# Not for Twilight fans



## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

OMG, this is the funniest thing I've ever read. EVER. It is probably so inappropriate (it took 8 times to get that one, y'all) to even think about posting it here. But I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to track this guy down and see if he's married.

In the interest of full disclosure: Yes, I read all 4 twilight books even though at *34* I'm twice the age of the target market. Yes, I liked them all. No, I did not read the comments that followed the Cliff Notes. Yes, I lifted this straight off the Amazon board. Yes, in fact, I do have other things to do today.

http://www.amazon.com/Eclipse-CliffsNotes-Version-Satire-LOLZ/forum/Fx1GAA6GYWX8459/Tx35UARA5M2JS2K/1/ref=cm_cd_ef_tft_tp?%5Fencoding=UTF8&asin=031606792X


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## nickih75 (Dec 17, 2008)

I too am about 2x the target age for the Twilight Saga.. but enjoyed the books.. That was hysterical!!  Thanks for sharing Robin


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## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

You're welcome!  

Love your pic.  I got my brother the Talking Achmed for his birthday.  He doesn't know they exist yet.  I can't wait til April!


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## nickih75 (Dec 17, 2008)

LOL thanks I got that on LOLcats site.. clearly in the dog section.. it reminded me of our Yorkie.. 

I love Jeff Dunham!  He's great and almost kid friendly


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## Guest (Jan 20, 2009)

I'm about 3 or 4 times the target age and male.  I couldn't get past the first book.  I gave it to a waitress at the Huddle House.


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## kindlevixen (Jan 13, 2009)

thats hilarious.... and I read through all 4 of them pretty quickly... loved the first ones, like the rest.  But that summary is great!


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## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

I wish he had done a summary for Breaking Dawn, but he said he just couldn't do it.  He also said he couldn't think of anything to say that was, in his opinion, worse than the book.  But i do wish he would try.


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Vampyre said:


> I'm about 3 or 4 times the target age and male. I couldn't get past the first book. I gave it to a waitress at the Huddle House.


I am about the same age and also male, I really like 1 and 3, almost gave up on 2 and thought 4 was OK.


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## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

*And here's the one for New Moon. Couldn't find the link, but I liked them so much that I kept them. It's not copyright infringement if I state the Author was Amazon.com user Obisdian, and the characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer, right?*
New Moon CliffsNotes Version

For those too lazy or too chagrined to read the entire New Moon book, I would like to present the super fast CliffsNotes edition.

(Characters are SM's property & are only portrayed in this satire for the LOLZ)

PREFACE:
Bella: Alice says I'm gonna die. Again. And this time I supposedly take her down with me. *eye roll* Whatev. Anyways, I can't really get into it all here, this is like, only the first page!

CHAPTER ONE: ONE SPARKLY BAND-AID PLEASE
Alice: It's Bella's birthday! Squeee! *school windows break*

Bella: Ugh! I am eighteen! That is like, old.

Edward: Old? Try being 107 year old virgin. *wince* So, you really don't wanna celebrate your birthday? We'll I'll have to dazzle her into it. I mean, all I have to do is blow my sweet peppermint schnapps breath into her face and she'll crumble. I mean, who can resist that? Dude, peppermint schnapps breath!

Bella: So then emo vamp breathes on me and next thing I know, I'm at some freaking pretty in pink birthday bash. Oh, and emo vamp told me he wants some old wrinkly Italian dudes to off him if I no longer, like exist.

Alice: Presents! Squeee! *glass vases shatter*

Bella: *whine* Ok, give me a gift - OW! Oopsy!

CHAPTER TWO: WORST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.
Jasper: ME WANNA OM NOM NOM NOM *venom drool*

Bella: OMG! More stitches! And why is emo vamp acting all weird?

Edward: *silently brooding*

CHAPTER THREE: THE END. OR NOT.
Bella: *anxious whine* OMG OMG OMG Emo vamp is acting all children of the corn on me. What did I do? I know I'm just a slow, stupid human! *wah*

Edward: Bella, I'm leaving. I have distractions now. You are boring and me thinks kinda whiny. I don't want you.

Bella: You...don't...want me?

Edward: Did I stutter? Dude, I don't want you.

