# Right. So. I don't want to sound cheap... (Valentine's Day grumblings)



## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

But of course since the thread title says I don't want to sound cheap, I will sound extremely cheap.

I just realized it is Valentine's Day (don't ask, I do NOT pay attention to days other than my wife's birthday, and if I had my way, we wouldn't celebrate any holidays, which sounds like I'm the year-round grinch, which is partially true, but this run-on sentence is getting annoying).

*gasp*

What a terrible husband I am. Except this year I decided I'd surprise the wife for the first time in twelve years by getting her flowers. This would be the SECOND time in twelve years I've given her flowers (the other wasn't V-day, and was maybe six or seven years ago).

Until I started looking at the prices of flowers / florists. WTF? I can go steal a dozen roses from my neighbor's yard and save $125. Okay, I can go steal a dozen from my neighbors heated, organic greenhouse, and spend $600+ on legal fees and bail money after getting arrested, but you know what I mean.

Now, I suppose it is all about WHERE you shop for flowers, and as i just told you, I never shop for flowers. I might have picked the three most expensive florists in Boise, ID for all I know. Since I'm not a flower-y dude, I gave up after three price checks at three different florists because they all wanted $100+ for some flowers that are going to die in a couple of days.

OMG Travis you are the worst husband! (wait, it gets even more deliciously painful because I truly AM the worst husband alive. Thank your lucky stars, both men and women, that I'm not available to ruin your lives)

Keep in mind I used to be the guy who would buy the wife uh... things... for holidays. Like I got her a video card for her computer one year. She got to play World of Warcraft and Diablo II, but I kind of got to play with myself (sorry, couldn't resist) for getting her a gift that seemed more about me getting use out of it (either by using her computer to play video games, or giving her a good enough video card to play video games to get her out of my hair).

THAT DOES IT! I'm calling your wife right now and telling her what a %#@$#@ you are!

(PS I'll give you ten dollars if you do this. I've tried to get her to agree to a divorce for eleven straight years, but she's under the impression that a divorce is yet another terrible gift idea, just like a video card for her computer, and you ratting me out for making threads like this might finally be the last straw! O Dreamer Am I!)

Right. Then there was the time I took her out to eat for Valentine's Day, and didn't even get her a card. And instead of going somewhere nice, we ended up eating at one of the few remaining Dine-In Pizza Huts. I can feel you ladies cringing. It's a good feeling. Not for you, but for me. I eat uncomfortable silence and painful awkwardness for LUNCH!

And then there was the V-Day that I took her to a restaurant that you can draw on the tablecloth things:




























(the last pic is just to prove to you that she's as nutty as I am, and twice as dangerous!)

For Valentine's Day another year, I basically gave her a rant as to why I didn't buy her flowers, and probably never would. I mean, is the mafia in control of this racket? Grow flowers, charge mobster interest rates to customers, profit?? I grow flowers in my yard. They don't cost me $100 for a dozen of them. And my flowers live for months, not four days then start dropping crap all over the counters. What kind of message am I sending, giving her a gift that will die soon? It's like giving her a Hallmark card that has a picture of a happy, loving couple on the front, then when you open it, the wife is in a coffin and the words are "FOUR DAYS LATER I'LL BE RID OF YOU!" and then a hand-written 'PS - enjoy the flowers! Happy Valentine's Day!' below that.

Hah. I just heard three of you reading this keel over in anger. Be careful. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to marriage. Uh, I mean the dark side. Which is marriage. There's no light side to it. The only light side is the tunnel of light you see when you die and get to escape marriage. Also, never buy a home. Spouses and houses are the two worst investments anyone can make. But if you are forced to choose one, choose a house. You can at least burn a house down and get insurance money (or a shorter prison sentence than if you burned your spouse down). Come to think of it, I might be able to get a double-play treat! Insurance from burning the house down, and more insurance from the wife's life insurance policy if I burn it down with her in it!

Now, before you think I'm being too morbid, remember that she sleeps with a fully-gassed chainsaw and a gimp mask next to her side of the bed. She's always having me sign papers that look like they might be insurance policies, but she's always got the top half of them covered so I can't actually see what I'm signing. And before you say anything, you better remember that when a chainsaw is buzzing near your head and your insane wife is wearing the crazy gimp mask with X's for eyeholes, you will sign pretty much anything. And if you won't, you'll sign it with the remaining hand after she warns you once with the chainsaw.

Ahhhh, now that I've thoroughly dug myself a hole that will probably get me a few hate messages (bring it! And bring your A-game, I don't play with weaksauce chumps. I'm an A-leaguer. And I never stfu, so you best be prepared to have me smacktalk you the entire time), I guess I should ask for opinions on what exactly do you buy a spouse that you refuse to buy flowers for?

And just in case you truly think I'm the worst husband on the planet... okay, I am, but that's beside the point. This is what I have to live with:

This is from my "NINER" page, which used to be an ongoing bit I wrote back in my tech days. If you want to know how two people can stay married (okay, together, we've only been legally married for half of our twelve years together), I'd say it all boils down to a sense of humor. Of which I have enough for both of us. Unless she reads this. Then she'll be laughing while doing terrible things to me, like forcing me to watch True Life or 16 & Pregnant or Dancing with the Stars or whatever other unwatchable things she somehow is able to sit through without kicking the television so hard it not only goes through the wall, but ends up in another dimension where it goes critical mass and collapses the universe.

