# Have we already had our "best days?"



## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Regardless of whatever point you are in your life do you think or believe that your best days are behind you?

I don't know I think maybe I am overly emotional from my pregnancy. I question so many things these days. I am thrilled about my baby and I can't wait for him to get here but for now that about the only thing that remotely makes me happy. Other life events have me very emotional/depressed MOST of the time. 

Just wondering how other people feel about certain obstacles or hard times. Do you question the choices you have made, do you regret alot (lately I have.) I never used to at all even during very hard times it wasn't a regret I just moved forward. 

I don't want to post to much and I know I sound vague but I don't want to seem like a whiner/ complainer. Just interested in how other people feel about life choices, decisions,regrets, missed chances at happiness etc. I just pictured my life and my true happiness being different and now this is how my life has turned out and I can't seem to cope somedays. 


ETA: My regret/unhappiness is NOT about my baby. I have no regrets about my baby. My marriage is a different thing but I am going to try my hardest to be the best mother I can be regardless of how I feel about this husband.


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## 1131 (Dec 18, 2008)

I think we all second guess ourselves sometimes.  Is this the life I envisioned when I was 20? No.  Do I wish it was different, less of a struggle?  Sometimes.  Am I making it the best life I can?  Most days.  
I try to remind myself that I still have choices and there are good things in my life.  I refuse to dwell on the what ifs (thinking about the what ifs is different than dwelling on them)  When I go through something that's really difficult, I try to remind myself that things can and do change so I'm not stuck.  Sometimes that's not easy - especially when a lot of things are out of my control.  Then it can be a matter of getting through this day, this hour, this minute.  Eventually things get better.  The days ahead of me are going to be a mixture of good and bad.  And I will (when it's within my control to do so) make them my best days.  

When I am struggling I think about things in terms of how I can affect them.  Do I have control over whether or not this will be a part of my life (even for a little while).  If I can get rid of it or change it, I do.  If it's something I can't control, I can choose how to react to it.  I ask myself will getting angry, being sad, yelling, crying, laughing, ignoring it have a positive affect on whatever it is and then decide how to respond - usually easier said than done.

And congratulations on your baby.


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## louiseb (Mar 2, 2009)

I am 52 and have had a lot of emotional pain in my life, not the least of which was being widowed at 42. My life is nothing like I imagined it would be when I was young. I have had to rethink my future so many times now I don't put a lot of thought in trying to predict what my life will be like even 5 or 10 years from now. 

I like the person I am though, and I know if my life had been different then so would I. If I could go back and change anything I wouldn't because everything that has gone before has made me who I am today. I don't live with regrets, and I have made some pretty bad decsions over the years. I have also had a lot of happiness. Life is still full of possibilities and joy.


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## patrisha w. (Oct 28, 2008)

I am 75  and thus have a lot of life to look back on. When I was in my fifties, I wasted considerable time looking back and agonizing over what I could then see were bad decisions. But, as someone has already remarked, they made me who I am today and I like who I am.

I used to be very angry with myself for marrying the person I did but that is all water over the proverbial bridge now. And if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have the sons that I have who are a great joy. In fact, if I hadn't become pregnant at 43 with my younger son, I wouldn't have gotten up the courage to divorce my now-ex!

What has given me great joy in this part of my life is that I have truly learned to "live in the moment" and appreciate what I have today. This has come mean for me that my best days are the days I am living now.

patrisha {an official member of the stick-waving, loud-cackling crone society!}


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## Jeff (Oct 28, 2008)

> Have we already had our "best days?


No. The best is yet to come.

Although I'm 9 years younger than Patrisha and can't claim seniority let me just say that these are the best days of my life.

Instead of constantly worrying about providing for my family I can now enjoy them. Instead of dealing with office politics, airports, hotels, unreasonable customers and budgets, I read and write books. It can't get any better than that.

Hang in there and try to enjoy the good moments, ignore the bad, and look forward to tomorrow when you'll find it was worth the struggle.


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## Rasputina (May 6, 2009)

I'm middle aged and I think there are best days at every age. I'm not one for regrets though. I tend to just think all the hard stuff was meant to be and made me who I am and move on.


