVES healing is possible. However, I don't think you heal by staying in the dark. You have to balance out the dark experiences with light ones. It's an incredible journey to take. Very challenging and equally rewarding. If it's anything like mine, you'll question yourself at almost every turn, until... you wake up that day and... the joy is real and authentic again.

Magic. Real magic.


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## cinisajoy (Mar 10, 2013)

HUGSSSSSSS.


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## SunshineOnMe (Jan 11, 2014)

Stay strong, one day/minute at a time. You aren't alone. *big hug*


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## loriann (Jun 20, 2014)

Time for you to take care of you now and heal. Someday you may write again if you so desire but first things first. Somatic therapy has been the only thing that has helped me. God bless you.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Much thank's for the love and well wishes.  I'd like to say, I know my typewriter will come back out when it's time.  The books about my own personal suicide and circumstances around it...I don't know and I honestly feel peace about it.  

As I wrote Surviving the Moment After, I couldn't help but think about the people I personally knew to lose their life to suicide a year after I nearly lost mine.  They, like me, used a firearm and I knew to a degree what they saw in those final moments, and it shook me, badly.  I wanted this book, to be their book.  I wanted them to have the same voice I had, and warn others to not do it.  But last fall when I nearly fell again, I was humiliated.  Others, looked at me and they looked at me this time as a writer, before a human that simply buckled under a lifetime of mental illness and unchecked Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  My priorities were all out of sort...I was losing what I loved most about the life I fought so hard to have.

I started visiting the writer cafe in 2011, and I have enjoyed every moment of it.  I intend to come back as a lurker and a reader, but I continue to wish all of you success.  And I can tell to a degree, it's difficult to sit and write unlike 6 months ago.  Just this bit of writing, or posting, is tiring me out.


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## SB James (May 21, 2014)

I completely understand you reasons for unpublishing your books. And I can understand exactly why you have stopped writing. Writing can be cathartic for some people, but for others, it can trigger a depressive episode. I have experience both phenomena myself.
Please take care of yourself as you start to heal.


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## Janet Michelson (Jun 20, 2012)

More hugs for you, and I hope you have a successful journey to your peace. It may be two steps forward and one step back, but you can do this. We be here if you need us.


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## Becca Mills (Apr 27, 2012)

Hugs, Christian. It sounds like you are making the right decision for your own self-care. I hope you continue to drop by and that your desire to write -- more fiction, perhaps -- comes back in time.

I want to add that I think it highly unlikely your powerful story of survival triggered anyone to attempt suicide. It could've failed to convince someone not to make the attempt, but that's a very different thing. Please don't create that weight of doubt and concern to carry around. It just doesn't sound plausible to me.


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## EthanRussellErway (Nov 17, 2011)

Stay strong Brother!  I know you'll find a way to make your talents touch your readers in a positive, healing way.  Hang in there, prayers and best wishes are coming your way!


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## Sapphire (Apr 24, 2012)

Christian, I have no experience, personally, with PTSD or severe depression. However, I have seen the effects on people I know and the feelings of devastation. I first _met_ you here on Writers' Café and consider you an on-line forum friend. There is great depth to you as a human being. I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering.

You said the group in the waiting room recognize one another as survivors, regardless of the original cause of their struggles. You are a survivor. Get the help you need. Get better. Take care of yourself. Someday when you're lurking here, do check in with a short post just to say hello. Vaya con Díos.


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## mariehallwrites (Mar 14, 2013)

Good luck and I seriously am rooting for you! (hugs)


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## Lisa Grace (Jul 3, 2011)

*Hugs* to you and anyone here who is suffering. I will pray for you and your family to have healing, peace, and joy.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank You so much for the warm wishes.  The advice given, has been heartfelt, and priceless.

I plan on remaining active in the forum.  As I say, I do appreciate some of the spirited conversations and success stories.

I do miss the writing, but something terrible happens inside of my mind when I start.  For something, I love doing, it causes the depression to get worse and I am fighting for my life at this point with it.  Every week the medicines I am on, grows.  Today, we added 1 new, and increased the dosage of others with more to follow.  

Today, the flashback I lived through happened as I was walking to get my kids from school.  No warning.  No way to prepare for it (At this point in my therapy I don't have the grounding techniques trained counselors provide their clients with).  I saw it.  I smelled it.  I felt it.  In the 8 seconds it claimed my reality, I was no longer cognitive of my reality.  It had taken me hostage to an event that happened before I kissed a girl, or drove a car.  It was so real, I felt the urge to run away and I darted several strides before I stopped myself.

I have come to hate my books.  They were the catalyst to suggest to my subconscious mind it was okay to start to lift the curtain to things, I had thought, I had gotten over and forgotten.  I wish, I had written books that were fun to read, and write.  All but 1 of my books were fun, and enjoyable to write.  The book I most enjoyed writing, I finished in a month and it flowed so freely.

I'm taking it one day at a time.  I count the day's blessings.  I let my wife know I love her a few dozen times and my kids I try to treasure every moment.  I have this counseling 2 and sometimes 3 times a week.  Each time I come home, I crash for two to three hours.  It's the beginning of the healing, I deserve and need.  Perhaps when I arrive at that place in life, I will add an additional chapter to the book, and write of this time, and move on as a writer having this time to grow and learn from.


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## Honeybun (Nov 25, 2012)

Hugs and kudos to you for recognizing what steps are best for you to take next and being willing to take them.  
You have my thoughts and prayers.


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## Gertie Kindle (Nov 6, 2008)

You have a lot of courage and a lot of heart. I know you'll make it.


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## T.K. (Mar 8, 2011)

> I do miss the writing, but something terrible happens inside of my mind when I start. For something, I love doing, it causes the depression to get worse and I am fighting for my life at this point with it.


You are not alone, even though you may feel like it. After reading your heartfelt post I searched for more information online and ran across this article.

http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/06/secrets-of-the-creative-brain/372299/

It may help a little.

It may not.

The good news is that you recognize what is more important than writing, books, publishing, and sales - it's your life, your family, your children. Nothing compares to them. So let the writing go and be free from it. It is okay. I'm going to repeat that - it is okay NOT to write. It is better to be healthy, happy, and* here*. And it sounds like you already know this. I just wanted you to hear it from someone else.


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## Lisa Grace (Jul 3, 2011)

You are wise to step back. I call it broken record syndrome. Science has shown the more a memory is visited, the brain wires itself shortcuts to get to it more easily. Shutting the memory down is the best thing you can do. Forgive and forget is being found to be good advice from the science of how our brains are wired.


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## bluwulf (Feb 1, 2014)

Hugs to you.  I am so proud that you posted here and let us know what is going on. I've wondered every so often how you were doing.  

You have overcome so many hurdles that would have crushed anyone else.  You will pass through this.


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## MarilynVix (Jun 19, 2013)

You're thread was calling to me. I can feel your pain through the words of your posts. It made me think about how much writing is a journey. If it's time to make that journey follow a different path, so be it. Writing is so personal, or it wouldn't be real and deep. It's meant to speak on many levels, one being the connection with the reader. It seems like you are going through the healing process, and writing has taken you to a new understanding of the memories. 

