# Captain Nothing - NOTHING TO LOSE



## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

If you think you know everything about super heroes...you don't know nothing.
Meet Captain Nothing - one of the nastiest anti-heroes imaginable.

Three stories.
"The Glint of Moonlight on Broken Glass"
"Lamprey Fellatio"
"The Meat Axe of Love"

Check it out.

Nothing to Lose (The Adventures of Captain Nothing)

at $2.99 you've got nothing to lose!


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Welcome to KindleBoards, Steve, and congratulations on your book!

(If you've gotten this welcome before, it's just as a matter of housekeeping. We like to put a copy of the "welcome letter" in each book thread. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, it just helps us know that you know the rules.)

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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Bleekness said:


> Who does your covers Steve?
> 
> I rike!


Hey Keith. The cover for Nothing To Lose was painted by the talented Alex McVey for the original trade paperback - along with some kickass internal art. Unfortunately, for the Kindle version we couldn't afford the interior art.

The art for Devil Tree was a combination of a shot of the tree, from the publisher, and a shot of my own axe, buried into a chunk of firewood. It didn't quite come out with the right sort of perspective on it, but I am still pretty pleased with how the whole thing turned out.


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## LiteraryGrrrl (Jan 24, 2011)

I am intrigued...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Bleekness said:


> It came out pretty d*mn fine in my opinion .


Thanks, Keith.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

LiteraryGrrrl said:


> I am intrigued...


...and I hope you enjoy!


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## Harry Shannon (Jul 30, 2010)

Looks very cool, Steve. Alex did PAIN for Dark Regions, he's so damned talented...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

He definitely does some awesome work.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

For those who are curious there is a heck of a review of Nothing To Lose over at The Horror Fan.

http://thehorrorfan.blogspot.com/2007/02/nothing-to-lose.html


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Buy it while you have the chance. 

I'm just waiting for word from my publisher regarding my next release.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Three stories.
"The Glint of Moonlight on Broken Glass"
"Lamprey Fellatio"
"The Meat Axe of Love"

Check it out.
Nothing to Lose (The Adventures of Captain Nothing)
at $2.99 you've got nothing to lose!
[/quote]

I need a personal assistant to remind me every time seven days passes by and I can legally bump this thread...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

"Vernon created his own brand of superhero here, a hell of a guy named, Captain Nothing. All three stories are centered around him. A down on his luck kind of guy that dishes out his own brand of justice in a world, sadly, a lot like this one. He's the kind of guy you cheer for when reading the stories and wish you could actually enter his world, sit down and have a beer with him." - one reader's review

This is a superhero from your wildest nightmares. Think Everyman meets Kafka. Twist in a little Will Eisner and a dash of Stuart Gordon and then shake until stirred.

Here's another review.
http://www.paperbackhorror.com/2010/03/nothing-to-lose-by-steve-vernon.html

What are you waiting for?


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Nothing new to report.

Just a blatant, bald-headed, bump!

If anybody orders a copy and reads it I would love to hear back from you. 

Don't make me grovel...


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## susie (Mar 4, 2011)

Is this like eating asparagus that's dripping with Hollandaise sauce?


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Hollandaise sauce

Asparagus is best served, wrapped in bacon and good bread.

Yowza!


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## susie (Mar 4, 2011)

Steve Vernon said:


> Hollandaise sauce
> 
> Asparagus is best served, wrapped in bacon and good bread.
> 
> Yowza!


Perhaps. But it's more fellatio-like when eaten by holding the base of the stalk between the thumb and forefinger and gently nibbling and sucking the dripping flower end before sliding the entire stalk into one's mouth and swallowing.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

And on that note...


...let's bump this thread!


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

What a great day. A book signing this afternoon at a local big box bookstore - sold about 20 copies of my regional books - (not available on Kindle).

Then a reading/appearance tonight at a bash for new YA novels where I got the chance to move a few more copies of my YA novel (not available on Kindle) and shmooze with some regional writers.

