# Need help with making your blurb the best it can be?



## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

2/15/2014

After a delightful response to my latest book, those crazy people want more.

Therefore, I'm out of the blurb business. Hope I managed to help a few people along the way. 

Good luck everyone.


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## K. D. (Jun 6, 2013)

I hope you are again between books when I finally finish my WIP ...


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

CeeDee said:


> I hope you are again between books when I finally finish my WIP ...


It's funny, but I am normally only part way through a WIP when I start writing mine. Then I change it to make if fit what the book finally becomes. I actually put it at the top of my first chapter and include it when I send it off to the editors.


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## K. D. (Jun 6, 2013)

Huh. Haven't even thought about a blurb 70k into the story. I have tag lines on chapters still to be written, but since I'm sure it still needs approx 30k until finished, a blurb didn't even cross my mind, yet. Although I'm considering to split it in 3 parts ... hmm.


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## Jan Hurst-Nicholson (Aug 25, 2010)

Thanks  Here goes.

General Fiction/Contemporary Romance

*Intrigue, scandal, suspense, and romance tinged with humour as one man faces the challenges of heading an all female community, and ultimately changes all their lives - including his own.*

Former US naval officer Adam Wild considers himself well equipped to restore discipline to the once prestigious St Mary's Academy for Girls in northern England - and he's not about to take No for an answer. Still in love with his late wife, he believes himself immune to the temptations of the female staff.

Jenna Murray has learned that she does not need a man in her life. She especially does not need Adam Wild, who has stolen the headship she feels should have been hers. Not about to go down without a fight she undermines his authority at every turn, until even the girls sense the underlying emotion in their constant sparring. But when a troubled girl makes a shocking allegation that threatens to derail Adam's career it gives Jenna the opportunity she's been waiting for.

But both Jenna and Adam are forced to re-evaluate their feelings when Nicole, Adam's late wife's kid sister - now all grown up - returns from Africa with a life-threatening condition and a startling request that Adam is unsure he can fulfil.

_Lust shouts. Love whispers. Only the heart knows the difference._


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## Calvin Locke (Mar 6, 2012)

CeeDee said:


> I hope you are again between books when I finally finish my WIP ...


Um, dumb question. What's a WIP?


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

CeeDee said:


> Huh. Haven't even thought about a blurb 70k into the story. I have tag lines on chapters still to be written, but since I'm sure it still needs approx 30k until finished, a blurb didn't even cross my mind, yet. Although I'm considering to split it in 3 parts ... hmm.


When you decide to write your blurb, then I suggest you choose a character and describe the main problem. After that, you can add the hook that will tempt the reader to buy. Think in terms of making that first sentence grab attention.

"She was going to die and there wasn't a thing she could do about it."


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## Calvin Locke (Mar 6, 2012)

Double-duh....work in progress?


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## K. D. (Jun 6, 2013)

Yes ..  LOL


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Jan Hurst-Nicholson said:


> Thanks  Here goes.
> 
> General Fiction/Contemporary Romance
> 
> ...


Not bad at all. I would ditch the first two parts and get right to the heart of the story. I think it has too many details, and some can be eliminated to make your blurb read easier. I'll break it down and you can go from there.

Restoring discipline at a girls academy should have been easy for ex-Navel officer Adam Wild. It wasn't, nor was it easy dealing with an all female staff.

Jenna Murray does not need a man in her life, especially the arrogant Adam Wild. Determined to bring him down, an allegation against him is just the ammunition she needs.


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## Sarah M (Apr 6, 2013)

Are you comfortable with first person blurbs?


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## Jan Hurst-Nicholson (Aug 25, 2010)

Martitalbott said:


> Not bad at all. I would ditch the first two parts and get right to the heart of the story. I think it has too many details, and some can be eliminated to make your blurb read easier. I'll break it down and you can go from there.
> 
> Restoring discipline at a girls academy should have been easy for ex-Navel officer Adam Wild. It wasn't, nor was it easy dealing with an all female staff.
> 
> Jenna Murray does not need a man in her life, especially the arrogant Adam Wild. Determined to bring him down, an allegation against him is just the ammunition she needs.


Thanks  I'll work on that. It will only be my 27th attempt


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

SBright said:


> Are you comfortable with first person blurbs?


I don't have a preference, I'm just here to help. You can and should straighten out the problems I create.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Jan Hurst-Nicholson said:


> Thanks  I'll work on that. It will only be my 27th attempt


I understand completely, I've changed mine a thousand times. That's the great thing about being an Indie and not having to go through a publisher to do it.

I know the one I did for you is over simplified, and looks thin, but you can always add what I call *power words.* For example, you can add, "handsome" Adam Wild." You can say, "Not shy a day in her life, Jenna does not need a man..."

That gives your characters some depth and makes your blurb stand out a little more.


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## beccaprice (Oct 1, 2011)

Marti: This is what I've currently got, for a 4000 word fairy tale:



> In the distant past, a city of wizards was menaced by horrible Nightmares. The wizards carved hideous gargoyles out of stone, bringing them to life using the magical Heart of Rock, to defend their city.
> 
> Now the Heart of Rock is needed to save another kingdom, and a one brave cobbler must find it.
> 
> ...


I've been told that the last paragraph really sums up the central question of the story, but I'm uncomfortable with having two paragraphs that end in questions. Can you help?

this is the other version I've got:



> Two kingdoms in crisis. Two heroes. One amulet.
> 
> In the distant past, a city of wizards was menaced by horrible Nightmares. The wizards carved hideous gargoyles out of stone, bringing them to life using the magic Heart of Rock, to defend their city.
> 
> ...


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## Sarah M (Apr 6, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> I don't have a preference, I'm just here to help. You can and should straighten out the problems I create.


Of course! I appreciate any and all help.  It's just that some people have preferences, like the whole love/hate first person present debate.

I need help with the first half. I don't know how to start it better, hmpf. It's awkward and I'm sure I'm screwing up tense and maybe needs a tagline?

---

When I finally go home after a year of traveling on my own, there's really only one person I want to see. But I know he won't be waiting for my arrival. It's the only reason I feel safe enough to come back.

I was wrong.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

beccaprice said:


> Marti: This is what I've currently got, for a 4000 word fairy tale:
> 
> I've been told that the last paragraph really sums up the central question of the story, but I'm uncomfortable with having two paragraphs that end in questions. Can you help?
> 
> this is the other version I've got:


I actually like this, but let's tighten it up a little. Are the wizards and the gargoyles the same? I would choose one or the other, to make it less confusing.
------
Long ago, a city of wizards suffered horrible Nightmares. They were saved when the wizards carved hideous gargoyles out of stone, and brought them to life using the magical Heart of Rock.

Now, the lost Heart of Rock is needed to save another kingdom, and one brave cobbler in the new kingdom must find it. Yet, the gargoyles cannot live without their talisman and if the cobbler finds it, they fear it will doom their kingdom.

Author's Note: Heart of Rock" is three interconnected short stories.
----
See if this helps.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

SBright said:


> Of course! I appreciate any and all help.  It's just that some people have preferences, like the whole love/hate first person present debate.
> 
> I need help with the first half. I don't know how to start it better, hmpf. It's awkward and I'm sure I'm screwing up tense and maybe needs a tagline?
> 
> ...