Bella: Ok. *emo sob*

MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN 3...2...1

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

JANUARY

MENTAL BREAKDOWN CONVERSION COMPLETE. PLEASE ENJOY YOUR NEW ZOMBIE 2.1 SOFTWARE UPDATE.

CHAPTER FOUR: I HEAR DEAD PEOPLE
Zombie Bella: Jess, wanna go to movie with me? *points to self*

Jessica: *wrinkles nose* With you? *snaps gum* Er, well, *sigh* I guess so. Wow. Forks is really boring if all I have to hang out with is you. *snaps gum & twirls hair*

Disembodied Emo Vamp Voice: Do not go in that bar! I'm warning you. I'm serious! Hey don't - GAH! *hisssssssssssssssss* You promised!

Zombie Bella: I...can...hear...emo angel! *zombie bliss*

Jessica: OMG! You are such a freak show. You should like, charge admission or something. *snaps gum & twirls hair*

CHAPTER FIVE: IT'S NOT REALLY CHEATING IF THE OTHER PERSON IS DEAD
Bella: You know what? I'm not sticking to that stupid pact emo vamp made me agree to before he ditched me in the children of the corn field! From now on I will be (DUHN DUHN DUHN) Bella-Evel-Knievel-Swan! I got the motorcycles so get outta my way Forks vehicle drivers! *vroom vroom*

Jacob: OMG! Bella is in my driveway! Squeee! She is HAW- er, well, she kinds looks like she's been living in a cave for a few months or something. *shrugs* I'll take it! Score one for Team La Push!

Bella: Help me fix up these cycles! And stop looking at me that way!

Jacob: Yes ma'am! Cycles? Sneaky cool!

CHAPTER SIX: FRIENDS...BUT NOT LIKE THE TV SHOW
Jacob: OMG! OMG! OMG! Bella is in my crappy little homemade garage! *drool* Dude! Pull it together and act cool! Now is the time to channel your inner Fonzie!

Bella: Uh yeah...ummm....ok, well let's just get started on the cycles, ok? And hey, why are you grinning like that? Seriously, you're face is gonna like, freeze like that or something. You're creeping me out. *whine* Stop it!

Angela: I missed you Bella! *little blue birds float around her head*

Bella: Huh? Who are you? Angela who?

CHAPTER SEVEN: I LIKE-LIKE YOU. DO YOU LIKE-LIKE ME TOO?
Jacob: So I think Bells - yeah, I call her Bells `cause we're tight like that - is starting to like me. Ok, maybe not like-like-like, or even like-like, but definitely, maybe, sorta, iffy like me. But that's ok. I can be all patient with that shizz! One day she'll be all "Jacob, I love you!" and I'll be all, "Duh!"

Mike: So Bella, howza bout a date with the coolest guy in Forks High?

Bella: Yeah, no.

Mike: *grumble, grumble, grumble, pout*

Jacob: *snickers* Nice try homeboy! We have cycles! That is practically like owning a dog *foreshadow* together. Nothing can come between us! I rule the worl- er, La Push First Beach!

CHAPTER EIGHT: ME THINKS YOU BROKE YOUR HEAD ALONG WITH YOUR HEART
Bella: *whine* Dude, riding these bikes is hard work! But wait! I hear my emo angel!

Jacob: Ummm...me thinks you has a concussion. Maybe we should chill on the cycles for a while?

Bella: *grumble* Whatev.

Jacob: *sigh* I promise we will do whatever you want to do.

Bella: *sniffle* Ok. Hey! I wanna hike! I can hear emo angel That way also!

Jacob: Who?

Bella: *chagrin* Er, you, I mean you. I can hear you.

Jacob: *scratches head*

CHAPTER NINE: BE MY AWKWARD VALENTINE
Jacob: I bought you a box of candy hearts & a life time of servitude Bells!

Bella: Uh, ok...awkward.

Mike: So Bella, howza bout me & you at the movies? *wink wink*

Bella: Uh, yeah, ok...

Mike: Yes! Score!

Bella: ...but as a group.

