# A real mystery



## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

We have been trying to sell our house. Some time ago, our Realtor said that in today's market we needed to do everything that we could to make the sale and brought us a small plastic statue of St. Joseph to bury in our front yard. I felt that it being the onset of Winter and all that the little fella shouldn't be subjected to the rain and snow, so I put him in the model sailing ship (of the French oceanographic sailing vessel, the _Astrolabe_) that we have in our seldom used music room.

Today, our Realtor sent us an email and said that we had to bury Joe now. So I called out to the little guy that it was time to get rough and walked into the music room over to the ship model.

The statue of St. Joseph was GONE!


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

Do you have small children in your house or next door?  Or a very pious neighbor or family member whose patron saint is Saint Joseph?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

I personally thought that the little guy skedaddled as soon as he heard he was going into the ground.


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## The Hooded Claw (Oct 12, 2009)

I'll bet he has gone Jacques Cousteau and is hiding out on board the Calypso!

Sent from my Sprint EVO using Tapatalk


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

or he's moved to your new house before you....


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

The Hooded Claw said:


> I'll bet he has gone Jacques Cousteau and is hiding out on board the Calypso!
> 
> Sent from my Sprint EVO using Tapatalk


Close, the _Astrolabe_ was one the world's first sea going oceanographic exploration vessels.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

scarlet said:


> or he's moved to your new house before you....


Then he is a whole lot better than I thought because we don't know where we are moving yet.


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

Philip Chen said:


> Then he is a whole lot better than I thought because we don't know where we are moving yet.


He's a SAINT. Of course he knows more than you.


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## JimC1946 (Aug 6, 2009)

Just be glad you didn't find a little statue of Pazuzu and hear _Tubular Bells_ playing.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

So, I decided to ask my wife


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## Carol (was Dara) (Feb 19, 2011)

Philip Chen said:


> So, I decided to ask my wife


If your wife just moved him we're all going to be dissapointed.


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## Ciareader (Feb 3, 2011)

Being a of Sicilian heritage, being Catholic, and living in New Orleans, I am very interested in this mystery.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

I couldn't find her.


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## DYB (Aug 8, 2009)

Philip Chen said:


> I couldn't find her.


Could they have run off together?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

DYB said:


> Could they have run off together?


I don't think so. I don't think he is her type.


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## crebel (Jan 15, 2009)

Maybe she already buried him (or is out doing it while you are looking for her).


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

I searched for both of them throughout the house.


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

did you ever find your wife?


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## DYB (Aug 8, 2009)

He couldn't have convinced her to join a monastery, could he?


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## Marguerite (Jan 18, 2009)

I think that he was upset that he wasn't buried when the realtor gave him to you and went in search of more pious people.


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## Ciareader (Feb 3, 2011)

This good be the premise for a good mystery book.


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## NapCat (retired) (Jan 17, 2011)

"...The year is 2254 and Seymour. the archaeologist, is on the brink of understanding the demise of the technological society of earth past......when to his horror, an assistant uncovers a statuette of St. Joseph......."


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

St. Joseph, being a saint, is capable of miracles.  He buried himself and kept going.  Look to China my friend.  He's on his way.


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## Scheherazade (Apr 11, 2009)

NapCat said:


> "...The year is 2254 and Seymour. the archaeologist, is on the brink of understanding the demise of the technological society of earth past......when to his horror, an assistant uncovers a statuette of St. Joseph......."


Don't Blink.


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## TheRiddler (Nov 11, 2010)

I'm so confused....


Who is St Joseph, why would you want to bury him in your garden, and where is your wife?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

TheRiddler said:


> I'm so confused....
> Who is St Joseph, why would you want to bury him in your garden, and where is your wife?


Other than being the earthly father of Jesus, Joseph has gone into another career: real estate. See Snopes Article. My favorite St. Joseph story is the one about the man who following the advice buried him in the front yard, but nothing happened. Then he dug him up and buried him in the sideyard, and nothing happened again. Then he dug him up once more and buried him in the backyard. You guessed it: nothing happened. In frustration, the man dug up the the statuette a third time and threw it in the trash. The next day, the man opened his local newspaper to see the headline, "Town Dump Sold".