Yes, these television shows make me this angry. I'm not allowed to kick televisions anymore. Okay, I'm allowed to kick them, but not hard enough to collapse the universe.

And one final PS before the quote: her 'online' name has been 'Momma' (you have to say it like Elvis... fat Elvis too, not skinny Elvis) from the day we met (online, as a matter of fact, in one of those gross Yahoo Romance chat rooms... ugh). It's always a bit funny that some people believe she might actually be my mother (she does mother me when I demand brownies or cookies, though I pay the price by ingesting just a little more arsenic than she normally gives me on a daily basis). Anyway...



> Niner v3 - All New!
> 
> here's a clip from today's show:
> 
> ...


*HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! TREAT YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT! YOU MIGHT NOT BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND ANYONE ELSE IN THE GALAXY TO LIKE YOU ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH YOU!*

*(Unless you have a lot of money)*

*(But money will only quicken your demise, which is why I've decided to stay poor by being a writer and making her support me!)*

(man, I hope she doesn't know about this forum, and if she does, I hope she can't get to it from work!)


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

Check her Amazon wish list. Check her browser history, see what she looks at.

NO computer parts, NOTHING for YOU, She will take care of you.


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

BTackitt said:


> Check her Amazon wish list. Check her browser history, see what she looks at.
> 
> NO computer parts, NOTHING for YOU, She will take care of you.


I'm worried. This was in her browser history...

http://www.amazon.com/Gerber-31-000758-Gator-Machete-Sheath/dp/B004A1IXRC

and

http://www.amazon.com/IIT-48784-Super-Strong-Nylon/dp/B005IGEJNK

but the two most worrisome items were
http://www.amazon.com/SKOLNIK-Carbon-Steel-gallons-1-2mm/dp/B006P5RR8C/ref=pd_sim_sbs_lg_2
and
http://www.amazon.com/SUNNYSIDE-CORPORATION-710G1-1-Gallon-Muriatic/dp/B00BD7HDTU

No offense, BT, but your idea was terrible. I'm more frightened now than I was before I wrote this.


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## Matt Ryan (Nov 16, 2012)

Just find a flaw in her body and get her a present that will help her fix it. Anything from hair products to thigh-master video's. She'll really appreciate that you care about her making herself into better person for you. 

Oh, and just go to thrift stores. Don't be buying nothing new. Keep the gift in the thrift store bag just so she knows that you weren't wasting too much money on her.


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

Matt Ryan said:


> Just find a flaw in her body and get her a present that will help her fix it. Anything from hair products to thigh-master video's. She'll really appreciate that you care about her making herself into better person for you.
> 
> Oh, and just go to thrift stores. Don't be buying nothing new. Keep the gift in the thrift store bag just so she knows that you weren't wasting too much money on her.


Sorry all my other SUPERBESTFRIENDS. Matt Ryan is now my new SUPERBESTFRIEND.

I like your advice. We'll get along great. My wife will hate you, but that's like music to my ears!


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

You're a writer, right? So Write HER something:

Roses are red
Violets are  . . . well, violet.
You're my wife.
I like . . . . . . wait . . . thinking . . . . Got IT!
I like pie a lot!


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## cinisajoy (Mar 10, 2013)

You could buy groceries for her.  More important is does she care about getting a gift today?  Oh and I should have several dozen roses next month.  Just have to wait on nature.  

I know I don't want flowers and chocolate candies would just go to waist.  I told my husband if he had to give me a gift, I will always take an amazon gift card.

Though he did restock my jelly belly's on Tuesday.  .  

Seriously though, I know today is "love" day but be sure and tell her that you love her everyday.
Works wonders.   
Ladies same idea even when you want to strangle him.


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## Desmond X. Torres (Mar 16, 2013)

I can't stop laughing!


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## NogDog (May 1, 2009)

Ah, yes, Valentine's Day: the "In your face, singles!" day.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

NogDog said:


> Ah, yes, Valentine's Day: the "In your face, singles!" day.


Frankly, though I am married, this is one of the reasons I don't really get into it. It takes otherwise rational adults back to grade school where you had to give EVERYONE a valentine -- even the bully who picked on you mercilessly -- or else no one. At least, that was the rule, but there were always a few of us who some people 'forgot'.  OR, yes, everyone got one, but some people got 'real' cards when everyone else got the stupid 3¢ ones. Yeah, that's all very fair.  Either way, what's the point?

I say: if you've got someone you're with and it's good, you shouldn't wait until the middle of February to tell them.

eta: Groceries is a BAD idea -- implies he wants her to cook for him.


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

Ann in Arlington said:


> You're a writer, right?


Right. Let me stop you right there. Just because one publishes stories does not make one a writer. I am living proof. 

