# *Thunder Clap* I am the PRINCE OF PRAWNS, cower before my promo report thread!



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

I have ASCENDED from lowly prawn, to the NOBLE Crab! *clack clack clack*

LOOK UPON ME, bipedal mortals, and despair--for my mighty claws *clack clack clack* know the secrets of your TYPING, and your INTERNET PROMOTIONS. Today is a GLORIOUS day, as it is the first of a week of days heralding the coming of my short story _A Life Before Sleep_. My objective is to use this story merely as bait for those of you who will wander TOO CLOSE and become enticed by my INTRIGUING world, and exciting story. You will have NO choice but to purchase the inspiration for my short, my novel, _We Are Watching_. And once you do, it'll be too late! For it is I who have now CAUGHT YOU! *clack clack clack*

3/2/15 - Ebooklister.net, eBook Soda - 3 short sales, 1 novel sale
3/3/15 - Bargain Ebook Hunter, Ebooklister.net - 3 short sales, 3 novel sales
3/4/15 - PixelScroll - 2 short sales, 1 novel sale
3/5/15 - SweetFreeBooks.com - 8 short sales, 1 novel borrow
3/6/15 - Awesome Gang, OHFB (no listing in OHFB) - 1 short borrow
3/7/15 - Bargain Booksy, Read Cheaply - 3 short sales

*clack clack clack*


----------



## PearlEarringLady (Feb 28, 2014)

LOL! I wish the the very best of luck, oh Great Crab. May your clackings be fruitful (and may no one catch you and stuff you and serve you with rocket salad...).


----------



## Rex (Mar 21, 2014)

Nice.

Makes me think of Randy Pincherson crossed with Stewie.

I recommend putting BKNights in there. And Freebooksy or BargainBooksy if your story matches their requirements. They offer paid guaranteed, but I got picked up on the unpaid side.


----------



## R. M. Webb (Jul 24, 2014)

Ha! Very funny...

*searches overly tired brain for witty return*



PaulineMRoss said:


> LOL! I wish the the very best of luck, oh Great Crab. May your clackings be fruitful (and may no one catch you and stuff you and serve you with rocket salad...).


What she said!

*gives awkward thumbs up and wanders from the room*


----------



## GoneToWriterSanctum (Sep 13, 2014)

I do not accept VerticalScope's Terms Of Service on Kboards, and have asked for my account to be deleted, along with all of my posts.

If you are here as a result of a Google search, _*leave now*_. The owners of this site are interested only in your possible ad revenue.


----------



## smikeo (Dec 1, 2014)

I shall sacrifice a goat for thy success oh mighty one
(No goats were harmed when writing this post)


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)




----------



## Thisiswhywecan&#039;thavenicethings (May 3, 2013)

Are you sure you're not being just a little shellfish?


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)

ReGina W said:


> Are you sure you're not being just a little shellfish?


Don't say that, or he'll clam up.


----------



## EC Sheedy (Feb 24, 2011)

Now if that "clack, clack, clack" turns into "click, click, click" all will be well on the ocean's floor.

Ah, it's good to be a crab...

Good luck!


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

Yes, YES! *clack clack clack* Come closer HUMANS! You're already FEEDING UPON MY TRAP. Keep buying my NOVEL! *clack clack clack*


----------



## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

Good luck, crazy crab man! Is that a Rocking Book Cover?


----------



## I&#039;m a Little Teapot (Apr 10, 2014)

Lydniz said:


> Don't say that, or he'll clam up.


He's already flexing his mussels.


----------



## NoBlackHats (Oct 17, 2012)

(still laughing)

How can I not borrow this book?  Seems like the least I could do after all my past sins consisting of huge Crab Louis and melted butter....


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

CadyVance said:


> Good luck, crazy crab man! Is that a Rocking Book Cover?


Keen eye, HUMAN. Indeed it is a ROCKING BOOK COVER! For his help, Andrijus was the first to bask in my GLORY.


----------



## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

lol Matt. Good luck, my clackety friend! And keep us posted how it does : )


----------



## e-chant (May 6, 2014)

I bow to you, my prince 
Good luck with you plans for world crab domination!


----------



## Scott Bartlett (Apr 1, 2012)

Best promo report thread ever.

