# FUNNY!!: These boards need a good dose of: FUNNY...TAG: You're it!!!



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

We do need some "funny" we are getting a bit stagnant...*OK: Here's my dose of FUNNY:*

*TITLE:* My mother farted; *TWICE!*

*30 years ago:* I was 16 and dating my husband; we came in about 11:30 from a date and my mother had fallen asleep on the couch waiting up for me. I plopped on the floor next to my twin brother who was watching TV; my husband, (then boyfriend) sat spine-straight in my father's chair with his hands folded in his lap. All of a sudden; from the couch....RIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiPPPP... My brother and I were pissing our pants, rolling on the floor, dying laughing, with tears streaming down our faces. My husband was still spine-straight; hands folded in his lap, stone-faced. (He told me once we got married; that he laughed his ass off all the way home *and then some.*)

*"Cut" (pun intended) to:* The next morning: We told my mother what she did. Her response (we laugh to this day) was: "That's it...that boy is not allowed in this house past 10:00!!" My brother and I died laughing and asked; "what's that got to do with the price of *beans*; do you only fart after a certain time?"

*"CUT" to: Last week:* (do show some sympathy; my mother's chemo/radiation meds: effects are wicked):

We felt bad for my mother, who never gets out of the house except for chemo and radiation... Her bloodcount came back good this week: (not supposed to go into public places (low immunities)* So,* (my having had a birthday): We took her to her all time favorite place, the casino. When we were done; we dropped her off at her house; (Hubby driving; Ma passenger seat; me, back seat) *as she got out of the car....RIIIIiiiiPPPP*...My husband (30 years later now) BURST OUT LAUGHING; my mother said ooooh excuse me and said; "ooh good thing you're married now!" (again, the price of _beans_]) My husband and I rode home gasping in laughter, tears dripping down our faces, pissing our pants the whole way home...

(Of course; I called my twin brother the next morning.) God if my mother ever knew I posted this:

*TAG...You're IT...POST YOUR FAVORITE FUNNY* within reason...


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## Kathy (Nov 5, 2008)

When I was 16 I decided it was time for my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. I had to visit grandma and I wasn't going alone. She had just got out of the hospital after having gallbladder surgery. This was in the days that you were cut. We get there and she is in her pjs and as soon as we sat down she says "_*want to see my scar*_" and proceeds to lift up her top to show us. My boyfriend turned white, then red. She wasn't wearing a bra and after having 12 children wasn't exactly perky anymore so both boobs are hanging down to her waist. I couldn't wait to get out of there because I didn't dare start laughing until we got out to the car.

When my grandparents got older my grandfather didn't want to stop driving. They were crossing a busy road and were hit on the passenger side door. When everyone gets to the hospital all you can hear in the emergency room was my grandfather yelling at my grandmother *This is all your fault, you weren't looking your way for cars*. They had a system, he looked left and she was suppose to look to the right. He was furious because he knew he would loose his driver's license.

One more....
Again, I'm sixteen and I had double-booked a date. Both boys show up at the house at the same time. Very awkward. I'm sitting there trying to figure out what to do, when my Dad comes out of the bedroom carrying one of his spare artificial legs and tells them the most serious voice *This is what happened to the last boyfriend that tried to get fresh with my daughter*. They both left and didn't ask me out again, but it was so worth it to see the look on both of their faces. We all had a great laugh.


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## KBoards Admin (Nov 27, 2007)

SJC:  stagnant? I don't think so! But we have changed a bit, and will continue to change as new members join and the occasional member decides to leave.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Lol.  I like the boob one.  My father had 7 sisters and not one of them was less than a double D and then some.  They all but 1 lived into their 80's; needless to say:  they could tuck their boobs into their socks.


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## Wheezie (Oct 28, 2008)

My grandmother's boobs were massive too, and also down to her waist and beyond. If I was acting up as a little kid she would grab one and try to whack me sideways with one of them. 
But that might be a better story to tell a shrink instead of the K board. 



sjc said:


> Lol. I like the boob one. My father had 7 sisters and not one of them was less than a double D and then some. They all but 1 lived into their 80's; needless to say: they could tuck their boobs into their socks.


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

ARGHHH

What a boring life I have led


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Harvey:  Less stagnant if you share your funny story...


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## Sweety18 (Feb 14, 2009)

I agree, Harvey needs to share a funny story.  Maybe a funny home video with his helmet cam?


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

After being married for 24 years I was divorced and back on the dating scene.  My two teenage children and I were at the mall shopping one evening and decided to get some pizza at the food court.  The man waiting on us was very cute and I was attempting to be my "charming" self.  My kids got their pizza and went to sit down, and left me to pay.  I was chatting away and I pull my wallet out of my purse and hold it up to get out my money, and what do I find laying in the fold; a tampon.  He couldn't miss it.  I quietly paid for our pizza and sat down with my kids, with my back to the counter of course.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Dreneee:  Better a tampon than a condom; sort of...lol.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

If I had had a condom at least he would have known I was available for ---- never mind.


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## lynninva (Feb 7, 2009)

SJC & Kathy,
You certainly provided us with a good dose of funny!  I was laughing so hard reading your posts that my husband thought I had lost it.

I told him he had to read these - I couldn't stop laughing to read them to him.  Needless to say, he had the same reaction I did.

Laughter is supposed to be great medicine for stress relief.  So after a hectic week at work, this thread has been very refreshing.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

About seeing peoples body parts that you shouldn't...

My dad was recently in the hospital and was wearing one of those infamous hospital gowns.  Unfortunately I saw things that will forever be burned into my retinas.  But on the other hand, he was pretty impressive and he has a darn good butt for an 83 year old!

I'm going to need therapy.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

kim said:


> About seeing peoples body parts that you shouldn't...
> 
> My dad was recently in the hospital and was wearing one of those infamous hospital gowns. Unfortunately I saw things that will forever be burned into my retinas. But on the other hand, he was pretty impressive and he has a darn good butt for an 83 year old!
> 
> I'm going to need therapy.


I'm choking I'm laughing so hard.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

So, I was getting a facial this morning...

As the procedure was going on, we were chatting about this and that and the esthetician -- I'll call her Sharon, because that's her name -- was chatting about her esthetician friend Jane down in Florida. Apparently Jane has developed a lucrative waxing business and a big part of her clientele are male strippers -- who want to be waxed everywhere. Sharon is freaking out about this. "Men! Men!" she says, "I can't imagine giving them a Brazilian!"

Then in the next minute, she tells me she is gearing up for the summer season when she'll be "very busy." "Oh," I ask innocently, "why are you busy in the summer?" Turns out she has a large clientele of cyclists (male) who want to be waxed -- get ready for it -- everywhere. Arms, legs, underarms, chests, backs, and...yes, the other place. Apparently on cyclists it's not called a Brazilian so it's...not the same? Not as embarrassing for the esthestician? You tell me. I'm still trying to figure this one out.

L


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Leslie said:


> So, I was getting a facial this morning...
> 
> As the procedure was going on, we were chatting about this and that and the esthetician -- I'll call her Sharon, because that's her name -- was chatting about her esthetician friend Jane down in Florida. Apparently Jane has developed a lucrative waxing business and a big part of her clientele are male strippers -- who want to be waxed everywhere. Sharon is freaking out about this. "Men! Men!" she says, "I can't imagine giving them a Brazilian!"
> 
> ...


huh? I'm quite curious. I have a friend who is a triathlete, I'll have to ask him


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

kim said:


> huh? I'm quite curious. I have a friend who is a triathlete, I'll have to ask him


Yes, find out if they like to be waxed smooth all over. I am still pondering this (sort of imagining the look, too, and kind of liking it...  )


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Leslie said:


> Yes, find out if they like to be waxed smooth all over. I am still pondering this (sort of imagining the look, too, and kind of liking it...  )


I started surfing the net for something... This is about their legs, not their 'privates', but I still thought it was funny.

Responding to why men shave: 
Showing off rippling thighs doesn't hurt, either. Nor does the feeling of fresh bed sheets on clean calves, admitted one male shaver. And after a day of cycling, a self-massage on smooth thighs is irresistible, according to Steve Madden of Bicycling magazine.

self-massage? So that's what it's called now?


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

kim said:


> self-massage? So that's what it's called now?


I guess. And getting waxed in the you-know-where area is not a Brazilian if you are cyclist, too.

Where's Lance Armstrong when we need him? LOL


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Leslie said:


> Yes, find out if they like to be waxed smooth all over. I am still pondering this (sort of imagining the look, too, and kind of liking it...  )


Kind of?


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

drenee said:


> Kind of?


Well, okay, liking it alot. 

Back to Sharon...she said, "I can't imagine if a big, hairy guy came in and wanted to be waxed there!" and I said, "Well, I don't think it's the big hairy guys who want to be waxed to begin with. It's more the of the...you know which kind of guys..." LOL

She's usually so circumspect in our conversations. Her friend Jane must have really set her off.

L


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Reminds me of The 40 Year old Virgin. . . . . .Clearly Steve Carrell is fairly hirsute and he really did let them do the waxing thing on his chest.  Geez, even in the movie you could see it was bleeding. . . he said on some talk show that he was totally NOT acting when he screamed in pain!