Please don't forget about us. We'll be here at the Writer's Cafe when you choose to return. There have been times when some threads just keep me going. It's like a life line. So if anything, remember we'll listen, if you'd like to post. Please take care.


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## unkownwriter (Jun 22, 2011)

Christian, I wish you the best of luck. Do what you have to do to get well (or as well as possible). 

I won't go into details, but just know that I understand where you're coming from re:  the childhood. Some bad things while I was an adult didn't help. Too many suicides among family and friends, also.   

I made a decision early on not to write about my life, but to use those experiences and emotions as a well to dip from for the writing. No memoirs, no autobiography for me. I've worked very hard over the years to put those things behind me. You never "get over" things -- and depression caused by biology needs medication -- but you can get through them.

But you should know that you have no control or influence over someone's decision to kill themselves or not. Please do not take that burden upon yourself. Unless you took a gun, or some pills, or a rope, or whatever and physically helped them, even if they protested, you did not make anyone commit suicide. In fact, I'd bet your books probably gave people the hope that they could overcome whatever was in their life.

Don't be a stranger!


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## Marilyn Peake (Aug 8, 2011)

My heart goes out to you, Christian. It sounds like you're doing the best thing for yourself by stepping away from your writing right now and taking care of your health. That is a courageous thing to do. I hope you find inner peace and happiness.


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## Annette_g (Nov 27, 2012)

((((Hugs)))) Do what's best for you and your family.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

she-la-ti-da said:


> Christian, I wish you the best of luck. Do what you have to do to get well (or as well as possible).
> 
> I won't go into details, but just know that I understand where you're coming from re: the childhood. Some bad things while I was an adult didn't help. Too many suicides among family and friends, also.
> 
> ...


Over the previous 12 months, I had beat myself up, for writing about my hurt. And the reason, it was as I wrote about my childhood did things start to unravel, and that unraveling hurt the ones that I love most in this world, who never asked or were equipped to watch their dad, go to his knees. As children, we want to believe, I believe, our dad's are supermen. And, Supermen, never bleed...my kids, saw me bleed. Yesterday, my doctor put me on medication, used to treat combat veteran's nightmares. I took my first dose an hour before bedtime so I could get some sleep. Our daughter, has been sick off and on for about two weeks. She would miss school a day, or two and make it back in for a couple of weeks. This week, she's missed everyday and my wife took her to the doctors yesterday afternoon. Last night as I took my medication, my little girl, went bad from worse. Severe stomach pain, fever etc. As the medication's intended side effect took hold, my wife took our little one to the Emergency Room. It was well after 10:30, and it was raining. I felt helpless. My wife was already tired from going to my doctor's appointment, trauma therapist appointment, pediatrician, and finally the emergency room. They got home at 3:30 AM. Our little one is still under the weather. The pediatrician was interviewing my wife and rightfully so, my wife mentioned what my family had witnessed in me over the past year, and, family members endure what's known as secondary trauma. I sat down and talked to my daughter yesterday and she's hurting because she knows I bleed. Everyone, see's my physical scars. They are everywhere. What know one ever saw, was the invisible scars that produced the physical scars as well as the scars caused by the thing I did to escape my childhood.

I explained to my 10 year old, and she's seen people in wheel chairs, missing their leg. I used to be a nurse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, made it so, I couldn't work in that career anymore, and this was before I knew I had it. I explained to her, through these people were missing a leg, they still felt their feet, and toes. She was amazed. She's an A+ student, and an avid reader. I tickled her foot, and she felt the stimulus and I explained there were nerves running from her foot, to her brain and that's how she felt it. I also shared with her, when she wants popcorn, she decides to get up and go to the kitchen and grab some popcorn and nukes it. All of that is because her brain is communicating. She knows the scars. She knows the scars came because I was hurt really bad (doesn't know the details), she knows, daddy's guardian angel came down to help him when he was a boy. So, I explained to her, just like the people in wheel chairs who can feel their toes and feet though there's no longer a leg, daddy's nerves sometimes tell him the things that hurt him, are still going on though, we know, they aren't. She feels better knowing, I see my doctors, and she see's me take the medication to help me feel better.

But, I have to know, this has impacted their life, creating a common symptom in the life of someone with PTSD, guilt.

I can't say it enough, your encouraging voices, and online community friendship here, has been a welcoming dose of goodwill.


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## Guest (Nov 7, 2014)

This is a very good talk on suicide. A must watch. http://www.ted.com/talks/jd_schramm


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

bluwulf said:


> Hugs to you. I am so proud that you posted here and let us know what is going on. I've wondered every so often how you were doing.
> 
> You have overcome so many hurdles that would have crushed anyone else. You will pass through this.


I am alive.

I will survive, I fought a desperate battle to survive something, I regretted. I know, my thinking goes sideways when I am severely depressed and the anxiety has turned into a 5 alarm fire but I am getting help, for the first time in my life. It's only by divine grace, I survived.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Sapphire said:


> Christian, I have no experience, personally, with PTSD or severe depression. However, I have seen the effects on people I know and the feelings of devastation. I first _met_ you here on Writers' Cafe and consider you an on-line forum friend. There is great depth to you as a human being. I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering.
> 
> You said the group in the waiting room recognize one another as survivors, regardless of the original cause of their struggles. You are a survivor. Get the help you need. Get better. Take care of yourself. Someday when you're lurking here, do check in with a short post just to say hello. Vaya con Dios.


Thank You Sapphire, I consider you an online friend as well. You are right, the scars say I am a survivor. My scars, are a symbol of what couldn't deny me my life. The abuser, and the one who abandoned my life as a toddler, taught me what it is to be a loving parent by doing what they didn't or wouldn't for their little boy.

I intend to continue to visit and participate. The Writer Cafe, remains one of my favorite places to spend time.

I never sold many books anyway so...  it ain't like I am missing out. I just felt extremely vulnerable with my books about my suicide, smashed childhood, and what the consequences of that time in my childhood meant for my life. And feeling extra vulnerable at this time in my life is not something I want, until I've had a chance to really spend time with this trauma therapist, allow the doctor to adjust the medication, my sleep improves and I can rest.


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## unkownwriter (Jun 22, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your daughter. I know now from my own life that children are affected by what we go through, even if we don't realize it at the time. But you can get help for that, in family and/or individual counseling. 

I wish I'd seen it earlier than I did, but it worked out okay. I survived because of my children. I just couldn't leave them without a mother, no matter how bad I hurt. But, it was a close thing.

The main thing is that you're talking to her, treating her as if she is an important part of your life. So many times, people don't understand that children see things, or think they don't understand. Children are far more knowledgeable and resilient that we think.

We need a hugging smilie.


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## Zelah Meyer (Jun 15, 2011)

Your mental and emotional wellbeing - and that of those close to you - is the top priority right now.  I wish you all the very best and hope that you will soon be feeling stronger, happier, and calmer.  x


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## Richardcrasta (Jul 29, 2010)

Congratulations on having the courage to speak out about your issues (I hate that word, but it seems appropriate here), and good luck with it. I have unpublished a few of my books too. I publish,  unpublish--it's painful to encounter indifference, and I also hate to speak about my books, to push them ("Are you published?" is the most infuriating question I've ever been asked) ... I feel writing the books was hard enough, took a huge amount of courage, and having to speak about them is way too much to expect. In part of me, I know that's silly ... but to publish only happy, positive books would also be superficial, and an act of cowardice (for me). None of my books are totally humorless, but "Benzo Land" (various titles) was one of the most somber, and hard to write and publish. It's a dilemma I have yet to come to grips with.


