# Things our parents told us (or, why we need therapy)



## austenfiend (Nov 17, 2009)

1)  I bought a new pair of shoes that squeak.  My mom used to say that if shoes squeak they aren't paid for (what the heck does that mean anyway!?!)

2)  My mom used to tell my sister that if she ever got kidnapped and the kidnapper got her under a streetlight he'd return her (mom always liked me better!)

3)  The biggie though, still comes back to haunt me.  "You have to leave a house by the same door you entered."  My friends/neighbors are constantly ribbing me about this!  The other night I went in through the neighbor's garage, the husband later came home and closed the garage.  When it was time to leave I told him I would be opening the garage door so I could get out and he should be sure to shut the door after me.  Of course, I'm perpetuating this rule with my son - I can't help myself!


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## Groggy1 (Jun 21, 2010)

After I told her that I was returning to college she asked: "But Groggy, why?  you can't learn anything!"  Completely seriously....


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## Linjeakel (Mar 17, 2010)

austenfiend said:


> 1) I bought a new pair of shoes that squeak. My mom used to say that if shoes squeak they aren't paid for (what the heck does that mean anyway!?!)


In the old days when cheap shoes for the masses were always made of really tough leather, they squeaked for quite some time until they were well worn in. Poor people who couldn't afford to pay the whole amount when buying a new pair paid for their shoes weekly. So shoes that were still new enough to squeak were likely not yet paid for.


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## Guest (Aug 17, 2010)

My mom told me that average people are the most special people in the world. That's why God made so many of them.


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

My mom told me (at around age 10) that I absolutely could not buy a t-shirt with the l.e.i. brand logo on it, because people would think I was promiscuous. She explained that l.e.i. was too similar to "laid," as in,


Spoiler



"Getting laid."



I was horrified to wear anything of that brand until I was much older and realized she was totally overreacting!


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## Jeff (Oct 28, 2008)

My mother taught me never to lie - except when someone gave me a gift that I didn't like or when my aunt asked if I thought her new dress was pretty.


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## Scheherazade (Apr 11, 2009)

1) "Jack Frost is going to nip at your toes."  I refused to take off my shoes for weeks.

2) "You'll put your eye out jumping over fences."  I would always check each eye after jumping over a fence after that, even if I didn't come anywhere near to hitting them.  I still have this irrational fear of putting my eye out.

3) "If you suck on honeysuckle you'll inhale a black widow and it'll bite you in the throat and you'll die."  Yeah... I seriously got this one all the time from my grandmother.

4) "Clean your plate."  I know a lot of people get this, but I still find myself needing to clean my plate even if I'm full.

5) "If you don't take your nap I'll call the man from the movies to get you."  I got this one from the daycare I went to from the kitchen staff who made me sleep in the kitchen because I apparently tried to wake the other kids up with books.  We went to see some movie, I forget what it was, but it had this guy who ran around burning kids with a hot poker or a cigar on a stick or something.  I wasn't scared at first because I just thought she meant the guy in the projection room, I guess I was too clever for my age.  When I realized who she meant I'd be scared to death every time I heard a car door slam out in the parking lot during nap time.  The threat didn't help me nap, it made me more alert than ever.


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## Jen (Oct 28, 2008)

Scheherazade said:


> 4) "Clean your plate." I know a lot of people get this, but I still find myself needing to clean my plate even if I'm full.


Which is why there are so many obese people! 
My dad always told me there were starving children in China, and being the sarcastic child that I was, I asked for their address!! They can HAVE my brussel sprouts!!


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## Valmore Daniels (Jul 12, 2010)

"A watched pot never boils."

I watched it.

It boiled.

Go figure.


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## Addie (Jun 10, 2009)

One day, I asked mom if she thought I looked pretty, like I'd normally do before leaving the house. Instead of answering me with a simple "yes," she goes into this story: "One day a man was hunting in the woods. A momma bird came up to him and asked him not to shoot any of her babies. He asked which ones were her babies. The momma bird said, 'They're the most beautiful birds in the forest.' The hunter agreed and only shot the ugliest birds he could find. He ended up killing all of her babies."

And then mom just left to go garden or something.

I told all my friends, and they laughed and laughed.

Of course, mom's point was that all parents think their babies are beautiful, not that I'm a hideous little bird that will be shot by a hunter. I would have been good with the "yes," though.


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## cegrundler (Aug 16, 2010)

Escalators!  My mom told me kids who didn't step right on the middle of the step had their legs caught and ripped off. I kid you not. I don't know why, but she instilled such a fear of escalators into me that to this day my husband and daughter laugh... I pause, wait, time it... then JUMP onto the step... then rush off when I reach the top. Real smooth for a grown woman. Given the option, I just take the stairs instead. 

Put me in a small boat on the open ocean with no land for miles, 14 foot seas and howling winds, I'm perfectly happy. Just don't make me ride that damned escalator!


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## N. Gemini Sasson (Jul 5, 2010)

"People are looking at you." (and not meaning in an admiring way)

I always felt like I was doing something wrong, even when I wasn't.  To this day, I have a pervasive sense of guilt.


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

Mom has been grooming me to acheive her own dreams in the medical feild.

When I was twelve and reading a lot, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to give writing a try. She squished it quite quickily. She made my doubt all things I write. I was sixteen when my teachers started to work with me on my creative writing. I think my belief in my writing suck-age originates from my mom.


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## rla1996 (Oct 28, 2008)

When you fall and break your arm I'm going to spank you, because I told you not to be up there in the first place. -- I never could see the logic in that one.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

If she thought I was misbehaving: "I'm going to break your arm and beat you with the bloody end."
I'm pretty sure that one might attract a CPS investigation today.  

deb


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## southerntype (Aug 17, 2010)

This thread is hilarious.

My mother also told us about the escalators, and that there were children who had been sucked under the stairs years before and were still living down there.  She even had rhyming names for them.