Ann


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Ann in Arlington (KindleBoardsInmate #65) said:


> Reminds me of The 40 Year old Virgin. . . . . .Clearly Steve Carrell is fairly hirsute and he really did let them do the waxing thing on his chest. Geez, even in the movie you could see it was bleeding. . . he said on some talk show that he was totally NOT acting when he screamed in pain!
> 
> Ann


That scene was torture. I've talked to people (waxers) who said they'd never even do it that way. First, a guy with a good looking hairy chest like that -- they'd try to talk him out of a waxing. If the guy insisted, they'd trim it with scissors first, then do the actual waxing in small patches, not huge chunks of hair all at once.

L


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## Dori (Oct 28, 2008)

I set up a Facebook profile looking for classmates.  Found none for the class of 1950.


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## Dori (Oct 28, 2008)

Went through the drive through and got a milkshake.  At the window the girl asks me if I need ketchup and salt.


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Dori said:


> Went through the drive through and got a milkshake. At the window the girl asks me if I need ketchup and salt.


Did the same thing nearly. Ordered a cheeseburger and was asked if I wanted cheese on that!


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

I went through a drive-thru one early morning, ordered a bacon biscuit.  Not the bacon, egg, cheese.  Just simply the bacon biscuit.  I got a few miles down the road and I had a biscuit with a cold piece of cheese.  Idiots.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Dori said:


> Went through the drive through and got a milkshake. At the window the girl asks me if I need ketchup and salt.


Dori , I haven't seen you on KB much lately... Welcome back, you've been missed!

Just last night I ordered takeout over the phone, gave him my credit card number, he asked for the expiration date, the next thing out of his mouth was "Do you want to pay for that with cash or credit".

No wonder he's at Jimmy John's instead of Yale.


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

drenee said:


> I went through a drive-thru one early morning, ordered a bacon biscuit. Not the bacon, egg, cheese. Just simply the bacon biscuit. I got a few miles down the road and I had a biscuit with a cold piece of cheese. Idiots.


It is sad to realize that many of the people at those places are as high as they will ever go in the work force.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

It is sad.  And I guess it's my own fault.  I know that this particular drive-thru is known for not putting into the bag what you actually order.  One of my friends went through a few months ago and said just put whatever you want in the bag that totals 5.00, that's what you're going to do anyway.  They were offended until he explained that he never got what he ordered anyway, so why bother ordering anything.  LOL.  I think he got a chat with the manager after that, and maybe some coupons.


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## revgroucho (Mar 18, 2009)

intinst (or 1204 if you prefer) said:


> Did the same thing nearly. Ordered a cheeseburger and was asked if I wanted cheese on that!


I don't like lettuce and tomatoes on burgers. I just don't. So I was at Chili's a couple weeks back and ordered a bacon cheeseburger. "But," I said, "I only want ketchup on it." Meaning: No lettuce; no tomatoes. "So," asked the waitress, "Do you want the bacon on it?" And I thought: If I didn't want bacon, I wouldn't have ordered a BACON cheeseburger.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

revgroucho said:


> I don't like lettuce and tomatoes on burgers. I just don't. So I was at Chili's a couple weeks back and ordered a bacon cheeseburger. "But," I said, "I only want ketchup on it." Meaning: No lettuce; no tomatoes. "So," asked the waitress, "Do you want the bacon on it?" And I thought: If I didn't want bacon, I wouldn't have ordered a BACON cheeseburger.


I hate to say this, but I know where this waitress is coming from. I worked at McDonalds when I was in high school (eons ago) and when someone ordered a "plain hamburger, ya know with nothing on it" they got exactly that, a regular hamburger with the bun and pattie (no ketchup, mustard, onion, pickle). You would be surprised how many people would get cranky at you because it didn't have one of those things on it. To many people "nothing on it" really meant "I want a hamburger, not a big mac"

In some cases you can't blame your waitstaff for being idiots, they sometimes have to ask stupid questions because they get stupid customers.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Hello, Dori! Welcome back! Glad to see you again!

L


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

I worked at McDonald's a million years ago, too. It was my first job. 

There was this nice looking man who came in about once a week and ordered a cheeseburger, french fries and a coke, an a plain filet o'fish sandwich. In those days, the filet o'fish sandwiches were the longest thing to cook in the store and so a "grill" (special order) filet always took awhile and the guy knew he'd have to wait. But he didn't complain, just ordered the sandwich every time and stood there patiently while it was prepared.

One day, my "grill" came up and I went to wrap it (the counter people wrapped the sandwiches then...do they do that anymore? I won't get into the fact that we handled money and handled food) and I looked at it and saw they had put a piece of cheese on it. No tartar sauce but there was cheese. I took it to the customer, explained what had happened and said we'd make another one but it would be another 5-7 minute wait.

He just smiled and said, "That's okay. The dog will have to eat the cheese this time." LOL.

L


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Leslie said:


> I worked at McDonald's a million years ago, too. It was my first job.
> 
> There was this nice looking man who came in about once a week and ordered a cheeseburger, french fries and a coke, an a plain filet o'fish sandwich. In those days, the filet o'fish sandwiches were the longest thing to cook in the store and so a "grill" (special order) filet always took awhile and the guy knew he'd have to wait. But he didn't complain, just ordered the sandwich every time and stood there patiently while it was prepared.
> 
> ...


ROTFLMFAO - I'm not sure why, but that one really struck me funny.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

I also worked at McDonald's in high school. . . . gee, we could have a club. . . ex-McD's counter help who made good!  

In a related story:  we had a friend once who didn't like vegetables on his burgers.  I think it was a Burger King we were at and he had a coupon for a free Whopper.  Usually he just got a cheeseburger, but he had the coupon, see.  But he didn't want all the veggies which he patiently explained to the cashier.  She said, 'but that's just a cheesburger." and try to ring it up that way.  (She was probably a little smarter than average to have even realized that much!)  He said, "I know, but I don't want a cheeseburger, I want a Whopper without the veggies."  He had to get a manager over to explain why he didn't want to BUY a cheesburger when he had a coupon for a FREE Whopper.  The manager wasn't keen on it, but allowed as how they had to give it to him -- this was when BK had their "have it your way" slogan all over the place.  It was funny. . . .but sad at the same time.

Ann


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## ConnieK (Jan 7, 2009)

intinst (or 1204 if you prefer) said:


> It is sad to realize that many of the people at those places are as high as they will ever go in the work force.


It's also quite patronizing.


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

Dori said:


> Went through the drive through and got a milkshake. At the window the girl asks me if I need ketchup and salt.


Woah! Its been awhile. Hi Dori!


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

Dori said:


> Went through the drive through and got a milkshake. At the window the girl asks me if I need ketchup and salt.


You mean you don't put ketchup in your milkshakes


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Anju - No. 469 said:


> You mean you don't put ketchup in your milkshakes


Only when she has a burger milkshake. Ketchup in vanilla? Not so good.

L


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## Linda Cannon-Mott (Oct 28, 2008)

Dori said:


> Went through the drive through and got a milkshake. At the window the girl asks me if I need ketchup and salt.


I have missed you wit and sense of humor! Welcome back Dori!!


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Had a friend in college who had to have her jaw wired shut for a week or so. . . some dental thing. . . .she drank burger shakes, and pizza shakes.  Said the taste was there, but she really missed the texture. . . . .

Ann


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## Dori (Oct 28, 2008)

My favorite eatery is Culvers Custard and Butterburgers, many of the employees know me.  They often ask  what is it today,  a kids meal, or the senior discount.


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## pomlover2586 (Feb 14, 2009)

I ordered a salad at MCD's a few days ago and got asked "do you want fries with that?" OMG.............


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## pomlover2586 (Feb 14, 2009)

OOO OOO Then there was the time I ordered [Same MCD] a Double Cheeseburger........and they asked me if I wanted cheese? Hello...._Cheese_burger


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

pomlover2586 said:


> I ordered a salad at MCD's a few days ago and got asked "do you want fries with that?" OMG.............


I don't see anything wrong with this. Fries go with everything!


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## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

kim said:


> I don't see anything wrong with this. Fries go with everything!


especially soft serve ice cream


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## pomlover2586 (Feb 14, 2009)

LOL fries dipped in soft serve ice cream rock!


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Fries and a chocolate milkshake.  Guys, we cannot start this again.  It took all of my energy not to go buy a burger somewhere yesterday.  I'm very susceptible to the power of suggestion.  
deb


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

drenee said:


> Fries and a chocolate milkshake. Guys, we cannot start this again. It took all of my energy not to go buy a burger somewhere yesterday. I'm very susceptible to the power of suggestion.
> deb


I guess we need to switch to a non food related funny then....