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## Jan Strnad (May 27, 2010)

Some people write for catharsis, to get things out of their system, and for others it's like continually reopening an old wound. Since you feel it's the latter for you, it sounds as if unpublishing is the best route, at least for now. Maybe in the future those books will becomes stories of adversity overcome, with happy endings.

I've found that my mood is definitely affected by what I'm writing. Although I love the horror genre, I had to quit playing in Clive Barker's _Hellraiser _sandbox after writing three comix stories because the writing put me in too dark a mental place. With my novels, I'm moving away from horror and toward more uplifting work because I sometimes battle clinical depression and I don't need my writing bringing me down. If you feel the urge to write, maybe you could try the wish-fulfillment route and pen the lightest, frothiest story you can imagine, just writing for yourself without thought of publication. (Just thinking out loud--I'm no therapist.)

The PTSD sounds like an absolute nightmare. I wish you all the best in beating it down.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Typically, when confronted by all of me, folks have asked after observing the scars, "How did you get those?"  Two years ago, I was in the ER with severe flashbacks.  The ER doc listened to me, and asked, "Can I see the bullet wound?"  Growing up, I felt like I could have been a character on the American Horror Story, Freak Show.  When they asked me, I had a lie ready.  But, it was a weak lie and I hated it.  Sometimes people laughed at me when I said I fell with a rifle and it discharged into me.  It didn't matter.  Tell a lie and accept blame for being an irresponsible hunter, or tell the truth... "I shot myself."  The pause, and 1,000 yard stare... "What, you mean by accident?"  Me, "No."  Them, "You mean, you actually shot yourself, on purpose?"  Pause, "Yes.  Yes on purpose" and the older I got the more sarcastic I got and irritated, "In fact, I planned it.  I went out of my way.  It wasn't enough that I actually aimed that rifle at my heart, heck no...I had to run nearly a half a mile into the isolated woods, you know, just in case, I survived the initial shot."  Oh gawd...then they wanted details, "Why didn't you shoot yourself in the head?"

They were unmerciful and I fell into this depression, my life had been stolen from me.

No one, asked, "Why.  Why would a healthy, sober, drug free, well mannered, teenager, do this?"

It was my fault.  I was a coward.  I was selfish.  I was weak.  I was disturbed.  

My book, was my chance to give voice.  I was a victim, turned survivor.

One of the mental screws the abuser performed on my life was the chair.  Starting at the age 10 until the night I fired that rifle into me, he liked to use a chair on me.  If I "f/d" up (his words) he brought out this metal chair.  Sometimes I had to gut my bedroom and turn it into a prison cell.  No comic books, toys, posters, books, nothing but my bed, brown chair and desk.  Other times, I had this chair in the middle of the kitchen.  I had to sit 8, 10, 12 hours at a time in this chair, without moving.  I could get out to go to the bathroom, eat, go to sleep, and school.  If he wanted help around the farm, I had to help with that.    I had food thrown on me, a chain saw missed my face by inches, hit until I bled, called names...etc.

I had no voice.  No one came to save me.  My mom abandoned me when I was 4, she was gone, forever.  She didn't want anything to do with me, and she left me to die.  He endangered our life when I was in the 9th grade.

I started entertaining suicide during that chair time.  I started disassociating and removing myself from the circumstances.  I imagined myself flying away from the things that were happening.  By the time I was 14, to consider suicide, wasn't a big leap.  By the time I was 15, I made my first, extreme attempt.  I found, suicide, empowered me from the abuse.  It was the one thing, I could control.  But, I was growing increasingly afraid of myself.  So, I tried to reach out to the school my sophomore year in HS.  The abuser was a high ranking police official so I figured no one would believe me.  I was afraid if someone told him I was telling the school what was going on, he would smooth it over, and take it out on me.  But, no one noticed.  I demonstrated all of the classic symptoms.  I even went to the library and took out books on suicide and made sure I demonstrated the symptoms, just in case, someone asked, "Do you need help?"  I made a life contract with myself... If one person, asks me, "What's going on, can I help?"  I would take the help and run.  That way, it wouldn't be me, rolling my parent's under the bus.  No one got involved, and I broke.

The night before the shooting, I was threatened with bodily harm once more for bad grades.  I lied, and told the people hurting me, I had great grades, and they could have them on Monday.  (This was a Thursday)... On Friday, I got home from school and ran that half a mile into the woods.  I tried for an hour but I couldn't do it.  So, I started to walk back home when I remembered, I had lied to them (bad) and I had lied to them about...bad grades (double bad).  I couldn't take another degrading moment.  I couldn't live in that constant fear.  I would rather die, than allow him to lay his hands on me again or sit in that chair.  I walked back into the woods.

When that rifle fired, I wanted to live more than I wanted to die.  The terrible ordeal of years of child abuse, neglect, and abandonment could not compare to what I had just done.  I had denied myself, another day of life, so I started fighting to live.  Because of that suicide plan, I had to fight 2 hours before I could get fully under surgical care and with that, my heart went out.

I was so grateful when I woke up alive, and that's when the ugly social treatment started..... I was a victim, again.  And, I hated it....

My books, were my way of fighting back.  My books were my way of fighting that ugly social treatment.

But, I had ripped those scars wide open.  The ones I love were hurting and needed 100% of my attention and focus.  I hated the books, wouldn't just sell themselves and I had to promote it.  Hey, look at my nightmare.  

Retiring them until I can get to a better place or perhaps, my books were for me.  They have become a part of recorded history.  I have the files, one day my little ones may take offense at what happened to their daddy when he was little and decide to do something with them.

And that, is why I fell to my knees last year, so many bad things were happening, I had no control over and it reminded me of my childhood.  I was fighting the good fight, I had been fighting the good fight against the depression, faultering income, collapsing standard of living, losing friends, moody behavior, short fuse, no time to exercise and allow exercise help stem the tide...my spouse had it, took the kids...the very thing that saved my life as a teenager was the desire to one day grow up and experience the joy of fatherhood....I was losing it all.

I stopped writing.  I tried to get a job, got into counseling, started taking meds etc.  

Today, I had to make an appointment for my daughter to attend the same practice I go to for my mental health.  It's painful to know, I've created secondary trauma (Secondary PSTD) in the lives of my family.  I do take heart, I am here to help her and our sons.  I am here to be a dad the rest of their life, and be a mentor to them.  Though I don't feel like a superhero anymore, I know, I will always be a superhero to them.


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## gonedark (May 30, 2013)

Content removed due to TOS Change of 2018. I do not agree to the terms.


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## katiemeyer (Oct 23, 2014)

Hugs and prayers for you. You are being very brave. 

I do hope you are also seeing a medical doctor, perhaps a neurologist, to rule out any issues. Stress and trauma can cause physical symptoms, but on the other hand physical issues can make the stress and depression worse. You always want to rule out everything, to give yourself the best shot at success. Even things like Lyme disease, or intestinal malabsorption are known to cause/trigger/worsen depression/anxiety/etc. 