-----

After years of travel on my own, I was finally headed home. There was really only one person I wanted to see, but I knew he wouldn't be waiting to greet me.

(It's the only reason I feel safe enough to come back.) This sentence implies some kind of danger, if that's true, you need to define it better.

I was wrong. (excellent line.)


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## 69959 (May 14, 2013)

Thanks for the offer. I don't enjoy blurbs. In fact, I was going to use this for my upcoming novel (4th in the series): "She's going to pick the guy. If you've read the other three books, you'll want to find out who it is. See you inside." Ha! Instead, below is what I've come up with. It's for Ascension, cover is in my signature.

"Two hot guys want to marry Alexis. One is Alrekur, a three thousand year old vampire who has waited his entire life for her. The other is the love of her life, Cliff.

Who is she to choose? The prophecies say she’ll choose the ancient vampire. Alexis is has other plans. 

She’s determined to find a loophole. There’s one problem: None of the prophecies have ever been broken before. Can she find a loophole and be the first to defy the prophets?

Forced to spend time with Alrekur due to an international crisis, she begins to see his charm. Then a secret is revealed about Cliff, which causes Alexis to question their relationship. Do they have what it takes to stay together, or will the prophecies hold true once again?"


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## beccaprice (Oct 1, 2011)

Martitalbott said:


> I actually like this, but let's tighten it up a little. Are the wizards and the gargoyles the same? I would choose one or the other, to make it less confusing.
> ------
> Long ago, a city of wizards suffered horrible Nightmares. They were saved when the wizards carved hideous gargoyles out of stone, and brought them to life using the magical Heart of Rock.
> 
> ...


No, the city of wizards is not the city that sends the cobbler out to find the talisman. I'm actually having a map made for the story, and have made it much clearer in the text that they are two entirely different kingdoms.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

beccaprice said:


> No, the city of wizards is not the city that sends the cobbler out to find the talisman. I'm actually having a map made for the story, and have made it much clearer in the text that they are two entirely different kingdoms.


Well, maybe this will help you see the confusion in the readers mind, and spell it out a little more in your blurb. Maybe you need to add the names of the kingdoms to clairfy.


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## Sarah M (Apr 6, 2013)

Thank you! Seeing it re-worded like that helps. I'll have to ponder how to define the tension better. Hmm.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Stacy Claflin said:


> Thanks for the offer. I don't enjoy blurbs. In fact, I was going to use this for my upcoming novel (4th in the series): "She's going to pick the guy. If you've read the other three books, you'll want to find out who it is. See you inside." Ha! Instead, below is what I've come up with. It's for Ascension, cover is in my signature.
> 
> "Two hot guys want to marry Alexis. One is Alrekur, a three thousand year old vampire who has waited his entire life for her. The other is the love of her life, Cliff.
> 
> ...


I haven't read your books, so I'll look at this as a stand-alone. First impression is that it gives the ending away.

"Two hot guys want to marry Alexis. One is Alrekur, a three thousand year old vampire who has waited his entire life for her. The other is the love she has waited for, Cliff.

The prophecies say she'll choose the ancient vampire, and they are never wrong, but Alexis is determined to find a loophole. When she is forced to spend time with Alrekur and begins to see his charm, she is torn. Her heart still belongs to Cliff, but would it be so awful if the prophecies were fulfilled?
--
Just my two cents.


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## 69959 (May 14, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> I haven't read your books, so I'll look at this as a stand-alone. First impression is that it gives the ending away.


I won't ask which one it sounds like it will be. The readers of the series that I've talked with are about 50/50 as far as the who they think she's going to choose, and most of the issues (prophecies and so forth) that I mentioned in the blurb have been going on in the other books for a while. But I definitely don't want something that sounds like it gives anything away. Back to work...


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## Raquel Lyon (Mar 3, 2012)

I'll give it a go. It's always nice to get a new perspective, and basically I suck at blurbs. 

This is what I have so far for my WIP.



> *When total opposites meet, sparks fly.*
> 
> When Johnny returns home from university, he has his future mapped out. Work hard and set up businesses for himself and his younger brother. The last thing he expects is to fall for the woman next door, but from the moment he lays eyes on her, he can't get her out of his head. Her rocking body attracts him and her spirit captivates him. She's vulnerable and comes with malicious baggage, in the form of her daughter, Nessie, but the more he gets to know her, the more he is determined to have her.
> 
> ...


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> "Two hot guys want to marry Alexis. One is Alrekur, a three thousand year old vampire who has waited his entire life for her. The other is the love she has waited for, Cliff.
> 
> The prophecies say she'll choose the ancient vampire, and they are never wrong, but Alexis is determined to find a loophole. When she is forced to spend time with Alrekur and begins to see his charm, she is torn. Her heart still belongs to Cliff, but would it be so awful if the prophecies were fulfilled?


I'm already a fan of these books and am already champing at the bit to read this, but your version of the description has me even more excited about it! I didn't know that was possible. You have a gift, Marti. Thank you so much for doing this!

Do mine?

Clem is a six month old puppy with a secret: he is an alien from outer space!

Abandoned in the mountains, Clem meets a she wolf and discovers an odd talent that he has for manipulating the thoughts of others: wolves, other dog aliens like himself, and even humans. This talent comes in handy when he finds himself in a cage at the animal shelter, but Clem's about to find out why he has this talent, and what he's supposed to do with it.

This is a happy dog story where the dog still lives at the end. It intends to amuse dog lovers of all ages.


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## 69959 (May 14, 2013)

Cherise Kelley said:


> I'm already a fan of these books and am already champing at the bit to read this, but your version of the description has me even more excited about it! I didn't know that was possible. You have a gift, Marti.


Yes, you do, Marti. I can't do better than that!  Thanks so much!


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Raquel Lyon said:


> I'll give it a go. It's always nice to get a new perspective, and basically I suck at blurbs.
> 
> This is what I have so far for my WIP.


It's actually pretty good. I would ditch the last sentence. The think about romance is that the two of them getting together is a given, so it is unnecessary.

When Johnny returns home from university, he has his future mapped out. Work hard and set up businesses for himself and his younger brother. The last thing he expects is to fall for the woman next door, but from the moment he lays eyes on her, he can't get her out of his head. Her rocking body attracts him and her spirit captivates him. She's *(vulnerable I would take this out, or move it to her paragraph)* and comes with malicious baggage, in the form of her daughter, Nessie, but the more he gets to know her, the more he is determined to have her.

Cora had it all: beautiful home, two gorgeous daughters, and a husband who loved her-right up until the day he cheated on her with her best friend.
Still trying to make sense of the breakup, she keeps control of her life by sticking to routine, safe in the knowledge that she's better off alone. But when a new neighbour with a hot, young body offers to tidy up her garden, and insists he's the one to mend her heart, she struggles to keep him at a distance.

With everyone against the relationship, can they overcome the prejudice, and prove that when love finds you, it can't be ignored?
-----


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## Raquel Lyon (Mar 3, 2012)

Great! Thank you so much for taking a look.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Cherise Kelley said:


> I'm already a fan of these books and am already champing at the bit to read this, but your version of the description has me even more excited about it! I didn't know that was possible. You have a gift, Marti. Thank you so much for doing this!
> 
> Do mine?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the compliments. All I really do is help you look at it a different way.

