# Anyone know how I can do this?



## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Hi,
  Okay, this is not at all about the Kindle...but you all have been so helpful to me.  I have a 7 year old son that still carries his biological dads name.  The last time he saw his dad(my ex fiance) was at 3 months old.  His dad isn't part of his life at all.  When my son was 2 he was arrested for attempted murder and is now serving 19 years in prison.  Which is great since he had tried to kill me when I decided my son deserved better than a abusive father.  His dad doesn't pay child support or has ever done anything for my son.
  Fast forward, my son was 3 at this time.  I applied for a name change, since his family along with him had no concern for my son.  I wanted to change his name to my last name.  Well from prison he denied the name change.  I didn't think he could do that since I had sole custody...but in California it doesn't matter. The judge said sorry, and he wished he could approve it since he is a known gang member and my son deserves a better last name.  
  I got married in 2007 and the only dad he knows is his stepdad.  My son doesn't even want to look at pics of his biodad, and he goes by my last name but it's not legal.  Is there a legal way to change his name without his dads consent.  It's been 7 years of looking, and I can't find any help on this.  Please help me.  
                              Thanks in advance,
                                            Brittay

P.S.  The baby I'm carrying right now will have my last name...I want both of my kids to have the same name...so it's so important to me.  My husband hated his abusive father and hates his last name so he is fine with me using my last name.


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## Shadowraven (May 7, 2009)

I have no idea how you would do that... sorry   But out of curiosity, since your husband doesn't like his last name, did he take yours?  I've actually heard of guys taking the girl's name for situations like that.


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Actually he really wants his grandpas last name since he helped raise him.  However, he figured it is just to much hassle to change it right now.  He wished his mom would of done it earlier.  I told him I didn't mind if he changed it, but he isn't motivated yet.


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## Bren S. (May 10, 2009)

How old is your Son now?


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

He is 7 now.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but it seems that since you're talking about a minor, you might be stuck if the biological father won't allow the name change.  Of course, when your boy is 18 he can do what he wants without consent of either parent.  I assume you've talked to a lawyer; if not you should, but it's likely to cost. . . .


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Yes when I did, they couldn't figure out how to do this.  It seems not fair that someone who has no part of my childs life has say in things like his name.  So frustrating.  I need a better lawyer, but my income won't allow it.  I know there has to be a way...but I just can't figure it out.  Frustrating!!!


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## Bren S. (May 10, 2009)

I would speak to a good Family Law Attorney.
Also sometimes deadbeat biological fathers,can be swayed to voluntarily sign away their parental rights if they are told that this would mean they would not have to pay child support.
Deadbeats only think of themselves and their own wallets.
I realize he is in prison but that doesn't remove his financial obligations,and they will be there to follow him when he is released.Wage garnishments,revoking of drivers licenses,and it ruining their credit report for life, can be motivating factors for males who don't care about the kids they help make, but want to escape losing money.


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## NogDog (May 1, 2009)

OK, here's a weird idea, but maybe....

Contact your local TV news and tell them about your problem. If it catches their interest and you are willing to be interviewed, they may make it a "human interest" story and get you a lawyer who wants the publicity to help for free.

As the City Watch members in the Discworld series like to say, "It's a million to one shot, but it just might work."


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## Forster (Mar 9, 2009)

I know some people that went through this.  Basically the kids had to wait till they were 18 to change their name on their own.  They ended up changing it to their stepdad's name being for all practical purposes he was their dad.


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## bookfiend (Feb 22, 2009)

Hey Never, first I would edit the title of this thread to entice some of the lawyers here to have a peak.  Have you looked into your husband officially adopting your son?  Might be a fight too, but there is grounds.  Long way around, have hubby change his name to one he wants, change your name to that as well, when gummy is born there is no problem, and if adoption is possible you all end up with the same last name.  My sister went through this with her two boys,  the older with the different last name just went by theirs all through school, and now that he just turned 18 he is going to legally have it changed.  I'm not sure how they legally (if it was) did everything doctors, school, afterschool jobs, etc.. with the wrong last name, it will probably turn into a mess soon.  So I defiantly think you are doing the right thing trying to straiten everything out now.  Good Luck.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Laws are different in each state.  But unless the biological father agrees to an adoption there is probably nothing that can be done.  I have found that the best attorneys for these kind of matters, especially since the biodad is serving time, is a court appointed attorney.  What I'm saying is they seem to have a better sense of the ins and outs of a particular court.  If you could find an attorney who does this kind of work, call them, explain your situation, and see what they suggest.  They might know of a way to have his rights terminated.  And they normally cost a whole lot less than firms who do mostly civil work.  
Good luck.
deb


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## Maxx (Feb 24, 2009)

I was thinking that maybe there would be a way to have his parental rights terminated (because of prison/no child support) then, he would no longer have any say in any type of decision you made for your son.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Maxx said:


> I was thinking that maybe there would be a way to have his parental rights terminated (because of prison/no child support) then, he would no longer have any say in any type of decision you made for your son.


