# [COMPLETE!] Hey guys, take some whacks at my blurb. All welcome :)



## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

*DONE! Thank you all so much for the help!!! (Skip to #5 below to see final version)*

All right, dear friends, it's that time again! No, kids, not time to pull Uncle Sever's teeth out!

Book 2 is with my editor for a last round of polishing, so I thought I'd suffer through this. I have a cold or something so don't mind if I cough all over the page.

OKOK, so this is for _Riven (The Arinthian Line, book 2)_ scheduled for release Feb 21st. Cover reveal coming in a week or two (incidentally, when is the ideal time to do a cover reveal before release?)

Everyone is most welcome to take a whack at my blurb, from alumni to the unpublished, I encourage it. Be as cruel as you like. I may not use what you suggest, but I certainly appreciate the input 

================
*TRY #1*

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera continue their adventures in Ley, where they quickly discover the land and people in turmoil. After their legendary mentor leaves on a sacred quest, they're forced to make a hasty escape, only to suffer a bitter betrayal and then imprisonment--all while trying to learn new spells.

As Augum struggles to understand the meaning of sacrifice, Leera grapples with forgiveness and Bridget with life itself. When they suddenly discover their beloved mentor heads for a trap, they try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for.

_Riven_ is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller _Arcane_, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

================

*TRY #2*

_Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And learning new spells._

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera have been captured! And by a most loathsome selection of miscreants. As they do everything they can to escape, their legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, embarks on a sacred quest. When they suddenly discover she's heading for a trap, they try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they could ever imagine.

_Riven_ is the epic sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller _Arcane_, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

================

*TRY #3*

_Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And trying new spells in prison..._

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Calculating. Psychotic. And training an insecure and volatile warlock their age in the brutal art of interrogation.

The second is a total lunatic, a paranoid and vain woman with slightly murderous tendencies. And she has one simple desire--to turn the trio into meek little servants. Meanwhile, the trio's legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, is unaware of their plight--and headed right for a trap. But trying to warn her costs them more than they'd ever imagined...

_Riven_ is the epic sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller _Arcane_, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

================

*TRY #4*

RIVEN is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller ARCANE, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

_Betrayal. Sacrifice. Forgiveness. And one awesome and ancient spell..._

All fourteen-year-old Augum, Bridget and Leera want is to study new spells and make their legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, proud. But when she unexpectedly departs on a crucial quest, they run afoul of ancient beings and are forced to make a hasty getaway--straight into the hands of a calculating maniac.

Now, prisoners of a man who's training a warlock their age in the brutal art of interrogation, the trio find they need to escape a second time--and they have to do it quickly, because their beloved mentor is heading straight for a trap. But saving her will exact a terrible price...

[Also: Should the "RIVEN is the sequel..." part be first or last in the blurb?]

================

*TRY #5 -- final?*

Augum, Bridget and Leera only want to study new spells and make their legendary mentor proud. But when she unexpectedly departs on a crucial quest, they run afoul of a devious old witch and are forced to make a hasty getaway--straight into the hands of a notorious maniac known as the Blade of Sorrows.

Prisoners of the Blade and his sadistic apprentice, the trio must face their greatest challenge yet: escape using nothing but an ancient spell with some nasty side effects. But more than their lives are at stake, for an entire kingdom's hopes rest with their mentor--and she's heading for a deadly trap.

_RIVEN (The Arinthian Line, Book 2) is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age adventure ARCANE (The Arinthian Line, Book 1)._

Thank you guys!


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## cinisajoy (Mar 10, 2013)

You said whack so where is

Knick knack patty whack give the dog a bone?

Just kidding congrats on your second book.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Haha, thanks, Cindy


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera continue their adventures in Ley, where they quickly discover the land and people are in turmoil. After their legendary mentor leaves on a sacred quest, they're forced to make a hasty escape, I think you should stop the sentence here. Also, why do they have to leave because their mentor goes on the quest? Can you give a little more specific detail here?only to suffer a bitter betrayal and then imprisonment--all while trying to learn new spells.I would cut the "all while trying to learn new spells" bit. It lightens up the sentence when the focus should be on the fact they've been imprisoned.

As Augum struggles to understand the meaning of sacrifice, Leera grapples with forgiveness and Bridget with life itself. When they suddenly discover their beloved mentor heads for a trap, they try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for.I like the end bit. Are they still imprisoned when they discover the trap? As I was reading, I was wondering how they got out of prison.


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## JeanneM (Mar 21, 2011)

I'm not so great at blurbs, so I won't torture you with advice, but wanted to say...I can't wait for Book Two!!


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## Silly Writer (Jul 15, 2013)

I got nothing. 

I think your blurb sounds great... Except...should it be 'is heading toward a trap,' instead of 'heads for a trap.'

I stumbled over that bit, but it might just be me looking for something wrong with the blurb.


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## Chris Fox (Oct 3, 2014)

CadyVance said:


> Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera continue their adventures in Ley, where they quickly discover the land and people are in turmoil. After their legendary mentor leaves on a sacred quest, they're forced to make a hasty escape, I think you should stop the sentence here. Also, why do they have to leave because their mentor goes on the quest? Can you give a little more specific detail here?only to suffer a bitter betrayal and then imprisonment--all while trying to learn new spells.I would cut the "all while trying to learn new spells" bit. It lightens up the sentence when the focus should be on the fact they've been imprisoned.
> 
> As Augum struggles to understand the meaning of sacrifice, Leera grapples with forgiveness and Bridget with life itself. When they suddenly discover their beloved mentor heads for a trap, they try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for.I like the end bit. Are they still imprisoned when they discover the trap? As I was reading, I was wondering how they got out of prison.