Mike: *grumble, grumble, grumble, sulk*

Bella: Yeah, I know, like awkward triple date. Why can't these two stupid boys see my zombie heart still belongs to emo vamp? Cold, deserting-me-in-da-woods, picture stealing, CD taking, I-Don't-Want-You, Did-I-Stutter, emo vamp. *wraps arm around torso to hold in the emo pain*

CHAPTER TEN: LAURENT = WOLF KIBBLE
Laurent: Hello Bella. Don't you smell...tasty. *venom drool*

Bella: ACK!

Laurent: No..it...it can't be. Werewolves!

Bella: ACK!

CHAPTER ELEVEN: GET A CLUE. NO ONE WANTS YOU.
Bella: *whine* OMG! Why is Jacob dissing me? This is so unfair! *kicks trash can* I hate my life! But you know what? I learned a thing or two from stalking emo vamp.

*camps out on front of Black house*

Jacob: Bella, leave me alone you leech lover!

Bella: *gasp* How do you know - wait. Dude, what is up with your hair? Seriously, it looks like you cut it with sheep shears! Did you let Seth cut your hair or something?

Jacob: It'll grow out. It will! Stop staring at the buzz cut & get out of here! I don't want you!

Bella: You...don't...want me?

FREE MENTAL BREAKDOWN 2.2 UPGRADE INSTALLATION COMPLETE.

CHAPTER TWELVE: I PREFER SCRABBLE
Jacob: So this is the part where I decide to grow a pair in this messed up story! I don't haz a werewolf for nothing! If that bloodsucker can climb through Bells window like a stalker so can I.

*crash*

Jacob: Bells, I have to tell you something. But I can't tell you.

Bella: *wipes away emo tears* You mean like charades?

Jacob: Yeah! Ok -

Bella: First word, no, one word...two syllables...ummm...shirt? Scarf? Pull on? Ummm..clothes...no? Ok, second syllable...rabbit? Cat? Dog? OH! I know, I know - Clothes Dog!

Jacob: You. Suck. But somehow I still want you. I need to have my brain checked.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: STUPID WEREWOLF IS AS STUPID WEREWOLF DOES
Bella: OMG! Jacob isn't a Clothes Dog! He's a Werewolf!

*drives to La Push*

Bella: I know your secret Clothes Dog! You haz a fursplosion!

Jacob: You are a leech loving hypocrite!

Bella: Stupid werewolf is as stupid werewolf does.

Jacob: Well, sooooory I'm not as great as sparkle boy.

Bella: *eye roll*

Jacob: I saw that! Look...let's be friends.

Bella: Yeah, whatev. My monster collection is getting low. I guess I'll take what I can get.

Jacob: BTW - The red head vamp is back & she wants to kill you.

Bella: *vomit*

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: FURSPLOSION CITY HERE I COME
Bella: So then we meet up with Jakes' - yeah, I call him Jake now `cause we're tight like that - pack - WOW - that is freaking weird to say. And then there were fursplosions all around! I thought I was gonna hurl. Seriously, emo vamp being dead seems way tamer than this shizzle. I mean, he never poofed into like, a bat or anything.

Jared: She's gonna blow.

Embry: Nah! She runs with Meyerpires.

Emily: So you're the Meyerpire girl.

Bella: Yeah. What are you? The fursplosion girl?

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: I PREFER BOO-BERRY
Bella: *whine* why am I still so miserable? I miss emo vamp. *sniffle*

Jacob: You think she's miserable? What, just `cause she's the main character & all. Dude, I fursplode & she still wants icy Count Chocula! *shakes head*

Bella: And now wolf boy has ditched me for patrol. *eye roll* Well, I don't need him! Move over Esme. I can dive off cliffs too!

*fling* *splash*

Bella: OMG! Icy cold! Like a Meyerpire! Jeez, this current is a bit stronger than I had though- gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.

Disembodied Emo Voice: ARGGHHH! Keep swimming! Doggie paddle!

Bella: Goodbye world...again. I love you perfect, chiseled, sculpted emo angel!

Jacob: Snap out of it girl! Breathe! *smack*

Bella: Huh? Oh, ok, I'm still alive. Darn!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: EAU DE MEYERPIRE
Jacob: C'mon I gotta take you home. A character actually died in this series. I know! Hard to believe huh?