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## Cowgirl (Nov 1, 2008)

For me it's all about the law of attraction...negative thoughts will bring negative results to your life. Try to think in the present ...one day and one moment at a time and think how wonderful your life is and will be.  Being a mother is an amazong experience and one of the best gifts you can give your son is a mother who thinks everyday is the "best day".


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

No we haven't.  

I had some wonderful times in every decade of my life so far (and I'm only 48... 49 next month), but I've also made some seriously lousy decisions, mostly by NOT making decisions to walk away from various situations early on.  Some of those decisions continue to affect me negatively, and sometimes I think that I'll spend the rest of my life dealing with the frustrating consequences.  But I agree with Patrisha that the present moment is what counts, and also what you can do with it to improve the future.  Living in the past, whether by dreaming about how good it was or by agonizing over bad choices, doesn't help anyone.  

But I also vividly remember the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy, and the way exhilaration and despair could exist on the same day.  Presumably that doesn't happen to everyone, but it sounds like maybe that's what's happening to you.  My advice would be to be careful about making longer-lasting decisions based on these moods, because your rational decision-making skills may be out to lunch during pregnancy.  I think mine were, at least some of the time, and for a few months afterwards.  For now, in the tough moments, just do what you need to do  --  most importantly, take care of your own health and your baby's  --  and know that things WILL get better.


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

Jeff said:


> No. The best is yet to come.
> 
> Although I'm 9 years younger than Patrisha and can't claim seniority let me just say that these are the best days of my life.
> 
> ...


Jeff - you said my sentiments exactly! Except I don't write books, but I do read a lot.

That being said -

My previous life was not the best, but somehow I managed. I was told once that no matter what decision you make, it is the right one and don't look back. I tried to do that and found the bestest DH ever, my life started over then and I would not change a thing, even the pain and agony, it just made me the person I am now and I think a better person!


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## Jeff (Oct 28, 2008)

Anju No. 469 said:


> I was told once that no matter what decision you make, it is the right one and don't look back.


We all make decisions that seem bad in retrospect simply because we have more information after the fact then we had when we decided. The best you can do today is the best you can do and tomorrow gives you another chance to mess up again.


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## Forster (Mar 9, 2009)

I look at life through rose colored glasses.  I remember the good days past, I see the good days now and I look forward to the good days to come.  Yes there are bad days that get you down, but they do pass, learn from them and move on.


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## gadgetgirl003 (Mar 22, 2009)

I think you have gotten WONDERFUL responses in this thread and as you've seen, the recurring answer is...NO!! Great days are still ahead  
I think all of us make bad choices at times, but we also make god choices too. I think you'll be amazed at how much happiness you experience as a result of your child. Maybe one day you will decide that it is best for you and your child to part ways with your husband, maybe not. Maybe you will end up being really happy about your decision to marry him. Either way, you still have many years to have many fantastic days. Look to the future anticipating the good to come, not the bad. Enjoy each day and know when times are bad that they will get better.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Thank you EVERYONE for your great responses. There is a lot of wisdom on this board, and I appreciate it. 

I talk to my mom about alot of my issues and she has told me many many things like you all have said but it is always good to hear other 'outside' perspectives. 

I can't wait for my son to get here, I am very much looking forward to that day and the happiness that he will bring into my life. 

I am so worried about not being a good mother, I feel so selfish and always caring/thinking about myself I hope that when he gets here I can learn to put my own issues completely aside and concentrate on him. I want to be the best mother I can be and so just lately I have been trying to make all choices accordingly. My own mother swears there is nothing like a mothers love when she has first gives birth to her child, she "knows" my life and feelings and worrys/fears will change alot. I am hoping shes right, I hope that maternal instinct kicks in. I hope it didn't skip me. 

I CONSTANTLY regret and picture how my life had been if I would have just dont this or that different. I feel like I 'Know' I would be happier. I make myself miserable and torment myself by always doing this. 