So make sure you look at it from every angle, then trust the therapy to do it's job. A friend who was suicidal had tremendous success with EMDR for ptsd, but I know nothing more about it than that. 

Again, hugs an prayers.


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## EmmaS (Jul 15, 2014)

> Today, I had to make an appointment for my daughter to attend the same practice I go to for my mental health. It's painful to know, I've created secondary trauma (Secondary PSTD) in the lives of my family. I do take heart, I am here to help her and our sons. I am here to be a dad the rest of their life, and be a mentor to them. Though I don't feel like a superhero anymore, I know, I will always be a superhero to them.


You are a superhero.

Someone very close to me experiences severe depression and is occasionally suicidal. And yeah, it's hard on me and other loved ones. But that doesn't matter, because I'm grateful_ every single day_ that this person keeps fighting.

So thank you, from me and from everyone else in your life who loves you. I'm so glad you're getting help.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Fferyllt said:


> Christian, You've been through hell and you didn't give up. Every single thing you did was a plea for help, presented in the only form you could use. You were smart enough to see how the odds of belief were stacked against you, smart enough to survive, smart enough to put the worst of it away in your mind until it was time to heal. So now is the time. Good for you. Don't beat yourself up about your family--obviously they love you and are there for you. Clearly, you are worth the whole world to them. And, even if you managed to suppress and hide all the symptoms, your kids would have shared that pain -- even invisible pain resonates. All of you will be able to heal together now. The writing was a tool you used. It may well have helped other people. It isn't serving you at the moment. And so you are smart enough to set it aside. This may be a really rocky part of healing but try to remember how smart and courageous and lovable and just plain stubborn about survival you have been all along. Take care of yourself and keep those precious people in your life close. One day you may have something full of light and healing to communicate and you will take up your pen again--or not. That doesn't matter at all. Finding your way back to wholeness is your job now--and it sounds as if you've been smart about getting the help you need for that, too.


Thank You
Thank You
Thank You

...Thank you for the inspiring and heart moving reply.

All of you thank you. You've encouraged and inspired me to believe I can have my dignity. I can believe, in spite of myself, I can continue to live up to the belief my little ones have about me, "#1 DAD" ... "World's Best Dad!" Yes, I can. I have fought some battles. I have looked in the face of ugly, ugly inhuman indecency and I have still have found a way to be a decent person. I have saved others. Not many, but once, someone wrote me and said, "If you save but one life, it was worth it, because it was my life"

It's time to rest and take life one day at a time. It's going to zap what little energy I have to sit with the counselor who's trained at opening the past I was taught to bury.

I made an appointment for my daughter today to meet with a therapist so in case she has developed secondary PTSD and I believe she has. She has seen me in the darkness of the past as it unfolded before me again. She has felt my anxiety. She has seen me bleed again. But, she loves me. She loves me without condition. I make her laugh. She gives me hugs and kisses. I don't know how any adult, can mistreat, and abuse that unconditional love given to their parents.

The lack thereof in my own childhood, has taught me how precious it really is.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

katiemeyer said:


> Hugs and prayers for you. You are being very brave.
> 
> I do hope you are also seeing a medical doctor, perhaps a neurologist, to rule out any issues. Stress and trauma can cause physical symptoms, but on the other hand physical issues can make the stress and depression worse. You always want to rule out everything, to give yourself the best shot at success. Even things like Lyme disease, or intestinal malabsorption are known to cause/trigger/worsen depression/anxiety/etc.
> 
> ...


I am seeing a Nurse Practitioner. She is following a strict medication protocol for PTSD, including medication used in the treatment of Epilepsy. I see her weekly. Yesterday, she started me on medication used to treat combat veteran's nightmares. I actually for the first time in a month, slept without the creepy crawlies kicking in the door and visiting me in my sleep.


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## katiemeyer (Oct 23, 2014)

Christian Price said:


> I am seeing a Nurse Practitioner. She is following a strict medication protocol for PTSD, including medication used in the treatment of Epilepsy. I see her weekly. Yesterday, she started me on medication used to treat combat veteran's nightmares. I actually for the first time in a month, slept without the creepy crawlies kicking in the door and visiting me in my sleep.


Good! sleep deprivation alone could account for the memory issues! If you can get some sleep, that will help so many other problems, I bet. Good luck!


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## SunshineOnMe (Jan 11, 2014)

Just in case no one has said it recently.....
You are valuable.
You are needed, just as you are.
Who you are is good enough.
Sometimes it can feel like we are going around and around the mountain not making any progress. But any serious hiker will tell you that to get up a steep peak you have to do switchbacks. You can't just head straight up to your goal. You are making progress. 
One step, one minute, one day at a time.
I'm glad you're alive.


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## loriconnelly (Jun 17, 2014)

Christian, 
I'm shy, and mostly lurk, but after reading your post.... everything I type seems to read back awkward, my intent, though, is heart felt. I wanted to send you and your family hugs and say that I'm so glad that you are getting help. I also wanted to say that I understand, as much as a spouse of someone with PTSD is able.  
My husband's PTSD is also the result of surviving his childhood.  While there is no cure, treatment, medication and therapy help, a lot. Learning 'tools' to cope with symptoms, practicing them and being compassionate to yourself, help. Accepting that some people won't understand is hard but it helps to do so. We've had people close to us just 'not understand why he isn't cured yet' after all 'he's been in therapy x amount of time'.  There is no time table for treatment, it's individual.  Yes it's difficult to witness his pain but it's so good to witness him getting treatment- for me, for our kids, for him. 
Dealing with emotional trauma is physically exhausting, sleep is so important. The medication for nightmares/assist sleep helped.  EMDR,  helped. Other medications and therapy help. Time, persistence and patience. His therapist often reminds him/us that the way out is through. Sometimes the sessions were/are rough, the process sometimes painful, but the positive difference treatment delivered, husband says is worth it. Speaking as his spouse and friend it's most definitely worth it.  He's still here.
'PTSD isn't something you've done, it's from what was done to you' - is something he reminds himself of often that and 'not all wounds are visible'. 
I also understand how life can bleed into what we write. My debut book has a married couple under tremendous stress, plus a whole bunch of fiction- for me it was a good outlet- husband was in denial when I was writing that - also I gave the story the ending I wanted - a happy one. But as I understand it your books were causing you distress, sounds to me like you made the right decision to take them down and give your full attention to healing.  
I hope some of that came out coherent, it's difficult to share, and... well... I just wanted you to know, you are not alone. Everyone's journey is their own, but we walk a similar path. Peace be with you brother.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

loriconnelly said:


> Christian,
> I'm shy, and mostly lurk, but after reading your post.... everything I type seems to read back awkward, my intent, though, is heart felt. I wanted to send you and your family hugs and say that I'm so glad that you are getting help. I also wanted to say that I understand, as much as a spouse of someone with PTSD is able.
> My husband's PTSD is also the result of surviving his childhood. While there is no cure, treatment, medication and therapy help, a lot. Learning 'tools' to cope with symptoms, practicing them and being compassionate to yourself, help. Accepting that some people won't understand is hard but it helps to do so. We've had people close to us just 'not understand why he isn't cured yet' after all 'he's been in therapy x amount of time'. There is no time table for treatment, it's individual. Yes it's difficult to witness his pain but it's so good to witness him getting treatment- for me, for our kids, for him.
> Dealing with emotional trauma is physically exhausting, sleep is so important. The medication for nightmares/assist sleep helped. EMDR, helped. Other medications and therapy help. Time, persistence and patience. His therapist often reminds him/us that the way out is through. Sometimes the sessions were/are rough, the process sometimes painful, but the positive difference treatment delivered, husband says is worth it. Speaking as his spouse and friend it's most definitely worth it. He's still here.
> ...