Bella: Could...could Jacob be my new love? Could I just kiss him once? Will he have dog breath? *chews lip*

Jacob: *husky voice* Bella, I must tell you, I love yo- oh noes! Meyerpire! My nose burns! AUGGHHH!

Bella: Meyerpire? YAY! MY Meyerpires! See `ya wolf boy.

Jacob: What? Are you serious? Aw man, forget this shizzle! I'm outta here!

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: CANDY WOLF GRAM
Alice: Whoa! You look like h e l l s Bells! Like an out of control bus dragged you down a muddy ravine & left you there for good. WT-?! You stink too!

Bella: *whine* I'm trying! I can't just act like Jasper whistling show tunes and doing jazz hands! Will you stay Alice? PUHLEEZE!

Alice: Ok, calm down dirty girl. I'll stay. But stop trying to commit suicide.

Bella: I didn't -

Alice: *icy dancing singing glare*

Bella: Ok. Hey! We can do lots of fun stuff while you are here! Like clean my bathroom! Yeah, that's the ticket. Seriously, my imagination is all used up and all I have for us to do is clean the bathroom.

Alice: *blink*

*bing bong*

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: "DOCTOR." "DOCTOR."
Jacob: Bella.

Bella: Jacob.

Alice: Edward!

Bella: Edward?

Jacob: Dumb Meyerpire!

Alice: Stupid Dog!

Bella: Edward?

Alice: Idiot Rose!

Bella: Edward?

Alice: Italy.

Bella: Italy? NOOOOOOOO!

Jacob: Italy?

Bella: Old wrinkly Italian dudes?

Alice: Yep.

Bella: Jacob, watch Charlie!

Jacob: *grumble* Charlie.

CHAPTER NINETEEN: IT'S NOT STEALING IF YOU DON'T INTEND TO KEEP IT
Bella: So Alice & I hop on the first flight outta this country! We have to get to emo vamp before the old wrinkly Italian dudes kill him for getting all sparkly in their town.

Alice: I stole a yellow Porsche!

CHAPTER TWENTY: FOUNTAIN OF ACK
Bella: After we bribe out way into Volterra I am off & running. Like, Forest Gump has squat on me. I could even leave Jimmy Tracker in the dust! Ooff! Stupid fountain! ACK! Cold fountain! Leap over fountain! *pant* Man, there sure is a lot about that fountain in here. And that's when I see him. My emo vamp! I'm yellin his name & stuff, but does he hear me? No! Just like a man not to listen!

*body slam*

Edward: Amazing! Dad was right! I'm a doof!

Bella: OMG! OMG! OMG! We gotta scram like now emo vamp! The old wrinkly Italian dudes will be after us any minute now. But he's all smellin my hair & quoting Romeo & stuff. *eye roll* Oh well, at least I feel whole again, like a donut with jelly filling instead of a hole in the center. *emo sigh*

Edward: Wait a minute! You're not dead!

Bella: Have you lost brain cells since we've been apart?

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: LAW & MEYERPIRE ORDER
Bella: Next thing I know Alice finds us & we're being hauled off to meet the old wrinkly Italian dudes by some short stuff who wants to put the whammy on us. Yeah, this doesn't sound good. We are so dead. We'll never talk our way outta this! And then, when we get there some creepy old Meyerpire named Aro is acting like we are BFF's. As if!

Aro: I love a happy ending! Wheee! Now you can join us. We'll make a fort in the tower & watch Soul Train reruns on my new plasma 68".

Edward: *growl* We will never join you! We prefer Band Stand.

Aro: Awww! That's a shame.

Marcus: Kill them! *hisssssssssssss*

Caius: *bored*

Alice: Wait! See?

Aro: Yay! Alice will make Bella one of us! Zippity-Do-Dah! *skips off to lunch*

Demetri: You must wait in this lobby where we will play Copacabana in Muzak over & over & over... *winks*

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED FROM
Edward: Once we are free we jam back to the airport. All the while I'm in some freaky Dracula cape. *chagrin*

Alice: Buy me a Porsche!

Bella: The journey back to forks? Yeah, that was awkward. But I was all jacked up on caffeine so...ummm...what was the question?

