# your best marriage advice



## Christopher Bunn (Oct 26, 2010)

If you were only allowed to offer one piece of marital advice to a couple about to get married, what would you say?

I've only been married for ten years, so I haven't learned much yet, but I think I'd say, "be willing to be wrong."


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## NogDog (May 1, 2009)

Don't do it.


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## Christopher Bunn (Oct 26, 2010)

NogDog said:


> Don't do it.


Actually, I think that's good advice in a certain way. If you can be talked out of getting married, then I suppose you shouldn't get married.


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## Mandy (Dec 27, 2009)

The best thing my husband and I have done for our marriage is to learn to not go to bed mad at each other. It has made our relationship so much healthier by not dwelling on the arguments we have. We'll be celebrating our 18th anniversary in October.


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## Gertie Kindle (Nov 6, 2008)

Marriage is so, when you fall out of love, you stay together until you fall back in love again. - Reader's Digest.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Mandy said:


> The best thing my husband and I have done for our marriage is to learn to not go to bed mad at each other. It has made our relationship so much healthier by not dwelling on the arguments we have. We'll be celebrating our 18th anniversary in October.


I was just about to type this and then I saw your post. That would be my advice. Stay awake and hash things out but don't go to bed mad. It makes a difference.

I also think sleeping together in the same bed is important. My 36th anniversary is in just a few weeks (June 2nd) and we still cuddle together every night.

L


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

NogDog said:


> Don't do it.


Some people like being married and I am one of those people. So I guess the advice would be to figure out if you are the marrying kind or not, and make decisions accordingly.

L


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## NogDog (May 1, 2009)

Wish I could tell you the formula my parents used -- all I know is they appeared to be as deeply in love after 50 years as they were after 50 days of marriage. My suspicion is that they liked each other every bit as much as they loved each other. In other words, they were best friends, not just lovers, if that makes any sense?


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## Meemo (Oct 27, 2008)

And see, I would say go ahead and go to bed mad if you need to. Sometimes you need some sleep to gain perspective. If you're staying up late to hash things out (because conventional wisdom says you should) and you're really tired, you may end up saying things you regret later. Married 40 years, happily, and we've gone to bed angry plenty of times. 

But that's just me being argumentative.    It's hard for me to come up with just one piece of advice though - probably the best would be to marry mindfully, and then always remember why you married that person.


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## Mollyb52 (Jan 4, 2009)

We have been married 43 years.  We were young...18 and 24.  You have to accept that marriage has its ups and downs.  If you love each other and both determine to make your marriage work it will.  Sometimes the down times seem like they will never pass...but with love and patience they will.  So I guess I would say if you BOTH want to be married and spend your lives together you can.  If one or both of you don't want to be married or work at being married, it will fail.  Love grows where it is tended.  It never hurts to chase each other around and be naughty even when you aren't kids anymore.


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## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

NogDog said:


> Wish I could tell you the formula my parents used -- all I know is they appeared to be as deeply in love after 50 years as they were after 50 days of marriage. My suspicion is that they liked each other every bit as much as they loved each other. In other words, they were best friends, not just lovers, if that makes any sense?


It makes sense to me. I married my best friend 41 years ago and we are still happily married today.


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## CecilyKane (Mar 4, 2014)

Separate bathroom sinks.


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## geoffthomas (Feb 27, 2009)

One piece of advice.......always think about what would make your spouse happy.  Been married for 50 years.


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## Andra (Nov 19, 2008)

We had our 20th anniversary last year and the biggest thing we have discovered is that you need to learn to listen to each other - REALLY listen.  Don't be planning your rebuttal or next argument while the other person is speaking.  Pay attention and then think about what you want to say.


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## Nancy Beck (Jul 1, 2011)

Listen. I mean, really listen, not in a half-arsed way.


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## Lisa Scott (Apr 4, 2011)

Pick your battles. Ask yourself if something is really worth fighting about.


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## Atunah (Nov 20, 2008)

CecilyKane said:


> Separate bathroom sinks.


YES YES YES. 
We have been looking for a house for 2 years and the absolute must is, 2 sinks.