She would put us in the car under the carport for naps, because we "slept better that way."  And not just in the cooler months.

She told us that there were monsters in the utility room, and they followed us each time we moved, but they were nice monsters, and terrified of people, except for her, so they'd hide when anyone else went in there.  They also had names and personalities.  

(We rarely watched TV, and her self-invented mythology of things in our house and about our lives was a great source of entertainment to cultivate my budding imagination.  She also read to us every night for an hour or so.  In other words, we didn't suffocate in the car, and if we had, she'd have probably felt bad about it.)

My father told me that eating ice cream and drinking tea would give you kidney stones.  Believed that one until about a month ago.


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## luvmy4brats (Nov 9, 2008)

If you're going to die, please do it in the bathroom, it will be easier to clean up (or something along those lines)


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

My mother told my bro and I that Santa isn't real from the beginning, and taught us about giving or sharing. It didn't go down so well in preschool and elementary school.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Heather, it sounds like your mom had the same sense of humor mine did.


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## Kathy (Nov 5, 2008)

My dad always told us to use plenty of elbow grease when we cleaning something including ourselves. One day he told me to use plenty of elbow grease as I was going to take a bath. I looked all over for a jar of elbow grease and couldn't find anything. I finally asked after hearing him say this a million times asked him where it was. He just laughed and laughed.

He also told my sisters and I that we were eating chicken one night at dinner. It didn't look like chicken, but we knew we had to eat it. We found out later that it was the rabbits he was raising. We had named each and everyone and all 3 of us started crying. He finally gave up raising rabbits for food. We wouldn't eat chicken again until we knew it wasn't one of our pets.


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

When I was three or four the girl next door kept teasing me. This was in military housing so there was a child in practically every house. I'd always run to Mom and tattle. What can I say I was the youngest in the family? So one day my mom (who grew up boxing cuz her bros boxed) told me to just go for it. So the next day, the bully girl came along and was shoving me around again. According to our other neighbor, I stood up, told the bully "My mom told me to do this", and decked her. Mom didn't realize that the things my uncles and my usual babysitters (family friends,the young guys who never left hawaii until they join the military) had been teaching me to use against the boys when i get older would come into play....wow that was a really long sentence. well gotta run and get my takeout


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## Scheherazade (Apr 11, 2009)

I got the sucked up into the escalator thing too.  They still make me nervous... even when they're turned off and they're just malevolent metal stairs with teeth.

I was also told by one grandmother that I was to never go into her living room or upstairs, so both areas became pretty scary places for me... but also places I wanted to see.  I've never been so creeped out as when I finally got the nerve to go upstairs in her house the one time.

She also told me that my grandfather had a sick leg to stop me from trying to sit in his lap... so he became Granddaddy Sickleg.  My other grandfather had allergies so he was Granddaddy Achoo for a while.  Granddaddy Sickleg also had to take his "medicine" several times a day.  I come to find out later that it was scotch or ouzo.  His name was Caldwell but he made everyone call him Tony because he wanted to be Greek.

It's strange how easily things can become magical and sacrosanct as a child and then somewhere along the way we kind of just lose that ability to think that way altogether.  Such are the cynical ways of the adult world.


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## N. Gemini Sasson (Jul 5, 2010)

Kathy said:


> He also told my sisters and I that we were eating chicken one night at dinner. It didn't look like chicken, but we knew we had to eat it. We found out later that it was the rabbits he was raising. We had named each and everyone and all 3 of us started crying. He finally gave up raising rabbits for food. We wouldn't eat chicken again until we knew it wasn't one of our pets.


Deja vu! Happened to me, except it WAS chicken - my 4-H project chickens that he told me he'd given away to someone at work who lived on a farm.

Oh, the gullibility of youth...


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## Lyndl (Apr 2, 2010)

Always wear clean underwear, just in case you get hit by a Bus. 

Had the escalator story too...  so many people seem to know about , what if it's actually true ?


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

Oh man, the escalator stories reminded me of another mom-induced fear of mine. When I was little...like 4 or 5, she borrowed an educational movie from the library about safety issues. I still vividly remember the part on toasters. The video showed someone sticking a fork in a toaster and getting electrocuted. I was absolutely horrified and TO THIS DAY I am terrified of toasters and much prefer toaster ovens.


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## Dawn McCullough White (Feb 24, 2010)

Well, my mother used to tell me to "shake a leg" rather than to "hurry up"... I think it was an old timey quote even for the 1970's, but I've used it on my son and perhaps that will perpetuate this quaint little slang.

I'm not sure how common it really is, but I'm guessing it isn't very, that's why I'm sharing.

Dawn


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## Addie (Jun 10, 2009)

I've heard "shake a leg" as well. Is it a southern thing?



Vegas_Asian said:


> When I was three or four the girl next door kept teasing me. This was in military housing so there was a child in practically every house. I'd always run to Mom and tattle. What can I say I was the youngest in the family? So one day my mom (who grew up boxing cuz her bros boxed) told me to just go for it. So the next day, the bully girl came along and was shoving me around again. According to our other neighbor, I stood up, told the bully "My mom told me to do this", and decked her. Mom didn't realize that the things my uncles and my usual babysitters (family friends,the young guys who never left hawaii until they join the military) had been teaching me to use against the boys when i get older would come into play....wow that was a really long sentence. well gotta run and get my takeout


I've got a somewhat similar story. When I was five or so, I would always play outside with this boy who lived across the street. Well, one day he had a Coke, and I really wanted some, too. He was being a jerk, though, and wouldn't share. So I pushed my face toward the Coke can, and he bit me on the lip and left teeth marks. 
I was very upset, of course, and ran and told mom. She told me that the next time it happened, I should bite him back. (We lived in the country with "wild" kids, and mom was afraid that if I just kept taking that kind of stuff, it would always happen) Well, the next day we were playing again, and I somehow got it in my mind that mom wanted me to be proactive with the biting. So I bit him on the back--without leaving a tooth mark, although, it was red. Clay ran to my mom and told her I bit him. So mom said, "And who taught her how to bite?" He was shocked that mom knew about the lip biting incident, so then he just went back to play with me.
Oh, and he never bit me again.