Rosalie: Edward, I am so sorry and -

Edward: *growl* Save it!

Bella: *sleeps*

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE WHOLE EMO TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE EMO TRUTH?
Bella: When I wake up (hello morning breath!) emo vamp was hovering over me. You know, the usual. He's all trying to convince me he's staying & stuff but...I dunno.

Edward: Dude! For shizzle I'm staying! What can I do to convince her? Oh, I know!

FADE TO BLACK SMOOCH

Edward: *chuckles* Yeah, I still dazzle. *smokes cigarette*

Bella: You think you're so smooth. Well, guess what? I'm gonna seal this deal once & for all. I'm going to your moms! Take that!

Edward: *worried* Mommy?

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: GET OUT THE VOTE!
Bella: Next thing I know I'm sitting around a dining room table (seriously, why do they need a dining room table?) in the Cullen Mini Monster McMansion making them vote on me being a Meyerpire. All but Edward & Rosalie (big surprise *eye roll*) vote yes.

Edward: Whatev. Once I get her back to her bedroom I start plotting. Like, big time. And that's when it hits me. So I'm all "Bella, marry me!" And then she starts to FREAK. *chuckles* That is what we call check & mate my friends! I win at life, er existence.

EPILOGUE: THE MONSTER BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
Bella: My emo vamp is really back! *sigh*

Edward: Yep. I'm back. Eat it dog!

Jacob: I can't believe Bells is taking that bloodsucker back! She totally played me! *wolf tear* Hey! Don't laugh at me or feel sorry for me. I haz plans! At least I CAN cry unlike that hollow popsicle.

Edward: *chuckles*


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## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

*And the ones for Twilight. Also posted by Amazon.com user Obsidian, and all characters (c) Stephenie Meyer.*

Twilight CliffsNotes Version

For those too lazy or too chagrined to read the entire Twilight book, I would like to present the super fast CliffsNotes edition.

(Characters are SM's property & are only portrayed in this satire for the LOLZ)

PREFACE: 
Bella: I'm so gonna die and by a character named The Hunter.

CHAPTER ONE: FIRST BITE
Bella: *whine* OMG! This town sucks! I hate Charlie! School sucks! It's like wet and green and stuff here.

Edward: *coal black eye glare* I want to kill Bella Swan.

CHAPTER TWO: STUPID BOOK
Bella: *whine* Why is Mike Newton hitting on me? Gah! This sucks! What teen girl wants cute boys hitting on her all the time? And where is emo boy who sits beside me in Biology? Why isn't he in school? Not like I care or anything. *sniff*

Edward: I'm back and I'm gonna make polite conversation. Totally. Watch me be cool.

CHAPTER THREE: MORMANON
Bella: It snowed today - like yuck - and emo boy saved me from being the filling in a vehicle Oreo.

Edward: Yeah, I saved her. But I've decided to never speak to Bella again. Lunch, I mean Bella, does not exist.

CHAPTER FOUR: IMITATION
Bella: So now I'm all dreaming about emo boy & stuff.

Edward: Ok, so I lied which I so don't ever do. I'm gonna talk to Bella, but not really.

Bella: Then a bunch of boys ask me to the school dance. Didn't they get the memo that I don't want cute boys to acknowledge my existence on this planet!

Edward: So now I really am gonna talk to Bella and stuff `cause I think she likes me. We have a date set up. Basically I went from no communication to a date in the span of one day. That's my reality baby! I mean, I told her to stay away from me. What else can I do?

CHAPTER FIVE: BLOOD HYPE
Bella: Today me & emo boy ate lunch together. Then I realized I was late for class AND my Snapple bottle cap went missing. *whine* My life is soooo hard!

Edward: *chuckles* Yeah, I totally stole the bottle cap. But let's keep that on the down low until my book comes out. I don't want readers thinking I'm some emo stalker or something. Seriously dude!

Bella: * whine* OMG! I'm gonna hurl and pass out at the same time!

Edward: *chuckles* She faints at the sight of blood. We are like two halves of a Cadbury Crème Egg. Granted I'm the dust filled half and she's the sweet blood filled half. Whatev.