It did come out coherent. And, you inspired me when you wrote, _"The way out, is through"_

Thank You

I have an appointment for my 10 year old little girl, for this secondary traumatic stress syndrome. It's breaking my heart. I know, rationally, it's not fundamentally my fault, and I say that with a head knowledge, but my heart, is screaming at me. It's screaming at the abuser, who beat me when I was her age until I bled. You, who drove me to pick up that gun and aim it at my beating heart, to the woman, who gave me life, and left me to die, to the people, who were to cowardly to get involved and help an abused child. I thought, I was doing a good thing, at sitting down, and writing my books, as honestly as I knew how.

And yet, the flood of memories, flashbacks are starting to crash into me, without mercy. I saw, the OR tile. This was the first flashback I shared with the trauma specialist, did I actually see OR tile? Or was it imagined? He calmly said, "I suspect, it was a symptom of a NDE and your mind is giving up more of it, because it's time." I won't be coherent before this over.

We discussed, the hospital, when I am ready, or if I feel I need to go, to unplug.

I don't want to go at this time. My son's birthday is coming up, and Thanksgiving. I spent last Thanksgiving home alone when my wife left me, no, I take that back, I spent it here and so many writer cafe friends, were here with me, stopping in to say high, and wish me well.

I used to be angry at my wife, but she couldn't live with it anymore. But, she loves me. She loves us. She loves our family and she's here for me. She's hear fighting alongside of me because she knows what those books opened up and how badly I was hurt as a child. She knows how much I love life, living and my family. She knows, how badly I wanted to write.

I just can't bear the isolation, and left alone to those thoughts that inspire the words that breathe on our pages. I worry at what monsters I will see...

I have a medic alert bracelet coming in the mail today, and I am so fortunate to have it. I am going to work on getting our home, and life ready for a service dog. It will be a year or so, but I have found some trainers that work with them.

I had a terrible panic attack yesterday at a Family Dollar Store, a customer shoved me as she tried to cut me off to get to an open register. I started screaming at her and the employees. I threw what I was going to buy at the register. The staff and little old lady that shoved...or in actuality, nudged me...it felt like a VIOLENT SHOVE IN MY BODY, and SHE WAS A MENACING THREAT, BENT ON HURTING ME. A service dog, would have assisted me, greatly.

I can't say it enough, how the warm well wishes have meant to me. I feel guilty, shameful, and lonely. I have been reading the business writing threads, and encouraging all of you, to sell and I pray you realize your dreams as writers and self-publishers. You all have inspired me to orignally write my books, that would eventually lead to my healing. One day, when I can sit and face the monsters again in my writings, in solitude, and they are not the menacing giants any longer, I will thank you.

In some way, I feel this is satisfying my desire to write, but I am not alone. I don't have that isolation and I am afraid of the isolation. Isolation, is different than some time alone. I was terrified that night, I would die alone in those woods. They were dark, lonely, and unforgiving.


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## Desmond X. Torres (Mar 16, 2013)

Hey man…

I’m on this side of the screen, and you’re over there reading this. If I was in front of you, I’d give you ‘the nod’, y’know? That eye lock, tilt of the head that two men give each other when one totally gets where the other guy is at. 

I’ve bookmarked, set notifications up and stuff on this thread. I’ll be PMing you in a few days. 

Before I started hammering on this keyboard I sat back and asked myself what is the best thing I can say to this guy right now? You see, I’ve been through pretty much exactly what you’ve talked about here, and I think my opinion, informed by experiences, might be helpful. 

From what I read so far, your therapists are trying to stabilize you. You probably already know that from your own background in Medicine. Patient in crises? First stabilize ‘em,  and THEN you can start picking up and re-fitting the pieces. That’s gonna take anywhere from a month to 90 days. 

The afflictions brought on by traumatic childhoods are deeply rooted, man. When you were a kid, and a blank slate, people with power over your life scribbled and scratched the surface of that slate to no end. That kind of stuff goes deep, man.

I’m going to give you the bad news first.  But hang in there, okay? There’s some cool stuff following it.

The bad news? It never really goes away. Sorry. You can’t change what happened to you, and the effect it had on you when you were at the most vulnerable stage of development. It will always be there. Nor can you change a single one of the misguided actions you took during your life. 

I’m saying this, b/c we’ve sort of been trained by the media that once we hit that cathartic ‘ah-ha’ moment, things turn around on a dime. They don’t, despite what happens in movies, or books. 

Now for the good news.

The good news is that while the past is done, what happens right the heck, right now… that stuff you DO have control over. Sure, we’re informed by our past experiences—I won’t deny that. Sure, sometimes it seems that we’re… uhhh ‘Trapped?’ by them? 

Here’s the thing—you, right now, have more power, more strength, more smarts than you did back then. You’re bigger, you’ve learned a lot of stuff, and you right now have the foundation of a good life around you. 

You have THE POWER to choose and decide your actions and thoughts right now. In five minutes, you will still have that power. And you will get really, really really good at using it with practice. You’ve already demonstrated your intelligence and strength when you went to the doctors, and when you put up this thread. You demonstrated insight, man. You made some healthy choices, dude.

You didn’t have squat when the sh** hit the fan when you were little. You got some tools to work with, and frankly, you’re handling things pretty good.

For instance, you got you butt into therapy. (Can I say butt here? I didn’t want to say a**  ). You realized that the stuff that happened to you makes you… well, different. So you need someone with time, experience, and learning to help guide you. Cool play, Shakespeare!  

Secondly, you reached out to a community. Us. Me! And a lot of us are reaching back. Smooth move, Ex Lax!   

You’ve made brilliant plays, man.

Bro… the work is only beginning. It’s going to take a long time. 

There WILL be set backs. There will be times where it seems like it all is for nought. On those days, you just drop you head and slog through them. You’ll feel like it’s two steps forward and one step (sometimes three or four) backwards. The trick there is to put the feet forward again. 

You got what it takes to have a happy, joyful and fulfilling life.

I believe in you. 
And I’m right here on the other side of your screen.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Desmond X. Torres said:


> Hey man...
> 
> I'm on this side of the screen, and you're over there reading this. If I was in front of you, I'd give you 'the nod', y'know? That eye lock, tilt of the head that two men give each other when one totally gets where the other guy is at.
> 
> ...


...got it  and in fact, I will one up you, and let's do that _dude-hug-thing-with-the-hand-slapping-the-other-dude's back_

Your right, so right! I was diagnosed with Delayed Onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder last fall.