---
Clem is a six month old puppy with a secret - he is an alien from outer space!

Abandoned in the mountains, Clem meets a she wolf and discovers he has an odd talent for manipulating the thoughts of others, including wolves, other dog aliens like himself, and even humans. This talent comes in handy when he finds himself in a cage at the animal shelter, but Clem's about to find out why he has this talent, and what he's supposed to do with it.

----
This is a happy dog story where the dog still lives at the end. It intends to amuse dog lovers of all ages.
---
Not sure what this sentence is for. I don't assume the dog will die, so found it odd that you needed to add that.

Also, it isn't a good idea to tell readers how they will "feel" about the book -- "It intends to amuse dog lovers of all ages."

Words like amuse, horrify, love, cry, etc. are emotions and it is best when you let the reader tell other readers the book is amusing in their reviews. Just hold your breath and wait for the reviews to come in.


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## quiet chick writes (Oct 19, 2012)

I could use some help, if you're up for it. This is a full-length novel, literary/women's fiction. Two alternating POVs, if that matters. It feels like a lot, but I'm not sure what to keep or toss out. This is a first attempt, so it might be awful. 



> Matt Watts was raised to be good, kind, generous, and true. His parents raised him well, but he wasn't finished with them. Who ever is at nineteen?
> 
> An only child, then an orphan, Matt found himself alone in a world that was ugly, unfair, and impossibly dark. And in that darkness, he found Leila in a bright white dress and red, red lipstick. She was all heart and life and warmth. And she would be his savior.
> 
> ...


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Laura Rae Amos said:


> I could use some help, if you're up for it. This is a full-length novel, literary/women's fiction. Two alternating POVs, if that matters. It feels like a lot, but I'm not sure what to keep or toss out. This is a first attempt, so it might be awful.


First, don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do in a novel. We are Indies, we are creative and not bound by all those rules the publishing industry made up before we were born. First person, as many POVs as you want, introduction of love interests in the middle of a book instead of the first chapter - and if your readers don't complain, don't stress over it. My books break all the rules.

Oh, you want me to look at your blurb. Okay, off my soap box 

---
Matt Watts is nineteen, an only child, an orphan, and alone in an ugly, unfair, and impossibly dark world.
(Is this a mental world or a physical one?)

Leila Watts has always lived by her heart, but at twenty-eight, one hasty teenage wedding and two kids later, she is beginning to realize that her heart only gets her into trouble. Now Leila is in trouble again. Corbin reaches her in ways she didn't know she could be reached, and her marriage is at stake.

(The following sentence tells the reader to expect a morals sermon. I don't think that's what you intend. I would delete it completely. Let the reader take away from the story what they will.)

The Fish and the Bird is a story about two people bound by a promise and all the other hearts caught up in their wake, of best intentions with the ugliest consequences, and the many missteps that take us where we're meant to be.


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## OliviaBesse (Mar 8, 2013)

Mine, please! It's a NA romance (yea, yea, I know )



> From afar, Elodie Marais is just a typical 19-year old girl roughing it in Manhattan. She hates her job, her love life sucks and she's totally getting ripped off by her landlord.
> 
> Like most of her starry-eyed peers, she'll do anything for the Triple P's-Prada, a Promotion and the elusive Perfect Boyfriend. But Elodie and her friends aren't your average new adults who are bored to tears by their uninspiring lives-they're fashion models.
> 
> ...


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## kyokominamino (Jan 23, 2014)

Thank you for lending your eyes! I need all the help I can get with this blurb. The book's due in July so I have time, but I need to get all the pre-production stuff done ASAP. Below is the blurb I'm working on for my sequel to The Black Parade, entitled *She Who Fights Monsters*:

_Maintaining a marriage is hard enough, but it's hard as hell when it's the Commander of Heaven's Army and a soldier for God in charge of helping dead people cross over to the afterlife.

That is what archangel Michael O'Brien and Seer Jordan Amador have been attempting over the last several months. Still, holding their marriage together is just nothing compared to the case they've been trying to solve. Someone has been methodically hunting down and murdering Seers one by one.

After six months with no leads on the killer, Jordan and Michael are forced to work with their worst enemy-the archdemon Belial: a self-professed Prince of Hell who is dead set on stealing Jordan for himself. However, with the archdemon's help, they pick up on the trail of the serial killer and plan to stop him no matter what the cost. When the shocking truth behind the murderer's identity is revealed, Jordan begins asking herself if she is still fighting for the good guys or has she become one of the monsters she is desperately trying to stop?_

Thoughts?


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Olivexx said:


> Mine, please! It's a NA romance (yea, yea, I know )


From afar, Elodie Marais is just a typical 19-year old girl roughing it in Manhattan. She hates her job, her love life sucks and she's totally getting ripped off by her landlord. (I like this.)
>>(combine these two sentences)<<
Like most of her starry-eyed peers, she'll do anything for the Triple P's-Prada, a Promotion and the elusive Perfect Boyfriend. But Elodie and her friends aren't your average new adults who are bored to tears by their uninspiring lives-they're fashion models. (This is good too.)

----
(Next two paragraphs, not so good - predictable. Try something like this

Just as she's starting to make waves in the modelling world, two very different men vie for her doe-eyed attention. She may get Prada, she may even get that promotion, but maybe finding the perfect boyfriend was going to be more complicated than she thought.

---
This novel contains graphic sexual content and strong language. It is intended for mature readers. (Important to say this, good job.)


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## Twizzlers (Feb 6, 2014)

This is for my two works in progress. A Western Sci-Fi/Horror Novel and a Sci-Fi Novella. I've never written a blurb before, these are my first two works, so be gentle.

Western


> Pike's Tail is Book #1 of the Four Horsemen of the Wasteland series.
> 
> Roderick Gray, an Oxford educated New Yorker, has made a life for himself in the West Texas wasteland. He owns his own saloon, uses his chemistry background to brew a regionally famous whiskey and has a loyal best friend, Lightning Jack Dallas, at his side. Being an educated man he's never had much use for God or the Bible, but that's all changing now.
> But, two mysterious strangers come to town; interested in the massacre that wiped a neighboring town off the map a year ago and they want Roderick's help.
> ...


Sci-Fi


> Joe Santiago's life has really turned around over the nine years.
> He grew up a hopeless gang-banger in Southside Oklahoma City with no future prospects, until one faithful night he was abducted by aliens and given a new life on Green Station 26.
> Now he has a career working intake for new abductees and two great friends he hits the nightclubs with, relentlessly hunting for that night's conquest: human or alien.
> But, after starting a torrid love affair with a new abduction from his past, he learns a terrible secret he was never meant to know, and it could cost him his life.
> It's all a big misunderstanding, but will the station's mysterious leaders, The Master Race, believe him? Or is this the end of his good life in space?


I want to warn people in this blurb that it's a novella and not a full length novel so they don't have any illusions about what they're purchasing, but I'm not sure how to do that.