CHAPTER SIX: STUPID STORIES
Bella: It's all sunny and stuff today so I go with Mike Newton and the other losers that go to my lame school to the beach on the rez. It's alright. *shrugs*

Jacob: This is where I get added to the story at the last minute by the editors. But that's cool. In a couple of more books I get to, hold on a minute, I gotta do this:

"No. They are the *same* ones."

Ok, chicks totally dig that line. So, I gotta throw that shizzle in there. Man, Bella is HAWT!

CHAPTER SEVEN: BAD DREAM
Bella: So now I'm dreaming about vamps & werewolves. Thanks a lot Jacob. Plus, I totally know emo boy, er, emo vamps secret. That little rat! He coulda told me & saved me all this angst. I mean, why should I ever suffer or be deprived of anything? Anyways, I'm off to go be depresso-emo girl who actually sits out in the rain in the woods. Emo is totally contagious. Later.

CHAPTER EIGHT: PORT WHINE
Bella: I'm in Port Whine for a girl's night out. But I totally can't hang `cause they are all human & stuff so I strike out on my own. Then I see a Volvo & I'm all "Stupid, shiny emo vamp Volvo owner." *sigh* But then I get lost `cause I'm all cute & fuzzy & emo vamp has to come save me...again.

Edward: Bella needs an internal GPS system. She got lost in a one street town. Seriously, who does that? But I take her to dinner anyways `cause it so won't be obvious if I don't eat anything.

CHAPTER NINE: HYPOTHESIS
Bella: So I tell him, "Busted dude! I know your secret emo vamp."

Edward: *cringe*

Bella: But then I'm all, "I don't care `cause I'm totally crushing on you monster boy."

Edward: *wince*

Bella: Then he's all, "I'm seventeen." Yeah, right. Who does he think he's playing?

Edward: *flinch*

Bella: Then emo vamp is all dramatic, but he gets over it `cause he says he'll see me at school. Emo vamp has a paper due.

CHAPTER TEN: I GOT PROBED
Edward: I pick Bella up for school `cause I'm breaking bad now & don't give a shizzle. I'm like Michael Jackson in the Beat It video. Ok, my bro Jazz would say that's him but I'm all, "No way homey!"

Bella: I eat lunch with emo vamp again and he's already tryin to weasel out of our date! But I'm all, "Nuh-uh!" No take-backs!

CHAPTER ELEVEN: CHAGRINATIONS
Bella: So the next day emo vamp wants to play twenty zillion questions. Whatev.

Edward: Then the Blacks show up and we have a mega staring contest. *growls*

CHAPTER TWELVE: WAX ON WAX OFF
Bella: I spend the evening being all chagrined around Charlie's friend Billy who is Jacob's dad. Billy totally knows emo vamps secret. Crap! He's just trying to ruin my buzz!

Edward: So the next day I leave early `cause I need Mountain Lion sustenance. I leave Bella a really wordy note in that piece of scrap metal she drives. I'm verbose like that ya'll. I got verbal game.

Bella: The next day emo vamp shows up at my door for our first - hopefully not last - night on earth - date and he is HAWT! OMG! *whines* I am so lame compared to him. *sob* But I go through with our emo hike through the woods.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: OBSESSIONS
Bella: So emo vamp is all disco balls. I could do the hustle around him in the freaky meadow. *hums disco inferno*

Edward: Yeah, I sparkle AND dazzle. Check it!

Bella: At one point I thought, "OMG! I am so dead!" But he didn't kill me. *shrugs* But then he starts talking about lions and lambs and stuff. I didn't really follow all that wild kingdom shizz, but whatev.

Edward: Yeah, I wanted to kill her. But then I realized I LURVED HER!!! I knew it was a done deal then `cause who can resist me? Dude, I sparkle. Hello?! Plus, when I slipped her the tongue she totally tried to mountain lion me! *chuckles*

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: MIND OVER SPLATTER
Bella: Emo vamp spent all night with me. Would Charlie have freaked? Well yeah, but by this point I'm all, "Rules are for suckas!" Whatev.

Edward: I watched and smelled her all night. *emo sigh*

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE SPARKLES
Edward: The next morning I'm all, "Whoa! Your hair = haystack!" But she still smelt good so I'm cool. I tell her she's my life and stuff. It's a good thing vamps can't gag.