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## Lyndl (Apr 2, 2010)

'Shake a leg' is pretty common in Aus.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

I have never been afraid of escalators. I guess growing up in NY with department stores, they were everywhere and I would just hop on and off, no big deal. Then I went to graduate school at the University of Illinois in Chicago. The nursing school (9 stories tall) had escalators going up and down for the first three floors, where all the classrooms where. I had one classmate who could not get on an escalator, no matter what. She'd stand there and put her foot out and then pull it back, put it out, pull it back. I had never seen anything like it. Eventually she'd give up and take the elevator, but she always tried to take the escalator, I guess to cure herself of her phobia. It didn't work. LOL.

At home....I have one sister who is six years younger than me, so that's what I heard all the time: "you're six years older." For example,

"Set a good example, you're six years older."
"Yes, Jessica can do that, but you should know better. You're six years older."
"No, she can't clean the bathtub, but you can. You're six years older."
"No, she doesn't have to clean her plate, but you do. You're six years older."

and on and on... Finally, I learned to turn it around:

"Well, I am going to stay out 'til 1 am, because I'm six years older." Which really didn't make sense because staying out late had nothing to do with my sister. But somehow or another, my mother fell for it.  

L


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## G.L. Douglas (Jun 27, 2010)

Well, I got sent outdoors for long periods of time to "blow the stink off" of me. Fortunately, I grew up in Florida, so being outdoors year-round wasn't a bad thing.  But I still wonder why she'd lock the door after me.  heh


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## JennaAnderson (Dec 25, 2009)

luvmy4brats said:


> If you're going to die, please do it in the bathroom, it will be easier to clean up (or something along those lines)


Wow - that is a good one.

Mom sayings:
"Tomorrow is another day." Which means shut up and go to sleep
"We'll see." This usually came after a long plea from me for her to buy me something. That's all she'd say. Two words that meant - no way, now go away.
"If *I* ever get hit by a bus I left some money under my placemat."

One day I asked my mom if she thought one of our upstairs bedrooms was haunted. After a very long pause she said, "They won't hurt you."

EEEEKKK

My parents have passed away and my siblings and I love to talk about their silly comments to us.


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## austenfiend (Nov 17, 2009)

Clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus - I had forgotten all about that one!

Escalators - as a child I sat on the step in defiance of my mom continually telling me about the sucking thing that escalators supposedly do.  My dress got sucked in and they had to turn it off and get me out.  Now I kind of do the step on, step off thingy when around escalators.

I love hearing what other people's parents told them.  There are some funny stories here!!!


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

austenfiend said:


> Escalators - as a child I sat on the step in defiance of my mom continually telling me about the sucking thing that escalators supposedly do. My dress got sucked in and they had to turn it off and get me out. Now I kind of do the step on, step off thingy when around escalators.


That sounds terrifying! My mom told me that if I didn't step off immediately, it would suck up my shoelaces. I kind of took this to mean that it would start with my shoelaces and then suck up the rest of me as well. I still step off escalators as soon as I can, so they can't grab my shoelaces!


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## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

I cannot think of any funny things of this type. My mom was trying not to pass on some of the crazy stuff. She did tell us later some of what she had been told as a child but her advice was more practical. My mom would warn us that untied shoe laces could get caught in escalators so I would often check my laces before getting on an escalator. Once, when I hurried down an escalator while carrying lugage at a European airport to catch a plane, the escalator caught my shoe lace while I was trying to step off at the bottom. I saw what happened, set the luggage down, and tried to get it loose. Others hurried over to ask if I was OK. I replied, "I am OK. It just has my shoelace." I had to slip off my shoe to get loose. I now always check my laces first. (Is it paranoia if they are really trying to get you?)


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## julieannfelicity (Jun 28, 2010)

One of my foster mothers told me if I ate the seeds of fruit or vegetables, I'd grow those plants in my belly.  I still have a fear of eating seeds (sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, etc).

Then another foster mother told me there was a refrigerator monster who'd take my fingers if I tried to sneak food out of the 'fridge at night.  She also told me if I got out of bed, the witch who lived in the closet would snatch me and take me away.  Let's just say, I was too scared to even get up to go potty at night.

(Luckily I didn't live there very long!)


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## Dawn McCullough White (Feb 24, 2010)

T.L. Haddix said:


> I've heard it. What part of the country are you from?


Rochester, NY area


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## Scheherazade (Apr 11, 2009)

I got the swallowing seeds will grow a plant in your belly too.  Also something about swallowing chewing gum, but I didn't chew it enough to worry about it so I don't recall what that does to you.  And yes, I've been stuck at the top of an escalator too.  It's way more terrifying going down the escalator than up it.  I've also always heard "Shake a leg." and I'm from Virginia with South Carolina roots, so it must be a southern thing.

I used to play games with my grandfather, granddaddy sickleg, not achoo, and all he'd really play was cards.  So we'd play fish and crazy eights and old maid... the usual stuff.  But he always had these things he said while playing that I still don't understand but kind of stick with me as nice memories of him none-the-less.  "And on the other hand she had warts/a silk glove."  I think is just a play on the whole "On the other hand..." thing while saying something completely out of left field after it in a punny sort of way.  He also always said "Well how now brown cow."  I really like cows now despite one trying to eat my hand when I was little and maybe that's why... I never made the connection till now (I was told I could feed the cow at this farm and my mom gave me like a quarter of a piece of bread to give it.  Cows have giant tongues and it was a small piece of bread in my tiny hand... he didn't bite or anything but it was still pretty disturbing.)