I don't think I have much of an advise. I just take it day by day. But letting each other have the "cave". Each partner should be able to have a hobby, even if its not shared and a corner somewhere where they can stash their stuff.

And, don't "mother" or "father" each other. Respect each others weirdness.

And most of all, get a cat.


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## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

Atunah said:


> ...
> And most of all, get a cat.


We have rarely been without at least one cat in the house. Maybe that has been the secret of our happy marriage.


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## crebel (Jan 15, 2009)

One piece of advice my dad (a pastor) gave the 100s of couples he married through the years was to always try to "out-love" their spouse.  You know, like when a child says, "I love you." and you respond, "I love you more!"

It has worked for us for almost 36 years.


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## balaspa (Dec 27, 2009)

To the groom.

Two things:

1. You had better learn to read minds, because that's the only way you'll really know what you're supposed to be doing.
2. You will never, ever, ever, no matter how hard you try, be right about anything again. Get used to it.


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## Andra (Nov 19, 2008)

balaspa said:


> To the groom.
> 
> Two things:
> 
> ...


HOWEVER, we have learned that ESP is not a reliable form of communication. When it works, it's great. But sometimes you must use your words.


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## NogDog (May 1, 2009)

Lisa Scott said:


> Pick your battles. Ask yourself if something is really worth fighting about.


To quote Craig Ferguson's three rules both for marriage and for using the interwebs, before saying/posting anything, first answer all three of these with a yes:

1. Does this need to be said?

2. Does this need to be said by me?

3. Does this need to be said by me right now?


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## CecilyKane (Mar 4, 2014)

Atunah said:


> YES YES YES.
> We have been looking for a house for 2 years and the absolute must is, 2 sinks.


I know, right? Respecting each other's boundaries, showing appreciation, and being kind all rests on the foundation of a lady not having to brush her teeth or wash her face in an area that makes the most polluted part of the Ganges look favorable by comparison. Just sayin'.


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## Meb Bryant (Jun 27, 2011)

Best piece of advice? 

Fall in lust with your best friend.

Worked for us...45 years in September and no affairs, so far.


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## drenfrow (Jan 27, 2010)

For sheer day-to-day living, I'm going to have to go with: 

1) the ability to record one TV show while watching another, and

2) cordless headphones

In the grand scheme of things, truly being best friends is a must.


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## Christopher Bunn (Oct 26, 2010)

Some good advice here. I think another thing is that you need to learn how to fight properly. Still trying to learn that one.


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## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

Christopher Bunn said:


> Some good advice here. I think another thing is that you need to learn how to fight properly. Still trying to learn that one.


Do you mean it is important to learn how to disagree or have an argument without getting angry? If so, then I agree that it is important to be able to have disagreements that are resolved where both are satisfied, even if it is with an agreement to disagree.

I associate the word "fight" with violence or a situation where there is a winner and a loser. Neither of those fit my concept of marriage.


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

If you asked just about everyone who has ever met me, they'll tell you this is the first piece of advice I ever give (always with my wife standing at my side, holding my hand haha):

1. Never get married
2. Never buy a house

Some people ask "what about '3. Never have kids'?" and I say to that... that's common sense and I don't even have to mention it. My wife smiles and nods her head at all three, and if asked about it, she tells them it was the biggest mistake she ever made, look at the dude's hand she's holding that has a matching wedding ring on it...

Right. So. Real advice:

1. Never say/do anything that can't be taken back.

It's not so great to tell your spouse he or she did something stupid, but you know, sometimes they do really stupid things. However, we live by the rule of never *labeling* each other as stupid. Or anything that begins to erode the mutual respect and love (and BFF stuff) that we've built over thirteen years. This also includes no smoking crack / meth, no cheating (physically or emotionally), no murdering the other (common sense), etc.

2. Never go to bed angry.

Communication is the key. If we haven't broken #1, then it requires communication at some point to avoid #2. She likes to work things out right away, while sometimes I'm much too angry and need a couple of hours of working in the garden or playing hockey or roughing up aliens in my video games or stories and I need to burn out that anger so I never break rule #1.