I think sacred quest is just enough info about the quest. It's archetypal and perfect for that genre. My 14 year old self would have been all over this book from the description. The sentence with 'all while learning new spells' could be reworked, but the information should stay. My 14 year old self would have perked up his ears, wondering what potent new magic my favorite warlock is going to get.

I think the only thing missing is a more immediate hook in the first sentence. Something to link the reader to the characters. Here's a rough example 'Being a 14 year old warlock isn't easy'.

I'm really glad I haven't read the first book yet. Now I can read the first two books without having to wait. Congrats on getting it into editing, man!


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2015)

Sever Bronny said:


> All right, dear friends, it's that time again! No, kids, not time to pull Uncle Sever's teeth out!
> 
> Book 2 is with my editor for a last round of polishing, so I thought I'd suffer through this. I have a cold or something so don't mind if I cough all over the page.
> 
> ...


Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera continue their adventures [POOR CHOICE OF WORDS. INSTEAD OF "CONTINUE ADVENTURES", BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT THEY DO - SEARCH FOR SOME TALISMAN? TRAIN TO MOVE OBJECTS WITH THEIR MINDS?] in Ley, where they quickly discover the land and people are in turmoil. [LAND AND PEOPLE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CONCEPTS - SEEMS A BIT OFF TO DESCRIBE THEM USING THE SAME VERB] After their legendary mentor [DOES EVERYONE KNOW WHO THIS "LEGENDARY MENTOR" IS?] leaves on a sacred quest, they're forced to make a hasty escape [ESCAPE FROM WHERE?], only to suffer a bitter betrayal and then imprisonment--all while [POOR CONSTRUCTION - LOSE THE "ALL WHILE"] trying to learn new spells.

As Augum struggles to understand the meaning of sacrifice, [WHAT SACRIFICE? ANIMAL? HUMAN? NOT EATING DONUTS FOR A WEEK?] Leera grapples with forgiveness [FORGIVENESS OF WHOM AND FOR WHAT AND WHY?] and Bridget with life itself. [SO&#8230; BRIDGET GRAPPLES WITH LIFE? DON'T WE ALL GRAPPLE WITH IT?] When they suddenly discover their beloved mentor heads for a trap, they try to save her [WAIT&#8230; THE MENTOR IS A "HER"? "TRY TO SAVE" SOUNDS A BIT WISHY WASHY TO ME&#8230;] by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for.

Riven is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller [NOT SURE I WOULD DESCRIBE A BOOK AS A "FANTASY COMING OF AGE BESTSELLER" - IS THAT THE CENTRAL POINT OF THE FIRST BOOK? SURELY THERE IS MORE TO IT THAN THAT. MAYBE "FANTASY EPIC"?] Arcane, [JUST CURIOUS - WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A BESTSELLER? ANY DANGER IN BEING PERCEIVED AS USING FALSE PUFFERY?] and the second novel in The Arinthian Line series.

[BTW, ISN'T A WARLOCK A MALE WITCH? WHY IS BRIDGET A WARLOCK? UNLESS BRIDGET IS A HE, NOT A SHE?]


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Fantastic stuff, guys, thank you to everyone. Keep it coming. I'm slow at digesting it, but I'll get there


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

Chris Fox said:


> The sentence with 'all while learning new spells' could be reworked, but the information should stay. My 14 year old self would have perked up his ears, wondering what potent new magic my favorite warlock is going to get.


Yeah, you're right. It's good information. Maybe there's a better way to word it.

I'm also glad I get to read these back-to-back. I really am intrigued about how they get out of prison!


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## ShayneRutherford (Mar 24, 2014)

Sever Bronny said:


> Cover reveal coming in a week or two (incidentally, when is the ideal time to do a cover reveal before release?)


I keep telling you, it's 24 days (I say, with no hidden agenda whatsoever ).



Sever Bronny said:


> Everyone is most welcome to take a whack at my blurb, from alumni to the unpublished, I encourage it. Be as cruel as you like. I may not use what you suggest, but I certainly appreciate the input
> 
> ================
> 
> ...


I like it. Sounds like the kind of thing I'd have loved to read when I was a kid.


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## Chris Fox (Oct 3, 2014)

ShayneRutherford said:


> I keep telling you, it's 24 days (I say, with no hidden agenda whatsoever ).


On the cover reveal question I'd say as far out as you can get an Amazon pre-order. Fans love cover art and the sooner you can show it to them the sooner you've made the next book 'real' in their minds.


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

I think you should the cover reveal on January 28th.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Sheeze, you guys are incorrigible =P

Frantically working away on the blurb. Gah, it's not going too well, and nothing flows nearly as smooth as that first go. Twiddling with details here.


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## ShayneRutherford (Mar 24, 2014)

CadyVance said:


> I think you should the cover reveal on January 28th.


See, Cady totally agrees with me.


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## Jack Krenneck (Feb 9, 2014)

Blurbs for book two and onward are hard...

My take on this blurb is that it's written with a specific audience in mind: buyers of book one. That's not a bad tactic, especially when book one is selling well.

