# Outland - Be careful what you wish for



## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

*When the Yellowstone supervolcano erupts, it's up to six university students and their experimental physics project to prevent the end of civilization. 
*
When an experiment to study quantum uncertainty goes spectacularly wrong, physics student Richard and his friends find that they have accidentally created an inter-dimensional portal. They connect to an alternate Earth with identical geology, but where humans never evolved. They go panning for gold and become millionaires overnight, while fantasizing about Nobel Prizes and patents.

Then the Yellowstone supervolcano erupts on Earth in an explosion large enough to destroy civilization and kill half the planet. Richard and his friends have less than an afternoon to get as many people as possible across to Outland before Nebraska is covered in a lethal cloud of ash.

Now Richard finds himself in charge of a disorganized and frightened band of reluctant pioneers, on a world with none of the modern infrastructure that people have come to depend on. Richard has been a loner all his life, and has always wanted to be part of something bigger-- but this is far more than he bargained for. If he doesn't get this right, it's not just the lives of the people in his care that could be lost-- it may very well be the end of human civilization.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

It's bump day, but I don't want to just post "bump". That seems cheap. So here's a reason to visit. Or a reason to run screaming from the thread.


A group of boyscouts was taking a hike through the forest. As they were 
crossing a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water.
Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another 
carp.  Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river 
carp appeared and tossed the wallet back and forth.
"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Here we go. Paying for my dinner.


A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

The weekly bump:

A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Oops. Missed a couple of days. Sorry.

A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."

A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."

"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
The bartender ignores him.
"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
Still ignored.
"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."

The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."

"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
under the kilt?"
He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
really want to know.
The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally _sit_ on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
The kid shugs. "Everything's been okay 'til now".


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

A man walks into a bar. As he looks around, he realizes that he is hearing piano music, but there's no piano player. He goes over to look, and sees that there is someone playing the piano, but he's only one foot tall. Thinking this is kind of unusual, the man goes to the bartender and says "Hey, what's with the foot-tall piano player?".

The bartender just gets a disgusted look, pulls a lamp from under the counter, and says "Here. Rub this."

The man takes the lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. "What's your wish?" says the genie.

"I'd like a million bucks!" answers the man.

Immediately, a huge flock of ducks flies into the bar and settles around the man. "What the hell?" says he. "I didn't ask for a million ducks!"

Answers the bartender, "Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Yesterday was a holiday, so I forgot to post. So now I'm a day behind again, unless someone posts a response in this thread (see subforum rules).

Anyway, here's this week's groaner:

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less.  The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approve.

The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin.  I want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made."  Again, NASA okays it.

Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.  The crowd cheers.  

The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again.  

The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

FYI, Outland is on a Kindle countdown. It's $1.99 today, and $2.99 tomorrow.


An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 

After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, voluptuous woman.

After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.

The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"

"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young handsome prince!"

And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.

As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."

The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel.
"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me a postcard?"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot at mine, over there."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

This week, a literature-related item:



Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."

One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...

At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"

They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the four, "You haven't suggested a name 
for our ladies.  What are your thoughts?"

Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?"

"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.

"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife.

"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."

"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes.  Then, on the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!"

"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."

"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?"

"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to heal.  Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and ordered the dog brought in.  Just as he had suspected, the dog had rabies.  Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor felt he had to prepare him for the worst.  The poor man sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write.  His physician tried to comfort him.

"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will right now."

"I'm not making out any will," relied the man.  "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite!"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Been on vacation. Sorry for the cobwebs.

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through
and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and
waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten
up. They all wanted to know what had happened.

He explained he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his
ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over
and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow
Titelist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes
apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look
like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
for a few years.  He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
change over fairly often, and he's got a good life.  The only problem is the
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind
his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
passengers.
One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
the magician's end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.

"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
All I have in the world is this gun."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal.

The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."

"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.

"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"

"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Warning: Shaggy-dog story. Do not read if you are easily traumatized by bad puns.


Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day,
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
dolphins live forever!
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
steal one of these birds.
Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead.  He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...

"Change course 10 degrees South."

The reply was quickly flashed back...

"You change course 10 degrees North."

The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....

"I am a captain.  Change course 10 degrees South."

Back came the reply... "I am an able-seaman.  Change course 10 degrees North."

The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker.  CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"

Back came the reply... "I am a LIGHTHOUSE.  Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"

-- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

It's Punday.

Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"

A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her
husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"

A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He
kept favoring curry.

A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
game.  They had the volley of the Dills.


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon.  Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway.  Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.  Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 

Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greeted George.  "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George."

"What do you mean?" asked George.

"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.

"Oh, yes," said George.  "Well, we were married 17 years, you know."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to a man who answered one door.

"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.

"Forty dollars."

"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:

Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble, buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, "Okay. It's your wife."
"My wife!!"
"Yeah."
"What about her?"
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."


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## Dennis E. Taylor (Feb 10, 2015)

"Yo, Mike!"
"Yeah, Gabe?"
"We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
"I thought you fixed that last century!"
"No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
"Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"

-- Cold Fusion, 1989


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