Bella: So then emo vamp takes me to meet his really old sparkle family. You think if something is that old it wouldn't sparkle anymore. But hello, disco balls everywhere. And they were all there: the doctor, the little mrs. I-Can-Build-A-Home-With-My-Bare-Hands, the weird "emotional" one and the one that looks a little crazy in the eyes. Only blondie and the hulk were missing. Which, whatev. Blondie creeps me out!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: DR. SPARKLE
Bella: So next I get a really long and boring history lesson on Dr. Sparkle from emo vamp. *yawn*

Edward: Bella totally dug hearing about our history. Well, I guess she did. I mean, she really only has like one facial expression, but...c'mon who wouldn't want to hear about me, I mean, my faux-pops. So then I take her to see my room & I try to scare her & stuff, `cause that's how you get chicks to dig you, right? But then Jazz is in my doorway and he's all, "Dude!" and all freaked out and shizz. Jazz needs to seriously lighten up!

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: EENIE MEANIE MINIE MOE - TAG, YOU'RE IT!
Edward: We head out to play baseball in the woods. I'm all ready to flex and stuff so Bella will think I'm HAWT! Dude, I've even got on my Sparkle jersey! Oh yeah!

Bella: *shrug*

Edward: So everything is cool, I'm running bases and flirting with Bella and smelling her in the breeze and all, when Alice has a vision. Dude, there is a tracker only a few miles away! And I mean that in like vampire miles, not slow human miles.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: YOU BETTER RUN GIRL
Bella: The next thing I know some homeless vamps think I am a Little Debbie snack cake. As if!

Edward: So now I am p*ssed! I cannot believe Alice didn't see this coming! She is so never borrowing my Backstreet Boys CD's EVER again! I don't care how many crazy - awesome - wicked parties she throws.

Bella: I was scared for serious. I was like, "Where is the Dog Whisperer? Vamp Whisperer?" I mean, there was so much marking of territory I thought every tree in the forest was gonna get marked. Next thing I know emo vamp throws me over his back and we are off running through the woods again. But, in the end I come up with a plan to throw the tracker off my scent `cause my brain is still living.

CHAPTER NINETEEN: YOU SAY GOODBYE, I SAY WHICH WAY TO PHOENIX?
Bella: So I do what I do best - whine and hurt people emotionally. I tell Charlie I'm outta here! I'm slamming doors and yelling and stuff. Where is my academy award? Seriously, where is it?

Edward: When Bella is clear of Charlie's house we make a run for it to my creepy McMansion in the woods. Once we hash out a plan I have to let Bella go. *emo sob* It's like someone has taken my dead, shriveled up raisin of what was a heart and has shrunk it to the size of a rais - er, never mind.

CHAPTER TWENTY: OMG HURRY UP!
Bella: Next thing I know I'm stuck in a hotel room in Phoenix with the emotional vamp and crazy eyed vamp. But I'm like, let's be friends and all. After we become BFF's Alice tells me how to vamp out. I'm totally storing that nugget away.

Edward: I get to call and tell Bella I'm sorry I messed up her life and stuff. I lurve her so she should be fine.

Bella: Next thing I know Jasper is watching Alice draw a dance studio. He seemed pretty excited about that.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE
Bella: So then the tracker knows where I am so the two babysitter vamps get all paranoid and tell Edward to come and get me. Which is like totally fine with me `cause OMG I miss him soooo much! But then tracker vamp calls me and is a big kill-joy. He's all blah, blah, I got your moms, blah, blah, come meet me, blah, blah, no other vamps, blah, blah. So now I'm all, "Whoa, I'm so dead!"

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION 
Bella: So then I ditch the babysitter club vamps at the airport and taxi it to the dance studio. And do you know who was there? That guy they were calling the hunter in the preface. I mean, is he the hunter, the tracker, or James? And do you know who isn't there? My moms. Yeah, tracker-hunter is a big fat lair; his pants should be on fire. So he gets all chatzy with me and I'm all, "Let's just do this!"