Now, if I could only sell a few more of my Kindle books life would be complete...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Is the universe telling you that your library card has finally expired?

Is your girlfriend calling out your younger brother's name in the middle of her best faked orgasm?

Has your refrigerator turned petri dish?

Won't your cat talk to you anymore?

Then you need to pull out your wallet and buy yourself a copy of NOTHING TO LOSE - because man you ain't got...

(caution: exposure to Steve Vernon's NOTHING TO LOSE may result in blindness, halitosis, funky feet, palpitations of your murmering heart and notable suicidal tendencies)

(read as prescribed and never drive while drinking - you'll spill your beer!)


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

A fist full of plugs...

"If Harlan Ellison, Richard Matheson and Robert Bloch had a three-way sex romp in a hot tub, and then a team of scientists came in and filtered out the water and mixed the leftover DNA into a test tube, the resulting genetic experiment would most likely grow up into Steve Vernon." - Bookgasm

"The G-forces generated by Steve Vernon's writing and creative force are awesome to behold, and could easily generate mental whiplash in the unprepared." - Fear Zone

"Steve Vernon was born to write. He's the real deal and we're lucky to have him." - Richard Chizmar


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## Nicki Lynn Justice (Jan 2, 2011)

Okay, I got sucked in and my life hasn't changed! I was hoping that I would check my bank account AND I would actually have some money.

But I did get a good laugh. Is there actually a book about Lampreys doing things like that?

And...on that note.... TGIF!


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Bleekness said:


> I didn't buy this book.
> 
> I _did _buy "Long Horn Big Shaggy."
> 
> ...


Well - Long Horn, Big Shaggy is a heckuva read as well. I've heard more positive comments about that particular book - so I hope you dig it, Bleekness.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Nicki Lynn Justice said:


> Okay, I got sucked in and my life hasn't changed! I was hoping that I would check my bank account AND I would actually have some money.
> 
> But I did get a good laugh. Is there actually a book about Lampreys doing things like that?
> 
> And...on that note.... TGIF!


And as for you, Nicki, I am certain that the reason your life did not change was simply because you were squinting while you read it.

That's my story - and I'm sticking to it...


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Steve--

You, without a doubt, have the best book bumps of any author here.  I bought one of your books because of it.  (I look at all the Bazaar threads, and a fresh approach is, well, refreshing. )

One thing--when you have multiple posts to respond to since your last bump, please do it in one reply.  You can do this by quoting the first post, responding, and then by usiing the "Insert Quote" that is in each post listed below the reply box to insert the text of the post you want to respond to.

Thanks!

Betsy
KB Moderator


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks Betsy. I had replied to both entries one after another - about a minute apart - but I also knew that I was "bending" the rules a bit. I wasn't quite sure how to get both replies into one, but now that I know I'll make sure to squeeze all my replies into one entry.

My apologies, ma'm. 

And thanks for buying my book!


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Look! Up in the air! It's a bird! It's a plane.

Actually, it's nothing more than the sight of my Nothing To Lose sales figures slowly beginning to plummet. Buy a copy now and help raise my spirits - (and my bank balance).

Remember -


> "True originality is rare but you'll find it every time that Steve Vernon puts his fingers on the keyboard." - Jeff Strand, author of PRESSURE.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

I was up way too early this morning. I worked a looong shift at work and have just got home and my stomach is grumbling and probably all I've got to gnaw on in the refrigerator is a loooong-expired technicolor slab of putrefying bologna and stale black bread. Why am I keeping my stale black bread in the refrigerator you might ask?

Because the cockroaches on the kitchen counter complained.
Actually, they took up a petition with the rats in the trash bucket.

You have no idea just how looong a cruelty-to-kitchen-counter-cockroach and trash-bucket-rat petition can actually be...but to give you an idea they have cleaned me out of several rolls of barely-used toilet paper and all of my best inked-out pens.

But am I stopping to eat when this thread so sadly needs to be bumped? No. Because I know that you folks here at Kindleboards depend upon my ceaseless dedication to gratuitous self-promotional semi-spamming thread bumps. 