Those both are the first time I've ever tried to write a blurb, and I'm sure it shows.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

kyokominamino said:


> Thank you for lending your eyes! I need all the help I can get with this blurb. The book's due in July so I have time, but I need to get all the pre-production stuff done ASAP. Below is the blurb I'm working on for my sequel to The Black Parade, entitled *She Who Fights Monsters*:
> Thoughts?


First impression - confusing.

Maintaining a marriage is hard enough, but it's hard as hell when it's, Michael O'Brien, the Commander of Heaven's Army and, Jordan Amador, a soldier for the God in charge of helping dead people cross over to the afterlife. (Is this what you mean?)

Saving their marriage is exactly what they have been attempting to do over the last several months. Still, that is nothing compared to the case they're trying to solve. Someone has been methodically hunting down and murdering Seers one by one.

When the shocking truth behind the murderer's identity is revealed, Jordan begins asking herself if she is still fighting for the good guys or if she has become one of the monsters she is desperately trying to stop?

(So I guess her husband is the murderer. Am I right? If so, you will want to change this somehow.)

After six months with no leads on the killer, Jordan and Michael are forced to work with their worst enemy-the archdemon Belial: a self-professed Prince of Hell who is dead set on stealing Jordan for himself. However, with the archdemon's help, they pick up on the trail of the serial killer and plan to stop him no matter what the cost.

(Not sure you need this part. It makes the blurb too long and too detailed for a quick read, which is what you want.)


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## K.R. Harris (Jan 25, 2012)

I would appreciate it very much if you could take a look at my feeble attempt. I'm totally terrible at blurbs. It's for the book in my sig.
Thank you, Marti.


When Abby Churchland, a highly skilled C.I.A. covert operative, uncovers the truth behind the Wall Street "flash crash", she is put into the crosshairs and targeted for death, by the very government she serves. 

Suddenly, the hunter becomes the hunted, but she's smart, brutal, and lethal. 

And if you are in her sights, may God have mercy on you, because she will not. 

FLASH CRASH is a fast paced, action filled thriller, which is based on an actual event in the U.S. stock market, which took place on May 6, 2010.


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## quiet chick writes (Oct 19, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> First, don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do in a novel. We are Indies, we are creative and not bound by all those rules the publishing industry made up before we were born. First person, as many POVs as you want, introduction of love interests in the middle of a book instead of the first chapter - and if your readers don't complain, don't stress over it. My books break all the rules.
> 
> Oh, you want me to look at your blurb. Okay, off my soap box


Thank you, Marti! I don't mind the pep talk at all. And I agree that taking risks is one of the great freedoms we have as indies. I'm also breaking a "rule" by letting a male POV have half of a women's fic book, but I'm gonna do it and own it anyway!



> (Is this a mental world or a physical one?)


That's a good point. It's all mental. Maybe I should rephrase this not to use the word "world". This is straight up contemporary, so no fantasy worlds here. 

Thank you for the feedback! Especially about making sure it doesn't feel preachy. Because right, I don't mean it to be at all. I will keep that in mind.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

JRODell said:


> This is for my two works in progress. A Western Sci-Fi/Horror Novel and a Sci-Fi Novella. I've never written a blurb before, these are my first two works, so be gentle.
> 
> Western
> Sci-FiI want to warn people in this blurb that it's a novella and not a full length novel so they don't have any illusions about what they're purchasing, but I'm not sure how to do that.
> Those both are the first time I've ever tried to write a blurb, and I'm sure it shows.


_Not bad for a first try. _

Pike's Tail is Book #1 of the Four Horsemen of the Wasteland series. _(This should be part of your title, so is unnecessary to the blurb.)_

First, you are telling us about multiple problems when you need to concentrate on just one. You're most fascinating problem and the one to begin with is this:
---
Two mysterious strangers come to town; interested in the massacre that wiped a neighboring town off the map a year ago and they want Roderick's help. (Your power word here is massacre, and will draw your readers in. So you will want to concentrate on this instead of giving your main character a profile and adding all his other problems.)
---
Joe Santiago was abducted by aliens and given a new life on Green Station 26. 
Now he has a career working intake for new abductees and two great friends he hits the nightclubs with, relentlessly hunting for that night's conquest: human or alien. But, after starting a torrid love affair with a new abduction who happens to be someone from his past, he learns a terrible secret he was never meant to know.


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## Twizzlers (Feb 6, 2014)

So is what you wrote all my blurbs should be? 
I'm not sure what the length should be. I've seen some writers with paragraph upon paragraph. 

I actually didn't put book one on the cover of my book. 
So I'm not sure how people will know.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

JRODell said:


> So is what you wrote all my blurbs should be?
> I'm not sure what the length should be. I've seen some writers with paragraph upon paragraph.
> 
> I actually didn't put book one on the cover of my book.
> So I'm not sure how people will know.


Good news, you can change the title to your book and add "book 1." Readers appreciate it when you make it easy for them to figure out which book is first/next, and putting it in the title is a great way to do that.

A blurb is designed to get the reader interested enough to buy the book. Most commercials are what? Thirty seconds? That is about the normal human attention span, so if you don't grab them with the first sentence, they sure won't keep reading.

A long blurb *can *indicate that the author doesn't really know what their book is about, so they explain, and keep explaining. I'm not saying it never works, you have decide that on your own. Take a look at several blurbs for the bestselling books in your genre and see what they have done. Then take a look at the ones that are not selling.


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## kyokominamino (Jan 23, 2014)

Martitalbott said:


> First impression - confusing.
> 
> Maintaining a marriage is hard enough, but it's hard as hell when it's, Michael O'Brien, the Commander of Heaven's Army and, Jordan Amador, a soldier for the God in charge of helping dead people cross over to the afterlife. (Is this what you mean?)
> 
> ...


I suppose that's better, but I might have to just rephrase the whole blasted thing. It's too much of a mouthful now.

The husband is not the killer, but the killer is someone who was SUPPOSED to be a good guy. That's why she starts questioning herself.

See, that's what I take issue with. The archdemon Belial is a HUGE part of this novel and he weaves in and out of being the antagonist. I really don't want to leave him out entirely because he adds even more life threatening situations and he comes between Jordan and Michael's love life. I would think the reader would want to see the stakes stacked even higher against our heroes. Everyone keeps telling me to shorten it, and I shall, but now I'm starting to worry that I'm leaving out important, intriguing things for the sake of brevity.


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## Twizzlers (Feb 6, 2014)

I can add book 1 to the title listing,  but I really object to it being on the cover due to the artwork.  
I suppose it's possible to do that and not have it on the actual cover.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

kyokominamino said:


> I suppose that's better, but I might have to just rephrase the whole blasted thing. It's too much of a mouthful now.
> 
> The husband is not the killer, but the killer is someone who was SUPPOSED to be a good guy. That's why she starts questioning herself.
> 
> See, that's what I take issue with. The archdemon Belial is a HUGE part of this novel and he weaves in and out of being the antagonist. I really don't want to leave him out entirely because he adds even more life threatening situations and he comes between Jordan and Michael's love life. I would think the reader would want to see the stakes stacked even higher against our heroes. Everyone keeps telling me to shorten it, and I shall, but now I'm starting to worry that I'm leaving out important, intriguing things for the sake of brevity.