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

Geeze, the only thing that might be warped that I got from my parents is their sense of humor. When I was 14, and mom & I had been painting doors all day, we were tired and kinda giggly.. and we got to wondering.. what happend to people who swallowed gum and then had a gas attack...


Spoiler



Brown Bubbles


 made us laugh for an hour. This was like... 25 years ago....


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

When I was little we spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and their place was heated by a coal-burning oven. It had two doors, the lower one for building the fire with coals and newspaper to start it in the morning, and the upper one for poking at the fire once in a while during the day and maybe throwing in unwanted scraps of paper. You'd think that any child who opened one of those doors would immediately recoil from the heat, and not do anything stupid like put their hand inside, but I was _constantly_ told not to go anywhere _near _the oven because I would get burned. As a result I was afraid of fire well into my teen years. I was unable to light a match. (My parents were never concerned that I might start smoking... ) It wasn't until I was 16 that I sat down with a box of matches and decided I was going to learn to light a candle. It took me close to two hours, shaking and perspiring, to strike that first match.


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## Bane766 (Aug 2, 2010)

I heard the seed one as well.  For chewing gum, they told us that it took 7 years to digest so if you swallowed your gum then it would eventually build up and you would explode.  I don't chew gum to this day (I also thinks it makes people look like horses, but that's a different thing).

My mother had this book of fairys when I was around 3.  She showed my older sister and I the book and read to us about the fairys in it.  The book had good fairys and bad fairys.  What terrified me was this bad female fairy that lived in Toilets.  The book said she would wait until a boy was peeing in the toilet and then snatch them down into the toilet and eat them.  I was worried about toilets for a long time afterward...I obviously still used them but there was a worry about that evil toilet fairy.  I still think about that fairy to this day when peeing, lol.


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

> I got the sucked up into the escalator thing too. They still make me nervous... even when they're turned off and they're just malevolent metal stairs with teeth.


That's even worse! What if it suddenly starts up when you're not expecting it!?!



> One of my foster mothers told me if I ate the seeds of fruit or vegetables, I'd grow those plants in my belly. I still have a fear of eating seeds (sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, etc).


That's not quite the old wives' tale some of us have thought:

A man who who went to hospital with breathing troubles was found to have a pea plant growing in his lung.

Ron Sveden, 75, had suffered for several months with short breath before being given an X-ray in May, WHDH reports.

The retired teacher from Brewster, Massachussts feared that a grainy spot on the image showed a cancerous growth, but it was later found to be a 12mm pea plant.

Sveden said: "I was told I had a pea seed in my lung that had split and had sprouted.

"Whether this would have gone full-term and I'd be working for the jolly green giant, I don't know. I think the thing that finally dawned on me is that it wasn't the cancer."

He added: "One of the first meals I had in the hospital after the surgery had peas for the vegetable. I laughed to myself and ate them."


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

Oh my gosh, that's horrifying, 4Katie!! Well, now I'll just be extra sure not to inhale any pea seeds...


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## David &#039;Half-Orc&#039; Dalglish (Feb 1, 2010)

The first time I ever had Kiwi fruit, my uncle told me that I had to pick out all the seeds first, because they could make me sick. My mom finally asked what I was doing a few minutes later, gooey kiwi all over my fingers, seeds everywhere, and still only halfway done...


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## Scheherazade (Apr 11, 2009)

Half-Orc said:


> The first time I ever had Kiwi fruit, my uncle told me that I had to pick out all the seeds first, because they could make me sick. My mom finally asked what I was doing a few minutes later, gooey kiwi all over my fingers, seeds everywhere, and still only halfway done...


Uncles are good like that. Mine had promised to get me a cactus when we were at Nag's Head on a walk across the dunes. He had a cup he was drinking from and he said he'd carry me one home in it so long as my rambunctious bouncing didn't topple the contents of said cup before he finished it. If that happened then I had to carry it. Sure enough the cup tipped over at some point somehow and I found myself carrying home a cactus with my mother none too happy with my uncle. I wanted it bad enough that the thought of just not carrying it didn't even occur to me. It's not like he forced it into my hand or anything, but the idea was ingrained into my mind so it had to be done.


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## tessa (Nov 1, 2008)

My mother was always telling me  " Watch out, or someday you'll have a daughter just like you!.

and I did 2 of them


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## luvmy4brats (Nov 9, 2008)

I'm certain my 2 youngest will require therapy. I call them Pickle and Troll.


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## N. Gemini Sasson (Jul 5, 2010)

luvmy4brats said:


> I'm certain my 2 youngest will require therapy. I call them Pickle and Troll.


Hey, we have a Pickle and a Tater Tot.

When I was old enough to graduate from the crib to a real bed, I do believe there was mention of the Boogy Man in the closet getting me if I got out of bed. For some reason, I always imagined him dressed in black burglar gear, with a Spaghetti-O meatball for a head and Cheerio eyes.


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## caseyf6 (Mar 28, 2010)

My Mom would ALWAYS say "Nowhere is it written that life is supposed to be fair."  Dangit, she was right but it still makes me grumble.  

She too would give us the "I hope your kids are just like you" and sometimes that was a compliment and sometimes a curse.  I tell my kids that one all the time, and then I tell them if I mean it as a compliment or a curse!

You might like the book "Sh*t My Dad Says"-- it is a riot.  A little crass at times and definitely written by a GUY but still funny.


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## vikingwarrior22 (May 25, 2009)

When as I went into the den as a young man with my father needing funds for my always needful projects (food/entertainment/toys etc) he would say "you are gonna have to do like they do in (insert citys name of your choice) ...and without fail I would always give him the straight line (I knew in my heart one day it would be a magical solution)...without.