Buy my book so that I can buy the kitchen-counter-cockroaches a brand new loaf of slightly stale bread...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

June is trembling on the brink of a long hot wallow through July.

Vacations, cold beer, pretty hula waitreses in topless coconut mumu-duds await...

Hot cabana boys, slathered with tiki oil and sex-scented palm fronds wave seductively at middle-age midlife crisis-bound mother-in-laws...

Summer is here. You need something to read. Why wait upon the perfect book when it is hovering there in that signature bar below your nose...

(yes, you've got a signature bar below your nose - why else do you think the hula waitresses and cabana boys are looking at you so strangely...)

Buy my book. Buy my book. Buy my book.

You've got nothing to lose.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

See - your life HAS changed.

You're at least two and a half minutes older...

Now buy my book.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

I'm just getting ready to go to work - (yes, writers do need day jobs) - but I thought I'd let you folks know that I am hard at work on the next volume of Captain Nothing, to be entitled NOTHING DOWN.

I want you to lean back and close your eyes and just try and envixion the spectacular cover we've got cooked up for this next book. Look, do you see the dancing girls? How about the yodelling chartreuse elephant? That flamingo on stilts, juggling a technicolor assortment of radioactive Kindle e-readers in its beak? It's all there - and more. See that kelpie? That flaming man with the yellow canary wings? The legendary Louisville tulwar?

It's all there.

In the meantime, while you are waiting for that dramatic wonder to unfold why don't you unfold your wallet and drag out your credit card and order yourself a copy of one of my books.

Just slip into your virtual shopping cart. Go ahead. Do it now.
You've got nothing to lose...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

It is hot tonight.

I am sweating like a two dollar toilet tank.

I mean the hens are out back laying hard-boiled eggs.

I mean it's hotter than the soles of Gandhi's flattest sandals.

I mean the trees are hoping for incontinent hound dogs.

It's way too hot to say anything funny in this latest update.

Are any of you reading this or am I just experiencing some heat-crazed fever dream?

Please answer if you are reading this thread and enjoying it in the slightest. Cool my fevered fantasies with the soothing balm of your best well wishes...

,,,and then buy my book!


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Wow! 

A tough crowd.

I better start juggling those prefried rubber chickens.

Ah well. I did not get into this business to meet all kinds of cool people on the Kindleboards forum site - I got into this business to sell me some books.

So go on. Don't reply to this thread. It is nothing more than an obvious attempt to elicit some sort of an answer to allow me to re-bump the whole dang thing and hopefully be entertaining enough to elicit yet another answer and yet one more excuse for a pathetic re-bump.

Wow.

Truly, I have a dizzying intellect.

(any excuse to quote that movie)


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

I am lost and have gone to search for myself.

If I return while I am away looking - please ask me to hang around until I get back.

And while you're waiting...why not buy my book?


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Captain Nothing.

Nothing to Lose.

Some of the toughest fiction you've ever read.

Buy it.

Try it.

I guarantee a read you'll never forget.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

If you are looking for something that reads a little like a cross between Frank Miller and Spider Jerusalem then you really ought to give this book a try.

It is hard, tough, humorous, nasty - and unexpectedly touching.

Touching?

Go ahead. Read the third story - "The Meataxe of Love" and tell me you don't feel a little misty eyed.

Mind you, we're talking manly-clear-your-throat-and-scowl kind of tears...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

I'd love to say something spontaneously exciting, humorous and intriguing enough to make at least one of you folks reading this thread - assuming that anyone actually reads these things after they've hit their second page of replies - but I have to make coffee or my wife will permanently hurt me.

So...


INSERT SOMETHING BRILLIANT HERE


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

There's a brand new interview of me up at THE GINGER NUTS OF HORROR!

http://thegingernutcase.blogspot.com/2011/10/interview-with-steve-vernon.html


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Wow, I'm slowing down. It has been way too long since I poked this thread...