Sure, it might sound like I'm a raging asshole, but I think there's been one major argument in thirteen years, and it was during the extremely stressful period when we were buying our first house. Other than that, the only other time I've ever been truly angry at her is when she accidentally kicked my brand new guitar off its stand and pretty much ruined it (it never went back into tune properly for more than 30 seconds of playing, even after spending around $500 to have it worked on three different times).

That time... I was so mad I couldn't say anything so I picked up an empty plastic grocery bag from the floor and threw it as hard as I could at her (she was like 15' away at the other end of the big room). The bag flew approximately 3.42" after leaving my hand and fluttered to the ground. Which caused her to burst out laughing, which only made me more rage-y so I just wandered out of the house and went for a walk for about two hours. I KNEW she didn't kick it over on purpose (she's pretty awkward heh), and so I just released some anger in a way that I knew wouldn't actually harm either of us (seriously, even if that plastic bag had been rolled up into a ball, it might have gone about 4' before dropping to the floor).

We laughed a lot about it when I came home, and we've laughed about it a lot since then (it's a "marriage" story we tell to make other couples sick of us).

I grew up in an extremely abusive home, and I spent a lot of my life with anger/rage issues. I have weird quirks because of what I lived through (people talking louder than average conversational volume makes me extremely nervous still, and if you wake me up, you have to do it without touching me as I've come awake swinging too many times to remember). She understands this, and because she's only seen glimpses of it over thirteen years, she knows I'm doing everything I can to not be the old me. When I need some time to unwind or unload something that has set me off, she avoids me (but not out of fear, just out of my need to release it all and I never want her to be the closest object/person/focus).

I guess I make it sound like I'm a terrible person, and I probably am, but the one thing I'm not is an asshole to my wife. She's never the one that gets me wound up. The reason I don't rant or rage or throw things or punch holes in the wall anymore, and haven't for thirteen years, is that I decided when we met that I never wanted to do anything that would drive her away. I knew only I could change my mindset, my behavior, my emotional patterns. It's been a hard, hard thirteen years, sometimes it seems a lot harder than the previous twenty-seven. Back then it was easy to be an asshole because I could find someone else to be with pretty easily, and as a fairly emotionally detached personality at the time, burning bridges meant nothing, whether with friends or with lovers.

Right. I guess my point is... once you start being annoyed by the little things, find yourself sniping at your other half, not defusing arguments properly before they turn into REAL arguments... it's a bad sign. Sometimes you have to give in and admit you're wrong. Sometimes you have to give in and admit you're wrong even when you're 100000% sure you are absolutely, totally, completely correct. Sometimes you have to take one for the team. Sometimes you have to do a lot of stuff that you don't want to do, or don't like to do, or wish you were dead instead of doing (watching sappy chick romance comedies, or worse, reality TV about screaming harpies in Jersey or NYC or LA or Atlanta or that cheerlead for the Cowboys or that are famous for being famous or... hrmmm.... you get the point).

Okay. Anyway. Pride is a killer of relationships. So is anger. And disappointment. And resentment. I love my imperfect wife so much that I don't feel any of these things. Okay, well, I actually feel ALL of those things when she won't let me buy a ninja sword from those knife show guys on TV. Or a vacuum sealer thing with the bags (she claims I'll seal up everything in the house, including the cats). I can't have a rocketbike. My own porn company. A bag of grenades (seriously why not? we still argue about this one sometimes as well). A 10' guard tower in our back yard with a .50cal mounted machine gun (we have a bad gopher problem, and there's a golf course about 1/2 mile away I bet I could take care of some first-world problems with as well). Cybernetic eyes (she claims no such things exist, but Shady Bob's House of Implants and Cyberware has the stuff right on their website). A WW2 tank. Even without the gun(s).

You know... come to think of it... I hate my life. I never get to have any fun. Which means I am 10000% correct about #1:

1. Never get married

#2... I don't want to drone on about what a stupid idea this is, so just assume since I know what I'm talking about for #1, that I'm an expert at #2 as well.