Agreed and also if you found a way for your new husband to legally adopt your son it would take away your exes rights. I think if your ex realized he might have a lot of lawyers and fees and child support to pay when getting out of prison he might be a little more likely to give over some rights.

But Maybe if your son is only 7 now he might feel differently about his name when he gets older. I understand your wants for his name change but maybe he will want to make his own choice down the road. Just another thought. Of course you are his mom and have his best interests in mind so you know best.


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Great ideas everyone!  Its really hard, I even tried to keep his family in my sons life...afterall they are blood to my son.  They didn't want to keep contact, they wanted me to take him back.  My ex is evil, he would never sign his rights away just because he is mad that I left him.  In his mind we were married (not true) and all the drugs he took after I left fried his brain.  I didn't tell my son anything bad about his dad...however at age 3 he started to cry when he saw his biodads picture.  I asked why, and he said "He hit my mommy, he hit you!"  I left him when my son was 3 months...how could he know this?  Every time I talk about his biodad, he will tell me he isn't my dad, he is a bad man, Nick is my dad (stepdad).  It breaks my heart, but it's true.  He tells me things his biodad did, and he's right...how could he remember?  Right now my son goes by my last name at school, doctors, and etc.  They said that is because his social security number identifies him.  I just wish there was a way to remove his biodads name...he isn't a father...he is a donor who cares nothing about my son.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

Neversleeps, you need an attorney  --  there has to be a way!  Is it documented anywhere that he tried to kill you, maybe as part of the court proceedings that got him into jail?  That point would probably help your cause, if you have any kind of proof (not that I'm doubting you, but just so that you can document that in family court).

Also, do you have the name of the state prosecutor that handled his case when he went to jail?  That person would know some of the details of what kind of person he is (or at least have them in their records), and perhaps they can recommend what to do next in this situation.  They'd also know where you could get low-cost legal help. 

Please keep us posted!


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Unfortunately I didn't report him when he beat bad enough to go to the hospital.  The police knew he did it but I denied it.  He told me if I turned him in my nephews would be dead...so I was scared. I know they wrote a report of all my markings and etc...and I had to go to family court for the restraining orders for my son and I.  The family court gave me sole custody and agreed he was to dangerous for my son to be around (this happened before he got into drug dealing).  About a year later a drug deal went bad and him along with his cousin decided to kill a guy.  They left him for dead at a local park.  Someone found the poor guy and managed to save his life.  Dectectives were looking for him and his accomplice (his cousin) who I identified.  They updated me, and told me everything that was going on.  They managed to find him, and charge his cousin too.  About a month earlier they held up a guy at his house and shot him...he lived too.  So he is away for awhile.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

They gave you sole custody??  Then why is there a problem with the name change?  Isn't that enough to get it approved??

And if you already have sole custody, can't his stepdad adopt him?

After all that happened, I do think that if you talk to the prosecutor's office they should be able to suggest the next step to make the legal changes you want.  They saw it unfold, they know the background, they'll know you're not just being fickle or vengeful but that there are substantial reasons for your request.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Susan in VA said:


> They gave you sole custody?? Then why is there a problem with the name change? Isn't that enough to get it approved??
> 
> And if you already have sole custody, can't his stepdad adopt him?


This is what I thought. I have no idea of the technicalitys but it seems like sole custody with so many obvious reasons should be enough for a name change/legal adoption.


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Unfortunately sole custody seems to mean nothing.  If the father shows any intrest in his son then he has the right to say no to the name change.  The judge apologized to me, and I swear he was starting to cry.  He said the laws in California need to change.  Frustrating isn't it?  My husband said he is going to see about talking to a lawyer.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Neversleepsawink;) said:


> Unfortunately sole custody seems to mean nothing. If the father shows any intrest in his son then he has the right to say no to the name change. The judge apologized to me, and I swear he was starting to cry. He said the laws in California need to change. Frustrating isn't it? My husband said he is going to see about talking to a lawyer.