On the other hand, there's a massive audience out there of people who haven't read the first book in your series. For many of them, book two will be the introduction to your books. If they like that blurb, they'll go to check out the earlier one. For that reason I would remove anything that looks like an assumption that the reader is familiar with book one (you have several of them) and that this is some kind of ongoing adventure. The blurb has to make perfect sense without prior knowledge/reference, hook them from the first line, and then propel them back to book one.

I think you need a stronger hook and to focus immediately on the conflict that drives the story. And to keep it simpler - you have a lot going on in the blurb, but it reads more like a summary than a tempting book description.  

Hope that helps.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Excellent points, Jack, thank you!


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## Chris Fox (Oct 3, 2014)

Sever Bronny said:


> Sheeze, you guys are incorrigible =P
> 
> Frantically working away on the blurb. Gah, it's not going too well, and nothing flows nearly as smooth as that first go. Twiddling with details here.


I'd take the evening off. Just read comments and let it marinate until tomorrow morning, then have another go at it =)


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Delusion of Grandeur said:


> As Augum struggles to understand the meaning of sacrifice, [WHAT SACRIFICE? ANIMAL? HUMAN? NOT EATING DONUTS FOR A WEEK?] Leera grapples with forgiveness [FORGIVENESS OF WHOM AND FOR WHAT AND WHY?] and Bridget with life itself. [SO... BRIDGET GRAPPLES WITH LIFE? DON'T WE ALL GRAPPLE WITH IT?] When they suddenly discover their beloved mentor heads for a trap, they try to save her [WAIT... THE MENTOR IS A "HER"? "TRY TO SAVE" SOUNDS A BIT WISHY WASHY TO ME...] by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for.
> 
> Riven is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller [NOT SURE I WOULD DESCRIBE A BOOK AS A "FANTASY COMING OF AGE BESTSELLER" -- IS THAT THE CENTRAL POINT OF THE FIRST BOOK? SURELY THERE IS MORE TO IT THAN THAT. MAYBE "FANTASY EPIC"?] Arcane, [JUST CURIOUS -- WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A BESTSELLER? ANY DANGER IN BEING PERCEIVED AS USING FALSE PUFFERY?] and the second novel in The Arinthian Line series.
> 
> [BTW, ISN'T A WARLOCK A MALE WITCH? WHY IS BRIDGET A WARLOCK? UNLESS BRIDGET IS A HE, NOT A SHE?]


Thanks for the input 

Let me see if I can answer some of these questions. WARNING: a couple plot spoilers here.

The theme of the book is sacrifice. A lot of people sacrifice themselves for the trio so they can continue on in their grand quest of trying to defeat the Lord of the Legion. Augum, the protagonist, struggles with this. Meanwhile, Leera grapples with forgiving someone who returns to the fold, so to speak, someone who used to be an enemy but now is lost and trying to find their way back to being a good person again. And Bridget struggles with a serious crippling injury (but how to word it without giving that away?) that may or may not be permanent.

I don't want to give too many specifics because it'd give the plot away, and there are a few big surprises in this book.

Onwards: yes, the mentor is a very old woman who happens to be a legendary warlock too.

And in this series, men and women are warlocks. Not wizards, or witches, but just warlocks. Oh, and magic is arcanery too, to muddle the waters further 

Lastly, regarding the bestseller tag: It's been in the top 10 in its fantasy coming of age genre since it hit the charts mid December, and since Amazon uses the word Bestseller right on the chart page, I think it's fair to call it that as long it maintains its ranking. Here it is in teen fantasy coming of age too. If it slips, I'll remove it from the description though.

And thanks, Chris, I'll probably end up doing that eventually


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## Christine_C (Jun 29, 2014)

"Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera continue their adventures in Ley, where they quickly discover the land and people are in turmoil."

Is Ley someplace that they travel to for some reason? Or are the already in Ley?


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

They're already in Ley after arriving at end of book 2. But I don't even have to mention Ley if it's a plot spoiler or something, or even unnecessary.

Some additional notes:

They just acquired their 1st degree (it's a leveling thing for warlocks) and are working on their 2nd degree


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2015)

> The theme of the book is sacrifice. A lot of people sacrifice themselves for the trio so they can continue on in their grand quest of trying to defeat the Lord of the Legion. Augum, the protagonist, struggles with this. Meanwhile, Leera grapples with forgiving someone who returns to the fold, so to speak, someone who used to be an enemy but now is lost and trying to find their way back to being a good person again. And Bridget struggles with a serious crippling injury (but how to word it without giving that away?) that may or may not be permanent.


a lot of this seems to assume that the reader of the blurb is already well-familiar with book 1. as someone pointed out earlier - you might be giving up on everyone who _hasn't _read book 1. the other things - ok, but I would work on re-wording that paragraph to address these issues. They sort of raise flags for me, since I am not immersed in the entire story.



> I don't want to give too many specifics because it'd give the plot away, and there are a few big surprises in this book.


well, that's the art of it, isn't it?  



> Onwards: yes, the mentor is a very old woman who happens to be a legendary warlock too.


again - if your target audience is ONLY those who have read book 1 - OK. if not... it just seems like there is a lot of background that I (a new reader) don't have, and it's easier for me to just keep clicking on Amazon. Who is she? why is she legendary? Etc., etc.