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## Brenda Carroll (May 21, 2009)

At least your dad talked to you!!  Mine used to listen intently to my remarks, complaints, pleas and then laugh.
Mom?  Well, she had this way of just looking at me... you know the look?  Yeah, like that. 

This also causes us to need therapy especially when we grow up and everyone else seems to have been taking lessons from Mom and Dad.


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## cc84 (Aug 6, 2010)

My mum's a mobile hairdresser and when i was a kid one of her friends came to our house for her hair doing. I wanted to go out and play with my friends but it was getting dark so my mum said no and her friend said "if you go out after dark, Billy Bad Boy will get you. He steals children after dark and they never come home again"

I'm still scared of this Billy fella.


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## Laurie (Jan 9, 2009)

"Money doesn't grow on trees you know!"

"You better wipe that look off your face or I'll do it for you"

"If you're going to cry I'll give you something to cry for"

My mother had a strange one that she would use when she got frustrated by us kids always asking for _something_... When she needed a break from our demands she'd say "You expect me to do wonders and sh&% cucumbers!"

Everytime we drove by a cemetery my father would always say "Do you know how many people would die to be there?" Then, after a brief pause, he'd say "All of them!" That just cracked him up.

And finally, because nobody's said it yet but I bet lots of you heard it from your father: "Pull my finger"


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

My mom used to yell in exasperation that I was "slow as molasses" quite frequently. I still get irritated at the thought of molasses now.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

slow as molasses. . .  .running uphill. . . . . . . in January. . . . .  .


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

> Everytime we drove by a cemetery my father would always say "Do you know how many people would die to be there?" Then, after a brief pause, he'd say "All of them!" That just cracked him up.


My mom said that EVERY TIME we passed a cemetary. And we were supposed to laugh hysterically EVERY TIME. For YEARS.


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## Paegan (Jul 20, 2009)

My mother called me "The Queen Bitch of the Universe".  She'd always warn me to "be nice to this one" when she learned of a new boyfriend.  She cursed me..never been married.


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## Laurie (Jan 9, 2009)

4Katie said:


> My mom said that EVERY TIME we passed a cemetary. And we were supposed to laugh hysterically EVERY TIME. For YEARS.


Yes - we were supposed to laugh every time too


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## Christine Merrill (Aug 19, 2010)

"You won't like it."

That list had everything on it from Chinese food to travel, to Novocaine.  She just assumed that I wouldn't want to do anything she didn't want to do.  And she didn't want to do or try anything.

She also told me that butter was just the same as margarine.

She could have said, "No.  We are poor."  It would have been quicker.


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## Joel Arnold (May 3, 2010)

Whenever we'd be on a road trip and saw a sign that said 'Watch Out for Falling Rock' my dad always - ALWAYS - said, "Oh - I think I just saw him! There - over there. Didja see him? It was Falling Rock." or something along those lines.

He also used the phrase 'Happy as a clam' a lot, which I never really understood, since I never met a clam that was happy, sad, or the least bit emotional.

He also liked to shape his hand into a gun and pull the imaginary trigger when farting...


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## mom133d (aka Liz) (Nov 25, 2008)

Joel Arnold said:


> Whenever we'd be on a road trip and saw a sign that said 'Watch Out for Falling Rock' my dad always - ALWAYS - said, "Oh - I think I just saw him! There - over there. Didja see him? It was Falling Rock." or something along those lines.
> 
> He also liked to shape his hand into a gun and pull the imaginary trigger when farting...


Funny, my dad told me that Falling Rock was a kidnapped Indian princess we were supposed to be watching for. To this day, I still glance to see I see anyone nearby. Like, she'd only be near the sign, you know?

Dad shape his hand into a gun, but he'd have us pull his finger. We've already trained our son to run away when Granddaddy says "Come here and pull my finger".


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## Michael Brian (Aug 10, 2010)

my parents were big fans of "It builds character."  I don't know about you, but now I have more than enough character spilling onto the page.


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## JuneGem (Jul 3, 2010)

My mom never praised me. If I did something well, like get an A for a test and proudly show her my test, she said "That's nice, but why can't you do that all the time?"

When I was an adult, I asked her why she never just said "good job" or "I'm proud of you", she replied "because if I told you I was proud of you, you would stop trying."

Yea, I stopped trying when I was 12, I remember the click in my brain when I realized I'd never make her happy and I decided to just stop trying. It was liberating for me.


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## Tripp (May 28, 2009)

Guilty mom here.  When my younger son was doing something he shouldn't in his car seat, I saw him in the rearview mirror and told him to stop whatever he was doing.  He asked me how I knew what he was doing and I told him that mom's had eyes in the back of their heads and could see everything.  I guess he looked for years to see where those eyes were.  When he told me this a few years ago, I thought I would die laughing.


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## Valmore Daniels (Jul 12, 2010)

"Quit whining! When I was your age I had to walk five miles to school in the blinding snow! Uphill! Both ways!"


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

When I would make silly faces at sisters, my mom would tell me to stop it! Do you want your face to freeze like that? I would always make the worst I could think of and hold it as long as I could, trying to make it freeze. Never worked, though. (Sigh)

edit to add: 1st post from my K3


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## drenfrow (Jan 27, 2010)

Bane766 said:


> For chewing gum, they told us that it took 7 years to digest so if you swallowed your gum then it would eventually build up and you would explode. I don't chew gum to this day (I also thinks it makes people look like horses, but that's a different thing).


We were told this too. And why 7 years? I have never swallowed a piece of gum in my life and if I see someone swallow their gum, I always shudder...

My mom was an RN who worked with cancer patients so her sympathy for cuts and bruises was limited. If I came crying with a skinned knee... she would say, "Don't worry, it will get well by the time you get married." What does that even mean?! I heard that so many times and always hated it. My dad's line was "Like or lump it." You can see there was no babying in my family!


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Whenever we (allegedly) whined or complained about something, my father would say, "Oh, pitiful Pearl" and pretend to play a violin. I wanted to smack him!