L


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Leslie said:


> I guess we need to switch to a non food related funny then....
> 
> L


That might open up dangerous territory, but at least it will keep me away from fried, greasy foods. 
deb


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

drenee said:



> That might open up dangerous territory, but at least it will keep me away from fried, greasy foods.
> deb


You know, the good stuff


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

intinst (or 1204 if you prefer) said:


> You know, the good stuff


I know, I know, I know. I do very well most of the time, eating salads, veggies, fruits. But once in a while you need a good burgery and fries. Or hot dog, if they're good ones, and fries. And I've already had my dose of fries for the month. Great fresh hand cut fries...oh my. 
deb


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

Just don't put ketchup in your milkshake you are having with your fries, unless it is a burger shake


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Leslie said:


> I guess we need to switch to a non food related funny then....
> 
> L


Ok... but I really don't think we should go back to my Dad's anatomy. [shudder]


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

^^agreed.


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## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

L


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## luvmy4brats (Nov 9, 2008)

Leslie said:


> In Memoriam
> 
> With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
> 
> L


<snort> Good one Leslie!


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Leslie said:


> In Memoriam
> 
> With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
> 
> L


<Groan>


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

That is sick... but I'm snickering


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## Marguerite (Jan 18, 2009)

My daughter was shopping with her God mother when she was about three. They  were buying a present for me which meant that it had to be wrapped before I saw it.  The sales lady was trying to include Mary so she when it was time to hold the ribbon tight she said, "give me your finger".  My daughter got huge eyes, put her hands behind her back and said loudly, "NO, I need it"


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

My friend and her son were shopping at Target, he was around 3 years old and starting to discover his body.  Just as they get up to the cashier at the checkout lane, he loudly and proudly states "hey, Mom, wanna see my pen*s.  It's big"  

At the time, she didn't think it was very funny.


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## Linda Cannon-Mott (Oct 28, 2008)

Two of my granddaughters are Kelsea who is 13 and Cannon is 10. About 7 years ago Cannon said something, it started with " Oh God." Kelsea quickly turned to me and said, "Nina, Cannon took the Lord's name in sane." I still get a chuckle out of that everytime I think about it.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Linda Cannon-Mott said:


> "Nina, Cannon took the Lord's name in sane."


haha - That's a cute one. [chuckle, chuckle]


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## Linda Cannon-Mott (Oct 28, 2008)

Another grands funny. Dillan is 14 but when he had just started talking well enough to understand he could not pronounce anything that started with the letter T. He would use an F.

He would say, "Nina I want Papa to pick me up in his big f***. " My daughter and I were in Wendy's one day with him and 2 o 3 big fire trucks came flying by with the sirens blaring. Dillan was so excited and he kept on saying, "Mommy look at the big fire F***." Nina look at the big fire f***! My daughter and I got so tickled we grabbed our food and left. We kept saying hush Dillan but the little guy was too excited. 

Boy he would be upset with Nina if he knew she was posting this for everyone to see!


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## KimmyA (Dec 11, 2008)

Most of the funnies at my house involve my five year old daughter. 

1) she told me she had to stinky and said one of the pieces didn't want to play in the pool with his friends.

2) we were in church talking to some people - this was after the service  - and she was going around the pews saying something. It sounded at first like she was saying faster. After listening more carefully, we realized she was saying bastard. I honestly don't know where she heard that word. 

3) she tried to call my parents and I asked her what did she hear. She said 'i don't know mama, I can't read'.


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## Kathy (Nov 5, 2008)

When I was around 14 years old, my mother and her sister always took my sisters, cousins and I to Padre Island for a week. My sisters and I were older, but my aunt's 2 boys were 3 and 6. The hotel we stayed at didn't charge for children under the age of 3, so all the way there my mother and aunt tutored Donnie on his age. They kept telling him that if anyone asked that he was only 2 and they would hold up 2 fingers. When we got to the hotel, we were checking in and the lady at the desk leaned over and asked Donnie how old he was. He looks up at her and says "yesterday I was dis many (holding up 3 fingers), but today I'm only dis many (holding up 2 fingers)". Needless to say, but my mother and my aunt wanted to fade away quietly and the lady at the desk was laughing so hard she was crying. We didn't get charged for him. I guess she got such a kick out of it she took pity on them.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

My kids were about 3, 4 and 9 and had just come home from a week long visit with my parents. The following weekend came around and they kept asking me to take them to the Fairy Princess; Pap took us to the Fairy Princess. I asked several times trying to clarify what they were talking about. All three insisted that Pap had taken them to the Fairy Princess. I finally made the long distance call and asked my dad, where did you take the kids. He informed me that they had went to my Aunt Christine's and the Dairy Queen. 
deb


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

My grandson was visiting me early last summer and he wanted to go to McDonald's to play on the playground.  He played for about an hour and was so engrossed with the other children that he neglected to ask me to take him to the restroom.  Needless to say, he wet his pants.  Since McDonald's is only about a half a block from my house I slipped his pants and underpants off so they wouldn't get his carseat all wet.  And then I only buckled the top strap because the bottom strap would have been too tight between his bare legs.  I park in front of my house, walk around the car, open up the back door, and he says, look Mimi, it gets bigger!  
He had to pick my week to learn that trick.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Drenee: ROTFLMAO!!
My daughter is thin but is extremely _top-heavy_ (she begs me for reduction) anyway, my niece was about 5 and said to my daughter: "Shayla, why you broken?" My daughter replied, "I'm not broken; what do you mean broken?" My niece got her index finger; poked it into my daughters cleavage and said: "You broken because you cracked." We died laughing and still do from time to time.


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## Dori (Oct 28, 2008)

Today my 9 yr old Gr8 nephew said he can't wait for April. (his birthday month)  I said I am in no hurry for April as I go to the doctor on April 1st.
He replied, well if he says you need surgery maybe it is a joke.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Dori:  lol.  Welcome back.


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

At one point in my checkered college career I was an elementary education major taking methods classes. The professor told us this story:

At one point, a parent came in complaining loudly to a teacher about what she was teaching in arithmetic. The teacher was confused.

The father said, "At night, when my daughter is doing her addition, she says, 1 plus 1, the son of a b*tch is 2. 1 + 2, the son of a ***** is 3....[you get the idea]." The parent went on, "What on earth are you thinking?"

The teacher was puzzled for a few minutes and the light dawned. She had been saying "1 + 1, the sum of which is 2." The student simply thought the teacher was saying something obviously more familiar to the student.... The moral for us was to be careful in the language we used with students. 

Betsy


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Betsy:  That's a hoot.

HARVEY:  Still waiting for your funny story!!

How many others are waiting for Harvey's funny story??


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

You have to start a chant:

Harvey Harvey Harvey Harvey Harvey! HARVEY! HARVEY! HARVEY!

Betsy


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

*HaRvEy*
hArVeY
*harvey*
HARVEY
*H A R V E Y*
(Har-vee)

Maybe he's just trying to think of his BEST funny story because he has tons of them.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Bump.  Haaaaarvvvvvy....


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Harvey just has funny picutres:  Have you seen him in his helmet cam?

Ann


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## PJ (Feb 25, 2009)

Okay I have two funny stories:

One:
I have a sister 18 months younger than I am. When she was about 3 we went to a funeral with my mother. The person who had died was relatively young so it was quite a somber event. My sister and I had never been to funeral before so we were told that we had to be very quiet and behave like we did in church (We went to church every week and sat in the 2nd pew and my mother always told us if we misbehaved everyone would see that we were bad girls. She was pro at guilt ) Now you have to know that my sister always had an odd interest in bathrooms. Everywhere we ever went she had to visit the bathroom, and heaven knows nobody needs to go that much. The funeral parlor was no exception. The bathroom was apparently quite lavish with marble and shiny fixtures. Upon returning from her scouting foray my sister in a whisper, one of those child's whispers which may as well be on a loud speaker, "Mommy, God's got beautiful toilets!". Needless to say despite the somber tone of the event people got quite a chuckle out of it (although I'm sure my mother wanted to melt into the woodwork).

Two:
Several years ago probably 8-9 years now my sister and my niece were playing Trivial Pursuit. My niece who was 14 or 15 at the time picked a card and read the question for my sister, giggling all the while "What is the largest _orgasm _ in the world". My sister of course said "WHAT??" and then asked me to take the card and read the actual question. At this point we were all laughing. So I read the question "What is the largest _organism_ in the world". The answer sequoia. To this day all it takes is someone saying sequoia and we start giggling again.


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## frojazz (Feb 10, 2009)

This is too much fun!!

I was visiting my parents a few years ago, and my mum asked me if I would try some of her lotion.  I said, "Sure," thinking it had a really good smell or was exceptionally moisturizing or something like that.  It looked like a regular bottle, but she was looking at me intently so I pumped some into my hand and started rubbing it in.  After a bit, she asked me, "Does it smell like butt to you?"  OMG!!!!  It DID!!!  Now anytime I'm at her house, I always ask before I use any lotion if it is butt lotion first.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

frojazz...too funny.


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## Aravis60 (Feb 18, 2009)

I once had a student (who was serious by the way) ask if the plural of "sheep" was "goats".


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

This is a great thread.  I'm enjoying everyone's stories, and they remind me of some I had forgotten.

deb


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Aravis60 said:


> I once had a student (who was serious by the way) ask if the plural of "sheep" was "goats".


[chuckle, chuckle] I hope this was an elementary kid and not a college kid. (kid = meaning child, not baby goat)


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## Aravis60 (Feb 18, 2009)

kim said:


> [chuckle, chuckle] I hope this was an elementary kid and not a college kid. (kid = meaning child, not baby goat)


lol..it was an elementary student.