*attempts to clack fleshy appendages*



*opts for snapping them*


----------



## Robert Dahlen (Apr 27, 2014)

SevenDays said:


> He's already flexing his mussels.


Yeah, but you still have to wish him lobster luck...

I'll show myself out.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

Your puns AMUSE me, humans!


----------



## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

lol


----------



## Dobby the House Elf (Aug 16, 2014)

SevenDays said:


> He's already flexing his mussels.


*whacka whacka*


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

Overall, I am PLEASED with my first day. Ebook soda performed to my EXPECTATIONS, and ebooklister.net was a TOTAL CRAP SHOOT ANYHOW. They appear to be UNFRIENDLY toward new releases, as they give higher spots on their website to books with LOADS of REVIEWS.


----------



## jackconnerbooks (Nov 18, 2014)

A crab from one of my books has escaped and is now posting! Flee in terr--CLACK!


----------



## LectorsBooks (Apr 30, 2013)

I don't know, there's just something a little fishy about this whole thread.


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

OP, I hope you didn't have to shell out a lot of money for this promo.

And that was really shellfish of that site to promote books with more reviews.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

HAGrant said:


> OP, I hope you didn't have to shell out a lot of money for this promo.
> 
> And that was really shellfish of that site to promote books with more reviews.


I did NOT! As a crab, my RESOURCES are limited. Ebooklister.net is free!


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

Mr. Crab, I'm so glad to hear that. Otherwise, it would have been a son of a beach.


----------



## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

I hope today's promo seas a lot of shells.


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)

HAGrant said:


> Mr. Crab, I'm so glad to hear that. Otherwise, it would have been a son of a beach.


Oh, I don't think so. You seaweed all be glad to contribute to his costs.


----------



## Stephanie Marks (Feb 16, 2015)

Best. Promo update thread. Ever.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

Upon this day's LOWERING of the TIDE, I noticed that _A Life Before Sleep_ isn't on Bargain Ebook Hunter's Facebook page. THIS DISPLEASES ME. When they made their covenant with me, they swore my book WOULD APPEAR on their FACEBOOK page. My claws THIRST for their toes. *clack clack clack*


----------



## R. M. Webb (Jul 24, 2014)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> Upon this day's LOWERING of the TIDE, I noticed that _A Life Before Sleep_ isn't on Bargain Ebook Hunter's Facebook page. THIS DISPLEASES ME. When they made their covenant with me, they swore my book WOULD APPEAR on their FACEBOOK page. My claws THIRST for their toes. *clack clack clack*


I literally laughed out loud. You rock.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

I have been informed that THE PACT WILL BE KEPT. Bargain Ebook Hunter has softened my wrath, but ASSURING me that _A Life Before Sleep_ will be on their facebook page this afternoon. If it is not, THEY WILL KNOW THE DEPTH OF MY WRATH. *clack clack clack*


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> I have been informed that THE PACT WILL BE KEPT. Bargain Ebook Hunter has softened my wrath, but ASSURING me that _A Life Before Sleep_ will be on their facebook page this afternoon. If it is not, THEY WILL KNOW THE DEPTH OF MY WRATH. *clack clack clack*


Let's celebrate your promo with a little feast. We'll bring the cocktail sauce and you bring the... oh, never mind. For us, it would just be a tasty moment... but for you, a lifetime commitment.


----------



## Robert Dahlen (Apr 27, 2014)

Stephanie Marks said:


> Best. Promo update thread. Ever.


Me, I'm surprised the mods haven't broken out the cattle prod over these puns. They'll make us walk the plankton soon...


----------



## Robert Dahlen (Apr 27, 2014)

carinasanfey said:


> Cattle prods don't work underwater.


You haven't heard of the new electric eel attachment, then?


----------



## 56139 (Jan 21, 2012)

I bought both, MIGHTY CRAB. Your words. Well, I have NO WORDS for your words. And your CLEVERNESS is unending. (Maybe you will bring me out of my reading funk.... here's hoping)


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

Robert Dahlen said:


> Me, I'm surprised the mods haven't broken out the cattle prod over these puns. They'll make us walk the plankton soon...


I'm eeling over with these puns. We probably need to scale back.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

JanneCO said:


> I bought both, MIGHTY CRAB. Your words. Well, I have NO WORDS for your words. And your CLEVERNESS is unending. (Maybe you will bring me out of my reading funk.... here's hoping)


YES, tall human! ENJOY my WORDS, then join me in the BRINY DEEPS.