I seriously need to accept the advice given here today, by people that have lived longer and are thus wiser by life experience. I need to actively work on myself and my feelings. Some days seem so hard but I need to learn to be more gracious for what God has given me. 


Eta: I am sorry if I sound whiney or complaining. Its not that at all. I hope I don't come off like "poor sad me" I usually try to stay so strong. I try not to get broke down like this , that's why I think all of this seems alot harder to me. I do appreciate everyones advice and kind words SO much.


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## Jeff (Oct 28, 2008)

koolmnbv said:


> I am so worried about not being a good mother, I feel so selfish and always caring/thinking about myself I hope that when he gets here I can learn to put my own issues completely aside and concentrate on him.


You're going to be a great mother but let me give you one little piece of advice: Treasure every moment including the current up-and-downs, the soon to be stinky diapers and the many sleepless nights ahead. They go by in the blink of an eye and they're all wonderful.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Jeff said:


> You're going to be a great mother but let me give you one little piece of advice: Treasure every moment including the current up-and-downs, the soon to be stinky diapers and the many sleepless nights ahead. They go by in the blink of an eye and they're all wonderful.


I am looking forward to it! each and every dirty diaper and crying night.


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## Cowgirl (Nov 1, 2008)

The fact that you recognize you have these feelings is a step in the right direction.  I have no doubt you will be a great mother.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> I usually try to stay so strong. I try not to get broke down like this , that's why I think all of this seems alot harder to me.


I think you're absolutely right; people who are usually strong seem to have a much harder time when they do "break down". But please believe us (and your Mom!) that it will get better. Really.

And I also predict that you will be amazed at the sheer intensity of mother's love when it kicks in.


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## Geoffrey (Jun 20, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> Eta: I am sorry if I sound whiney or complaining. Its not that at all. I hope I don't come off like "poor sad me" I usually try to stay so strong. I try not to get broke down like this , that's why I think all of this seems alot harder to me. I do appreciate everyones advice and kind words SO much.


I've never been pregnant nor have I raised an infant but I understand all about life changing events ... You are on the cusp of a life changing experience and I'm sure it's just as exciting as it is scary. It's normal to grieve the loss of your current life and lifestyle - especially if you enjoy your current life - but closing this phase of your life and starting a new one doesn't mean you're done with having a good time. Instead, it just means your concept of a good time is going to change.

I'm 43 and many of my interests now would have bored 22yo me to tears ... and some of them are things he wished he could do but couldn't.

My advice is to grieve a little if it cleanses your soul but don't wallow in it (and I don't think you are.). Also, if you're going to grieve, then don't beat yourself up for it - just feel what you feel and let yourself be OK with your feelings. (is that too pop-psych?) That said, I'm guessing that you still have some pretty good times in front of you ...


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## rho (Feb 12, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> I CONSTANTLY regret and picture how my life had been if I would have just done this or that different. I feel like I 'Know' I would be happier. I make myself miserable and torment myself by always doing this.


The thing is - you really don't know if you _*would have*_ been happier - you may have just traded one problem for another problem and a worse problem that you don't see that could have happened.

But also remember that right now you have major hormone issues going on in your body - and will have for a while after the birth too - combined with not sleeping well now and probably then too - and it seems to have kicked in the worry and the what if gene  -- One thing I have done that seems to help me a bit when I get in those modes (notice I said mode as in a manner of behavior not a mood) is - each day at the end of the day write yourself a small list of 5 things that were good that day (and if you can think of more write them but always do at a minimum 5 things) and don't worry if you duplicate things on different days - and they don't have to be earth shattering things - it can be things as simple as - I sat in my favorite chair with a super cup of coffee reading the BEST book (now understand I feel that each book I read is the BEST book so I have lots of latitude there  ) But I have also had days when some health issues were flaring that my list might be -- 1 I got out of bed - and 2 I took a shower and didn't have to go back to bed..... I've even had notes that the sunset tonight was the most incredible one ever the colors were beautiful and the clouds broke it up making it more special - if I were to see it painted I would think to myself it was fake - but here it is and I am seeing it....