L


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## N. Gemini Sasson (Jul 5, 2010)

Valmore Daniels said:


> "Quit whining! When I was your age I had to walk five miles to school in the blinding snow! Uphill! Both ways!"


And backwards!


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## N. Gemini Sasson (Jul 5, 2010)

JuneGem said:


> My mom never praised me. If I did something well, like get an A for a test and proudly show her my test, she said "That's nice, but why can't you do that all the time?"
> 
> When I was an adult, I asked her why she never just said "good job" or "I'm proud of you", she replied "because if I told you I was proud of you, you would stop trying."
> 
> Yea, I stopped trying when I was 12, I remember the click in my brain when I realized I'd never make her happy and I decided to just stop trying. It was liberating for me.


I'd almost swear we were siblings, except it was my dad. The title of the thread could just have well have been: "Things our parents didn't tell us."


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

> "Quit whining! When I was your age I had to walk five miles to school in the blinding snow! Uphill! Both ways!





> And backwards!


And barefoot!


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## Addie (Jun 10, 2009)

The grades thing makes me think of how my mom reacted to my report cards. If I got a B, I would spend the rest of the school day dreading going home. Mom wasn't even that thrilled with low A's, but they were acceptable. I remember my best friend at the time would normally get B's and C's, but when she got an A, her mom would give her $10. I told mom I should get money for my A's. So she'd give me a dollar for each A, which, for each report card, ended up being ... wait for it ... $7. Her excuse was that my bff rarely got A's, so it wasn't that much money for her parents. Since I always got A's, it would be to expensive to keep up with. Talk about being punished for doing well.


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## Jen (Oct 28, 2008)

Paegan said:


> My mother called me "The Queen Bitch of the Universe". She'd always warn me to "be nice to this one" when she learned of a new boyfriend. She cursed me..never been married.


HEY! Did we have the same mom? Because that's MY title! She told me I'd never find anyone that would be able to live with me. I did, I just picked a mellow one that can handle me !!



N. Gemini Sasson said:


> I'd almost swear we were siblings, except it was my dad. The title of the thread could just have well have been: "Things our parents didn't tell us."


Me too, it was my dad. It's still that way to this day. And I work for him, so you can only imagine. I'll never forget one of my lacrosse games in high school when I scored 4 goals - I got in the car, "HOW did you miss that one to the left!" After 30 years of it, I'm used to it. Doesn't even bother me anymore! And I kick butt at my job, so I don't have to worry about it at work. He says nothing - which in my world means I do a good job.


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

JuneGem said:


> My mom never praised me. If I did something well, like get an A for a test and proudly show her my test, she said "That's nice, but why can't you do that all the time?"
> 
> When I was an adult, I asked her why she never just said "good job" or "I'm proud of you", she replied "because if I told you I was proud of you, you would stop trying."
> 
> Yea, I stopped trying when I was 12, I remember the click in my brain when I realized I'd never make her happy and I decided to just stop trying. It was liberating for me.


I know this feeling. My mom would sigh (by the way I am not allowed to sigh. its a sign of defience) and comment on how she wish'd i'd do _______ (blank being a runner, a cheerleader, a doctor....basic anything I really am). I was in middle school when I started writing. She told me I was bad and should go into the medical field so I can help my special needs brother when she gets old. At sixteen I won third place in the district writing contest (in las vegas, short story category) and all she had to comment on was that I didn't come in first.



T.L. Haddix said:


> I loved coffee when I was a little girl. Lots of creamer, some good, strong Folgers, and I was happy. They wouldn't let me have too much, though, and they told me that it would stunt my growth. Now, as an adult who stands 5'2" tall, well. Yeah. I do wonder.


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## Marie (Dec 29, 2008)

cegrundler said:


> Escalators! My mom told me kids who didn't step right on the middle of the step had their legs caught and ripped off. I kid you not. I don't know why, but she instilled such a fear of escalators into me that to this day my husband and daughter laugh... I pause, wait, time it... then JUMP onto the step... then rush off when I reach the top. Real smooth for a grown woman. Given the option, I just take the stairs instead.
> 
> Put me in a small boat on the open ocean with no land for miles, 14 foot seas and howling winds, I'm perfectly happy. Just don't make me ride that damned escalator!


Actually, having been married to a man in the elevator/escalator business for 40 years, I could tell you horror stories about feet that have been stuck in escalators!

You should never let your feet get too close to the sides of the stairs. If your shoe is rubbing the side it can actually grab your shoe and you can lose your foot. You can hang off the back edge, just don't go too far to the side!

Huh, maybe Mom was right about this one- go figure......


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## JL Bryan (Aug 10, 2010)

Vegas_Asian said:


> I know this feeling. My mom would sigh (by the way I am not allowed to sigh. its a sign of defience) and comment on how she wish'd i'd do _______ (blank being a runner, a cheerleader, a doctor....basic anything I really am). I was in middle school when I started writing. She told me I was bad and should go into the medical field so I can help my special needs brother when she gets old. At sixteen I won third place in the district writing contest (in las vegas, short story category) and all she had to comment on was that I didn't come in first.


Yeah, similar. I usually got all A's. When I got a B you would think I'd gotten arrested by the police or something. My freshman year of college, my mom told me she expected me to become a doctor and cure a major disease, though I'd never had in interest in being a doctor and math/science weren't even my strong subjects. I got an English literature degree instead and have been marginally employed ever since


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## vickir (Jan 14, 2009)

My grandmother used to say If you drown, don't come crying to me.


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## Geoffrey (Jun 20, 2009)

My mother's rule regarding warm weather was we had to wear a jacket until it turned 65 degrees .... it was pretty much hardcoded into my DNAa and I still grab a jacket if I'm going outside when it's 64.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Geoffrey said:


> My mother's rule regarding warm weather was we had to wear a jacket until it turned 65 degrees .... it was pretty much hardcoded into my DNAa and I still grab a jacket if I'm going outside when it's 64.