> And in this series, men and women are warlocks. Not wizards, or witches, but just warlocks. Oh, and magic is arcanery too, to muddle the waters further


OK



> Lastly, regarding the bestseller tag: It's been in the top 10 in its fantasy coming of age genre since it hit the charts mid December, and since Amazon uses the word Bestseller right on the chart page, I think it's fair to call it that as long it maintains its ranking. Here it is in teen fantasy coming of age too. If it slips, I'll remove it from the description though.


OK. I wasn't complaining  just making sure there is no disconnect there.


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## Christine_C (Jun 29, 2014)

Oh I see... I would say maybe don't mention the city name since there are a lot of names at once. I like the 1st degree business as it makes it clear that there's a magic school element.

Can you start with something vaguely like "After achieving their first degree in magic, fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera find their celebrations cut short when confronted with X"? [something more specific than turmoil?]


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Awesome points once again, you two, thanks 

Yes I most certainly will be broadening the appeal of the blurb. It was indeed too specifically geared to readers of book 1 (though to be fair, this book does not stand on its own--book 1 is required reading).

CN--yeah I'll have to figure that out too


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## Salvador Mercer (Jan 1, 2015)

Sever Bronny said:


> Awesome points once again, you two, thanks
> 
> Yes I most certainly will be broadening the appeal of the blurb. It was indeed too specifically geared to readers of book 1 (though to be fair, this book does not stand on its own--book 1 is required reading).
> 
> CN--yeah I'll have to figure that out too


Ok then, that KU borrow that just showed up on your author stats page was me downloading book 1. I'll get to it this weekend (or Friday if I make good progress on Ambrose's book 1) then I'll be able to give you my 2 cents next week 

Karma, such a wonderful thing hehe.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

I'm quite flattered, Salvador, thank you   
Hope you enjoy it!Please don't hate it hnggggg


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## Marina Finlayson (May 2, 2014)

I think the wording is too general and vague, but at the same time it feels like the blurb is giving away too much of the plot. How far into the book does the sequence escape-betrayal-imprisonment-discovery of trap take us? You don't want to be summarising half the book or more in the blurb.

"Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera continue their adventures in Ley, where they quickly discover the land and people are in turmoil. After their legendary mentor leaves on a sacred quest, they're forced to make a hasty escape, only to suffer a bitter betrayal and then imprisonment--all while trying to learn new spells."

land and people in turmoil: too vague. Are we talking natural disasters, wars, magical problems? What impact, if any, does this have on the trio specifically? Or is it just background?
hasty escape: a bit cliche. Also vague. Who or what are they escaping from? (ie is this the antagonist at work?)
bitter betrayal: also cliched and vague. Who betrays them? In what way?
and then imprisonment: for what crime are they imprisoned? Also the recitation of escape, betrayal "and then imprisonment" sounds like telling the plot: "this happens then this happens then this happens" which isn't really what you want in a blurb

"As Augum struggles to understand the meaning of sacrifice, Leera grapples with forgiveness and Bridget with life itself."

I understand you don't want to give too much away, but this sentence is so vague it's almost meaningless. It's also unclear whether they're still in prison at this point.

"When they suddenly discover their beloved mentor heads for a trap, they try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for."

This sounds almost like the climax of the book. If so it's too far into the book to be in the blurb.

Without knowing more about it I can't give you much help rewriting it. What happens at the beginning of the book to set the plot in motion? I'm guessing it's something to do with the "turmoil" and the reason for the mentor's quest.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Yeah I agree, Marina, on pretty much all your points.

Here's another try:

=====================

_Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And learning new spells ..._

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera have been captured by a most loathsome selection of miscreants. As they do everything they can to escape, their legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, embarks on a quest for answers on how to defeat the man responsible for a great deal of death and misery--the Lord of the Legion.

Except she's heading for a trap, and only the trio know. They try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for.

_Riven_ is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller _Arcane_, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

======================

That gambling part is at the end sequence of the book.

Additional possibilities:

Meanwhile, Leera struggles with forgiveness when a former enemy saves their lives.

Also, something about Augum struggling with the fact so many sacrifice themselves for the trio.


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

I like this version much better!

The "learning new spells" bit still seems a bit off. What about: New magic, sacrifice, forgiveness and betrayal...


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## Salvador Mercer (Jan 1, 2015)

CadyVance said:


> I like this version much better!
> 
> The "learning new spells" bit still seems a bit off. What about: New magic, sacrifice, forgiveness and betrayal...


OOHH! I like! 

I'll need to hire you for my blurb soon


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## Marina Finlayson (May 2, 2014)

I like this version better, though it could still be improved.

"Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And learning new spells ..."

I'm assuming the juxtaposition of the serious "betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness" with the lighter "and learning new spells" is meant to be humorous? If so, I think it's fine.

"Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera have been captured by a most loathsome selection of miscreants. As they do everything they can to escape, their legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, embarks on a quest for answers on how to defeat the man responsible for a great deal of death and misery--the Lord of the Legion."

"a most loathsome selection of miscreants": Again, I'm reading this as a little light-hearted humour. If it's not meant to be, it's a problem. Are these miscreants connected with the Lord of the Legion? If so, I think it would be helpful to say so, and make it seem less like a random abduction. 
"As they do everything they can to escape, their legendary mentor": From the sentence structure, I kind of expect this to lead into their mentor's efforts to save them, but she's off doing something else. It's a bit of a disconnect. Doesn't she know they've been captured? Or is what she's doing too important to go help them?
Also "as they do everything they can to escape" sounds a little weak. How about "as they struggle to escape" or "while they hatch escape plans" if I'm reading it right and there is a bit of humour in it.
"embarks on a quest for answers, etc" feels a bit long-winded and could do with some re-wording.