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## paisley (Nov 24, 2008)

Okay, I've got one for you. I used to work as a bank manager many years ago (mid 90s), and it was amazing, the sorts of things I would see. One day, this cute and charming lady came in and sat at my desk. She looked to be about 60 or thereabouts, and she had been bouncing a lot of checks recently. "I don't understand why I keep bouncing checks!" she said, none too happy. So together we looked up her account to see what the problem was. We tried to determine a cause for her balance being less than she expected--maybe a direct deposit hadn't been credited in time, or maybe a $100 check had been incorrectly encoded for $1000 instead. Things happen, and by that point, I had seen it all.

I knew something was up when she kept saying, "But I still have checks in my checkbook."

Huh?

"I still have checks in my checkbook!" she repeated yet again.

This lady actually thought that if she still _physically_ had checks in her checkbook, she could still write checks. I'm not sure what she was thinking: perhaps somehow, in some magic way, her checks would--poof!--disappear if her account balance became zero, then magically reappear when she had money. (Which actually sounds like a scene from Harry Potter ).

Anyway, I refunded her fees and she still seemed a little confused--it's possible she was beginning to have dementia or something, but she seemed coherent in other ways. All I could do was refund her fees and encourage her to keep her register updated with transactions. (I refunded lots of bounced check fees, actually. I was authorized to refund up to $1,000 in fees per customer at my discretion. It was actually a fun part of my job: making people happy with reversed fees. LOL).


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Lisa, that is a bittersweet story.  I guess you were her fairy godmother.  Hopefully her family recognized the signs as well and were able to help her. 
deb


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## PJ (Feb 25, 2009)

Maybe her husband had closely controlled the money and when he died she was left clueless.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Imagine if that were the way a checkbook really worked?...lol. I'd be one happy camper.



> This is a great thread. I'm enjoying everyone's stories, and they remind me of some I had forgotten.


Thanks. I've had a fun time reading the different stories. You are right; I find I keep recalling stuff that I too, have long forgotten.

Butt lotion was a hoot.

HARVEY...Where are you? We are all waiting for your story...lol.


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## rscarlett (Feb 23, 2009)

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action
was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity
of my patented "You're definitely going to **** yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of
your *** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2".. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that some one was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal a**plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofab***h!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. B***ards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


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## B-Kay 1325 (Dec 29, 2008)

Since I wasn't in the store I think this story is hilarious!!!  Might I suggest a milder chili in the future, it might keep you out of court.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

I'd love to see the prosecutor keep a straight face while he presents that one to the court.  LOL.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

rscarlett:  ROTFLMAO!!!  All I can say is holy sh** literally!!  

My mother and I were at home depot once and the salesman helping us blasted twice.  My mother and I were shocked and she was getting the heaves.  The third blast; he said, "Oh well, wherever you may be, let your air blow free!"  Neither of us has been to the depot since.  A salesman!!


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## Kathy (Nov 5, 2008)

There should have been a warning before reading this story. I'm sitting here laughing and happy that no one is around to look at me like I'm crazy. You shouldn't be allowed to leave your house for a couple of days after eating that chili.


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

Rscarlett - I've heard that story before! But it is still funny and I can believe it really happened to someone , even you LOL  I'm sitting here laughing (if I had sprite would be snorting ) and my DH is dying to know why, but won't read it himself - his problem not mine


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

My son told me a funny story yesterday.  
The other day his wife had made some frozen french fries in the oven.  She bit into a very hot one and burnt her mouth.  She posted about it on her facebook page and my son read it from work on his Iphone.  But...he read "I sat on a very hot french fry".  He called her at home and said, why are you sitting on french fries; why do you not have clothes on; and if you don't have clothes on while cooking, the boys better be at your moms.  She was completely confused because she bit a fry, and did not sit on a fry.  Of course, they finally cleared up the fact that he was scanning the page and had read it wrong.


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## rscarlett (Feb 23, 2009)

Anju No. 469 said:


> Rscarlett - I've heard that story before!


Anju....YOU'RE RIGHT! I'm busted!!

I received that joke in an email a few months ago and laughed harder than I have in a long time. I even laughed hard as I read it again when posting it here.

Now...for a related bit of humor that really did happen to me....

I was attending a prayer breakfast a few years ago. It was a long affair with many speakers, etc. At one point, when the meal was about to be served, one of the pastors in attendance quieted the room to say grace. There was probably about 500 people in the room. We all closed our eyes and bowed our heads.

An older gentleman must have thought that was a good time to make a quick exit from the room, so he began to walk in and around all the tables in the hall on his way to the exit. As he did so...when there was perfect silence in this room of many people, he began to pass gas with each step he took. You could count his footsteps because each one was accompanied by a clearly audible BRRRRRPPP!

I don't know how the people kept it together...I was certainly blowing a gasket trying not to laugh. The old man must have been hard of hearing or else he would have stopped walking and waited until the room noise resumed after the prayer. Now THAT's a prayer experience that will forever be in the back of my mind.


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## Linda Cannon-Mott (Oct 28, 2008)

ROTFL   First time I heard it rscarlett. Ohhhhh I needed that laugh!!


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## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

rscarlett said:


> Anju....YOU'RE RIGHT! I'm busted!!
> 
> I received that joke in an email a few months ago and laughed harder than I have in a long time. I even laughed hard as I read it again when posting it here.
> 
> ...


actually I like this one better, well sorta! Living in an area where there are lots and lots of old "farts" I can just see this happening!


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## tecwritr (Oct 28, 2008)

When I was around 14 I came home from school, walked into my bedroom and was confronted with my entire Playboy and Penthouse collection laying on the bed.  I thought I'd hidden them where no one could find them.  I waited for 3 days to get yelled at.  My mother never said a word.

I never had the "sex" talk with my parents.  When I was leaving for a college that was out of town my mother simply said "keep your pants zipped up".  On the drive up my dad said "I know you know all about sex, just be careful."  I didn't pay attention to either one.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

tecwritr said:


> When I was around 14 I came home from school, walked into my bedroom and was confronted with my entire Playboy and Penthouse collection laying on the bed. I thought I'd hidden them where no one could find them. I waited for 3 days to get yelled at. My mother never said a word.


I used the same tactic with my kids. I figured they would drive themselves nuts wondering what I was going to say. 
Funny story. Thanks for sharing.
deb


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## Linda Cannon-Mott (Oct 28, 2008)

tecwritr said:


> When I was around 14 I came home from school, walked into my bedroom and was confronted with my entire Playboy and Penthouse collection laying on the bed. I thought I'd hidden them where no one could find them. I waited for 3 days to get yelled at. My mother never said a word.
> 
> I never had the "sex" talk with my parents. When I was leaving for a college that was out of town my mother simply said "keep your pants zipped up". On the drive up my dad said "I know you know all about sex, just be careful." I didn't pay attention to either one.


LOL Cute story!! Love the last comment tecwritr.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

> [I never had the "sex" talk with my parents. When I was leaving for a college that was out of town my mother simply said "keep your pants zipped up". On the drive up my dad said "I know you know all about sex, just be careful." I didn't pay attention to either one./quote]
> My Uncle Ben used to say to his 2 sons: "Keep your hands in your pockets and your thing in its socket."


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## rscarlett (Feb 23, 2009)

This time I'll come clean from the start and admit that this did not happen to me....it is yet another joke that I got through an email.  Hope you enjoy...

- - - - - - - - - 

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a  stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end  with  my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them.
I picked out...a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and I threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That  was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --  strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.


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## KBoards Admin (Nov 27, 2007)

Okay, sjc has put tremendous pressure on me, so I am not even going to attempt a joke!! But this little story explains one of the "inside" jokes that our family likes to laugh about. 

When my girls were in elementary school, they would occasionally take the bus to and from school. In their early grades, the bus drivers had a rule that kids would not be let off the bus unless their parents were waiting for them. 

As I usually work from my home office, it sometimes fell to me to be the one to be there for the girls at the schoolbus stop. The stop is right down a steep hill from our house. 

Like some other dads, I can be forgetful, or get caught up in a project of one sort or another, and completely lose track of time. So, when my girls were in 1st grade, they and their mama would carefully explain to me when I needed to be at the bus stop. I would hear a short but very serious lecture about this most mornings. 

Well, all too many afternoons I would get engrossed in some activity and completely forget about the bus stop. And if I missed them, the driver would take them all the way back to the school, whereupon I would get a call from the secretary. And I would race to the school to pick them up, both of them usually splotchy-faced from crying by that point.  

One winter afternoon, I was on a conference call and suddenly realized I was again missing my bus stop duties. I hung up, threw on my snowboots, and as I dashed to our driveway I could hear the rumbling of the approaching bus. I sprinted down the hill, full out, and - just as the bus was slowing - my feet shot out from under me, and in spectacular fashion I executed a full-out backplant on the icy pavement. 

At the dinner table that night, Sarah related the story. "The bus slowed down, and we couldn't see Papa. Everyone on the bus was looking for him, too. We both started crying and hugging each other. And then we looked up and, BLOW IN THE HOLD, here comes Papa! Running as fast as he can until we see him wipe out."