So you see there are lots of good things you can write if you look for them - sometimes you may have to look hard but it becomes a habit (or a behavior) to look for them and gets easier and helps break that cycle you are in from the hormones or what is going on in your life.

and yes I have been accused of being a Pollyanna - but people don't realize how I work at having that outlook - it isn't that I don't see and acknowledge the bad things in life but I choose to focus on the good instead.

And I can see that you might think this is preachy but believe me it isn't meant that way - I just don't know how to write it in a way it doesn't sound like that  it is just something that has helped me get thru some rough times and maybe it could help you too 

edited to add - Tomorrow could be the BEST ever and there is always a tomorrow


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

rho said:


> The thing is - you really don't know if you _*would have*_ been happier - you may have just traded one problem for another problem and a worse problem that you don't see that could have happened.
> 
> And I can see that you might think this is preachy but believe me it isn't meant that way - I just don't know how to write it in a way it doesn't sound like that  it is just something that has helped me get thru some rough times and maybe it could help you too
> 
> edited to add - Tomorrow could be the BEST ever and there is always a tomorrow


Thank you for your advice. You are entirely right, I don't 'know' if I would have been happier with different choices. I mess my head up alot going back and forth with all my choices and past decisions. All my regret and guilt. I rethink them and second guess and rethink again, it drives me nuts.

I don't think that sounds preachy at all, someone else (a different friend) also told me to maybe try keeping a journal, but that I should try to only point out the most positive things in the journal. Alot like what you said, but I could combine the two. I could make my each day with my "things im grateful for list" and then journal accordingly about those things etc.



Susan in VA said:


> I think you're absolutely right; people who are usually strong seem to have a much harder time when they do "break down". But please believe us (and your Mom!) that it will get better. Really.
> 
> And I also predict that you will be amazed at the sheer intensity of mother's love when it kicks in.


I do try to remain mentally strong. What happens is I end up going back and forth with all of this inside of my own head so there is no real outlet. Then when I finally let it all out it's like a tidal wave of emotions pouring out all at once. I can't explain how happy and content I feel to be able to release some here and get some great advice in return. Also to have such true great people that don't really know me offer so much kind words. It is so nice.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> someone else (a different friend) also told me to maybe try keeping a journal, but that I should try to only point out the most positive things in the journal. Alot like what you said, but I could combine the two. I could make my each day with my "things im grateful for list" and then journal accordingly about those things etc.


You are hereby assigned to post at least once per day in the "bump" thread!  That's what it was for, after all....



koolmnbv said:


> I do try to remain mentally strong. What happens is I end up going back and forth with all of this inside of my own head so there is no real outlet. Then when I finally let it all out it's like a tidal wave of emotions pouring out all at once.


{{{koolmnbv}}} The strength always comes back. Just hang on.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Susan in VA said:


> You are hereby assigned to post at least once per day in the "bump" thread!  That's what it was for, after all....
> {{{koolmnbv}}} The strength always comes back. Just hang on.


What is the "bump" thread?

I will hang on, I may lose my grip but I will keep hanging as long as I have to. Thank you Susan so much!


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> What is the "bump" thread?


http://www.kboards.com/index.php/topic,9326.0.html

It's kind of like the list of good things that happened to you that day. Reading it will make you smile. _Posting_ in it will make _us_ smile, because we'll know that you're finding positive thoughts.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Susan in VA said:


> http://www.kboards.com/index.php/topic,9326.0.html
> 
> It's kind of like the list of good things that happened to you that day. Reading it will make you smile. _Posting_ in it will make _us_ smile, because we'll know that you're finding positive thoughts.


Thank you for sharing this thread! I promise to bump once a day.


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Here's the thread, koolmnbv, hang in there!








What gave your day a "bump" today?


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

The summer before I began college, I was at a neighborhood barbecue and one of the men there (a middle aged guy) said to me, when I told him where I was going to college, "Get ready for the best four years of your life." And on the day I graduated from college, I thought to myself, "Well, that's it, the best four years of my life are over."