For starters - let me tell you that NOTHING TO LOSE is now available in audio format through audible.com!

(which is exciting)

http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=sr_1_2?asin=B0068QMYXG&qid=1321532964&sr=1-2

Why not give it a listen??


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## wordsmithjts (Nov 14, 2011)

I'll definitely have to check that out. I'm alwasy looking for cool new superheroes. Some of the standard heroes are getting boring nowadays.

_sorry, self promotion in someone else's thread is bad form. _


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## Steverino (Jan 5, 2011)

Hi Steve!

When I saw "Captain Nothing," it made me think of Odysseus bragging to Polyphemus about who blinded him.

(Jest a classical reference to raise the discourse from the lamprey discussion, earlier.  )


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

> And Polyphemus trapped Odysseus and his crew in a large cave. While he was gone Odysseus and his men trampled grapes into wine and sharpened a large staff into a spear. Afterwards they hid the makeshift spear beneath the straw that Polyphemus had scattered about the cave floor to feed his sheep. When Polyphemus returned he devoured two more of Odysseus crew. While Polyphemus was gnawing on the men's bones Odysseus offered him some wine. Polyphemus promised that, as a reward for the gift of wine, he would be sure that Odysseus would be eaten last. When Polyphemus asked for his name Odysseus replied "I am No Man" which, in Greek, was "Oud-eis" - a pun on the name Odysseus."


Thanks, Steverino. The tale of Odysseus is one of my favorite legends. I once kept an entire room of kids spellbound at a Christmas party with the story of how Odysseus dealt with the Cyclops.

I also want to thank the folks who downloaded the audio version of NOTHING TO LOSE. I sold seven copies in the first day - that's not bad for a small fry player like myself...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

And I've been told that the audio version of NOTHING TO LOSE is now the #1 bestselling Crossroad Press audio book - and work has gone forward on creating the audio version of the follow-up volume NOTHING DOWN!

These aren't written as a series - and one story doesn't necessarily follow the other - but I definitely would start with NOTHING TO LOSE before reading NOTHING DOWN.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

> The woman stood in the kitchen, waiting for her family to leave. She dreamed of the freezer, sitting in the basement, open like a frozen wound. She was afraid to speak. She forced herself to think white noise thoughts.
> 
> If you need a name, call her honey or mom. Her original label had atrophied from casual disuse. Even she couldn't remember it. She made breakfast, wondering just how many times she'd made breakfast for this family that called themselves hers. Every day, every year - how many times?
> 
> ...


 an excerpt from "Meat Axe of Love", 3rd story in NOTHING TO LOSE.

It's nearly new years. 2012 is coming faster than you think. The Mayans maybe right. Why not pick up a copy of NOTHING TO LOSE before it's too late...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Okay! I am holding a special FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH CONTEST for all of you Kindle horror fans!!!

Check out the details in my latest blog entry!

http://stevevernonstoryteller.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/friday-the-13th-kindle-kontest/

There is also going to be a couple of random bonus prizes as well - TOP SECRET!


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

All right - so the Friday the 13th giveaway ended a while ago.

Doesn't mean you still ought not to pick yourself up a copy of NOTHING TO LOSE.

Man, you owe yourself a copy for everytime you rolled out of bed and fell on your lips and muttered to the dustbunnies hiding beneath your bed - "But I don't wanna go to work today".

You owe yourself a copy for everytime you look in the bathroom mirror and say to yourself "Why the heck didn't I cut the back off of my comic book and mail that coupon to Charles Atlas who probably could have made a man out of me."

You owe yourself a copy for every boss who has peeved you off; for every reality television show that you stopped watching because it was WAY too unrealistic; for every time you walked barefoot to the refrigerator and found with your toes what the cat couldn't swallow.

You owe it for that last dollop of soured milk that you accidentally poured into your last cup of coffee.

Mmmm, chunky.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

Pick this up.

Buy it now.

I figure the direct approach couldn't hurt - just this one time...


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

All right - let's try the polite approach.

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please buy this book!


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