"Except she's heading for a trap, and only the trio know. They try to save her by gambling on an ancient and dangerous spell ... that costs them more than they ever bargained for."

I like that only they know it's a trap, but if the gambling is happening at the end of the book, it's too late to be in the blurb.

How about something like this? (I've assumed some answers to my questions which might not actually work for you, but you could adjust as needed.)

"Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera have been captured by a band of miscreants working for the dreaded Lord of the Legion. Their legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, cannot save them. Her quest to find a way to stop the Lord of the Legion cannot wait. If they are to escape they must rely on their own wits and spell-casting abilities.

And escape they must, for only the three young warlocks know of the trap awaiting Stone. But the price for saving her could be higher than they'd ever imagined."


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## Julz (Oct 30, 2014)

I decided to pick up the first book based on the blurb of the second, if that counts for anything  Good luck!!


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Thank you so much for the new suggestions, Marina. I've gone over them all 

And thank _you_, Julz, I'm very grateful (and it's also a good sign!) : ) 

All right, so I came up with this one, which is a slight departure. What do you all think:

*TRY #3*

_Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And trying new spells in prison..._

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Psychotic. And training a vicious warlock their age in the brutal art of the question.

The second is a crazy and vain woman, a warlock with slightly murderous tendencies and a simple desire-turning the trio into meek little servants. Meanwhile, the trio's legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, is oblivious--and headed right for a trap.

But trying to save her costs them more than they'd ever imagined...

_Riven_ is the epic sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller _Arcane_, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

P.S. I want to use the word "epic" somewhere, but in its current place, it feels like this book is the "epic finale" to two-part series, when it's only book 2 in a 5 part series. But it _is_ epic, that much I know. I can say that about this book, but not the first. And this book is almost twice as long too. Anyway ... how to fit it in ...?


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## Marina Finlayson (May 2, 2014)

This one feels too much about the "miscreants", as if it's their story (though the Blade of Sorrows sounds cool!) And "miscreant" sounds too tame to describe someone like him. The second adversary doesn't sound exciting enough to take up so much of the blurb.

Blurb-writing is hard! I feel for you.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Nah, I'm fine, really.


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## Patty Jansen (Apr 5, 2011)

FWIW, I think there is nothing wrong with the second try. It gets the message across, even that this is early YA. The third one is losing clarity because it's trying too hard.


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## Deborahsmith author (Jul 23, 2013)

Number three.. Hands down.

I write a lot of the blurbs for Bell Bridge Books, and -- with the brainstorming of an ace partner-- we've spent mucho time studying the matter. 

Three is more intimate and personal, sounds like more fun, and identifies the villains and situations in a more compelling way. We aim for the life-or-death emotions, or whatever the closest factors are, without going into exaggeration that oversells the story. "She was the only one who could save the universe," kind of thing. Sounds like a great project!


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## Axel Blackwell (Aug 10, 2014)

Sheesh! Late to the party again. Looks like these guys have got you straightened out,though. Nothing more to add.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Thank you Marina, Patty, and Deborah. Very much appreciate the input 

Yeah I'm leaning towards #3 too. It does sound the most personal and fun, which is perfect for the target audience (14-year-olds). Now I just need to focus on the wording. Here come the fun details.

Never late to this kind of party, Axel! Grab a cone hat and have a seat =P


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Hmm, for the following, which bold line is better?

_Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And trying new spells in prison..._

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Calculating. Psychotic. And training a vicious warlock their age in the brutal art of the question.

The second is a total lunatic, a vain woman with slightly murderous tendencies and one simple desire--to turn the trio into meek little servants. Meanwhile, the trio's legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, is oblivious--and headed right for a trap. *But trying to save her costs them more than they'd ever imagined...*

_Riven_ is the epic sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller _Arcane_, and the second novel in _The Arinthian Line_ series.

Or should it be: *But trying to save her will cost them more than they could ever imagine...*


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## Patty Jansen (Apr 5, 2011)

Never mind that part. It's this part that I really don't get and can't parse:



> Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Calculating. Psychotic. And training a vicious warlock their age in the brutal art of the question.


I'm going "What the..." at the last sentence. No idea what it means or how it relates to the previous sentences.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Hmm, yeah, that could be a problem then. _The art of the question_ refers to the medieval practice of putting people to the question. But how to word it so it's digestible and easily understood?


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Hmm, or:

brutal art of the interrogation
brutal art of interrogation
art of interrogation
art of the interrogation

Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Calculating. Psychotic. And training a vicious warlock their age in the brutal art of interrogation.


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## Midnight Whimsy (Jun 25, 2013)

Sever Bronny said:


> *TRY #3*
> 
> _Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And trying new spells in prison..._
> 
> ...


(1) Are they captured before the story opens? If not, I would recommend setting the stage first. Remember, a big part of your Book 2 blurb is to orient new readers just enough to get them to go look at Book 1. It also makes the kidnapping conflict seem even more...conflicty. (Sorry, low on sleep right now.)

(2) Is this a person or a thing?

(3) This is really choppy. (I know, I did the exact same thing in my blurb, am I hypocrite or what? But my narration is much more "character voice" than yours, so I would recommend something like, "The first is the Blade of Sorrows--cold, psychotic, and happily training a vicious warlock in brutal, forbidden magic.")

