# In memory of my daughter



## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

I love you Kaitlyn. 1-19-90 to 4-11-13

http://welding81.wordpress.com/2013/07/17/if-i-die-young/


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## kindleworm (Aug 24, 2010)

I am praying for you and your family....the lyrics of the song are beautiful.


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## Tam (Jan 7, 2010)

My heart goes out to you and I just said a prayer for you and your family. My son is the same age as your Kaitlyn and I cannot even begint o imagine what you have been going through. I hope writing has been helpful to you.


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## balaspa (Dec 27, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that blogging will be cathartic for you as you work through this grief. I've had some pretty serious bouts of depression myself where I had to get help for my own thoughts of suicide, and I can tell you that this was not your fault. In my darkest hours, I never told anyone. And had it not been for my dog, who I honestly don't think could have gone on with out me, I probably would have. For anyone thinking about it, I would encourage you to get some hobbies and lots of rest. I never would have believed that my best days were yet to come, but life has gotten better. 

Kaitlyn was a beautiful girl. Keep blogging and sharing!


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## Carol (was Dara) (Feb 19, 2011)

Sending hugs and prayers your way. I was reciting _The Lady of Shalott _ to one of my little girls the other day while washing her hair. I too was reminded of _Anne of Green Gables_.


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

I never said thank you for the kind replies, but I do thank you.  Making that video was very therapeutic for me.


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## Seamonkey (Dec 2, 2008)

I went to play the video when you posted.  Lovely.  Just the other day I was shopping at Pet Supply, a local store here, and they often play interesting music.  Several times it was Hawai'ian music.  But this day, It was "If I Die Young".  Immediately I thought of your Kaitlyn, as I shopped for food and treats for my cat.


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## JRWoodward (Apr 26, 2011)

God bless you. We lost our nephew to suicide two years ago. It was a sad and permanent solution to a temporary problem. I can ply say that time and faith will help you accept what happened.


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

I do so wish someone would watch this one I recently made for Kaitlyn. No one responded to it the last time I posted it and it means more to me than all the others. It only last 4 minutes. I promise I won't post another video of my grief. I know this is supposed to be a happy place, and it once was for me. Now this is all I think about so I'm sorry it's carried over to here. Just allow me this one more...please. If you only knew the wonderful, gifted, talented, intelligent, loving person I lost when she took her life 4-11-13 leaving us all in shock, you would know why I keep this up.


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## Jane917 (Dec 29, 2009)

Rhonda, I watched this video and was very touched. Please do not stop posting about your beautiful Kaitlyn. So many of us have beautiful children the age of Kaitlyn, and our heart pours out to you. Our children are on loan to us, and we never know when we might lose them. Please, please keep posting about your thoughts, your grief, and your lovely daughters.


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## Lilith (Dec 25, 2010)

Rhonda, 

The video was lovely and very well done.  Your daughter was a lovely woman and my heart goes out to you and your family as you try to come to terms with her shocking death.

I mean this in the kindest way possible and I speak from experience when I say that I hope you are getting some professional help during this time.  Grief can be like an ocean and can swallow you.  I know it's hard to be there for other family members when you are hurting yourself.  Talking to a professional (or some people benefit from group therapy) can be a good way to articulate your feelings, the good and bad, and learn ways to cope with profound loss.  Using this board as a place to post your memories is a good idea and I hope you feel free to do so.  Online friends in some ways can be very good friends in times of crisis.  

I wish you the best and hope that one day the memories of your dear Kaitlyn bring a smile to your face and not a tear. 

Lilith


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

Lilith said:


> Rhonda,
> 
> The video was lovely and very well done. Your daughter was a lovely woman and my heart goes out to you and your family as you try to come to terms with her shocking death.
> 
> ...


Lilith, thank you and I don't mind your asking. But I do see a psychiatrist and go to grief counseling and have very supportive family. It's like throwing a drop of water into an erupting volcano. But I still go to these professionals and get a drop at a time. Then I go back home and feel just as bad.