Isn't there special circumstances in cases of dessertion. Maybe you could try to file for it under something like that. I know in cases of divorce dessertion gives special leeway.


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

I'm not sure, but hopefully my hubby will find out some good news soon.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Neversleepsawink;) said:


> I'm not sure, but hopefully my hubby will find out some good news soon.


Please keep us updated, I will be praying for a swift healthy resolution.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

If California laws turn out to be completely inflexible on this, perhaps there is a way to change your legal residence to another state, and approach it from that angle?  Not by moving there necessarily, but simply by "officially" residing with a relative elsewhere in a state that might permit such a change more easily.


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## NogDog (May 1, 2009)

Some other people to try are your local representatives in both the state house and state senate. I really think that your story is compelling and frustrating, and to me it seems like the law needs some modification. As these are the people who could actually initiate such modification, they may ultimately be the ones who have to do something. It seems to me if I were in their place, I'd love getting the publicity they could milk from this in helping you resolve this favorably.


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## Tip10 (Apr 16, 2009)

I'll start with the same disclaimer -- I'm no lawyer -- SEEK LEGAL ADVICE!

You should be able to petition to terminate the male biological parents rights.  This should be doable and I would expect not to terribly difficult to do seeing as how said parent is incarcerated for attempted murder.
Once parental rights have been terminated you -- as remaining person possessing parental right for the child will be free to petition the court for name change and/or approval of the adoption process.

Bottom line is -- until and unless you terminate the parental rights of the biological father you are pretty much going to be handcuffed in whatever you try to do unless you can garner his agreement. 

Again, seek legal counsel. Your state department of children and family services would be a good starting point if financial conditions are an issue.

Good Luck.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

never. . . .this is going to sound like a joke, but I'm not completely joking:  Write to Dr. Phil.  O.k.  he can be kind of obnoxious. . . .but he does seem to want to help people in just your sort of situation and he has the money and the platform to do it. . . it certainly wouldn't hurt to try.  If you get on, the publicity will help shine a bright light on the injustice of the situation.  Plus, perhaps he can put you in touch with a lawyer who can help you. . .and Dr. Phil pays the bill.

Of course, if you write to him, there's no guarantee he'll pick you for a show.  Even if he does, it won't be easy:  I gather he does long interviews with folks partly to determine if they are really serious and figure out if there are other issues they're not even aware of, and also to determine if, really, they just want to get on TV.

Maybe this idea is too 'out there' to even consider. . . .but it's a thought. . . . . . .


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## KindleMom (Dec 11, 2008)

Do you worry about retaliation from bio-father?  With his history of violence I would worry about him coming back when he's released and making you pay in some way for changing DS's name.

I have a nephew in and out of jail but he's not violent.  He just likes to steal things.    I trust him with my kids but not my stuff.    I think having a violent person around would be so scary.  I hope you can terminate all parental rights and then move and hide before he gets released. 

Good luck!  What a sweet mommy you are.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

What Tip10 said is correct.  I believe the only way you are going to accomplish your goal is to have his parental rights terminated.  But keep in mind, he will be brought to Court and asked what his wishes are.  This will NOT happen behind his back.  You need to take some time and sit down and right down every single thing you can remember about your situation - details.  How many times, if any, this man has called or contacted his son, or you concerning his son, over the 7 years.  In Court he will undoubtedly lie his butt off about how involved he's been.  Your attorney will need to be able to argue that point.  Write down as much as you can remember in chronological order.  Did he call on birthdays?  Christmas, Easter?  Did he send cards or gifts?  Did his family send or bring gifts for him while he has been incarcerated?  Has he called to inquire about his health, teething, potty training, his schooling, or any other milestones.  When you find a good attorney give this to him/her so that they have as much information as possible to use in making the request.  
deb


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

DRenee is right, documenting _everything_ will help you.

And I agree with NogDog and Ann that a certain amount of publicity may be the way to go if there are no straightforward legal avenues open to you.

The possibility of retaliation is a scary thought, but we can't give creeps like that the power to intimidate us. Do what you can now, be cautious when you know he coming out, but _don't live in fear_. You already found the strength to leave the guy (and I do know how very difficult that can be when you're afraid of someone). Don't let him win later though intimidation.


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## EllenR (Mar 31, 2009)

I would also add that you can contact your local abuse prevention/victim support organizations for assistance and information. They should have ideas and resources to help. If you are in California, the nearest large city would have the most to offer as far as choices.