I searched all around the house for my wife.


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## MSTHRILLER (Jan 20, 2011)

As a real estate agent in Florida, I have had quite a few clients use the St. Joseph statue as a selling strategy.


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## TheRiddler (Nov 11, 2010)

MSTHRILLER said:


> As a real estate agent in Florida, I have had quite a few clients use the St. Joseph statue as a selling strategy.


Please don;t tell the UK government, it would lead to one of two things:

1) You'd be taxed according to some complicated formula involving the size of the statue, the orientation of the staute in relation to the location of the house and street, the depth of the statue, and how long it had been buried for.

2) All house for sale would HAVE to have a statue buried before you could put it on the market - it's location would have to be carefully marked on a map of the property, which would have to be confirmed by the surveyor and included in the HIPS

Please, keep it on the West side of the Atlantic!


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## geoffthomas (Feb 27, 2009)

Perhaps your wife put him on the dash of your car and took a drive?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

I couldn't find her anywhere in the house; where did she go and why?


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## bobavey (Sep 14, 2010)

I have also been considering selling my home to buy a new one. Perhaps St. Joseph came to my house. I must admit, though, that I have not seen him.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

He stopped at my place to rest for awhile.  Says you hurt his feelings--not really believing in his powers.  Don't know where he went when he left my place although he talked about wanting a pizza.


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## DYB (Aug 8, 2009)

tsilver said:


> He stopped at my place to rest for awhile. Says you hurt his feelings--not really believing in his powers. Don't know where he went when he left my place although he talked about wanting a pizza.


Are there any pizza places newly for sale?


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

I'm on pins and needles Phil.  Did St. Joseph return?  Was he hurt?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

tsilver said:


> I'm on pins and needles Phil. Did St. Joseph return? Was he hurt?


First I have to solve the mystery of the missing wife. I can't find her anywhere inside the house.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

Did you look on the roof?  She may be avoiding you.  She might come down if you bring her some roses.


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## Trilby (Jul 26, 2009)

*Update please!!!! *


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

tsilver said:


> Did you look on the roof? She may be avoiding you. She might come down if you bring her some roses.


Or you could lure her with chocolates....


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Our house is not that big, but I am terribly near-sighted.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

Small house will work.  Just sing her a love song.  That'll bring her out of hiding.


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

tsilver said:


> Small house will work. Just sing her a love song. That'll bring her out of hiding.


Or send her running in terror depending on his voice....


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)




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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

You look great in drag, Phil.  Did your wife like the song?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Both my wife and I like Bonnie Tyler, especially her hit, "It's a Heartache".

Don't forget what I had to wear when I was promoted to "Scheherazade".










I can't believe that this rather extremely truncated novella is getting many more hits than my cartoon series http://www.kboards.com/index.php/topic,55017.0.html


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

It's because we can contribute to the humor of the whole situation, making it fun for everybody.  Your cartoons are terrific but we cannot add to their perfection.  Hope you do a collection of them.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Well that song didn't work, but I think I hear someone screaming, "turn that off!"


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

Is it a man's voice or a woman's voice?  Maybe it's St. Joseph


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Can't tell.  

When I was training to be a hyperbaric chamber operator, I had to make some dives inside the chamber (it was sort of a John Wayne thing: If you won';t dive in that sucker, we won't let you put other people in there).  Anyhow, the medical director a Dr. Mickey G (really brilliant doctor) told us before we entered the chamber for the first time, "I have good news and bad news."

We asked, "What's the good news?"

Dr. G, "You'll never have to worry about buying expensive stereo equipment."

We asked (there were several of us), "What's the bad news."

Dr. G, "Because one dive inside that chamber and the upper frequencies of hearing in your ears will be lost forever."