Seriously, I did have a blast in college, but no way were they the best four years of my life. They were my college years, which were different from my early-married years, my pregnancy years, my creating my career years, my young mother years, my working-hard-to-be-famous years, my entrepreneur years...you get the picture. Every year, month, week, day, is good. You just have to make it good. Wake up and say, "Today is going to be the best day of my life," and believe it.

I will say, however, that there are times I look back at some particularly


Spoiler



shitty


 moments and say, "You must have been nuts to think that was the best day of your life." LOL

The other thing that helps, as instinst sort of implied, is memory amnesia. Things that really, really hurt today will fade away. I have memories of being angry with people and now I say to myself, "Why was I angry with that person? What were we arguing about?"

The other sort of amnesia, which you will experience soon, is labor amnesia. That's the only reason why not every child on this planet is a single kid. LOL.

L


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Leslie said:


> The other sort of amnesia, which you will experience soon, is labor amnesia. That's the only reason why not every child on this planet is a single kid. LOL.
> 
> L


LOL! My mother frequently said the same thing! (She had 5.)


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Ann in Arlington said:


> LOL! My mother frequently said the same thing! (She had 5.)


My mom had 5 also (I am oldest of 5) We had 4girls before getting my brother so she says they were just gonna keep trying until they got a boy.

I can't believe you brought up 'labor amnesia' Leslie, just like 2 or 3 days ago I said to my mom, "well maybe it can't be THAT bad because people continue to go on to have more kids." She just smiled and told me that I'd forget the bad parts and only remember the baby angel they hand to me. She said the other part gets erased from your memory until you are in Labor the 2nd time. LOL


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## rho (Feb 12, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> What is the "bump" thread?
> 
> I will hang on, I may lose my grip but I will keep hanging as long as I have to. Thank you Susan so much!


Remember the old cross stitch design - "when you get to the end of your rope - tie a knot in it and hang on  
and there was the cute image in the 70's maybe of a cat hanging onto a rope with that saying -

here it is changed just a bit from then in t-shirt form on Amazon 


well shoot intinst beat me too it again


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

I think it is really kool that you can talk to your mother as well.  But listen to rho, I think that she gave you some of the best advise, in that whole post - in fact I am going to make note of some of it for myself when I do get down in the dumps.

Remember too - you have us!


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Anju No. 469 said:


> I think it is really kool that you can talk to your mother as well. But listen to rho, I think that she gave you some of the best advise, in that whole post - in fact I am going to make note of some of it for myself when I do get down in the dumps.
> 
> Remember too - you have us!


I agree anju and I have went back thru this thread several times already, I will continue to do so because I want to remember and keep taking things from the great advice given here today! I'm so grateful to be able to talk openly here and have such great people that care without even knowing me. It is very assuring.

Thank you intinst and rho for the pic! That is too cute and I haven't seen that image before. Just gotta keep keeping on (like the little cat does!)


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## marianneg (Nov 4, 2008)

(((koolmnbv)))  Hon, what you're going through is normal.  Like Geoffrey said, your life is about to change, and no matter how much you are excited about it and have planned for it, it's scary as anything.  I spent my pregnancy wondering if we were crazy to think that we were ready to have a kid, but the baby comes whether you're ready or not, and, like any other scary life change, you'll take it one day, one moment at a time.  Enjoy it, because when you look back, you'll know that they were great days.  But don't live completely in the past, because there are lots of great things to come.  You'll be a great mom because it's important to you to be a great mom.  Even though you won't be perfect, you'll still be great.


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## Dori (Oct 28, 2008)

I am only 77 and the best days are now,  tomorrow, and the day after that because that is the way that I have decided for it to be.  I think that generally what you think about, you bring about.  Gratitude is the attitude.  Good Luck and God Bless.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

koolmnbv said:


> I can't believe you brought up 'labor amnesia' Leslie, just like 2 or 3 days ago I said to my mom, "well maybe it can't be THAT bad because people continue to go on to have more kids." She just smiled and told me that I'd forget the bad parts and only remember the baby angel they hand to me. She said the other part gets erased from your memory until you are in Labor the 2nd time. LOL


The way our memories erase some things and highlight others is a wonderful thing.