Carrie and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Sarah had misheard the expression "lo and behold". Now, whenever our family wants to point out something mildly surprising, we exclaim "Blow in the hold!". It's become one of our sayings that makes no sense other than it reminds us of a shared memory.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

Thank you, Harvey.  That is too cute.  
deb


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## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Well Harvey, sounds like there was a reason your daughter said that you fall not unoften in your helmet cam story.


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## KBoards Admin (Nov 27, 2007)

^ Ha! I guess that is true!!


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## B-Kay 1325 (Dec 29, 2008)

Rscarlett, you totally had me with the first story, so even without your disclaimer on the second one I was not buying it. LOL  

Harvey, I thought your story was very cute and I imagine far too often a repeated senario by many parents.  I love the way children will repeat something they hear and totally come up with something different.


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## Kathy (Nov 5, 2008)

Harvey's story reminds me of what my youngest daughter said around the dinner table at a get-together at my mother-in-laws. We were all sitting eating and talking when someone told my father-in-law that he was getting forgetful. Rhonda looks up and asks her granddad "are you getting that oldtimers disease" meaning lzheimer. We all looked at each knowing it shouldn't be funny but we just couldn't help but crack up laughing.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

*Harvey: I will think of you every time I hear the phrase lo and behold. Thanks for sharing!! *

I have a similar case where my son, while in 1st grade, (now in second year of college) innocently, repeated an Italian swear my father often says:

They were studying about the "Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria" and my son raised his hand proudly and said, "Oooh I know all about Gesu', Giuseppe, Santa Maria...my Papa yells about them all the time." That...was my father, now 82, taking the Lord's name (and then some) in vein in Italian, (Jesus, Joseph and Mary)!!

My son's teacher had tears in her eyes that day when I picked him up from school. She was Italian and knew exactly what he was driving at. (She taught him the "correct pronounciation.) She said she laughed in the teacher's lounge through her whole lunch period...when she told the other teachers, they too were in hysterics. Out of the mouths of babes.


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## cat616 (Nov 4, 2008)

Dori said:


> I set up a Facebook profile looking for classmates. Found none for the class of 1950.


Dori, I LOVE your humor. Thanks for the laugh!


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Dori:  I too, love your humor.  Don't ever change...glad you are posting again.


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## kevindorsey (Mar 4, 2009)

That's a pretty funny story, thanks for sharing.


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## lb505 (Feb 23, 2009)

My father, well known for napping at every church opportunity, agreed to be the confirmation sponsor to one of the boys in my 8th grade class.  The prep for these activities took place during the winter of 8th grade.  During one of these evening practice/prayer sessions, they gave each of the sponsors a very long, thin candle with a paper wax catcher on the bottom.  There was some sort of ceremonial candle lighting which ended up with everyone kneeling in the pews with the lit candles when we were finished.  Of course the coordinator of the activity didn't know my father's need to nap would coincide with the candle lighting ceremony.  While my father was kneeling there holding his candle, he started to nod off.  The candle he was holding drooped forward and started burning the fur edged parka hood of the boy in the pew on front of him (think 70's parkas). 

Nobody was hurt, no serious damage was done.  Just another typical church event with dad.


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

I posted this story on Harvey's Hiking and Climbing thread, but I think it fits better here...

Last summer I took my niece and nephew geocaching.  We were along the Mississippi River fairly close to a boat landing when my 8 year old nephew headed into some trees to find the cache.  He found it and emerged from the trees as proud as could be.  It dawned on me that these where the closest good sized trees to the boat landing and the boat landing didn't have a restroom/port-a-potty.  Zach must have been down on the ground looking for the cache, when he came out of the trees his pants where covered in poo.  He was so focused on getting that cache that he never noticed that someone had used that tree as their own little outhouse.  Of course the little furry dog went with him, yuck, all over her long fur.

Twenty minutes, a bottle of water, a bunch of paper towels, and a package of wet wipes later they were allowed to get in the car (with the windows down).

Needless to say, he didn't want to go geocaching with me anymore.


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## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

*Sequoia

This thread is a hoot *


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Chynared:  I'm having a blast...lol.  The stories are very enlightening.  In these tough times; we all need a good dose of laughter.


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## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

sjc said:


> Chynared: I'm having a blast...lol. The stories are very enlightening. In these tough times; we all need a good dose of laughter.


*Absolutely....certainly brought my spirits up 

Who knew that the largest orgasm, um organism is a sequoia?? I'll never look at that word the same way again...LOL.*


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

omg!  that's for sure.  I am so glad I thought of this; much to Harvey's dismay...lol.  Though I LOVED his story.


----------



## KBoards Admin (Nov 27, 2007)

Thanks, sjc.


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

sjc said:


> omg! that's for sure. I am so glad I thought of this; much to Harvey's dismay...lol. Though I LOVED his story.


*Probably could have used a helmet cam that day *


----------



## KBoards Admin (Nov 27, 2007)

I am *never* going to live that helmet cam down, am I?


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Harvey said:


> I am *never* going to live that helmet cam down, am I?


*LOL...probably not but safety first, right You just had to film everything while you were being safe *


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Harvey:  You're entirely welcome.  Kids are ever so funny.  I could come up with a list of the top 25 things my kids have inadvertently said.  I do sincerely believe that every now and then; our spirits need a boost.  This thread proves that laughter is sometimes the best medicine.


----------



## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Harvey said:


> I am *never* going to live that helmet cam down, am I?


Well you _were _the one who posted a picture of it, after all.


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Harvey said:


> I am *never* going to live that helmet cam down, am I?


You make it sound like it's a bad thing. I loved the helmet cam! I want to see it again soon. It could be used for so many occasions.


----------



## KBoards Admin (Nov 27, 2007)

^ Thanks! I'm looking forward to mounting it on my bike helmet and taking some trails videos this spring.


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Harvey said:


> ^ Thanks! I'm looking forward to mounting it on my bike helmet and taking some trails videos this spring.


You should wear your helmet cam for everyday silly things... like a game of tag with your girls, or better yet, a game of dodge ball.


----------



## frojazz (Feb 10, 2009)

kim said:


> I posted this story on Harvey's Hiking and Climbing thread, but I think it fits better here...
> 
> Last summer I took my niece and nephew geocaching. We were along the Mississippi River fairly close to a boat landing when my 8 year old nephew headed into some trees to find the cache. He found it and emerged from the trees as proud as could be. It dawned on me that these where the closest good sized trees to the boat landing and the boat landing didn't have a restroom/port-a-potty. Zach must have been down on the ground looking for the cache, when he came out of the trees his pants where covered in poo. He was so focused on getting that cache that he never noticed that someone had used that tree as their own little outhouse. Of course the little furry dog went with him, yuck, all over her long fur.
> 
> ...


Isn't it strange that some of the funniest stories are so annoying at the time they happen? I bet he'll look twice the next time he's in the woods! Thanks for the story, kim!


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

intinst said:


> Did the same thing nearly. Ordered a cheeseburger and was asked if I wanted cheese on that!


I don't eat cheese. A couple of years ago I ordered a hamburger, was given a cheeseburger, went back up to the counter and told them it wasn't what I'd ordered. She looks at it and says "but it IS a hamburger. Our hamburgers have cheese on them." I pointed out that the posted menu had hamburgers AND cheeseburgers listed, so wouldn't it be normal to assume that, uh....... and she didn't get it at all.


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

kim said:


> I don't see anything wrong with this. Fries go with everything!


Discovered purely by accident a few years ago:

A plate of fries, with lots of ketchup, and a glass of champagne. Somehow the tastes complement each other very nicely. Too weird.


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

*ALL: * Thanks so much for sharing; I have so enjoyed these "funny" stories. In these crazy times, reading these zany posts lightens the mood; even if just temporarily. THANKS...*keep the stories coming...*


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Susan in VA said:


> Discovered purely by accident a few years ago:
> 
> A plate of fries, with lots of ketchup, and a glass of champagne. Somehow the tastes complement each other very nicely. Too weird.


*What are your thoughts on french fries IN a chocolate milkshake? My brother's g/f eats hers this way. I think one of these days I'll have to try it.*


----------



## rscarlett (Feb 23, 2009)

chynared21 said:


> *What are your thoughts on french fries IN a chocolate milkshake? *


If you live in the Pittsburgh area, you'll know that french fries are to go INTO the sandwich! I'm not kidding. Check out this menu from Primanti Brothers, a famous local restaurant chain in Pittsburgh:

http://www.primantibrothers.com/menu/city/strip/


----------



## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

I love Primanti Brothers.


----------



## Cowgirl (Nov 1, 2008)

I hate to admit this one but..........

Until a few years ago I thought the phrase "It's a Dog Eat Dog World"...was "It's A Doggie Dog World".  No wonder it never made any sense to me.