In short Delayed Onset PTSD: A trauma happens, a life and death trauma, watching someone else die, or abuse, assualt. The person, survives, and becomes a survivor. The survivor, gets sub-par after trauma therapy. In order to be sane, the survivor develops adaptations. Life moves on. The survivor's adaptations get taken down like load bearing beams. With nothing left to support the load, the trauma comes crashing back and this is exactly what happened to me. I really started feeling the stress of the economy in 2008 when I managed car sales. The years clipped bye. I found a wonderful place on the internet, Writer Cafe after a read suggest I write. I would often update my facebook account about my experiences on the car lot. I read about this marvel of self-publishing and I really needed to make some extra coin to offset what I wasn't earning anymore.

I didn't know what to write, so my wife, suggested, I write about my childhood. Sure, I thought. I figured, in a slow month, I would make an extra grand as a self-published writer with my first book, and never written in my life....sure.

The book, unknowingly, blew the lid off it. Once it was out, I was no longer the 43 year old, that had once survived that. A father to 3 little ones. Successful in my career. A growing writer.

With the trauma out, I was a 16 year old terrified of my own shadow because I didn't have those adaptations anymore to drive it back where it came from, but, that's okay I am learning, it needs to be addressed so it doesn't pass on to my innocent little one's who have a daddy who's here for them. Who's unafraid to address, all of their health. To get my own help. To encourage, and inspire my fellow travlers that are also going through similar struggles. To make online friends, who I can reach out to. My wife, needs a break. My friends on F.B. also need a break, and my therapist and doctor are only around a couple of hours a week.

I have started exercising again. I am using the aroma therapy. I am going to work on a service dog.

Thanks again, now to release that awkward dude-hug-make-sure-we-slap-each-other-on-the-back, like *men* do when they hug.


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## katiemeyer (Oct 23, 2014)

definitely try to fast track the dog. I've heard that just having a dog can help prevent suicide, because you know the dog can't survive without you there to feed it, etc, so you have to get up, have to walk it, etc etc. And service dogs don't require, as of now, any formal certification....an emotional assitance dog, that is well trained, can be any dog. Do contact lots of people, and try to get one asap. Hugs.


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## Desmond X. Torres (Mar 16, 2013)

Christian Price said:


> ...got it  and in fact, I will one up you, and let's do that _dude-hug-thing-with-the-hand-slapping-the-other-dude's back_
> 
> Your right, so right! I was diagnosed with Delayed Onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder last fall.
> 
> ...


You got a PM from me, Christian.


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## AmpersandBookInteriors (Feb 10, 2012)

Christian Price said:


> "Why didn't you shoot yourself in the head?"


Wth is wrong with people?

You're strength, know this. It also may be wise to not write on the topics if they bring the memory too fast. There's something to be said for 'facing it,' but there's also the potential that you're just picking at the healing scar. Do what's best for you, I say, but then again you did unpublish your books and you already are taking care of yourself. I just want to encourage you to continue in whatever direction you need. Sometimes individuals are good at saying 'I helped myself, now I'll help you,' but then again, sometimes 'paying it forward' is actually as simple as normalizing yourself so you can be there for your loved ones.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

4DCharacters said:


> Wth is wrong with people?
> 
> You're strength, know this. It also may be wise to not write on the topics if they bring the memory too fast. There's something to be said for 'facing it,' but there's also the potential that you're just picking at the healing scar. Do what's best for you, I say, but then again you did unpublish your books and you already are taking care of yourself. I just want to encourage you to continue in whatever direction you need. Sometimes individuals are good at saying 'I helped myself, now I'll help you,' but then again, sometimes 'paying it forward' is actually as simple as normalizing yourself so you can be there for your loved ones.


Yes, I was asked this on two different occasions, as well as demonstrated how to go about it. And, I had just turned 19. So it had happened within 3 years. They were adults. I felt like I was going to be sick.

I have to keep a trauma diary starting this week, so, either I write it here, share it here, or I have to do it in solitude, and facing that monster in the dark is one of the things I am scared of. I know, the current therapy models for trauma recovery, eases patients into that thing that causes them to react. The idea, repeated exposures causes the memory to lose it's potency.

I have full faith in my therapy providers, family, friends, as well as the things that remind me it's 2014 when things go sideways.

Suicide, can bring very strong reaction from people, just recall how Robin Williams memory was served up on a few networks in the days following his death. It was a teachable moment on so many levels.


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## AmpersandBookInteriors (Feb 10, 2012)

Well, if it's helping you and it's part of your therapy, then keep doing it. I should clarify that I meant that publishing works on it might not be the best idea, not whatever tools are given to you by your therapist.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

I'm in therapy 3 times a week. Once, with a trauma specialist. I've learned quit a bit and I'm feeling better. He's advice, was to stop fighting the flashbacks, and embrace them, so for that reason, I've put my work out once again. I won't worry over sales, promotions etc like I did in the past, it was really hurting me, promoting such an unfortunate time in my life. It made it feel as if it were present tense, and not past, always in my face, always talking about it, but not in a therapeutic sense.

It's exhausting going through intensive therapy three times per week. Once with a doctor, as we review my current meds, the next is with a general therapy practitioner, and finally the specialist. All of them warn me, it's going to get much, much worse before it gets better and this is what I am afraid of. I've been through some unfortunate and chilling things, and I don't relish reliving them but it's that desensitization that's so vital in recovery. We've not started any real heavy lifting in counseling to unravel my PTSD.

I slept pretty good last week, however, the last few nights haven't been restful.

Thanks for your encouraging, and inspiring words, and messages....

I did have a major breakthrough. It also showed me I need a service dog.

Last week, after therapy I went to the mall with my wife.

She wanted to browse for shoes, please, hit me with a rubber hose...but I followed her into the shoe store. As she browsed the aisles I noticed some watches. Wanting to pass the time I walked over to the watch counter and I started looking at the watches.

_I saw it. I saw, the watch..._

One of the reasons, I turned to suicide was abandonment. At the age of 4, my mother left me, without so much a goodbye. I grieved this for most of my childhood. When I was in the 3rd grade, as an afterthought, she sent me a watch from Disney. It was a Mickey Mouse watch. She went to Disney World without me, and sent me, a cheap watch. At the age of 9, I was furious with her. I never wore the watch. I remember it came in a sky blue watch case. I kept the watch, but I never wore it until the night I shot myself with a rifle 7 years later.

I was threatened with physical violence on a Thursday night. To avoid the violence, I had to lie. This lie, only would be good until Monday. By Monday, the truth would be out, and I would get hurt again at the hands of the abuser. But, it gave me a hallpass and a green light to implement the suicide plan I had been working for nearly a year. I knew, I would be dead in less than 24 hours on Friday.

When I got home from school that day, I set about my plan. I dressed up, wrote out my note, shirt and tie, put my terrible report cards in my breast pocket, and I strapped on that Mickey Mouse watch. I only had a 2 hour window of time to follow through. My abuser would be home by 5-6 PM and would be home all weekend and it would be to late on Monday he would find out I had lied to him about my bad grades. It was always the bad grades that sent him into a rage.

I ran that near half mile into the woods with that rifle. I sat down and spent an hour trying to work up the nerve to pull the trigger, and I could never do it. I wanted to go home and return the rifle. I got up, and started walking home when I glanced at that watch. The watch, reminded me of the time. I could not go home. I had burned my bridge, I had painted myself in a corner, I could never take another beating, ever again. I would rather die, or so I thought, than let that man hurt me, again.