_Don't get upset, this is all just an exercise so that I can help you see what I see and what the reader might see. I know this is hard, we just need to focus it a little better._

How about if you concentrate instead on the murders and only mention the marriage problems in passing. See if you like this better.

-------
Michael O'Brien, the Commander of Heaven's Army and, Jordan Amador, a soldier for the God in charge of helping dead people cross over to the afterlife have more than one problem. Someone has been methodically hunting down and murdering Seers one by one.

After six months with no leads, they are forced to work with their worst enemy-the archdemon Belial: a self-professed Prince of Hell, who is dead set on stealing Jordan for himself. With the archdemon's help, they finally pick up the trail of the serial killer, but when it turns out to be someone they least suspect, Jordan wonders if she is still fighting for the good guys, or if she has become one of the monsters she is desperately trying to stop?

( I put "they" in to see if that would keep it from looking like Michael was the killer.)


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

JRODell said:


> I can add book 1 to the title listing, but I really object to it being on the cover due to the artwork.
> I suppose it's possible to do that and not have it on the actual cover.


I don't think it has to be on the cover unless it is going to be in a bookstore. Mine are on the covers, but I had those covers made two years after I published the books. No one died from it.


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## Randall Boleyn (Mar 8, 2012)

Hey Marti,
I can take it, maybe... kinda, so give me the down hard and skinny, but easy like and nothing like a flu shot. This is the blurb I am ready to go to war with for *Wave Links - Powers Meant for Gods*, an urban fantasy. But there's no vampires, wolves, shifters, or zombies or nothing that really sells, so maybe it's an action adventure with a sci-fi leaning. I don't know, but I'm 80,000 words in, it's 98% there, and regardless of what it might be, I do know if this blurb doesn't rock, it won't sell. I really appreciate this link, Marti, and your kindly candid appraisals for et al is inspiring... and this is why in spite of the tumultuous week-end here in the WC, all will be well. 
Thanks

Not understanding that her son was already a target, Llad Fleck's mother never found the courage to tell him that he might have inherited an extraordinary legacy from his berserker ancestors. The only special abilities Llad figured he'd ever gotten was a knack for pilfering books and what the men at the city basketball courts complained were "mad-skills not suitable for fifteen year olds". That Llad always seemed to know what moves they would attempt and then shut them down was just him being what they called, "scary quick".

If she had only told him the details about his father's death, Llad might have protected his mom before she too disappeared. Placed into a bleak foster care, he bolts on a road trip looking for an old woman his mother had always said would help him in an emergency. Instead, he finds Miss Jemma, an eccentric Parapsychologist, who tells him she has waited decades in fear that he'd arrive too late. She explains that her life's work had been studying how to best train him to expand his brain's capabilities in order to maximize the unique traits she said he'd received from his ancient branch of the Fifth Root-race.

After everyone Lad has ever loved is killed, he still doesn't comprehend who is behind the murders, but quickly realizes that he is next. Alone again with his grief, he travels to York, England searching for answers about his cryptic lineage to the bizarre talents he might possess and the mysterious girl frequenting his dreams- all the while trying to survive the wrath of the billionaire Chairman of the Mind's Eye Institute who needs Lad's inheritance of links from their Atlantis ancestors to powers meant for Gods.


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## kyokominamino (Jan 23, 2014)

Martitalbott said:


> _Don't get upset, this is all just an exercise so that I can help you see what I see and what the reader might see. I know this is hard, we just need to focus it a little better._
> 
> How about if you concentrate instead on the murders and only mention the marriage problems in passing. See if you like this better.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I don't mean to seem upset. I am a tad bit stressed is all. It's been hell trying to whip this thing into shape over the past couple weeks, that's all.

I had a thought. KBoards also helped me revise the book blurb for The Black Parade. Maybe I could try to emulate the short and sweetness of that one? For example:

_Michael O'Brien. 23. New Yorker. Lead guitarist. Commander of Heaven's Army.

Jordan Amador. 22. New Yorker. Waitress. Investigator for souls with unfinished business, also known as a Seer.

The dynamic supernatural duo are in the middle of trying to solve a deadly case. Someone is methodically hunting down and murdering Seers one by one. After six months with no leads, etc._

Better? Worse? I thought I'd at least break up the hook into bite-sized pieces that are easier to read, and it emulates the way the first blurb is written. And thank you so much for your help. This has been driving me up the wall and back down the other side.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Randall Bowling said:


> Hey Marti,
> I can take it, maybe... kinda, so give me the down hard and skinny, but easy like and nothing like a flu shot. This is the blurb I am ready to go to war with for *Wave Links - Powers Meant for Gods*, an urban fantasy. But there's no vampires, wolves, shifters, or zombies or nothing that really sells, so maybe it's an action adventure with a sci-fi leaning. I don't know, but I'm 80,000 words in, it's 98% there, and regardless of what it might be, I do know if this blurb doesn't rock, it won't sell. I really appreciate this link, Marti, and your kindly candid appraisals for et al is inspiring... and this is why in spite of the tumultuous week-end here in the WC, all will be well.
> Thanks
> 
> ...


I don't see any major problems except that it is too long and tells too much of the story. Sometimes too many details can bog the reader down.

Let's see if we can make this a little more attention grabbing. I cut it way down, but these are your important points, or at least what I got out of it. I messed up the tense too, so if you use some of this, you'll need to fix it.
---
Llad Fleck was already a traget - he just didn't know it. He inherited an extraordinary legacy from his berserker ancestors, but he didn't know that either. All he knew was that he had a few mad-skills and was scary quick.

It was not until he runs into Miss Jemma, an eccentric Parapsychologist, that he learns about the links he inherited from The Fifth Root-race.

Yet, he still does not understand, especially the reoccurring dreams of a mysterious girl, or why the billionaire Chairman of the Mind's Eye Institute is trying to capture him.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

kyokominamino said:


> Sorry, I don't mean to seem upset. I am a tad bit stressed is all. It's been hell trying to whip this thing into shape over the past couple weeks, that's all.
> 
> I had a thought. KBoards also helped me revise the book blurb for The Black Parade. Maybe I could try to emulate the short and sweetness of that one? For example:
> 
> ...


Bravo, much better! Your first two lines are attention grabbers.


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## Randall Boleyn (Mar 8, 2012)

Thanks for the perspective Mart on my blurb for *Wave Links*- you are spot on. It's hard sometimes to step back and only see the best trees.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Randall Bowling said:


> Thanks for the perspective Mart on my blurb for *Wave Links*- you are spot on. It's hard sometimes to step back and only see the best trees.


You are very welcome, glad I could help.


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## Adam Poe (Apr 2, 2012)

I have been piecing a blurb together AS I write my current story. It is a very 'pulpy' sci-fi type story. Here is what I have so far..


Ghost operative Cyrin Thorne thought she was ready for her first mission. Straight out of the training academy, she is sent to an unfamiliar planet. Her task: to find and steal a powerful artifact before it is transported off-world. She has three days.

Standing between her and the prize lies a Noxxic army, the alien race which, thousands of years ago, enslaved all mankind. As a Ghost, Cy was trained for the impossible, but this is suicide.