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

rscarlett said:


> If you live in the Pittsburgh area, you'll know that french fries are to go INTO the sandwich! I'm not kidding. Check out this menu from Primanti Brothers, a famous local restaurant chain in Pittsburgh:
> 
> http://www.primantibrothers.com/menu/city/strip/


*OMG...I saw their sandwiches on TV. They look yummy but I'd never be able to finish one let alone half. Hmmm, just got me thinking about a weird sandwich combo thread...don't want to hijack sjc's funny thread although I'm sure that there are some wacky combos out there *


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Cowgirl said:


> I hate to admit this one but..........
> 
> Until a few years ago I thought the phrase "It's a Dog Eat Dog World"...was "It's A Doggie Dog World". No wonder it never made any sense to me.


*I'll fess up to that one too, though it's a wonder with the way some people enunciate their words *


----------



## Cowgirl (Nov 1, 2008)

chynared21 said:


> *I'll fess up to that one too, though it's a wonder with the way some people enunciate their words *


So glad I'm not the only one!!!!


----------



## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't want to hijack this thread either to discuss sandwiches.  But, I ate lunch at restaurant a while back, don't recall which one.  I was starving and ordered a ham sandwich.  It wasn't a plain ham sandwich.  It had some other description, but I saw ham, and thought okay, starving, I'll take that.  It came deep fried and with some raspberry sauce.  It was not good.  
Note to self: no matter how hungry you are, read the entire description.
deb


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Leslie said:


> Yes, find out if they like to be waxed smooth all over. I am still pondering this (sort of imagining the look, too, and kind of liking it...  )


So way back on the first page of this thread we were pondering why some men (supposedly cyclists) would want to be waxed in areas that aren't typically seen... (there's no chance of wind resistance under the shorts)

I ran into my triathlete friend today and asked him. I know he shaves his legs and chest, but he said he's never done the all-over thing. His only comment: "I always thought those where the guys swinging from the other side of the plate"


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

OMG!! I always thought it was dog eat dog world too.  Wow...see; you learn something new each day.

CHYNARED:
DRENEE:  Don't ever feel like that with my threads; hijack away...the more the merrier...be my guest.


----------



## pomlover2586 (Feb 14, 2009)

ROFL


----------



## PJ (Feb 25, 2009)

drenee said:


> I don't want to hijack this thread either to discuss sandwiches. But, I ate lunch at restaurant a while back, don't recall which one. I was starving and ordered a ham sandwich. It wasn't a plain ham sandwich. It had some other description, but I saw ham, and thought okay, starving, I'll take that. It came deep fried and with some raspberry sauce. It was not good.
> Note to self: no matter how hungry you are, read the entire description.
> deb


That's a Monte Cristo and if made correctly (not too greasy) it's delicious. It used to be a specialty at Bennigan's


----------



## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

chynared21 said:


> *What are your thoughts on french fries IN a chocolate milkshake? My brother's g/f eats hers this way. I think one of these days I'll have to try it.*


I do that too. Now my hubby and son do the same thing. We also love putting Fritos any flavor in our sandwiches (usually ham or turkey)....Doritos and Cheetos work as well. Do not use in your PB & J sandwich though


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

chynared21 said:


> *What are your thoughts on french fries IN a chocolate milkshake? My brother's g/f eats hers this way. I think one of these days I'll have to try it.*


Personally I think it sounds revolting. But my daughter has dipped her fries in milk too, so there must be something to it...


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

sjc said:


> CHYNARED:
> DRENEE: Don't ever feel like that with my threads; hijack away...the more the merrier...be my guest.


*LOL thanks but food is a horse of a different color *


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Susan in VA said:


> Personally I think it sounds revolting. But my daughter has dipped her fries in milk too, so there must be something to it...


*I can see dipping it but she actually puts the fries in, drinks the shake and then eats the fries. *


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

chynared21 said:


> *I can see dipping it but she actually puts the fries in, drinks the shake and then eats the fries. *


A salty milkshake and soggy fries... oh boy.


----------



## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

I can't leave them in the shake....I don't like soggy fries.  I like fries that are crispy, then I dip them in the shake.  That way I'm not eating soggy food.


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Neversleepsawink;) (#1071) said:


> I can't leave them in the shake....I don't like soggy fries. I like fries that are crispy, then I dip them in the shake. That way I'm not eating soggy food.


*Maybe that's why her combo really grossed me out...the sogginess factor. I can see dipping...I am a dipper but I can't do soggy *


----------



## Neversleepsawink;) (Dec 16, 2008)

chynared21 said:


> *Maybe that's why her combo really grossed me out...the sogginess factor. I can see dipping...I am a dipper but I can't do soggy *


Ya, soggy is pretty gross.


----------



## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

PJ said:


> That's a Monte Cristo and if made correctly (not too greasy) it's delicious. It used to be a specialty at Bennigan's


That is what it was called. Thank you. It might have been good if I had been anticipating deep fried. Next time I'll try it with an open mind.


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

First, you need to get a mental image of what I look like.  I'm 45 so gravity is starting to make an impact, my complexion is very fair, and I'm extra fluffy (I don't like the word 'fat').  I won't be winning any beauty contests.  So...

This summer I am going to Europe with my 17 year old daughter's French class.  This week we had a meeting about the trip and the teacher was explaining to the boys that they might be seeing some topless girls at the beach.  So I make the comment, "I think I'll go topless, I'll have less to pack then."  

The look of horror on my daughter's face was priceless!  She was embarrassed that others heard it, she was traumatized by the vision in her head, and completely shocked because she thought I was serious.  It was kind of mean of me, but it was so funny.


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

kim said:


> I'm extra fluffy (I don't like the word 'fat').


Oh, I like "fluffy"! Great description!

The story reminds me of when I went to take summer classes in Spain at age 26. I was talking to my mother about what to pack, and since she had lived in Spain herself for a while thirty years earlier, she gave me a little speech about making sure all the clothes I took along were very modest since Spain was extremely conservative. No cleavage, no skirts shorter than knee-length, no two-piece bathing suits. So I packed jeans and some simple blouses, and the most un-revealing one-piece bathing suit I could find. It was plain black and.... matronly, to put it kindly. Then I got there and found the public pool liberally dotted with thong-clad topless sunbathers. Thirty years is a long time...

The next day I went shopping for summer clothes.


----------



## PJ (Feb 25, 2009)

kim said:


> First, you need to get a mental image of what I look like. I'm 45 so gravity is starting to make an impact, my complexion is very fair, and I'm extra fluffy (I don't like the word 'fat'). I won't be winning any beauty contests. So...
> 
> This summer I am going to Europe with my 17 year old daughter's French class. This week we had a meeting about the trip and the teacher was explaining to the boys that they might be seeing some topless girls at the beach. So I make the comment, "I think I'll go topless, I'll have less to pack then."
> 
> The look of horror on my daughter's face was priceless! She was embarrassed that others heard it, she was traumatized by the vision in her head, and completely shocked because she thought I was serious. It was kind of mean of me, but it was so funny.


LOL - all I could picture is my sister doing this to my niece. Although my niece would never take her mom seriously on something like this, it is just like something my sister would do. And my niece would definitely say the image of her mother topless on a beach would be indelibly burned into her brain and would damage her for life.

Hehehehe - I'm still laughing.


----------



## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

kim said:


> First, you need to get a mental image of what I look like. I'm 45 so gravity is starting to make an impact, my complexion is very fair, and I'm extra fluffy (I don't like the word 'fat'). I won't be winning any beauty contests. So...
> 
> This summer I am going to Europe with my 17 year old daughter's French class. This week we had a meeting about the trip and the teacher was explaining to the boys that they might be seeing some topless girls at the beach. So I make the comment, "I think I'll go topless, I'll have less to pack then."
> 
> The look of horror on my daughter's face was priceless! She was embarrassed that others heard it, she was traumatized by the vision in her head, and completely shocked because she thought I was serious. It was kind of mean of me, but it was so funny.


You sound like my kind of mom. I loved doing things to my kids that they called a Doctor Phil moment. My son swore our family could get a good "vacation" somewhere because of the stunts I pulled on them.

I'll tell one about my youngest son, now 23. He was about 17. I had a date over on a Friday or Saturday night. My son was upstairs. 
He comes down the steps and says he hates women. I politely asked him why. He proceeded to explain that he was the president of the small


Spoiler



wiener


 club (I know. I have no clue, and decided not to even ask how he became president), and that all women were interested in were big


Spoiler



wieners


. Now, I'm not stupid, most of the time. I knew he was trying to be funny and embarrass me. Not to be. I stood up, walked over to him, and said Dan, not all women are like that. And small


Spoiler



wieners


 can be just fine if you know how to use them. Would you like me to tell you how to do that. He ran back upstairs, covering his ears, saying no, mom, that's okay, please don't. 
Score one for mom.
And if he ever reads this, I'm dead. 
deb


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

drenee said:


> You sound like my kind of mom. I loved doing things to my kids that they called a Doctor Phil moment. My son swore our family could get a good "vacation" somewhere because of the stunts I pulled on them.
> 
> I'll tell one about my youngest son, now 23. He was about 17. I had a date over on a Friday or Saturday night. My son was upstairs.
> He comes down the steps and says he hates women. I politely asked him why. He proceeded to explain that he was the president of the small
> ...


Ha, that's a good story. I love doing stuff like that to my kid.