On a more positive side note (depending on your view of 'positive'), I've _accidentally_ link this thread on my Facebook page. We just had a 12 hour standoff three streets over that had SWAT teams and US Marshals, but they hopefully are still all amped up and have their gear and dogs and tear gas ready. If you see me on the news, don't mourn for me. Be thankful I didn't have to celebrate the entire Valentine's Day!

(On a serious note, I love her because she doesn't care about any holidays except Thanksgiving and Xmas, and only because she gets to spend two days each holiday cooking every possible food one could eat, and her birthday, but since she hit 30, she doesn't care about that day anymore either. She hates jewelry (I know, right?), clothes, shoes, makeup, hairdos, etc. It's like I married clone of me but with female parts!)

I'll come up with something good. The point of this whole stupid post was my way of saying after twelve years of togetherness (*cough* no escape! *cough*), I am actually going to do something nice for her other than buy her computer parts. Or guitar stuff. Or hockey gear. Or yard/garden stuff. Or a subscription to a science fiction magazine. Maybe. I might forget all of this when I wake up.

Ann... why you have to remind me of the terror-filled days of elementary school and those homemade V-day boxes we all made Worst memories of my school life. All of the girls wiped their noses on the cards they gave me, and all of the boys drew vulgar cartoons on the cards they gave me. Then the girls would beat me up at recess and take all of my candy. =(


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Well . . . guitar stuff would be o.k. for me . . . . but I'm guessing it's your guitar. 

You should totally just make this thread her home page on her computer.


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## ElHawk (Aug 13, 2012)

My husband and I give each other joke gifts for Valentine's Day. I think it's a dumb non-holiday and I object to the idea that there should be a designated day for proving that you love somebody with a high-stakes, high-pressure "romantic" gift. I think we should strive to tell the people we love that we love them all the time, not just when the greeting-card industry decides it needs to maximize its first-quarter profits.

I know, I sound exactly like every other stale "I hate Valentine's Day" ranter in the history of mankind.

Last year I gave him a card and he gave me a bottle of Boone's Farm strawberry wine.  This year I gave him a card and he gave me a can of Four Loko and some Ding-Dongs. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Proof of our romance:


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

I'd rather have cherry coke zero and hohos, but that's basically a really good present.


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## cinisajoy (Mar 10, 2013)

Ann in Arlington said:


> Frankly, though I am married, this is one of the reasons I don't really get into it. It takes otherwise rational adults back to grade school where you had to give EVERYONE a valentine -- even the bully who picked on you mercilessly -- or else no one. At least, that was the rule, but there were always a few of us who some people 'forgot'.  OR, yes, everyone got one, but some people got 'real' cards when everyone else got the stupid 3¢ ones. Yeah, that's all very fair.  Either way, what's the point?
> 
> I say: if you've got someone you're with and it's good, you shouldn't wait until the middle of February to tell them.
> 
> eta: Groceries is a BAD idea -- implies he wants her to cook for him.


Now groceries could signify I want to take care of you but more likely because there is a good sale. Yea we bought groceries this week but it had nothing to do with Valentines Day unless someone asks my husband what he got me.


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

I've been looking at printable shrink paper (shrinky dinks for your printer) for a week, DH told me to go ahead and get the 50 pack last night. That was my Valentine. We separated my birthday from today by celebrating it last week in Las Vegas before our DS#2's birthday.


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

See, if I tell you how much Carly loves to cook, and that her most favoritist presents are based around cooking (if you try to take her Sunbeam mixer away, she will show you just how sharp the teeth on her chainsaw truly are), then everyone thinks she's some meek woman who gets shoved into the kitchen by me and has to deal with all the sandwich jokes.

Speaking of, last time I jokingly told her to get in the kitchen and make me a sammich, she did. Luckily the hospital was able to pump my stomach before the acid completely ruined my finger, though the surgeon did tell me that the amount of tears I cried while being forced to eat my own Peanut Butter & Finger sandwich is probably what coated and protected the finger and allowed it to eventually be re-attached.

Moral of this story is I'm more than frightened about how this story would have ended up if I hadn't been *joking* about her making me a sammich. I figure I'd be substituting 'leg from the ankle to the upper thigh' which is kind of like those Texas steakhouses that give you the meal for free if you can jam 72oz of ribeye into your guts in an hour. And now I'm hungry.

Secondary moral of the story is come up with good, plausible story about how your Kboards account (and Facebook since I stupidly linked to this post from there) got hacked and some crazy man who hates you is doing everything possible to get you into trouble.

"Finger steaks" takes on a terrible new meaning, so your story better be better than good. It better be BETTER. (Just cry a lot if you are forced to ingest your own body parts. It helps.)


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## Andra (Nov 19, 2008)

If you are totally set on getting some flowers for you wife AT SOME POINT, just pick an ordinary day.  You will be amazed at the price differences.  I used to work for a florist and Valentine's Day made all of the prices skyrocket.  It was totally insane.


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## Eva Lefoy (Jan 25, 2014)

I just snooped at the bank balance and hubby got me a bottle of wine from my fav winery. Cost? Less than $15

Way funner than flowers!

Sent from my LG-VM701 using Tapatalk 2


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