(4) Why is there so much emphasis on her being a woman? Why not just "a crazy and vain warlock with murderous tendencies and a deep desire to turn the trio into her meek little slaves." Also, why only _slightly _murderous? Seems less threatening than overtly murderous. 

(5) Are they kidnapped by both these villains at once? A little confused there.

(6) Okay, so we have two villains and the trio in danger... do we actually need anything else? At this point, I'm much more interested in the teens than their mentor, and since there's so little detail about the trap or the costs of saving her, I feel like it dilutes the tension rather than adding to it. I think it either needs to be tied in better or dropped.

(7) This does have a bit of the ring of finality to it...

I think you're headed in the right direction, but I suspect the problem is that you're covering too much "time" in the blurb. In my experience, the strongest blurbs sit in one spot in time, usually around the end of the first act. Everything from the first act is the past, then the conflict the character faces now is the present (where we're "living" on the timeline), and the blurb ends with the future -- the even greater challenges to come. Here is a terrible example:

_All fourteen-year-old Augum, Bridget, and Leera want to do is study their new spells and pass their Warlock exams. But when their mentor departs on a sudden, important quest, abandoning the teens, they screw up some crap and get run out of the city--straight into the clutches of some nasty miscreants.

Now, prisoners of a cold and psychotic talking sword and a vain warlock with a thing for mindless servants, the trio needs to escape before they get brainwashed--or worse. But time is running out faster than even they realize, because their mentor's important quest is a trap--and if they can't save her, the entire kingdom will pay the price. Cheese._

All right, now that you're done cringing from that load of awful, you can see the structure -- already happened, followed by current situation, followed by future. Where they were -> crap they're in now -> worse crap they need to deal with. Not all blurbs follow this, of course, but it's a great starting point and I think it would bring a lot of clarity and purpose to your blurb. My suggestion, at any rate.

Best of luck! 

M.W

_Edited because tired and comprehensibility and...you know._


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## Jack Krenneck (Feb 9, 2014)

I think version 2 is the best. And it's _much_ better than version 1.

The problem that I see with version 3 is that much of it is taken up with stuff about the captors and not the main characters.

Your tagline has the same feel to it as the one for book 1. That's a good thing. However, it's not really a strong hook. There's no pressing issue, or question being raised. And it emphasizes your themes, but I'm not sure that the majority of people buy on that basis. Plot related elements might serve you better.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Thank you, MW, for taking the time--amazing points. I have a lot to go over it seems. I'll digest what you said tomorrow after work, and see if I can't get a fourth version together.

And thank you too, Jack--you're spot on about the hook. Needs work. Too much about theme right now.


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## SBJones (Jun 13, 2011)

Sever Bronny said:


> Hmm, for the following, which bold line is better?
> 
> _Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And trying new spells in prison..._
> Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Calculating. Psychotic. And training a vicious warlock their age in the brutal art of the question.
> ...


I am bad at writing blurbs.

I would get rid of the bit in italics. It doesn't mean anything to people who have read book one or stumbled upon book two first that might be intrigued to look for book one unless we ended book one in prison. You will want to keep your blurb linear. Don't tell us they end up in prison at chapter 15 then go back and give us setup that happens in chapter 2.

This is your second book in the series so the blurb has double duty of enticing new readers into the series and reminding people who read book one about what's going on. I would start off with at least one sentence if not a paragraph that reminds us what ended up happening at the end of book one. Be specific but don't spoiling how they did it. "Will cost them" This is a late book spoiler. Use something like "they would have to choose" You just told us that it's gonna be bad for them. Foreshadow it, don't tell it. The two bad guys have no motivation to capture our heroes. Are there events in book one that could be used as a reminder about who these two are that you could use? If these are just "boss fights" because the heroes are trying to rescue the mentor, then tell us or scrap it because they are inconsequential to the main series arc. Do we as readers even care about the mentor's quest, or are we going on a rescue with the heroes that doesn't go as planned? You have several blurbs and they go in different directions.

"After surviving their trials in book one, warlocks one and two do something with their mentor that sets up paragraph two." 1-3 sentences
"Give us new trials to face or remind us of old bad guys if they are still around and tie it in with the danger hinted at paragraph one." 2-4 sentences
"Wrap it up with the call to action with a hint of consequence, but avoid any mid to late book spoilers." 1-3 sentences

That's how I probably would start to lay out the blurb for a second novel. A reminder, no spoilers, setup and rising tension with each sentence or paragraph. I would also get rid of "this is a coming of age fantasy book" at the end. The cover and blurb should tell us exactly what genera we are in. But telling the customer this is book two is fine.


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## Marina Finlayson (May 2, 2014)

I like Midnight Whimsy's example. The original blurb 3 seems to be all about the antagonists, and this fixes that problem. Nice structure!


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## R. M. Webb (Jul 24, 2014)

It's early. I'm tired. I'm not even supposed to be on Kboards. I'm supposed to be writing. That all said, here I am with just one more thing for you to wrestle with.

I stumble over _"And trying new spells in prison..."_

I don't (currently) have any suggestions for you. I'll pop back later in the day after I've had more coffee.

Other than that, CONGRATULATIONS ON FINISHING BOOK TWO! Well done! I hope wish you much continued success.


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

Sever Bronny said:


> Nah, I'm fine, really.