With time running out, and an endless wall of the Noxxic ahead of her, Cy will need to give everything to reach the artifact. Little does she know that if she fails, she will not only risk her life, but the entire Resistance of Man.

Title is a heart-pounding, on-the-edge of your seat ride through a terrifying future universe. Lock your seatbelts and take a deep breath, the drop-pod has been deployed and the landing zone is hot!



The story is untitled currently, thus the 'title' in the last line


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## OliviaBesse (Mar 8, 2013)

Thank you so much!


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Adam Poe said:


> I have been piecing a blurb together AS I write my current story. It is a very 'pulpy' sci-fi type story. Here is what I have so far..
> 
> Ghost operative Cyrin Thorne thought she was ready for her first mission. Straight out of the training academy, she is sent to an unfamiliar planet. Her task: to find and steal a powerful artifact before it is transported off-world. She has three days.
> 
> ...


Adam, I'm going to turn your first paragraph around. Usually, that's all an author needs to make it zing.

Ghost operative Cyrin Thorne only has three days.

She must go to an unfamiliar planet to find and steal a powerful artifact, before it is transported off-world, and standing between her and the prize lies a Noxxic army.

As a Ghost, Cy was trained for the impossible - but this is suicide.


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## Adam Poe (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to give it a new perspective  

I am glad to know that it is mostly okay


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## Lyndawrites (Aug 7, 2011)

Hi, Marti. Please can you help me with this blurb for a (British) cozy mystery?

Being asked to recover the Lockington Legacy, a priceless diamond necklace, sounds like a real coup for the newly opened Gemini Detective Agency. Until Lady Lockington refuses to let them tell anyone it has been stolen. 

Neatly hamstrung,  twins Linzi and Loren Repton are getting nowhere fast until one of their suspects turns up dead. 

Now, they have to save their client's daughter from being arrested by the man in charge of the case — their own father, Superintendent Frank Repton. But are they being helped or hindered by a mysterious bag lady and their search for her missing dog?


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## Jan Hurst-Nicholson (Aug 25, 2010)

Martitalbott said:


> I understand completely, I've changed mine a thousand times. That's the great thing about being an Indie and not having to go through a publisher to do it.
> 
> I know the one I did for you is over simplified, and looks thin, but you can always add what I call *power words.* For example, you can add, "handsome" Adam Wild." You can say, "Not shy a day in her life, Jenna does not need a man..."
> 
> That gives your characters some depth and makes your blurb stand out a little more.


Yes, I think the little man who sits in the Amazon computer changing the descriptions rolls his eyes and says, "Not you again," every time I change the blurb!

Thanks again. I did have handsome and arrogant, but someone else said it was a done deal that in a romance the MC would be handsome and arrogant . 
Jenna thinks she does not need a man because she is bisexual and has a female partner - until Adam arrives. Don't want to mention that in the blurb as I want the readers to find out at the same time as Adam.


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## Twizzlers (Feb 6, 2014)

I took your advice and read some of the top Western Sci-Fi novels. Most of them have pretty long blurbs, but I noticed a lot have praise for the book included in the "Book Description" on Amazon (which is where i'm assuming this blurb should go). 
Is that something you would recommend ever doing if the book took off?


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

JRODell said:


> I took your advice and read some of the top Western Sci-Fi novels. Most of them have pretty long blurbs, but I noticed a lot have praise for the book included in the "Book Description" on Amazon (which is where i'm assuming this blurb should go).
> Is that something you would recommend ever doing if the book took off?


Yes, what Amazon calls the description is where the blurb goes. In this case, the word description is deceptive, and many first time authors take that to mean a description of the whole story. Of course, who will buy a book if they already know the ending?

As for length, it really is a personal decision. The great thing is, you can try a long one and if the book doesn't sell, change it. Just keep in mind that your book will only be on the "new release" list for a month, then it drops down to 60 days, 90 days and then into oblivion. So you don't have a lot of time to test the blurbs.

I don't know how many are writing westerns these days, so that might work in your favor. Keep looking at other books.

I don't really know everything, I just pretend I do. 

Marti


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Lyndawrites said:


> Hi, Marti. Please can you help me with this blurb for a (British) cozy mystery?
> 
> Being asked to recover the Lockington Legacy, a priceless diamond necklace, sounds like a real coup for the newly opened Gemini Detective Agency. Until Lady Lockington refuses to let them tell anyone it has been stolen.
> 
> ...


Hi Lynda, let's have a look. First impression - I like the story idea. Your blurb doesn't say, so I'm going to guess this is their first case just to change it up a little.
----

The newly opened Gemini Detective Agency's first (second, third) case could not have been more complicated. Twins, Linzi and Loren Repton, were hired (are hired) to recover the Lockington Legacy, a priceless diamond necklace, but the owner refuses to report it stolen, and that is just the beginning. A suspect turns up dead, their client's daughter is in trouble, and there is something very mysterious about that bag lady and her missing dog.
------

I think it might be too early in the Seattle morning for me to think more clearly. What does hamstrung mean to the British? "Limited?" The combination of "neatly and hamstrung" made me think it was a description of the twins, not of their situation.


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## Lyndawrites (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks, Marti.

Lol, you're not the first to say that about the neatly hamstrung bit - especially as it didn't have the comma after it in my first attempt. Yes, it means their freedom of action is limited.  "Excuse me, but have you nicked an item that might, or might not, have been stolen?" is not going to get you far in your investigations.  

I like your take on it, (it is their first case, if you discount the bag's lady's missing dog - and the twins do discount it.) it's short and punchy, and ideal for its cozy mystery genre.

Thanks again.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Lyndawrites said:


> Thanks, Marti.
> 
> Lol, you're not the first to say that about the neatly hamstrung bit - especially as it didn't have the comma after it in my first attempt. Yes, it means their freedom of action is limited. "Excuse me, but have you nicked an item that might, or might not, have been stolen?" is not going to get you far in your investigations.
> 
> ...


I like "neatly hamstrung" so maybe you can work it into the new blurb. I'm happy if you're happy, and you are very welcome.


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## A past poster (Oct 23, 2013)

Hi Marti,

I really appreciate your help. This blurb is kind of complicated because it is for _both_ the title of a short story--Harry Danced Divinely--and for a collection of short stories, which will be called Harry Danced Divinely. I don't know which blurb I should start with, the blurb for the book or the blurb for the short story. I started here with the blurb for the short story.

There were some things Lillian Levinson couldn't say, even to herself.

Lillian had to save pennies for a month to have enough money to go out to lunch with her friends, even though her late husband, Harry, had left her his entire estate-over one-half million dollars.

She knew that she and Harry had spoiled their only child, Edward. But she tried to be overlooking, even when she overheard him call her "a Jewish mother" to his secretary, as if she were a pest. It was another of many hurts she chose to ignore.

It wasn't until she had a grueling walk and a long, difficult night that she decided it was time to teach Edward a shocking lesson.

HARRY DANCED DIVINELY is the title of the complete collection of Giffort Street Stories. It includes five short stories and a novella. Three stories-Harry Danced Divinely, Neighbors, and The Queen Anne Bedroom Set, are special to this book.