I walked into the furnace. The next time I saw that watch face plate it was smeared in blood. I can see it now.

When I was leaving the hospital, I asked for my watch back, they refused to give it to me, because I had ruined it.

Here I was, 28 years in the future, on my knees before a watch counter, looking at that very watch. A watch that triggered me to end it all. I had to run away from it, I had to hide from it, I had to touch it, I was shaking like a leaf, my blood was cold, I had not touched this watch since that night.

I had the clerk remove it and I touched it and I experienced all of the somatic reactions as if it was happening all over again. I had her put the watch away. For 24 hours I tussled over owning it. I decided I would own that watch. It's a trigger item. There would be a few trigger items: the rifle, the milk crate I sat on, the abuser, and this watch. I went back the next day, and I bought that watch. It remains sealed in its watch case. I am waiting for therapy to discuss with my counselor, when I should put it on. I am not ready to wear it again, but the day is coming when it will be time for me to wear the watch and look at the time, and remind myself, I am alive and among the living. I survived. I did not become an abuser. I have helped countless people, and fought for life and the dignity of people with a mental illness by coming out of the darkness and sharing a story some can relate to but are afraid of the social recourse.

I had a nice Thanksgiving. Many wonderful memories, and I am excited I am almost finished with my 7th manuscript. I dove into the zombie lore and it's taken me well over a year and a half to write it because of my health but today I realized the manuscript is almost finished.

I'll let you know when I wear the watch.


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## EC Sheedy (Feb 24, 2011)

Glad to hear from you, Christian. Glad you had a good Thanksgiving. And _*very glad*_ you are getting therapy that is helping. You are traveling a rough road. When the past looms so large, it is difficult to bury.

Nothing but good wishes coming from me. And I agree with the poster above. Write the watch...


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## Lisa Grace (Jul 3, 2011)

*Hugs* and prayers for you and your family. Just wanted to let you know I care.


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## Becca Mills (Apr 27, 2012)

Thank you for this update, Christian. It sounds like things are pretty tough but moving in the right direction. 

Carina, I am so happy for you. Congratulations on your survival and wellness.


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## cinisajoy (Mar 10, 2013)

HugsssssHugsssss


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

carinasanfey said:


> Christian, big big big big hugs for you. As a seven-time suicide-attempter, I want you to know that IT GETS BETTER. If someone had told me that five years ago I would have laughed in their face, but now I'm 100% mentally well. And it's so worthwhile still being alive to see yourself come out the other side.
> 
> Depression is horrible. I hope between meds, therapy and dog you find a solution. Thinking of you.


Thank You my friend. It's the first time I've dealt with it since my near fatal suicide in 1986. I unpublished my books originally because, flashbacks, sense of feeling overly vulnerable, and because the depression brought me to my knees last fall and I had a plan. I did, do, as I advocated in all of my books, I spoke up, and I asked for help, but somehow, that was missed in translation, I was asking for help.

The medication is helping, we've seemed to have found a good combination of chemistry for the depression, the PTSD well, that's another issue. As my nurse practitioner says during our weekly medication reviews, "I'm working to make you feel better, the two therapist are working to press you harder and make you feel awful (a good hurt, like working out)...

My PTSD therapist told me to not fight the flashbacks and those things that go, "BOO in the night" as counter-intuitive as that was to the things I was reliving, seeing, feeling, and experiencing would cause the fight-flight mechanisms to click on. Just like my watch experience, I thought I was going backwards by unpublishing them. It's okay to not promote them, and treat them as widgets that must sell or need to sell. I guess, what was causing me the hurt was, pounding the pavement, promoting, the usual things we all must do as self-publishers to see our books get traction, but it felt so wrong for me. It was, "Here. Look at my massive hurt, and failure, look at this horrible, ugly, violent moment in my life, and all of the heart breaking reasons why a child would fall to suicide." It would be one thing I suppose, if I had written about someone elses life and faced the rejection of no sales, but it was my blood.

I am glad, you shared that. Thank You so much from the bottom of my heart....


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

cinisajoy said:


> HugsssssHugsssss


Thank You


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

David S. said:


> Write the watch.


Good idea...


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## Sapphire (Apr 24, 2012)

Keep telling us your story, Christian. We are your friends. You are our friend. We care. We just don't always know how to tell you we care.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Sapphire said:


> Keep telling us your story, Christian. We are your friends. You are our friend. We care. We just don't always know how to tell you we care.


...honestly, thank you Sapphire, I really appreciate that, and I'll continue to update my friends here.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

carinasanfey said:


> It sounds like you're making big steps forward, which is really encouraging. Are you having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? If not, convince them to give you some. It's amazingly life-changing, and from what you've written it sounds like it'd be really beneficial for you.


Honestly, not sure yet.

I have 3 therapies.

I see a nurse practitioner for the medication review, weekly.
I see a general therapist weekly, and I've been seeing him off/on for a year. I resisted therapy because to be frank, I was afraid of it. He and I discuss all issues, not related to the PTSD. We discuss the severe depressive disorder, and the guilt I carry for causing secondary trauma to the ones I love.
I see the PTSD specialist weekly, and I've only been 3 times, Thursday will be 4. All sessions have been geared towards preparing me for what's to come. I am not sure what that therapy is called, exposure therapy? I'm quickly building a bond with him and I feel at ease with him.

I have had terrible bouts of flashbacks since this started, and cognitively there's been a regression. I had a rough day today. Chills, pain, shakes, stiffness etc... It's the emotion of the trauma, coming out, so I've been told. It was repressed until I wrote my books two years ago, that was the first time I had dealt with the suicide in 25 years, and I lived it for 6 months, daily.


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## HappyToHelp (Sep 27, 2014)

I suffer with depression as well, and my lows are also scary low.  One thing that has really helped me has been to realize that suicide doesn't stop the pain, it just gives it to someone else.  Depression is such a cruel fog, and it tricks you into thinking you are alone and don't matter--that no one cares.  But people do care, and you do matter.  Hugs to you.  You are not alone.  <3


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## Desmond X. Torres (Mar 16, 2013)

This is good stuff man. You're being honest and real in this thread&#8230; and I have to tell ya that everyone else posting is firing back to you with honesty and authenticity. Each of us are pulling for you dude. Each of us sees something in your story of ourselves and we all want you to get the heck up here where the air is so clean and the view of all the tomorrows is so far.

The scrambling and scratching and hauling till your body screams&#8230; sorry Christian that's your job. We can't climb into your skin. But maaan&#8230; we all know this is tough. We all stand here at the crest screamin' till we're blue:

Chris-tian! Chris-TIAN!
(Hey, it's way cooler than 'Run Forrest Ruuuun!)

This place is 'Writer's Café'. But we're people too. And each of us that have posted (and the huge numbers that read your OP and raised up a prayer instead...) &#8230; we're pulling for you and cheering you on.

You ARE gonna have setbacks.

They're going to arrive just when you thought 'All is well!'. They will Whammo you, man. They will hit you so hard you won't remember when you believed in your guts that you were gonna get through this stuff. The people that know you will raise their arms in surrender maybe.

MAYBE.