Hehehe!


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

I really like Midnight Whimsey's opening of the blurb. It gets the information about the learning new spells in there and orientates the reader into the world.


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## ShayneRutherford (Mar 24, 2014)

Midnight Whimsy said:


> I think you're headed in the right direction, but I suspect the problem is that you're covering too much "time" in the blurb. In my experience, the strongest blurbs sit in one spot in time, usually around the end of the first act. Everything from the first act is the past, then the conflict the character faces now is the present (where we're "living" on the timeline), and the blurb ends with the future -- the even greater challenges to come. Here is a terrible example:
> 
> _All fourteen-year-old Augum, Bridget, and Leera want to do is study their new spells and pass their Warlock exams. But when their mentor departs on a sudden, important quest, abandoning the teens, they screw up some crap and get run out of the city--straight into the clutches of some nasty miscreants.
> 
> Now, prisoners of a cold and psychotic talking sword and a vain warlock with a thing for mindless servants, the trio needs to escape before they get brainwashed--or worse. But time is running out faster than even they realize, because their mentor's important quest is a trap--and if they can't save her, the entire kingdom will pay the price. Cheese._


I think, with a bit of tweaking for detail and punch, Midnight Whimsy's blurb could really kick some butt.


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## DawnLee (Aug 17, 2014)

You've gotten some great advice from people who know the genre much better than I. I agree with tweaking the blurb using Midnight's advice and making it more approachable for people who haven't read Arcane. You're more than able to do those two things, which means you're going to kick some butt. And that's the nicest thing I'm going to say to you all month, because you're annoying.


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## EC Sheedy (Feb 24, 2011)

Here's a stab at the blurb from someone who does not write fantasy--so we all know how this should go. I've tried to add some power words, but as I don't know what is best for fantasy, I may well be off by a mile. Anyway, it's a bit of new template... (I should add that I'm not sure I understand the use of the word miscreant (I see it as a very *light* word, more along the lines of mischief than danger, but I'm assuming it might carry some other weight/meaning in the world created in the story, so I left it.)
______________________

RIVEN is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller ARCANE, and the second novel in The Arinthian Line series. Travel again with fourteen-year old warlock Augum and his friends, Bridget and Leera, to the land of Ley.

*Three untried Warlocks. Two evil miscreants. One ancient and dangerous spell. *

Young Augum and his friends discover their beloved and legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, has left (abandoned/deserted) them to embark on a secret and sacred quest. A quest, Augum learns, more perilous than she knows, one that may cost her life.

The young warlocks must warn her, save her&#8230; And they must do it within the fortnight. (I have a fondness for ticking clocks )

They don't expect that along the way their lives, too, will be in danger, that they will meet and must somehow best two powerful/pitiless/merciless miscreants.

The Blade of Sorrows, a cold, calculating psychotic, wants Augum and his friends to train his newest and nastiest underling, an insecure and volatile fledgling/novice/neophyte warlock, in the brutal art of interrogation.

* (Mary Jane),* a vain and arrogant paranoiac with murderous proclivities/intentions, merely wants to crush their wills and enslave them in her service.

To overcome these evils and succeed in finding Atticus, Augum must find a power within himself as old as magic itself. An ancient spell that, if used, will save Atticus and change Augum's life forever. (Have no idea of the stakes of this ancient spell, so just blabbering here.)


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## Jack Krenneck (Feb 9, 2014)

I said earlier that I liked version 2 better than 3. This was because the emphasis was taken away from the main characters and placed on the captors (and the mentor).

Sometimes a different way of looking at things helps. Here's version 3, all in plain text except for the elements of the blurb where the main characters are proactively doing something. Those parts are in bold.

****​
Betrayal, sacrifice, forgiveness. And trying new spells in prison...

*Fourteen-year-old warlocks Augum, Bridget and Leera* are captured by two very different miscreants. The first is the Blade of Sorrows. Cold. Calculating. Psychotic. And training an insecure and volatile warlock their age in the brutal art of interrogation.

The second is a total lunatic, a paranoid and vain woman with slightly murderous tendencies. And she has one simple desire--to turn the trio into meek little servants. Meanwhile, the trio's legendary mentor, Anna Atticus Stone, is unaware of their plight--and headed right for a trap. *But trying to warn her costs them more than they'd ever imagined...*

Riven is the epic sequel to the fantasy coming of age bestseller Arcane, and the second novel in The Arinthian Line series.

****​
In version 3 the main characters are borderline irrelevant to the blurb. That can't be good...


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

I just wanted to express my deepest thanks to you all for your contributions. I have so much to think over here. I don't expect to have a new version up for at least a couple days. I hope you'll bear with me, and weigh in one last time after I post a new version. 

Again, you guys are amazing, thank you


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## Kate Starbird (Dec 11, 2014)

I was drawn over here by your request on Twitter and, WOW! You received a lot of good advice! As you're working on that revision, I just wanted to add that the blurbs that draw me in most as a reader are the ones that describe the setup without revealing much of the plot. Think hook. Can't wait to see what you come up with.


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

Sever Bronny said:


> I just wanted to express my deepest thanks to you all for your contributions. I have so much to think over here. I don't expect to have a new version up for at least a couple days. I hope you'll bear with me, and weigh in one last time after I post a new version.
> 
> Again, you guys are amazing, thank you


Ahem. And the cover reveal??