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> YES, tall human! ENJOY my WORDS, then join me in the BRINY DEEPS.


OP, I see you clawed your way in with a third book. I guess you're not going to wait for Christmas and Sandy Claws.


----------



## Logan R. (May 13, 2011)

This thread brought me out of lurking. I agree with Stephanie Marks this is the best promo thread ever.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

I sold three shorts and three novels yesterday. My sell-through rate is PLEASING.

_A Life Before Sleep_ received it's FIRST RATING yesterday, too. It was five stars. I was ANGERED that it was not given EIGHT STARS--one for each of my legs. Then I remembered that humans only have two legs, so counting to FIVE must be DIFFICULT, let alone counting to EIGHT. Thinking of that made me LAUGH.


----------



## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

Best thread ever.


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)

When I want to give something five stars I get round the leg problem by counting my arms and my head as well.


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

Lydniz said:


> When I want to give something five stars I get round the leg problem by counting my arms and my head as well.


*Nods in agreement* Clever method.

OP, all this money you're making will keep you off squid row.


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)

HAGrant said:


> OP, all this money you're making will keep you off squid row.


To be honest, I'm not certain myself whether it'll bring in anemone.


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

Lydniz said:


> To be honest, I'm not certain myself whether it'll bring in anemone.


Ha ha ha, that's using your 5th arm!!


----------



## RBC (Feb 24, 2013)

CadyVance said:


> Good luck, crazy crab man! Is that a Rocking Book Cover?


I'm humbled that you recognized the cover like that!!!  Thanks a mil!

@Stephen, thanks for the honor!  This thread made my day!


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

Lydniz said:


> When I want to give something five stars I get round the leg problem by counting my arms and my head as well.


CLEVER, human. VERY clever. But, can you count to six?


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> CLEVER, human. VERY clever. But, can you count to six?


I could if I were a man.


----------



## Robert Dahlen (Apr 27, 2014)

Lydniz said:


> I could if I were a man.


Or if you looked down...but I'd really better stop.


----------



## MyraScott (Jul 18, 2014)

Lydniz said:


> I could if I were a man.


*snort*


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

Watch out or he won't come out of his shell. 

Crab fact: Male crabs grow one larger claw. That's to impress female crabs and write books.
http://www.foodieknowledge.com/fun-crab-facts-and-jokes/2010/08/05/ (ignore the website name)

OP, good luck with your promo this week....


----------



## Eric T Knight (Feb 23, 2015)

Awesome thread! My only regret is that I showed up too late and all the good puns were taken! Dang it, I must have something here. Think, Eric, think. Something about this crab feeling the pinch of his financial difficulties. (Crap. Is that the best you got?)

Best of luck my seafood friend!


----------



## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

RBC said:


> I'm humbled that you recognized the cover like that!!!  Thanks a mil!


I've looked through your covers several times, and that one always jumped out at me.


----------



## RBC (Feb 24, 2013)

CadyVance said:


> I've looked through your covers several times, and that one always jumped out at me.


Just one? D 

Wonder how is the promotion going on today. Hope book is doing well!


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

EXCELLENT NEWS, HUMANS. While I FEASTED upon burritos tonight, _A Life Before Sleep_ broke into the TOP 100 in THREE CATEGORIES. I am PLEASED by this.


----------



## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

lol, Stephen. You are a master at this. Enjoyed giving your blurb a wedgie, but this a whole new level. Dips shrimp into crab sauce and has a bite.


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

Good news, Crab. We were worried you might have to go to the prawn broker, but it looks like you're doing swell.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

My sell-through rate DROPPED back down to EARTH yesterday. I foresaw this.


----------



## R. M. Webb (Jul 24, 2014)

Lydniz said:


> I could if I were a man.


The coffee! In my nose! It burns!


----------



## HN Wake (Feb 24, 2015)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> My sell-through rate DROPPED back down to EARTH yesterday. I foresaw this.


But your Kboard thread is staying high. Best. Promo. Thread. Ever.


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> My sell-through rate DROPPED back down to EARTH yesterday. I foresaw this.