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## MorganKegan (Jan 10, 2013)

Marti, do you think my new blurb could use some tuning up? I got some help here on it already, but I'd like to hear your take.

_Being the new girl in high school is hard enough. What if you had to hide being a faerie, too?_

I'm Siobhan Miller, the new sophomore in my Tennessee hill-country high school-and a faerie changeling. The normal changes a girl goes through on her way to becoming a woman are awkward enough. Try adding golden eyes, pointed ears, and feet like a wolf's paws to that. Yeah, pretty awkward. I blame my Irish ancestors. The faerie ones.

After centuries, the veil separating our world from Faerie is thinning again, and magic is returning. Having magical powers is pretty cool, particularly when they let me hide my differences behind illusion and have an actual life.

My best friend and heart sister, Katie, helps to keep my secret. I need her help, what with dealing with first love, a jealous rival, and the mean senior girls clique at school.

And if that's not enough to worry about, _creatures_ are crossing over from Faerie, and I'm not talking cute, harmless Tinker Bell here. I have to stop them, and fast, before they reveal my secret to the world.

_A Changeling's Tale_ is a Young Adult Urban Fantasy. It contains a moderate amount of the realistic language teens hear in high school, even though we might wish they didn't.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Marian said:


> Hi Marti,
> 
> I really appreciate your help. This blurb is kind of complicated because it is for _both_ the title of a short story--Harry Danced Divinely--and for a collection of short stories, which will be called Harry Danced Divinely. I don't know which blurb I should start with, the blurb for the book or the blurb for the short story. I started here with the blurb for the short story.
> 
> ...


Marian, I think using one blurb for all will be confusing to the readers. They might pass up the next part thinking the blurb sounds so familiar, they've already read it. Just a thought.
------

There were some things Lillian Levinson couldn't say, even to herself. (This is good, I like it)

(My first question is, who is Harry?)

Harry Levinson left his widow a fortune, so why does she have to save her pennies just to go out to lunch with her friends? The answer was simple - their spoiled, grown son had control of the estate. Perhaps it is finally time for her to stop overlooking the way he treated her. In fact, perhaps it was high time to teach Edward a shocking lesson.
---

I think I tried to help with this one before. Maybe you'll like this version better.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

MorganKegan said:


> Marti, do you think my new blurb could use some tuning up? I got some help here on it already, but I'd like to hear your take.
> 
> _Being the new girl in high school is hard enough. What if you had to hide being a faerie, too?_
> 
> ...


Hi Morgan.
First impression - sounds like you are talking directly to the reader. Might not be a good idea - a turn off even. Let's try it a different way.
----

I blame my Irish ancestors.

All my life, I've been forced to hide my golden eyes, pointed ears, and wolf's paw feet behind illusions. Now that I'm in high school, it is a lot more complicated. My best friend and heart sister, Katie, helps keep my secret, and I need all the help I can get, especially when it comes to boys and mean senior girls. Furthermore, creatures are crossing over from Faerie, *(Is this a place, is it Ireland?) *and I'm not talking cute, harmless Tinker Bell creatures. I have to stop them, and fast, before they reveal my secret to the world.

I'm Siobhan Miller, a sophomore in a Tennessee hill-country high school-and a faerie changeling.
-------
Author's Note: _A Changeling's Tale_ contains moderate, realistic high school language.
(Good to add this, very helpful to the reader.)

Marti


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## A past poster (Oct 23, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> Marian, I think using one blurb for all will be confusing to the readers. They might pass up the next part thinking the blurb sounds so familiar, they've already read it. Just a thought.
> ------
> 
> There were some things Lillian Levinson couldn't say, even to herself. (This is good, I like it)
> ...


The help you gave me before got me to this point. And now you've helped me make it even better! I changed it slightly to answer your question, which was a good point. I put a sentence (like an announcement) above the blurb and changed the final paragraph. Does it work?

*Finally, the Giffort Street Stories are in one book, HARRY DANCED DIVINELY!*

There were some things Lillian Levinson couldn't say, even to herself.

Harry Levinson adored his wife Lillian. When he died unexpectedly, he left her a fortune, so why did she have to save her pennies just to go out to lunch with her friends? The answer was simple - their spoiled, grown son had control of the estate. Perhaps it wass finally time for her to stop overlooking the way he had treated her. In fact, perhaps it was high time to teach Edward a shocking lesson.

Harry Danced Divinely is one of five short stories and a novella in this Giffort Street collection. Three of the stories-Harry Danced Divinely, Neighbors, and The Queen Anne Bedroom Set, are special to this book.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Marian said:


> The help you gave me before got me to this point. And now you've helped me make it even better! I changed it slightly to answer your question, which was a good point. I put a sentence (like an announcement) above the blurb and changed the final paragraph. Does it work?
> 
> *Finally, the Giffort Street Stories are in one book, HARRY DANCED DIVINELY!*
> 
> ...


Looks great to me. Good luck!


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## A past poster (Oct 23, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> Looks great to me. Good luck!


Blurbs are difficult for me, and this one was impossible. Thank you for sharing your gift and helping me through it!


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Marian said:


> Blurbs are difficult for me, and this one was impossible. Thank you for sharing your gift and helping me through it!


You are very welcome. Blurbs are hard for everyone.


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## Sonya Bateman (Feb 3, 2013)

It is very awesome of you to help out so many people like this!

I'd love your thoughts on my blurb. I like to think I'm pretty good at writing blurbs for other people's stuff... but when it comes to my own, I'm lost. I have no idea if it works, if I'm hitting on the right interesting points, and all that stuff. Forest for the trees, etcetera. 

Anyway, this is for a thriller. It's been out (as a self-published title) a little over a year now. It's the first in a series. It's not selling with any sort of regularity... I get bursts with promos, but it sinks back down into obscurity fast. You can see it on Amazon here, if you'd like: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B76OXCC

I'll present it exactly as it appears on Amazon. Thanks in advance for your insight!! 

---------------------
BROKEN ANGEL

*A powerful suspense thriller, packed with action and edge-of-your-seat tension -- from chilling start to shocking, jaw-dropping finale. USA TODAY reviewer Jessie Potts says, "You will devour this book!"*

_An influential crime boss with an appetite for power...

A sadistic enforcer whose tongue is as sharp as his needles...

And an innocent man who is forced to join their twisted games._

How far would you go to save someone you love? Gabriel Morgan discovers there are no limits when he's plunged into the massive underground street fighting network known as the Organization. Renamed Angel by the crime boss who's holding him captive, his task is to earn ten million dollars through bloodshed and violence -- or watch his beloved sister die.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

S.W. Vaughn said:


> It is very awesome of you to help out so many people like this!
> 
> I'd love your thoughts on my blurb. I like to think I'm pretty good at writing blurbs for other people's stuff... but when it comes to my own, I'm lost. I have no idea if it works, if I'm hitting on the right interesting points, and all that stuff. Forest for the trees, etcetera.
> 
> ...


Cover art is excellent.
Lots of good reviews
Blurb, not so good. You are trying to talk directly to the reader, which as you are learning doesn't work.

(dump this first line completely. Here's why. Readers looking for this kind of book already know it is a thriller. It's supposed to be packed with action, etc., so it is redundant information. The reader only wants to know what the book is about. You worked hard to get them to your page, now, get them right to the blurb fast before you lose them.)