The corollary to that is that you can't wear your coat inside when you are cold because...something will happen to you. I'm not sure what, exactly, but wearing coats indoors to warm up was _verboten_.

L


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## hsuthard (Jan 6, 2010)

I honestly don't remember much of what my parents said to me, but this weekend I realized she's now spewing ridiculous stuff to MY daughter! I took Alli with me to the grocery store and she told me she didn't want to be a vegetarian any more because Grandma A had told her that she would die. She didn't want to get any pistachios because Grandma B told her it would make her fat because they're full of fat. sheesh! Why don't old ladies keep their weight issues to themselves!


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

hsuthard said:


> I honestly don't remember much of what my parents said to me, but this weekend I realized she's now spewing ridiculous stuff to MY daughter! I took Alli with me to the grocery store and she told me she didn't want to be a vegetarian any more because Grandma A had told her that she would die. She didn't want to get any pistachios because Grandma B told her it would make her fat because they're full of fat. sheesh! Why don't old ladies keep their weight issues to themselves!


Oh my gosh, that's terrible! Poor kid.


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## JL Bryan (Aug 10, 2010)

I remembered another one: "The best way to deal with bullies is to ignore them."

False.  Ignore them and they pick on you more.  The actual best way to deal with bullies is to humiliate them.  Then they'll leave you alone for less troublesome targets.


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## Hoosiermama (Dec 28, 2009)

> "I'm going to break your arm and beat you with the bloody end."


Our mothers must be related. Mine would say "I'm going to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump." Other favorites were 
"If it's raining, and the sun is shining, stick a pin in the ground and you can hear the devil beating his wife." 
"I could chew you up and spit you out."
"I'm going to squeeze the stuffin' out of you!"

I'm sure there are more, but those stand out, and had to laugh out loud when I read yours!


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

2 things: 
My DH's Grandmother (and she was right) When you are too good; you're no good.  People love to take advantage.
My Mom:  Watch out for the quiet ones. and Once a cheat always a cheat.  (True)  I've seen guys who don't make a peep land themselves in more trouble...also:  I've seen partners forgive each other and then repeat the process later, leaving more disaster in the wake.


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## kcmay (Jul 14, 2010)

My mom swears to this day that eating raw cookie dough gives you worms.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

Leslie said:


> The corollary to that is that you can't wear your coat inside when you are cold because...something will happen to you. I'm not sure what, exactly, but wearing coats indoors to warm up was _verboten_.
> 
> L


I can explain that one... the parental theory is that if you keep your coat on indoors you'll adjust to feeling comfortable with the coat in the indoor temperature, and then when you go back out you'll be freezing cold again, because there will be a 40-degree temperature drop without any warmer clothing to compensate.

Whether or not this makes sense is another matter....


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

hsuthard said:


> I honestly don't remember much of what my parents said to me, but this weekend I realized she's now spewing ridiculous stuff to MY daughter! I took Alli with me to the grocery store and she told me she didn't want to be a vegetarian any more because Grandma A had told her that she would die. She didn't want to get any pistachios because Grandma B told her it would make her fat because they're full of fat. sheesh! Why don't old ladies keep their weight issues to themselves!


It's not just weight. (We get that too, though. ) It's also a complete disregard for the "modern" customs of wearing sunscreen and using bicycle helmets.


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## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

kcmay said:


> My mom swears to this day that eating raw cookie dough gives you worms.


40 years ago, my mom did not let us eat raw cookie dough or cake batter if it contained eggs from the store as she said we would get salmonella from it.  It was only OK the times we used eggs from our own chickens. Wait -- Mom was right on that one!


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## Tippy (Dec 8, 2008)

When I was a girl I loved to whistle.  My grandmother would always sniff, look down her nose and say, "Whistling girls and crowing hens always come to some bad end.".  I continued to whistle, but felt a niggle of guilt for a long time. 

My father told me that bread crusts would give me curly hair.  I have thick straight hair and always yearned for curly hair.  I ate a lot of bread crusts, alas no curls.

My mother told me I deserved to have a daughter like me.  Several years after my beautiful daughter was born, my mother told me "It's not fair.  I deserved a daughter like Laura."  Well she did, but you don't always get what you deserve. . . thank goodness.    

I have really enjoyed each of the posts.  This is a fun thread.


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

> My father told me that bread crusts would give me curly hair. I have thick straight hair and always yearned for curly hair. I ate a lot of bread crusts, alas no curls.


If I'd known that, I'd never have eaten bread crusts. I have curly hair, and always hated it!


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## drenfrow (Jan 27, 2010)

I just remembered, if you ever said "Hey!", my dad would say "Hay is for horses, you ought to be eating grass by now, most jackasses your age do."


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## mom133d (aka Liz) (Nov 25, 2008)

drenfrow said:


> I just remembered, if you ever said "Hey!", my dad would say "Hay is for horses, you ought to be eating grass by now, most jackasses your age do."


hehe. We say "Hay is for horses, sometimes cows. Pigs don't eat it 'cause they don't know how."

Thunderstorms would bring my house back to the stone age. All electronics would be turned off, we weren't allowed to talk on the phone, take a bath or flush the toliet until the storm passed. And we couldn't flush the toliet if the power was out.


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## LCEvans (Mar 29, 2009)

We had banana trees growing in our back yard and quite often two of the bananas would grow joined together. My grandmother would never let us eat them because she said if we did we would one day give birth to conjoined twins. Same with double yolked eggs from our chickens. She would eat the double bananas and eggs herself "to save us." 

Linda


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

mom133d said:


> And we couldn't flush the toliet if the power was out.


I'm lost on this one. Did you have electric toilets?