We went in, what could we do? We were young.  It was a John Wayne thing.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

I assume your wife's voice would be in the higher range, so if you could hear someone yelling "Turn that off" it has to be St. Joseph.  He must be back.  Look in the closet and under the bed before he takes off again.  Did you consider that he might not be very fond of being buried upside down in a pile of dirt?


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Could be, my wife claims that I've lost hearing in all ranges.  So it is difficult looking for a 2 inch statuette and a 5' 4" adult women, both of whom I suspect are moving about, when you are both deaf and extremely myopic.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

A 2" statuette?  In that case, you're out of luck.  Your dog or cat dug it up and hid it in the woods.  I thought your statue was at least 6"


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

it's not that big of a house.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

I don't think the size of the house and the size of St. Joseph has to be equal.  I wonder who started burying St. Joseph's statue upside down.  I thought it was just an Ohio thing but I guess not.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

tsilver said:


> I don't think the size of the house and the size of St. Joseph has to be equal. I wonder who started burying St. Joseph's statue upside down. I thought it was just an Ohio thing but I guess not.


Interesting history of the little guy on Snopes.


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## Ciareader (Feb 3, 2011)

Philip Chen said:


> Interesting history of the little guy on Snopes.


For all you St. Joseph fans out there, his feast day is coming up. We still celebrate it here in New ORleans.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Thought I should tell the rest of the story.

I looked everywhere for my wife and finally found her on the porch of the house. I asked her about the mystery and she relied, "go look in the kitchen." 

There he was, furiously trying to wrap himself in whatever material that would help keep winter's wrath away from him. He plead for mercy; I replied that I had let him stay warm all through the winter, but no sale, so it was time. 

Ignoring his heart-felt pleas, down he went into the ground head first in an undisclosed location under the for sale sign. So we shall see.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

You meanie!!!!


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

I did keep him warm and cozy on the deck of a French oceanographic sailing vessel for most of the winter.


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

You're forgiven then.


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## Ciareader (Feb 3, 2011)

Just keep us updated!


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## coffeetx (Feb 12, 2011)

How exactly did you bury St. Joseph? Did you bury him upside down facing the house?  I'm glad you found your wife.  I was beginning to wonder if you'd buried her by accident instead of the statue.  Big sigh of relief!


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## bobavey (Sep 14, 2010)

Your house could now become a place of pilgrimage.


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

St. Joseph - The Final Chapter

The little guy is back from his undisclosed location. Although he is taking credit for the house finally selling, methinks the very large price reduction probably had something to do with it. Nonetheless, the high mortgage and property tax situation is now in my rearview mirror. 

One should note, however, that as soon as I moved away from the East Coast, the region was rattled by a substantial earthquake and is now threatened by a monster hurricane named Irene (we know that it is a hurricane because it has a feminine name; otherwise it would have been a himacane). Getting back to my point. Why would these two rare events happen right after I leave the East Coast? Coincidence?  I think not.


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## geoffthomas (Feb 27, 2009)

Is this the entertainment for your going-away-party?


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## R. M. Reed (Nov 11, 2009)

When you left the east coast, did you just drive with no destination in mind, stopping wherever your mood takes you? (In the middle of that sentence I came up with a great TV show idea. A retired couple in an RV solve crime wherever they go. I need a great name, though.) Or did you have a destination in mind?


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## balaspa (Dec 27, 2009)

Haha, now he is running around your house...seeking his revenge!


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## tsilver (Aug 9, 2010)

Philip Chen said:


> St. Joseph - The Final Chapter
> One should note, however, that as soon as I moved away from the East Coast, the region was rattled by a substantial earthquake and is now threatened by a monster hurricane named Irene (we know that it is a hurricane because it has a feminine name; otherwise it would have been a himacane). Getting back to my point. Why would these two rare events happen right after I leave the East Coast? Coincidence? I think not.


The forces of nature are against you (cackle, cackle)!! On the other hand, you seem to be doing well with your book.
Congratulations!


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## Philip Chen (Aug 8, 2010)

Let's just say that I had a calming influence on the East Coast and leave it at that.


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