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## ShayneRutherford (Mar 24, 2014)

CadyVance said:


> Ahem. And the cover reveal??


I second this.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

All right, I've received some amazing advice and help from you wonderful people. I can't say how grateful I am. I only wish I could have used all your suggestions! =P

Here's what I'm hoping is the final incarnation:

=========================

All Augum, Bridget and Leera want is to study new spells and make their legendary mentor proud. But when she unexpectedly departs on a crucial quest, they run afoul of a devious old witch and are forced to make a hasty getaway-straight into the hands of a notorious maniac known as the Blade of Sorrows.

Prisoners of the Blade and his sadistic apprentice, the trio must face their greatest challenge yet: escape using nothing but an ancient spell with tricky side effects. But more than their lives are at stake, for an entire kingdom's hopes rest with their mentor-and she's heading for a deadly trap.

_RIVEN (The Arinthian Line, Book 2) is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age adventure ARCANE (The Arinthian Line, Book 1)._

=========================

Cover reveal coming soon


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## EC Sheedy (Feb 24, 2011)

Sever Bronny said:


> All right, I've received some amazing advice and help from you wonderful people. I can't say how grateful I am. I only wish I could have used all your suggestions! =P
> 
> Here's what I'm hoping is the final incarnation:
> 
> ...


I'd call this blurb done, Sever! It capsulizes the goal, motivation and conflict--and it's got some great hook/power words: crucial quest, devious, getaway, notorious maniac, sadistic, ancient, deadly. (I'm maybe a little uncertain about the word tricky...)

I think your blurb is superb.  (And I make no apologies for my bad rhyme.)


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Aww thanks, EC! And thank you for your consistently awesome advice throughout this most difficult, arduous, tooth-pulling process   

That's two I owe you now!


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## Claire Frank (Jul 28, 2014)

Yeah, really good. I missed the party on helping (sorry! but you already had great advice), but I think this one is pretty spot on.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Awesome, thanks, Claire!


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## Jack Krenneck (Feb 9, 2014)

I think that's the best blurb so far. A few comments though:

All Augum: I stumbled over this. For a moment I thought I was reading a foreign language - it sounded like some sort of Latin chant.

and his sadistic apprentice: Is this adding anything? I think it's only making things needlessly more complicated by adding an unnecessary character (to the blurb, not the book).

tricky: I stumbled over this one too. The tone doesn't seem to fit the more serious nature of the rest of the blurb - it kind of devalued the seriousness of the rest.

Hope that helps.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Thanks, Jack!

Yeah that "tricky" word will have to be rethought, if possible even. The spell has tricky side effects, so I can't think of a more appropriate word, but I'll run it through another thesaurus pass and see if I can find a better word


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## R. M. Webb (Jul 24, 2014)

I stumbled over Augum as well. Is it possible to put Bridget first in the list of names or is Augum the clear and definitive protagonist and has therfore earned his place at the front of the line?


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## R. M. Webb (Jul 24, 2014)

Forgot to add that version #5 is worth all the work you've put in! Nicely done!


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

I'll see what I can do--don't want any stumbling blocks, do we? 

And yes, Augum is the main protagonist and has to be mentioned first.

Thanks, RM!


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## Claire Frank (Jul 28, 2014)

Could you add a "that" in there? 

"All that Augum, Bridget and Leera want..." 

Shrug. Just a thought.


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

Hmm, almost. What about:

Augum, Bridget and Leera only want to study new spells and make their legendary mentor proud. But when she unexpectedly departs on a crucial quest, they run afoul of a devious old witch and are forced to make a hasty getaway--straight into the hands of a notorious maniac known as the Blade of Sorrows.

Prisoners of the Blade and his sadistic apprentice, the trio must face their greatest challenge yet: escape using nothing but an ancient spell with nasty side effects. But more than their lives are at stake, for an entire kingdom's hopes rest with their mentor--and she's heading for a deadly trap.

RIVEN (The Arinthian Line, Book 2) is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age adventure ARCANE (The Arinthian Line, Book 1).


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## ufwriter (Jan 12, 2015)

It's looking really good!


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## Sever Bronny (May 13, 2013)

YAY! Done!   Thank you to everyone who helped out!! Even if your suggestions didn't make it into the final mix, it certainly helped shape it  
Here's the final version:

Augum, Bridget and Leera only want to study new spells and make their legendary mentor proud. But when she unexpectedly departs on a crucial quest, they run afoul of a devious old witch and are forced to make a hasty getaway--straight into the hands of a notorious maniac known as the Blade of Sorrows.

Prisoners of the Blade and his sadistic apprentice, the trio must face their greatest challenge yet: escape using nothing but an ancient spell with some nasty side effects. But more than their lives are at stake, for an entire kingdom's hopes rest with their mentor--and she's heading for a deadly trap.

_RIVEN (The Arinthian Line, Book 2) is the sequel to the fantasy coming of age adventure ARCANE (The Arinthian Line, Book 1)._

*Phew*. Can't tell you how relieved I am to still have all my teeth after this fiasco. Get it? Pulling teeth? Fine, I'll see myself out of my own thread...


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## ShayneRutherford (Mar 24, 2014)

Sever Bronny said:


> All right, I've received some amazing advice and help from you wonderful people. I can't say how grateful I am. I only wish I could have used all your suggestions! =P
> 
> Here's what I'm hoping is the final incarnation:
> 
> ...


I think you nailed it.


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