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## 25803 (Oct 24, 2010)

Oh, Rhonda, the video is absolutely lovely. My heart breaks for you and your family.


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## Lilith (Dec 25, 2010)

Rhonda,

I am glad to hear you have a support structure in place.  Sometimes, the support group won't actually ease the grief but it can feel like a safety net that lets you come to your own peace without worrying that you are losing your mind (i.e, someone will let me know when I've gone off the deep edge, I can just focus on healing . . . .).

One thing that really helped me was to do some tangible things to get that person's name out there so it would live on - which can include things like donations in that person's name, scholarships, a bench/plaque/etc. in a favorite place, etc.  What I was shooting for was a stranger who might one day day, "I don't know who this person was but this memorial _(whatever)_ must have been done/put here by someone who loved this person very much." 

I am still not too articulate at this stage but I hope I at least got the gist of what I was trying to say across.

I wish for happier days for you and your family.

Lilith


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## MamaProfCrash (Dec 16, 2008)

Rhonda,

Your pain and grief are fully understandable. You lost your daughter far too early and in a way that is super painful. It is a recent event so it is not surprising that the help you have been receiving feels like a drop on a volcano. Keep with it, in time, the drop will feel like a mist. The mist will feel like a gentle shower. I have no personal experience with this type of loss so I don't speak from experience. I do know folks who have had to deal with the death of a child and what I have seen in them is that the pain never goes away but in time it changes to something more managable. Lilith has some great ideas. Maybe you could volunteer with a group that mentors children and provide a child or two or three some additional support. Or find an organization that works in an area that Kaitlyn loved and volunteer there. 

But don't feel like you have to heal over night, that doesn't happen. Don't feel like you have to hide your pain, that will not help you. Continue to reach out and accept the support that you are given. In time, you will see more light and be able to smile more easily. Just give yourself the time to get to that place.


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## Beatriz (Feb 22, 2011)

RhondaRN said:


> I love you Kaitlyn. 1-19-90 to 4-11-13
> 
> http://welding81.wordpress.com/2013/07/17/if-i-die-young/


My deepest condolences. The video was lovely as was your daughter. My personal advice to you, take time to grieve. A dear friend of mine had a similar tragedy (actually her son was murdered) and she never took the time to grieve, cheating herself out of lot of support. She was simply too busy carrying on. The result, she's a different person today. Grieving is essential in a situation like this. My prayers are with you.


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

RhondaRN said:


> I do so wish someone would watch this one I recently made for Kaitlyn. No one responded to it the last time I posted it and it means more to me than all the others. It only last 4 minutes. I promise I won't post another video of my grief. I know this is supposed to be a happy place, and it once was for me. Now this is all I think about so I'm sorry it's carried over to here. Just allow me this one more...please. If you only knew the wonderful, gifted, talented, intelligent, loving person I lost when she took her life 4-11-13 leaving us all in shock, you would know why I keep this up.


Rhonda,

I hope you continue to post here if it helps you deal with your grief, even for a few minutes. You are part of our KBoards family. *hugs* If you want, you might want to post consistently to this thread, then people can see past posts about your daughter as well as your latest post, as you've done this time.

We're thinking of you. Hugs again.

Betsy


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

This says it all.


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## Seamonkey (Dec 2, 2008)

Catching up here.  Another lovely video and if it helps even a drop's worth, that is something.  I would not want you to stop posting about your beautiful daughter, that's for sure.

And then I see you have posted the wonderful Dancing in the Sky.  That was sent to one of my families who lost their daughter to cancer recently.  She and her mom and sister are dancers..  

And I posted it to Zach Sobiech's site.. if you google him he's been in the news for his wonderful music he wrote to say goodbye.

Music can be a healer.

Seeing Kaitlyn with various cats, I think she's visited the Rainbow Bridge where there are cats she has knows and perhaps some cats who never got a home of their own.


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## Liz Davis (Dec 10, 2011)

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter so early. Reading about your daughter made me cry.
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

Thank you very much.