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

drenee said:


> You sound like my kind of mom. I loved doing things to my kids that they called a Doctor Phil moment. My son swore our family could get a good "vacation" somewhere because of the stunts I pulled on them.
> 
> I'll tell one about my youngest son, now 23. He was about 17. I had a date over on a Friday or Saturday night. My son was upstairs.
> He comes down the steps and says he hates women. I politely asked him why. He proceeded to explain that he was the president of the small
> ...


A brilliant parenting moment <G>! Good for you!


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

ROTFLMAO!!

P.S.  Love the fries in the shake have done it all my life...  Here's a new one:  Popcorn dredged in Nutella...Mmmmm.


----------



## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

sjc said:


> ROTFLMAO!!
> 
> P.S. Love the fries in the shake have done it all my life... Here's a new one: Popcorn dredged in Nutella...Mmmmm.


How do you eat it? Isn't rather messy?


----------



## Anju   (Nov 8, 2008)

sjc said:


> ROTFLMAO!!
> 
> P.S. Love the fries in the shake have done it all my life... Here's a new one: Popcorn dredged in Nutella...Mmmmm.


YES YES YES - actually have some popcorn out for later today, luckily the nutella jar is empty!


----------



## marianneg (Nov 4, 2008)

sjc said:


> Here's a new one: Popcorn dredged in Nutella...Mmmmm.


Oooh, yum! I usually use pretzels.


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

> How do you eat it? Isn't rather messy?


Not really...just dip it like you would a potato chip in dip. You don't dip the whole piece; just enough to get some on the end of the piece. Mmmmm Good!!!


----------



## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Will have to try that, love that Nutella but never thought to try it as a dip!


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

*New Funny Story:* We were at a gathering last weekend and my niece reminded me of the famous "Grandma Jenny" story...
When my husband and I first got married we rented upstairs from his grandparents. Grandma was telling us how she and Grandpa had a parakeet (Jimmy) and Grandpa taught it to talk. My husband piped up; I remember that bird from when I was little. Figures, couple weeks later hubby says "let's get a parakeet". I'm not a fan of birds (all that flapping and fluttering makes me nervous). Being a newlywed, eager to please; I said yes. Few weeks later, after the "newness" wore off and hubby began to ignore the bird; I brought the bird, cage, food and all down to Grandma...and asked if she would like to have the bird, if I supplied all the necessities. She was thrilled...

*CUT TO 2-3 years later:* I walk in from work and Grandma hollers up the stairs yoohooo!! Yooohooo!! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR BIRD BACK. I go downstairs. Her door is shut and the birdcage is on her stoop. I pick up the cage to carry it upstairs and there's JIMMY2 stiff as a board dead on the bottom of the cage.


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

LOL - poor grandma!


----------



## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

sjc said:


> *New Funny Story:* We were at a gathering last weekend and my niece reminded me of the famous "Grandma Jenny" story...
> When my husband and I first got married we rented upstairs from his grandparents. Grandma was telling us how she and Grandpa had a parakeet (Jimmy) and Grandpa taught it to talk. My husband piped up; I remember that bird from when I was little. Figures, couple weeks later hubby says "let's get a parakeet". I'm not a fan of birds (all that flapping and fluttering makes me nervous). Being a newlywed, eager to please; I said yes. Few weeks later, after the "newness" wore off and hubby began to ignore the bird; I brought the bird, cage, food and all down to Grandma...and asked if she would like to have the bird, if I supplied all the necessities. She was thrilled...
> 
> *CUT TO 2-3 years later:* I walk in from work and Grandma hollers up the stairs yoohooo!! Yooohooo!! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR BIRD BACK. I go downstairs. Her door is shut and the birdcage is on her stoop. I pick up the cage to carry it upstairs and there's JIMMY2 stiff as a board dead on the bottom of the cage.


It is an Ex-parrot. . . .if you hadn't nailed it to the perch it'd be pushing up daisies!

(Sorry. . . .still punchy from tax season. . . .)


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Lol...X Grandma too.
That incident happened way before the movie Dumb and Dumber.  When that movie came out and my husband and I saw that bird scene; we laughed until tears streamed down our faces.  People all around us must have thought we were crazy because the scene was long over and we were still hyperventilating.


----------



## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

OK, this just struck me as funny this morning.


----------



## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Betsy the Quilter said:


> OK, this just struck me as funny this morning.


Probably because for the first time in months it's been leg shaving mandatory weather. . . .

Ann


----------



## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Yes, and I also wanted much more from life...

Betsy


----------



## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

Ann in Arlington said:


> Probably because for the first time in months it's been leg shaving mandatory weather. . . .
> 
> Ann





Betsy the Quilter said:


> Yes, and I also wanted much more from life...
> 
> Betsy


Could try the tucking it into your socks...


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

intinst said:


> Could try the tucking it into your socks...


Or move to France....


----------



## Anju  (Nov 8, 2008)

one thing about being a geezerette, it is not as frequent an occurence as it used to be


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

I love that cartoon.


----------



## patrisha w. (Oct 28, 2008)

Anju No. 469 said:


> one thing about being a geezerette, it is not as frequent an occurence as it used to be


Even before I became a geezerette, I have NEVER in my whole life shaved my legs! {it is not because I am English, either. I just don't grow hairs on my legs.} Lots of dark-brown {and silver} hair on my head but no where else.

patrisha


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

This happened many years ago, but someone from this MN town retold the story today...

Everyplace has towns with some strange names. Minnesota is no exception. One day the newspaper headline read:

*Fertile Woman Dies in Climax*

Yes, there are actually towns in MN near each other named Fertile and Climax. The headline made it on the Tonight Show.


----------



## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Anju No. 469 said:


> one thing about being a geezerette, it is not as frequent an occurence as it used to be


I've noticed that. One of the reasons I get so much more out of life now! LOL!

Betsy


----------



## Vegas_Asian (Nov 2, 2008)

First there was the Llama song:


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

> Fertile Woman Dies in Climax


PMPL: piss my pants laughing!!!


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

kim said:


> This happened many years ago, but someone from this MN town retold the story today...
> 
> Everyplace has towns with some strange names. Minnesota is no exception. One day the newspaper headline read:
> 
> ...


*Would go along with Intercourse, PA *


----------



## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

chynared21 said:


> *Would go along with Intercourse, PA *


I've heard of that. . . .I think it's just up the road from Desire* and a few miles south of Panic*. 

Ann

_*actual PA towns, though I don't promise I've gotten the geography right. . . . ._


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Ann in Arlington said:


> I've heard of that. . . .I think it's just up the road from Desire* and a few miles south of Panic*.
> 
> Ann
> 
> _*actual PA towns, though I don't promise I've gotten the geography right. . . . ._


*LMAO...anywhere near Whoops? *


----------



## Angela (Nov 2, 2008)

chynared21 said:


> *Would go along with Intercourse, PA *


LOL... My DD's college roommate and her husband stayed at a B&B in Intercourse, PA on their honeymoon and even took pictures in front of the "Welcome to..." sign.


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

Angela said:


> LOL... My DD's college roommate and her husband stayed at a B&B in Intercourse, PA on their honeymoon and even took pictures in front of the "Welcome to..." sign.


*LOL...how fitting *


----------



## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

On a literary note:









Betsy


----------



## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Perfect, Betsy!  I love it!

Ann


----------



## crebel (Jan 15, 2009)

The story about the honeymoon picture in Intercourse reminded me of a trip we took in 2004.  We traveled through Hooker, Texas.  The sign at the ball field on the way into town said "Welcome to Hooker, Home of the Hooker Horny Toads".  We thought it was amazing that the school chose Horny Toads as a mascot for a town of that name.  DH had to stop the car and I struck a pose by the sign for a picture


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

crebel said:


> The story about the honeymoon picture in Intercourse reminded me of a trip we took in 2004. We traveled through Hooker, Texas. The sign at the ball field on the way into town said "Welcome to Hooker, Home of the Hooker Horny Toads". We thought it was amazing that the school chose Horny Toads as a mascot for a town of that name. DH had to stop the car and I struck a pose by the sign for a picture


I'm sure quite a few readers are wondering what exactly that pose was.


----------



## crebel (Jan 15, 2009)

Susan in VA said:


> I'm sure quite a few readers are wondering what exactly that pose was.


Well, we were on our way to a party, I was wearing a cocktail dress, I did have on high heels, garters and thigh hi's.......nevermind!


----------



## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

crebel said:


> Well, we were on our way to a party, I was wearing a cocktail dress, I did have on high heels, garters and thigh hi's.......nevermind!


LOL!

(I should know better than to be in mid-tea-sip when reading posts here.  )


----------



## frojazz (Feb 10, 2009)

kim said:


> This happened many years ago, but someone from this MN town retold the story today...
> 
> Everyplace has towns with some strange names. Minnesota is no exception. One day the newspaper headline read:
> 
> ...


Did you know she was on her way to Moorhead? (It's in MN, too.)