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## kcmay (Jul 14, 2010)

4Katie said:


> If I'd known that, I'd never have eaten bread crusts. I have curly hair, and always hated it!


Same here. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I learned to appreciate having wash-n-wear hair.


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## ValeriGail (Jan 21, 2010)

This thread is too funny!!  

My parents are polar opposites of each other.  My mom says crazy scary things like "I put you into the world, I can take you right out of it!"  Or "Are you bleeding? well then go away!"  "If you get blood everywhere, I'll make you clean it up!" or "you know the basement is haunted right?  I wouldn't go down there alone"  And on and on.  Rubbed off on my sister who told her children that the manager in the store could take them to jail for misbehaving.  She would just have to say "should I go get the manager" and the kids would go pale and stay silent as terrified lambs till she was done shopping.  But then again, I took advantage of my sister's parent by terror style once and told my son that Aunt N stuff's bad children up her fireplace.  He didn't believe me and ran to ask her. With out skipping a beat she answered "Sure do, there are nine of them up there right now.  If you sit quietly you can hear them cry"  I about fell over!  Too this day, my now 14 year old son still talks about Aunt N shoving kids up her fireplace.  

My dad on the other hand likes humor.  He's always setting us up for one liners.  But the one thing I remember most from childhood was his crazy sayigns while driving.  If we passed a "stop ahead" sign on the road... he would literally grab someones head, or smack someone in the forehead and say "the sign said to stop a head!"  He did this every time we were in the car for as long as I can remember.  I bet he still does it!  

As for the escalators..  Yeah, terrified of them here too.  My mom always said that if my shoes weren't tied they'd get stuck and I'd get sucked in (just like many of you all heard growing up).  She'd also warn us about scarfs too.  But the clincher for me was watching a movie while I was on spring break with a friend. (my mom would never have allowed me to watch this scary of a movie, even though she threatened us with even scarier stuff daily! HAHA) called "the kiss" or something like that.  It was about an alien that killed people by kissing them (or was it a witch, not sure).  So one of the characters goes to the mall, wearing a really long scarf and a chain necklace.  Yep, both got caught in the top of the escalator, and it chopped her head off.  That was it for me.  Sealed the deal.  I still have issues wearing a scarf, and won't get on an escalator with one at all!  I do the jump onto the middle of the step... and am even more terrified when I have my kids on there with me!  I just tend to try to avoid them at all possible.


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## Brenda Carroll (May 21, 2009)

My dad is always ready to tell jokes and my mom hates it. I don't know why, but she always says "They've already heard that!" But I don't care if I've heard it or not. It's not the joke that's funny, but my dad. He gets tickled and can't tell the joke without cracking up which makes me crack up, too and there is nothing more precious than listening to his laughter. He's 81 years old and still working. Says he's only going to work until he's 85!! And here I am, retired already!

My mom told me once when I was very young, right around puberty, I guess, that whenever I started going out and kissing that whatever I did, not to


Spoiler



go sticking my tongue in anybody's mouth


! Of course, I needed to find out what would happen if I did as soon as I could possibly find a girl willing to allow it. I was expecting something quite different and appalling than what happened...     Mother, please!!!


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

As an adult, with a real job, I mentioned to my parents that I had to take a technical class for work.  When I left the room, I overheard my dad asking my mom, "Is she smart enough for that?"

Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad!  Maybe my college education and my job as a software design & developer should tell you that I'm at least smarter than a doorknob.  Who has the number of a good therapist?


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## mom133d (aka Liz) (Nov 25, 2008)

T.L. Haddix said:


> If not electric toilets, did you have a well? We did until we moved into the new house, and whenever the power went out, so did the water. I do not miss that.


Ah ha! Dad grew up with a well. We only had a well at one house and that was my senior year of high school. (Yes, we moved around a lot. Retail management brat, not military.)


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

kcmay said:


> Same here. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I learned to appreciate having wash-n-wear hair.


I'm past the 40's, and I still don't appreciate it. But I've discovered the magic of relaxers, so now I can live with it.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Jessica Billings said:


> I'm lost on this one. Did you have electric toilets?


Was this explained to you yet... If you have a well (not "city water") then you need an electric pump to get the water out.
no electricity => pump doesn't work => no water => can't flush


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

kim said:


> As an adult, with a real job, I mentioned to my parents that I had to take a technical class for work. When I left the room, I overheard my dad asking my mom, "Is she smart enough for that?"
> 
> Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad! Maybe my college education and my job as a software design & developer should tell you that I'm at least smarter than a doorknob. Who has the number of a good therapist?


I wrote a thesis, and a dissertation.
I had a book published before I was 30 and have had several more since then.
I wrote research grants and brought in more than $1 million in funding over a ten year period.
I have written over 100 peer reviewed articles and edited two professional journals.

Does any of this mean diddly-do to my mother? Nope. You know what she got excited about? Having a crossword puzzle published in the *New York Times*.

My father, on the other hand, was always very very proud of all my accomplishments. Thanks, Dad.

L


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

mom133d said:


> Thunderstorms would bring my house back to the stone age. All electronics would be turned off, we weren't allowed to talk on the phone, take a bath or flush the toliet until the storm passed. And we couldn't flush the toliet if the power was out.


And we had to fill the bathtub with water.

And no, we didn't have a well. We were on city water. Go figure.

L


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Leslie said:


> Does any of this mean diddly-do to my mother? Nope. You know what she got excited about? Having a crossword puzzle published in the *New York Times*.
> 
> L


Well. . .but that is pretty cool. . . . .and something she could actually enjoy. 

(I only read my husband's thesis because I had proof reading responsibilities, for instance.  )


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

Some of these stories remind me of the mom on Two and a Half Men, who has no appreciation for the accomplishments of her two grown sons. Charlie is a jingle-writer, and was very proud when he landed the Pepsi account. His mom, in typical fashion, replied, 'What - you couldn't get Coke?'


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