You WILL. Probably. And when that happens, just remember when you're roiling in all the psychic effluvium&#8230; Just remember that you had been in a better place.

And spit the jetsam out of your mouth. Rebuke it like a Fundamental Minister man. Toss it back to the cesspool that borne it.

Because you know what it was like to be better than what had happened to you.

Chris-listen&#8230;

*YOU ARE BETTER THAN WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU.
*
Right here. Right now you're better than that.

Damn the perpetrators till the cows come home. Judge them for what they did, yeah. But draw the line in the sand, man. Draw it long and carve it deep.

They're over there. You're over here.

And get back in the saddle and get back up that slope.
Dude, we're waiting. 
And we're cheering!

You're working harder now than you ever did in The Box, y'know? (Car Sales lingo-Chris was a Manager. At any biz that runs on cars, 'The Box' is when a manager comes in. You wanna talk stress? Hah!) Do half as good a job as you did then and you're going to nail this stuff.

Remember all of us who cheer you on man.

You are SO worth the effort!

Vaya Con Dios mi hermano.


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## Michael Buckley (Jun 24, 2013)

Pain is pain, if you get it from the war or from a bad child hood it still hurts. I spent eight years in combat zones, been knocked on my butt when things went bang. No pain has been more destroying in my life then the pain i suffered the first eight years of my life. War is nothing compared to that.

I am glad you gave up the books, really I am. If you feel like writing again find a diffrnt topic, more up beat. If you like football then write about that. I hope you get better and start writing again. I think your a really kind hearted person and I am sorry for all the junk you had to deal with when you were younger. Mine did not start much better when at the tender age of one I was punched to stop my crying because I had colic. went to the emergency room and it just got worse from there, eight years in a corner-i cn relate. Get better-people need you.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

wow. Thank You. All of you. I wish, you'd folks had been around when I had to get over this on my own before I learned to drive a car and kissed my first pretty girl.

I'm dedicated fully to my therapy, 100 %. I need it. My denial, wore out and I was left alone with the monsters. My writing, opened a door that needed to be opened. I hurt, the ones I love through what they called secondary trauma. My hyper vigilance, mood swings, and when I say _depression_, I was diagnosed with a _Severe Major Depressive Disorder_ and it can be contagious, figuratively. It's not viral, but it can spread. I always wanted to believe my legacy was my books and my writing. My first and most important legacy is my little ones and when they stop smiling at the sunshine because daddy is so depressed he can't function anymore and once more visits his demons it's time to take his own medicine he advocated in his books, get help.

I forgot, how difficult it is to be open about living with mental illness. I know, writers are more apt to suffer with depression and when I see a list of writers who were known to have it, I feel I am in good company. When others have added to my thread and say they also have it, than I know, I am in good company, and I am not alone.

I feel optimistic about my future and this is good. I feel the health providers who are working with me are _the_ people at _this _place in time to help me _regain_ as much as my life as I can. My best friend, and beautiful wife said to me she see's a difference, already.._.a good difference_. We both know,_ "there will be *days* like this..."_

In 6 weeks, I'll celebrate my 29th life anniversary. Last year on my 28 life anniversary my wife brought home a cake from work so we could celebrate, it was a first. My life anniversary is the day I survived the near fatal suicide. We've decided to celebrate that day once more this year. Though I have struggled with thoughts of suicide, and last summer briefly held a plan in my mind, I turned and asked for help. I did not try. I am still alive. For those of us that have suffered with past attempts, our life, is our sobriety. Every day I am alive, is a testimony to my sobriety over suicide. So, I'll celebrate my 29th year of life post suicide in January and look forward to 30 and onward.

My priorities are in order. Help is in my life. The sun is shining again on my face.

Thank You Again, and I do mean that with the utmost sincerity....


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## Annette_g (Nov 27, 2012)

Health and family always come first. The writing will still be there if you want to go back to it at a later date. Hugs and good wishes.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Update: I did mention, I republished my work about a week ago after buying the watch that triggered the moment I fired the rifle into me. I figured if I could handle buying the watch, and I was in therapy, I was doing myself a disservice by not having my work out there.

Therapy, this week, I only have therapy 2 times. Once with the specialist and a medication review. Last week, therapy was raw... I understand, it will get worse.

On a proud note... _ Drum roll.... _ *After a year, and six months, I finished my 7th manuscript.* It's roughed out and ready for a rewrite but the story, is finished. YAY! I stuck with it!


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## Sapphire (Apr 24, 2012)

A drum roll and trumpets on finishing the manuscript! (Considering a full orchestra overture when you finish rewrites and hit publish.)


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## HollyElizabethjean (Jan 2, 2015)

Well first off, thank Heavens you are a SURVIVOR! I'm new here on KB but it is nice to see such an amazing show of support. Too many times online groups have jerks who bring a person down. I hope each day gets just a easier to survive and overcome.


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

29th Life Anniversary is approaching...  January 24th, 1986 was to be my last day of life.  Last year, for the first time, my family and I celebrated the day when I got my life back.


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## Sapphire (Apr 24, 2012)

I hope you also celebrate your BIRTHday, Christian. You were a good person the day you came into the world and you are a good person today (regardless of all that came in between). Celebrate it.


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## SunshineOnMe (Jan 11, 2014)

Sapphire said:


> I hope you also celebrate your BIRTHday, Christian. You were a good person the day you came into the world and you are a good person today (regardless of all that came in between). Celebrate it.


Sapphire, once again you come in with lovely encouragement. This is awesome truth here! Happy Birthday, Christian!!


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## MouseEscape (Dec 3, 2014)

I get depressed sometimes as well. I know how tough it can be. I have a few people in my life as well that were close. It sounds like you have thought about putting away the typewriter. I wish you luck - and sending you good vibes!


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## Christian Price (Aug 3, 2012)

Sapphire said:


> I hope you also celebrate your BIRTHday, Christian. You were a good person the day you came into the world and you are a good person today (regardless of all that came in between). Celebrate it.


I do...we celebrate two days. My birthday as well as what I've come to know as my "Life Day" it was the day I fought for the blessing of another day of life and I got my wish. It helps me when I feel the continued life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depressive Disorder. Though it hurts, and I can barely get out of bed, dress, eat, I remind myself it's better than where I was at and I made it another year.

I have therapy in a couple of hours. I haven't been in a couple of weeks because of the Holidays. I have it twice this week, 3 times next week. Pills, doctors, therapist, ...

There's a link between creativity and depression. Today, it's off the charts. I'll be glad to see my doctor today and PTSD specialist in the morning.

There are days I shake so bad. My hands tremble, my insides vibrate, and it just hurts. I took my wife's hands this weekend and she felt the tremors and she hugged me. She felt them.

Imagine, someone taking their nails across a chalk board hundreds of times a day and its amplified, that's what I feel inside. I take medication for it and the medication helps immensely with it but the side effects are equally as debilitating.

I also have the seasonal affect disorder and tis the season. Shorter days, hard to get out into the sun, cold, hurts the old battle scars.

I plan on getting some plants here in the next several weeks and work with those. I've started working with my service animal and yesterday we had an excellent outing.

As always thank you, I appreciate the kind generosity and kind words. This is what makes this forum my favorite place to visit.


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