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: THE EMO ANGEL
Bella: So then, right before I fade to black (NOT THAT FADE TO BLACK!) I hear my emo angel's voice. He has come to save me! *gurgle*

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: PASS THE WHAT?
Bella: Next thing I know I'm in the hospital, which ewww! Smells hospital-ly! And Edward is all, "I'm going to leave you!"

Edward: So I basically hint to her that, "I'm going to leave you."

Bella: But I'm all whatev, I'm betting on crazy eyed vamp. And then he's all, "Bring in the morphine!" Like that's gonna shuut mee uff, huh? *snore*

EPILOGUE: PRETTY IN BLUE
Bella: So I'm back home and recovering from the hunter-tracker attack. Alice is making me her own personal Barbie doll which is freaking me out! Next thing I know emo vamp is taking me to prom! Ewww!!!!

Edward: Yeah, she hated the whole prom thing but I need her to act like I'm not here and enjoy all the human things. Not that I plan on making her non-human. She can beg all she wants but that is so not happening. *chuckle*


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## nebulinda (Dec 19, 2008)

Soon after I read the Twilight series, I encountered this: http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html. So hilarious, but likely offensive to Mormons. It's also very image heavy.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

I only got about half way through... gotta run to a meeting and actually do some work.

Hysterical!  I love this.  I'm really trying not to disturb my cube neighbors with my laughing.  Thanks Robin!!!


Yes, I also read all 4 books


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

nebulinda said:


> Soon after I read the Twilight series, I encountered this: http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html. So hilarious, but likely offensive to Mormons. It's also very image heavy.


So I wasn't the only one that noticed some of those things. I don't feel lonely any more.


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## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

Okay, nebulinda, that link is just WRONG!!!! OMG, I laughed til my manager threatened to call security.

By the time I got to the part about


Spoiler



bella not picking glitter out of her teeth


, I was nearly in the floor laughing. I know that's disgusting, but still. Hilarious. People were coming in from other parts of the building to see what was so funny. Do you know how hard it is to explain to a group of non-readers, who especially don't read teen vampire books, that you're reading fanfic summaries of teen vamp fiction at work, and having to put your head between your knees just to draw a breath? Not one of my finer professional moments, I admit. But it made my day.

I cannot believe how much wrath a series of teen vampires books has inspired, but I have an evil wish that it keeps up. Because we are seeing some real quality material in these disenchanted fan blogs.


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## nebulinda (Dec 19, 2008)

I know! I first read it when I was in the computer lab at school. People kept staring at my silent shaking laughter, and I kept expecting friends or professors to come in an accuse me of not getting any work done (which, I must admit, did not get done).


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## robin.goodfellow (Nov 17, 2008)

I tried to keep it down, but alas was not successful.  lol, I'm going to be in bad trouble if my hysterical laughter gets that site blocked.  I was not familiar with it before yesterday, but apparently I was in the minority.  All the other people in the office my age (also mostly non-readers....I mean, it took one guy most of a year to read Lamb, and I can polish that off in an afternoon) were VERY familiar with the site, and said I hadn't done them any favors by nearly hyperventilating.

Also a couple of them mocked my choice of reading materials, but then they started reading the captions on my pictures and got a little giggly too.


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

Someone gave me a new copy of Twilight, that I have not gotten around to reading - after all this - I am not sure I want to - Sookie is bad enough but this appears to be    But if it gets kid to reading it can't be all that bad    Just wish I knew some one young to give it to  

'Cuse me - gotta go get the next Sookie -


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## Guest (Jan 24, 2009)

If you think Sookie is bad(*BLASPHENY!!!*), I doubt you'd like *Tweenlite*


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

no no no

I misworded  I loved her - that's what I mean by bad - ANOTHER series to get hooked on! LOL  I never got into Anne Rice, even though she and her late husband were high school friends. 

Would never intentionally blasphemy anything with fangs -


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## bosslady402 (Nov 6, 2008)

My son went to a classmates 16th birthday party last night. I asked him this morning, how was the party? 

He said "hmm. What words can I use to describe the party? Let's see, dozens of girls wearing way too little clothing and way too much makeup, dancing way too suggestively with a card-board cutout of that Edward guy"

Luckily, there were a half-dozen guys there that he was able to hang out with.

I'm so glad I have sons instead of daughters!


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