Crab, I think you need your own book. You need to have a talk with that human who types other stuff.


----------



## RBC (Feb 24, 2013)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> My sell-through rate DROPPED back down to EARTH yesterday. I foresaw this.


And it's back up again! 3 Top 100 ranks again!


----------



## D-C (Jan 13, 2014)

HAGrant said:


> Crab, I think you need your own book. You need to have a talk with that human who types other stuff.


I suspect Crab ate the human.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

I made not a SINGLE SALE yesterday. This setback is... displeasing.


----------



## Northern pen (Mar 3, 2015)

Best crab thread ever. puntastic...

I just hope it has legs


----------



## SunshineOnMe (Jan 11, 2014)

R. M. Webb said:


> The coffee! In my nose! It burns!


LOL so does the wine!


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

Today marks the CONCLUSION of my promo for _A Life Before Sleep_. Overall, I am PLEASED with the results. I broke the glass wall that exists between MAN AND CRAB by making the Top 100 in SEVERAL categories. I did not sell enough to cover the costs of editing, a cover, and the promotions themselves. HOWEVER, that lines up with MY EXPECTATIONS.

I will continue to publish shorts, if simply to have something new out every TWO MONTHS. With my LIMITED back catalog, they also serve as a nice, inexpensive lead-in to my longer works. Another benefit of side-stories like this is that I am able to PROMOTE them with ABANDON. Since there are no direct sequels to a short like _A Life Before Sleep_, and the stories are self-contained, ANYONE CAN READ THEM in any order AT ANY TIME. There is MINIMAL investment in time and money for readers. Of course, if you, DEAR READER, are looking for something more involved, there are always the NOVELS IN THE SAME SETTING.

With a total of 21 short sales, and 5 novel sales, I am PLEASED with my sell through rate of 23%. I've also sold two shorts today, with NO ADVERTISEMENTS YES YOU'VE FALLEN INTO MY NET, HUMANS.

My plans for the FUTURE, if you must know: I've applied to have _A Life Before Sleep_ put into Amazon's Kindle Singles. We SHALL SEE how that plays out. I have one last promotion with BettyBookFreak (a good friend to prawns and crabs alike) on Thursday. After that, _A Life Before Sleep_ goes to $2.99. There is LIKELY to be ANOTHER discount on this short when _A Conduit for Man: Mindshare Book 2_ emerges FROM THE DEEPS on April 20th.


----------



## Lydniz (May 2, 2013)

Good luck with the plan, Your Crabness.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

carinasanfey said:


> Do you keep accidentally toggling the caps lock because it's awkward to type with claws?


SiLENce!


----------



## Salvador Mercer (Jan 1, 2015)

If you write as well as you post you should be just fine...


----------



## RBC (Feb 24, 2013)

I'm reading through the short, haven't finished yet but I see that at the end the call to action for email subscription is kind of weak. And is 2nd thing after pitching next book. I'd funnel them into email list and then keep them updated on every new short story coming out. That long-term might be better pay off. Esp. with ability to sell longer stuff to them too. 

Enjoying the story so far! Looks like promo went well enough too. You will recoup money for it in future!


----------



## HAGrant (Jul 17, 2011)

M Stephen Stewart said:


> Today marks the CONCLUSION of my promo for _A Life Before Sleep_. Overall, I am PLEASED with the results. I broke the glass wall that exists between MAN AND CRAB by making the Top 100 in SEVERAL categories. I did not sell enough to cover the costs of editing, a cover, and the promotions themselves. HOWEVER, that lines up with MY EXPECTATIONS.


Crab, look at it this way... promos may come and promos may go... but you will always have the freaking Crab Nebula.


----------



## Stewart Matthews (Nov 21, 2014)

RBC said:


> I'm reading through the short, haven't finished yet but I see that at the end the call to action for email subscription is kind of weak. And is 2nd thing after pitching next book. I'd funnel them into email list and then keep them updated on every new short story coming out. That long-term might be better pay off. Esp. with ability to sell longer stuff to them too.
> 
> Enjoying the story so far! Looks like promo went well enough too. You will recoup money for it in future!


YES. My CTA is the first thing I'm re-writing after I've finished revisions on _A Conduit for Man_. My good friend, Chris Fox, showed me the TRUE POWER of a strong call to action.


----------