Good luck!


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Also, if he makes any threats to you or your family after proceedings begin be sure to call the prison and the prosecutor and report it.
deb


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## marianneg (Nov 4, 2008)

Tip10 said:


> You should be able to petition to terminate the male biological parents rights. This should be doable and I would expect not to terribly difficult to do seeing as how said parent is incarcerated for attempted murder.
> Once parental rights have been terminated you -- as remaining person possessing parental right for the child will be free to petition the court for name change and/or approval of the adoption process.
> 
> Bottom line is -- until and unless you terminate the parental rights of the biological father you are pretty much going to be handcuffed in whatever you try to do unless you can garner his agreement.
> ...


This, 100%. The name shouldn't be your biggest worry; if he's this dangerous you need to try to completely terminate his rights.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

marianner said:


> This, 100%. The name shouldn't be your biggest worry; if he's this dangerous you need to try to completely terminate his rights.


I agree. Since he is violent and will one day get out he may seek a sort of revenge. He will also be mad thinking you in some way influenced or persuaded his DS to change the name. Only causing him to get even more mad. In this case the name change is only par for the course, his rights need to be completely terminated so that he has not a leg to stand on in preperation for what he may want to revenge in the future.

This is not living in fear, but just the oppisite. You are building up weapons with which to protect yourself against him and his evil attacks. Physical,mental and emotional.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Susan in VA said:


> They gave you sole custody?? Then why is there a problem with the name change? Isn't that enough to get it approved??
> 
> And if you already have sole custody, can't his stepdad adopt him?


There are two types of custody (at least in Minnesota); legal custody and physical custody. If Never was given full physical custody, this doesn't mean that the biological father's legal rights were terminated.

Never - I'm grateful you were able to get out of the relationship when you did, that must have been hard for you. I can't give you any advice that hasn't already been mentioned (I like the Dr Phil idea), but I want to wish you the best of luck. My ex-husband walked out of my daughters life when she was two, so I'm well aware of how stressful it can be to deal with a deadbeat dad. My ex was a decent guy, nothing like what you have gone through, so I can't imagine what it has been like for you. Hang in there. You are a great Mom, you and your son will get through it.


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## Bren S. (May 10, 2009)

I hope you can find an answer Never.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Sugar said:


> I hope you can find an answer Never.


Yes i hope so too. I wish that I had more answers or knowledge than what I have already posted. I think alot of the suggestions have been good and may get you a few additional answers. Hopefully!


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## Bren S. (May 10, 2009)

koolmnbv said:


> Yes i hope so too. I wish that I had more answers or knowledge than what I have already posted. I think alot of the suggestions have been good and may get you a few additional answers. Hopefully!


That would be wonderful,and I agree the suggestions have been really good.


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## koolmnbv (Mar 25, 2009)

Please keep us updated never. I will be praying for you throughout this.


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Thank you ev1.  I would love to get his rights terminated.  Dr.Phil would be great but I don't want to be on T.V.  I'm afraid someone he knows will find me, and well as scary as it sounds...eliminate me.  I've moved away, currently he doesn't know where I am...however he has my cell phone number.  I'm praying something will happen without putting my family in danger. He's threatened to kill me before, and he has tried...so I don't put it past him.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Dr Phil will honor your privacy if you feel you might be in danger. . . .just sayin'. . . . .


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

That would be good...maybe I'll write him and see if I get a response.


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## marianneg (Nov 4, 2008)

Neversleepsawink;) said:


> I've moved away, currently he doesn't know where I am...however he has my cell phone number.


Why on earth would you keep that number if he knows it?


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## Shizu (Oct 27, 2008)

marianner said:


> Why on earth would you keep that number if he knows it?


I wonder the same thing. You can be traced, if you have a right connection, by the phone number right?


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Actually it's my brother in laws phone now, I changed my personal number.  If his mom contacted me, my brother in law would tell me.  I don't want her to tell my son that I kept them away from him.  She could of called anytime in the 7 years.  I didn't want him going to the judge saying he had no way of contacting me and thats why he didn't try to be part of my sons life.  My brother in law really needed a phone, and I didn't want the same number anymore...so it's his.  I got rid of the number so I wouldn't have a link to him...however if he or she did call I would know.


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## crca56 (Dec 20, 2008)

good luck, and God bless you and yours


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## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

Thank you ev1.


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