There was something on the news a while back about a person who had an absolutely perfect memory. If you asked him/her (don't remember which...obviously, I don't have the same sort of memory!) what s/he was doing on August 28, 1973, s/he could tell you. While it sounds like it might be great (I'll never forget another name! I'll never have to look up a phone number!) it was actually a crippling disability. Having your mind so full of everything and not being able to put things in the past -- I really can't imagine what that must be like to live with.

My father is sick and in the hospital and already, the emotions of 3 weeks ago (when things were very uncertain) are starting to be tempered, and thank God for that. I can only cope with a certain level of stress for a certain amount of time...fortunately, our minds, our bodies, all figure out certain ways to help us cope.

L


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## Mom of 4 (Oct 27, 2008)

I read this thread this morning, and it has stuck with me all day.  Thought I'd put in my 2 cents (FWIW, although many have already said it so well.)  Life is just full of peaks and valleys.  You gotta ride out the dips and make sure you are aware of, and really enjoy, those high points!  As Leslie said, those 4 years of college were a great peak for me, but my first year of marriage was a dip.  First baby, riding back up, but when we found out about baby #4, we were in such a deep hole I didn't think we could climb out.  Three years later, (17 years of marriage) and I think I am at the tip-topiest peak I've reached yet in my life!  I am sure I will hit some more dips and I am also sure to hit even higher heights.

Just hang in there koolmnbv!  It sounds to me like you are going to do just fine.  Being aware of how you are feeling and able to express it is important.  Things are very emotional in your life right now, changes are a comin'!  But keep talking to your mom, (and us  ) and focus on what is good.  Keep looking for that silver lining, it's there!

Theresa


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## patrisha w. (Oct 28, 2008)

Geoffrey said:


> My advice is to grieve a little if it cleanses your soul but don't wallow in it (and I don't think you are.). Also, if you're going to grieve, then don't beat yourself up for it - just feel what you feel and let yourself be OK with your feelings. (is that too pop-psych?) That said, I'm guessing that you still have some pretty good times in front of you ...


 As I was reading this, I heard my Irish Auntie Babs saying as she said to me so many times, "Don't dwell on it, acushla. Have a good cry and a nice cuppa tea and you'll do fine." Good advice and I say it to myself often...

patrisha


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Leslie I agree completely I would not like that completely perfect memory. Some things are better forgotten or better being re-written by our minds over time. I hope your father pulls through and is doing better, and that he gets healthier each day. Things are so scary when they happen with your family you wish you could take it all onto yourself. I will keep him in my prayers.

Thank you Mom of 4, when I hear about everyone else's ups and downs. Highs/lows. It makes mine come into perspective alot better. Kind of makes things more clear. It may be very emotional right now and that may be even amplified from my pregnancy but "this too shall pass" Thank you for the kind words and inspiration.



patrisha #150 said:


> As I was reading this, I heard my Irish Auntie Babs saying as she said to me so many times, "Don't dwell on it, acushla. Have a good cry and a nice cuppa tea and you'll do fine." Good advice and I say it to myself often...
> 
> patrisha


I'm also BaBs (nick for Barbara Ann) but everyone calls me Babs, and i'm 100% Irish! (but I was Born in America) That is so funny and ironically I also like a "nice cuppa tea" now and then.  I think your Auntie's advice is good and to the point. I might end up having a few too many good crys and nice tea but in the end it WILL be fine! Thank You Patrisha and your Auntie.


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## Carol Hanrahan (Mar 31, 2009)

koolmnbv,
My pediatrician once gave me the best advice just before I became a mother for the first time.  He said people are going to give you all kinds of advice when you have your baby.  Only listen to the advice you want to and forget the rest.  

We're all cheering for you!


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## Bren S. (May 10, 2009)

I truly believe my best days are yet to come.
I don't know what life holds for me,and I am ok with that.
I try to cherish and learn from today, and look forward to tomorrow.
Does it always work?No.Do I have bad days?Yep.
However,every tomorrow brings with it the chance for another beginning,a chance to explore,learn,and grow.
To me that's all that matters.


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