----------



## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

crebel said:


> The story about the honeymoon picture in Intercourse reminded me of a trip we took in 2004. We traveled through Hooker, Texas. The sign at the ball field on the way into town said "Welcome to Hooker, Home of the Hooker Horny Toads". We thought it was amazing that the school chose Horny Toads as a mascot for a town of that name. DH had to stop the car and I struck a pose by the sign for a picture


*LOL, I can only imagine the pose 

My HS' senior theme was "going all the way." Why the faculty chose that as the winning theme is beyond me. From what I heard...plenty of students took advantage of trying out the theme 


frojazz said:



Did you know she was on her way to Moorhead? (It's in MN, too.)

Click to expand...

LMAO!*


----------



## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

frojazz said:


> Did you know she was on her way to Moorhead? (It's in MN, too.)


Are you sure she wasn't headed for Embarrass? (That's in MN too)


----------



## frojazz (Feb 10, 2009)

kim said:


> Are you sure she wasn't headed for Embarrass? (That's in MN too)


I didn't think of that one!!


----------



## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

> Well, we were on our way to a party, I was  wearing a cocktail dress, I did have on high heels, garters and thigh hi's.......nevermind!


Makes me think that the pose only involved the high heels.

I could be wearing just high heels and DH would still stroll past me and start lifting lids on the stove and ask, What's for supper?


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## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

sjc said:


> I could be wearing just high heels and DH would still stroll past me and start lifting lids on the stove and ask, What's for supper?


*Men *


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Ya gotta love 'em.


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## chynared21 (Oct 28, 2008)

sjc said:


> Ya gotta love 'em.


*Can't live with them, can't shoot em' *


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## Kathy (Nov 5, 2008)

I'm sitting here laughing. My daughter just called me and told me the funniest story about her friend's 10 year old son. Apparently at the school he goes to they have a graduation ceremony for all of the students moving up to the next grade. They were all in the classroom getting ready and the teacher had stepped out for a moment. She comes back in and the 10 year old is dancing and singing for the class. He was singing at the top of his lungs *"Viva Viagra"* and dancing to the song. When she sees his mother she starts laughing and proceeds to tell her what he was singing. Kids, you gotta love them.


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## marianneg (Nov 4, 2008)

^^ Good one, Kathy.

I was downloading the videos we took at the zoo a couple of weeks ago, and I found one where I was asking DD (2 years old) what the cheetahs say.  Her answer was insistently "cheese."


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Zoo:  A few years back we were at the Detroit zoo and a female monkey was sunning herself lying on her back with her legs spread wide open; we couldn't stop laughing it made for some funny pics.  However, it got funnier, because when I snapped my picture; I said, "I'll have what she's having!"


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

A friend sent me these, I would normally not post an email joke, but I love the use of language!

CREATIVE PUNS FOR 'EDUCATED MINDS'

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet"

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


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## tlshaw (Nov 10, 2008)

Well, I am bored stiff today, so decided to read this thread. The story about the butt lotion reminded me of a story. When my daughter was 15, she was in the Miss Teen NC contest. We had gone to a meeting and then to look at dresses and swimsuits. We ordered the clothes and then headed home -a 3 hour drive. All of the sudden, she starts talking about how they keep the bikini bottoms from riding up while they are on stage. They use "butt glue". At least that is what she kept calling it. She is a great storyteller, so she spins this long yarn about what would happen if you put the butt glue on and then have to go to the bathroom - would you get stuck? I was laughing so hard as she went on to discuss the problems of having this stuff stuck to you that I was crying. Oh, and did I mention I was driving down the interstate at the time. 

She also discussed advertising. She asked if I could imagine driving down the highway and see a billboard for "Johnson's Butt Glue".

The night of the padgent, on the way home, she was complaining about her bathing suit bottom still being glued to her, so that it made it uncomfortable. I starting cracking up, and my husband just stared at me, so my daughter proceeds to tell him the story she had told me before about the butt glue. Needless to say, I lost it all over again. I still can't watch a beauty pageant without thinking about "butt glue".


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## kim (Nov 20, 2008)

Betsy the Quilter said:


> A friend sent me these, I would normally not post an email joke, but I love the use of language!
> 
> CREATIVE PUNS FOR 'EDUCATED MINDS'


Betsy, Those are great. I'm trying so hard not to laugh out loud while in my little work cubicle.


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## mwvickers (Jan 26, 2009)

tlshaw *Padded Cell 511* said:


> I starting cracking up,


I cannot help but wonder if there is some kind of pun intended here, as you were discussing "butt glue." 

Just kidding.


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## Edward C. Patterson (Mar 28, 2009)

Once I cooked roast chicken legs in the oven, and while waiting had a few beers (in the days when I could drink - pre-medication). I was yakking and jawing and not paying much attention when I took the Chicken legs out. The pan was shallow and as I crossed the kitchen, the pan tipped, the chicken grease spilled on the floor where I was walking and . . .I hit it, my feet went up, the ass came down, the chicken legs flew everywhere, one even landed in the valances. I wasn't injured, but my company (there were four of them) rolled around laughing for an hour. 

Edward C. Patterson


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Betsy:  lol.  My favorite was the chicken and the poultry in motion. 

P.S.  Butt glue...it's beginning to sound like that could stand on a thread of its own...lol.


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## tlshaw (Nov 10, 2008)

mwvickers said:


> I cannot help but wonder if there is some kind of pun intended here, as you were discussing "butt glue."
> 
> Just kidding.


Hmmm... Sometimes I speak without thinking first.


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## Chad Winters (Oct 28, 2008)

I remember in Medical School, there was always the running joke/anecdotal story of the lady who could not understand why she got pregnant. She was using her contraceptive jelly faithfully........she put it on her toast every morning!


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## mwvickers (Jan 26, 2009)

Chad Winters (#102) said:


> I remember in Medical School, there was always the running joke/anecdotal story of the lady who could not understand why she got pregnant. She was using her contraceptive jelly faithfully........she put it on her toast every morning!


EEEEEEEWWWWW!


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## Edward C. Patterson (Mar 28, 2009)

The verdict is in. The "jelly" situation definitely broke up more people at work today than any other bit of chit chat. One lady here neary lost her teeth.

Ed Patterson


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

I think one of the funniest days on the boards:  was when I said that I felt like my Kindle lost its virginity because I had to use the reset hole.  We had more laughs and bantered back and forth for days.  We came up with more one liners than Leno.  These boards are a lot of fun.  I really have enjoyed this thread.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

http://www.snotr.com/video/2630

My daughter-in-law sent this link to me. It is too cute.
deb


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

drenee:  That is an absolute riot!!


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

DH and I had been married about 3 years, had a 19month old son and 4 month old. Went to visit my grandparents.
So. We are all sitting around after dinner just chatting at the table, haven't gotten up to clear dishes yet, kids are in playpen. My 75 yo Grandmother looks down the table at my grandfather, and says, "dear is a


Spoiler



blowjob


 the same as


Spoiler



oral sex


?" 
His reply, " Yes dear I do believe that is the current term for it."

Mind you, these two are SO prim and proper that they eat everything with a knife and fork.

DH and I are across the table from each other and we both get the *deer in the headlights* look to our faces, and I can see him suck in a cheek to bite on.

Later on, while taking the babies for a walk in their stroller we are laughing SO hard our side ached for over a day afterwards.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

^^that is a really funny story.  
deb


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh, and back when in the early 80's my mom decided we needed to repaint every door and cabinet door in our house. We are pretty strange to begin with, but by the end of 2 days with paint fumes, we were in Lalala land.
So I asked her, "What happens if after you swallow your gum, you have a gas attack?"
"brown bubbles".
I was 12 .. it was hilarious.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

BTackitt:  Hilarious.  I find the elderly so amusing sometimes.  Babies and the elderly have so much in common-- "out of the mouths of babes" so innocent.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

Why oh why did this thread get lost for so long??


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

I think today will be a fun day....  I have decided to tell my almost 17 yo about the time when he was 2 months old that he would not stop crying while g-ma was babysitting, so she tried to


Spoiler



breastfeed


 him.

(am taking Human Growth and development class atm, and today was the day to discuss the bottle/breast, nature/nurture issues.)


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

For all those you haven't seen it, please go vote in my choose my avatar thread....

http://www.kboards.com/index.php/topic,19014.0.html


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

Wow...haven't seen this thread in ages.  My last funny story was a guy fell asleep in a chair at a deli and he had his head back mouth hung open and his toupee hanging off due to his position...it was flapped back hanging on by a thread.  People were walking by snapping pics with their cell cameras.  He was oblivious.  It was funny.


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## drenee (Nov 11, 2008)

My son and his wife bought a new flat screen TV this weekend.  On the way home they asked their boys, ages 5 and 3, what they thought about the new TV.  The boys replied, will it still have Phineas and Ferb on it?  

Guess they thought the shows come pre-loaded on the TV?  
deb


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## Marguerite (Jan 18, 2009)

My family and I went to see the Nutcracker this Christmas.  My children are 6 and 8 year old girls.  They could NOT stop talking about how the Nutcracker's red tights were so tight that they went all the way into his crack leaving NOTHING to the imagination.  I was trying to change the subject and asked them, "Aside from that, how did you like the Butt cracker?"  They didn't stop laughing for the whole ride home.  Talk about a freudian slip.


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## sjc (Oct 29, 2008)

The butt cracker...lol.


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