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## Grace Elliot (Mar 14, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. 
A dear friend lost her daughter earlier this year - at much the same age as Kaitlyn. Grief is such a dreadfully painful thing and for a while, not only did we lose Jess, but also my friend because her grief was so deep that she lost her own way. I pray that time will ease your pain and that you can find some peace. I'm so impressed you are talking about her and sharing your feelings. This is such a gift to your friends because they need to know how you are feeling at a time when they can feel so helpless - by sharing, you give them the chance to help and support you.
Much love,
Grace x


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

Thank you Grace.  I also feel like I've lost my way as well.


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## Someone Nameless (Jul 12, 2009)

Beautiful video of your beautiful daughter.  I carry you in my heart and prayers along with my friend that experienced this same thing with her son, Cortlyn, about the same time you did. 

Hugs.


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

Someone Nameless said:


> Beautiful video of your beautiful daughter. I carry you in my heart and prayers along with my friend that experienced this same thing with her son, Cortlyn, about the same time you did.
> 
> Hugs.


I believe I have talked to that lady a few times online on the facebook.


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## Vivienne Mathews (May 7, 2013)

RhondaRN said:


> I do so wish someone would watch this one I recently made for Kaitlyn. No one responded to it the last time I posted it and it means more to me than all the others. It only last 4 minutes. I promise I won't post another video of my grief. I know this is supposed to be a happy place, and it once was for me. Now this is all I think about so I'm sorry it's carried over to here. Just allow me this one more...please. If you only knew the wonderful, gifted, talented, intelligent, loving person I lost when she took her life 4-11-13 leaving us all in shock, you would know why I keep this up.


My heart is breaking for you and your beautiful daughter. Please don't ever apologize for being open enough to share your grief with this community -- or _any _community, for that matter. The world has shoulders and ears aplenty. I hope that you are able to find compassion from every corner of humanity for as long as you need it.

The warmest of hugs to you, my dear.


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## Lilith (Dec 25, 2010)

Rhonda,
Just checking in to see how you are faring. 
Hope the clouds are beginning to clear for you.
I think of you often.  Don't forget you have a lot of friends here at KB - not all of us post frequently but we follow along with others' posts and contribute when we choose.  
Let us hear from you occasionally, the good and the bad - we are here for you.
Fondly,
Lilith


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

Lilith said:


> Rhonda,
> Just checking in to see how you are faring.
> Hope the clouds are beginning to clear for you.
> I think of you often. Don't forget you have a lot of friends here at KB - not all of us post frequently but we follow along with others' posts and contribute when we choose.
> ...


Thank you for thinking of me. I wish I could tell you I'm doing better, but I'm not. Actually it is worse all the time. I'm still not working. I tried shadowing for a new job last month and I realized I could not do it yet, I just am too anxious to learn something new. It's been almost 6 months now and I suffer terribly. I will forever. It's just learning how to live with the pain. I haven't gotten there yet.


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## Taking my troll a$$ outta here (Apr 8, 2013)

I am so sorry. 
From one RN to another. I know how difficult it is to try to keep taking care of other people at work when your heart is broken. So sorry to see you hurting.


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

Here is what I'm doing to try to cope so fewer people will have to go through this and lose their lives senselessly. My niece Lisa is Team captain. Check it out.

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.team&teamID=50175


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## sebat (Nov 16, 2008)

I'm so very sorry, Rhonda.

I've had several friends that have lost children recently. It's a hard thing to watch because I know there's not a thing I can do to make it any easier for you or them. The link I've provided is from a blog post of a friend of my aunt's who lost her daughter 6 years ago. I'd like to say it gets easier but it doesn't. Eventually, you'll learn to lock that grief away and only revisit it when the time is right. Everyone grieves in their own way and own time frame. There's no reason to make apologies because it's been 6 months.

http://heartlinesbyanne.blogspot.com/2013/09/touch-of-nature.html?spref=fb


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## RhondaRN (Dec 27, 2009)

delete


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