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

PS: here's some more semi-serious advice that I forgot. Important stuff...

Finding a partner who laughs at your stupid jokes, your farts, your other weird noises, etc., is of course, extremely important.

But not nearly as important as finding a partner who will groom the frightening, weird, crookedly-bent, mostly disgusting giant black hairs that grow out of your ears when you become an old man. I'm 40, and according to my better half, my ears are like overgrown weed patches, which is really, really terrible to hear. I'm not vain, but I am kind of creeped out by weird hair that starts growing in weird places. Or just weird hair that starts growing in places that has always had hair, but you know, not a 4" giant black snake hair that has somehow curled itself into a coil inside your ear canal and you can hear it 'pop' audibly when she plucks it out by the roots. GROSS!!!

(also... men, TRIM YOUR %#@$#@ NOSE HAIR. Super GROSS. If I (and especially potential suitors) can't tell where your nose hair ends and your mustache begins other than there's a booger or four hanging out from one/some/all of them, then you might have found why you're lonely and single. Trust me when I say women notice these things. I don't know if men do, but if they're proper men with good hygiene and grooming habits, they'll freak out when they see your shaggy ear hair as well).

This.... is true love (you can't see her "pro" tweezers, but trust me, she's an expert at it):










(excuse the freakish beard I can't really grow properly... it's the Stanley Cup Playoffs for pro hockey, and tradition / superstition states that men (and women!) may not shave their facial hair until their team is either sent home early, or wins the Stanley Cup. I'm going bonkers with this scrub on my face after more than a month, and because my team is the Blackhawks, defending champs and looking to repeat, I have another month or so before I can shave. KILL ME PLEASE!).


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## Atunah (Nov 20, 2008)

You win Travis


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## AngryGames (Jul 28, 2013)

Atunah said:


> You win Travis


No, I got married. There's no "winning" at that game =(


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## CecilyKane (Mar 4, 2014)

To follow in the footsteps of Travis and elaborate on my previous post:

That weird, gross hair? WASH IT DOWN THE DRAIN. Clean it up. Make it go away. Because a lady deserves a space to wash up in that isn't covered in an amalgam of gross dude hair, soap scum, and the Ebola virus.


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## Broadus (Nov 29, 2010)

Love is shown through sacrifice.


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## Daniel Dennis (Mar 3, 2014)

Best two pieces of advice: 1) communicate. This doesn't means knowing your significant other and how he/she will "hear" what you say. And 2) Don't try to change your spouse. If you didn't know something going in or aren't willing yo accept something you do know, don't get married. Trying to change your spouse is only going to cause conflict. Let your spouse evolve naturally over time. Forcing it only causes problems and in the end the change either isn't real (it comes with resentment) or it doesn't come at all (your met with incredible resistance).

Sent from the back of a white CIA van using Tapatalk. Please help!


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## Kay Bratt (Dec 28, 2011)

I've been married for 20 years now! Actually, just last weekend I told my husband that he has to live until he is 82 so that we can have a 50th wedding anniversary, but no pressure...

I am blessed to have a very happy marriage and can't imagine my life without the man I love by my side. The most helpful piece of advice I can give is to always be your spouse's biggest advocate-coach-cheerleader. Never speak poorly of them to anyone else and never let anyone else speak poorly of them. If you have relationship troubles, (and we all will at some point) keep it private. Don't air your grievances about your spouse to anyone else, even your sister or your mother, just work it out with him/her!


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## Broadus (Nov 29, 2010)

KayBratt said:


> I've been married for 20 years now! Actually, just last weekend I told my husband that he has to live until he is 82 so that we can have a 50th wedding anniversary, but no pressure...
> 
> I am blessed to have a very happy marriage and can't imagine my life without the man I love by my side. The most helpful piece of advice I can give is to always be your spouse's biggest advocate-coach-cheerleader. Never speak poorly of them to anyone else and never let anyone else speak poorly of them. If you have relationship troubles, (and we all will at some point) keep it private. Don't air your grievances about your spouse to anyone else, even your sister or your mother, just work it out with him/her!


Well said!


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