*A powerful suspense thriller, packed with action and edge-of-your-seat tension -- from chilling start to shocking, jaw-dropping finale. USA TODAY reviewer Jessie Potts says, "You will devour this book!"*
------
blurb

All "The Organization" wanted was money, ten million dollars to be exact, and all Gabriel Morgan had to do was join a massive underground street fighting network to get it. There simply was no way out. He was being held captive and was probably going to die. He could live with that possibility, but if he didn't win - he would be forced to watch his beloved sister die.
---
You should watch me on the tense issue, I write past tense.

Also, I think you should add a little more description of Gabriel -- fight champion, pro wrestler, ordinary guy...something that give us a picture of why he is chosen to fight.

Hope this helps. As always, it's just a suggestion.
Marti


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

S.W., now that I look at it again, I'm not thrilled with it either.


All "The Organization" wanted was money, ten million dollars to be exact, and all Gabriel Morgan had to do was join a massive underground street fighting network to get it. He was probably going to die, and he could live with that possibility, but if he didn't win - he would be forced to watch his beloved sister die.
---
A little better, maybe. Put back what you think is important and we'll try again.


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## Sonya Bateman (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks so much, Marti! I love where you're starting from. I'll work on developing from there and repost.

I really appreciate the help! You rock.


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## Alex Rogers (Jan 7, 2014)

Hi, Marti. Can you help me with this blurb for my first book, I'm Only Human After All? I've been thinking about redoing it for awhile but I don't know exactly where to start.

"What do you do if you find yourself suddenly, and without provocation, the target of high school aggression, relentless insults, and painful isolation? Such is the dilemma of teenager Alex Rogers, the main character in I'm Only Human After All, the thought-provoking, absorbing novel inspired by the real-life trials of the author by the same name. In this penetrating story, Rogers draws from his personal experiences to offer invaluable insight to students, teachers, and parents everywhere on today's increasingly common, and highly damaging, instances of bullying and cyber-bullying. The novel's poignant, reflective first-person narrative details all that bullied young adults confront, casting crucial new light on this timely topic to enable individuals to cope with this pervasive problem. I'm Only Human After All also represents the debut work of fiction in the ongoing "Empowerment" series based on the author's life that surrounds topics relevant today."

http://www.amazon.com/Only-Human-After-Empowerment-Series-ebook/dp/B005GVZOSG/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Alex Rogers said:


> Hi, Marti. Can you help me with this blurb for my first book, I'm Only Human After All? I've been thinking about redoing it for awhile but I don't know exactly where to start.
> 
> "What do you do if you find yourself suddenly, and without provocation, the target of high school aggression, relentless insults, and painful isolation? Such is the dilemma of teenager Alex Rogers, the main character in I'm Only Human After All, the thought-provoking, absorbing novel inspired by the real-life trials of the author by the same name. In this penetrating story, Rogers draws from his personal experiences to offer invaluable insight to students, teachers, and parents everywhere on today's increasingly common, and highly damaging, instances of bullying and cyber-bullying. The novel's poignant, reflective first-person narrative details all that bullied young adults confront, casting crucial new light on this timely topic to enable individuals to cope with this pervasive problem. I'm Only Human After All also represents the debut work of fiction in the ongoing "Empowerment" series based on the author's life that surrounds topics relevant today."
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Only-Human-After-Empowerment-Series-ebook/dp/B005GVZOSG/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top


Hi Alex. You cover is good, you look like you're doing well on your free days, assuming you are in select and have it free right now.

First, take the quote marks off. If this is a first person story, then I think you would do well to let your readers know that first.
------
"What do you do if you find yourself suddenly, and without provocation, the target of high school aggression, relentless insults, and painful isolation? 
(Questions in the beginning come off as preachy. Maybe something like this

One of the most painful things in a teenager's life is finding himself the target of high school aggression, relentless insults, and isolation. I should know, I'm Alex Rogers and it happened to me.

-----
(here's where I get lost. This doesn't tell us what the story is about, it tells us what we are supposed to learn from reading it. Lots of people are not interested in this subject, but if there is a good story to tell, then that's what your blurb should be about.)

Such is the dilemma of teenager Alex Rogers, the main character in I'm Only Human After All, the thought-provoking, absorbing novel inspired by the real-life trials of the author by the same name. In this penetrating story, Rogers draws from his personal experiences to offer invaluable insight to students, teachers, and parents everywhere on today's increasingly common, and highly damaging, instances of bullying and cyber-bullying. The novel's poignant, reflective first-person narrative details all that bullied young adults confront, casting crucial new light on this timely topic to enable individuals to cope with this pervasive problem. I'm Only Human After All also represents the debut work of fiction in the ongoing "Empowerment" series based on the author's life that surrounds topics relevant today."


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## Dave Renol (Mar 4, 2013)

For me, writing a blurb is harder than writing an entire novel. Anyone volunteering to help in making a better blurb for someone is nearly a candidate for sainthood IMHO. Bravo, Marti!

Dave


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Dave Renol said:


> For me, writing a blurb is harder than writing an entire novel. Anyone volunteering to help in making a better blurb for someone is nearly a candidate for sainthood IMHO. Bravo, Marti!
> 
> Dave


Thanks Dave, it's nice to be appreciated.


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## Gabriel Beyers (Jan 28, 2011)

Hi Marti. Thank you so much for giving of your time to help other writers. If you aren't too exhausted, would you mind looking at the blub for my novel PREDATORY ANIMALS?  Here it is:

IN THE TOWN OF SHADELAND, PEOPLE ARE VANISHING.

After suffering a near-death accident, retired Marine Casper Brown awakes with a strange new connection to three stray dogs recently adopted by his family.  Casper's nights are filled with dreams of the dogs' activities, at times he can even see through their eyes.  And what he witnesses has him worried for his family's safety.

AN ENIGMATIC EVIL IS HIDING, WAITING TO STRIKE.

As he searches for the truth, Casper crosses paths with the wealthy Pummel family.  The Pummels are the most beloved family in town.  Though their philanthropy and charisma form a cloud of mystery about them, their work with the town's exotic cat rescue center has captured the heart of the people.  But the Pummels are guarding a secret.  One they will kill to keep quiet.

ITS HUNGER IS INSATIABLE.

Shadeland is a town of shadows and secrets, where hunters hide in plain sight and prey scurry about unaware. But as the disappearances increase, Casper finds himself in the path of a predator lurking in the forest outside of town, one unlike any the world has ever seen.

ITS SURVIVAL IS OUR DOOM.

Fleeing the Pummels' wrath and stalked by an unimaginable evil, Casper must rely on the dogs he fears to save those he loves.


Thanks again. I truly appreciate it.

-Gabe


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Gabriel Beyers said:


> Hi Marti. Thank you so much for giving of your time to help other writers. If you aren't too exhausted, would you mind looking at the blub for my novel PREDATORY ANIMALS? Here it is:
> 
> IN THE TOWN OF SHADELAND, PEOPLE ARE VANISHING.
> 
> ...


Hi Gabe,
First impression, too many headlines. Bet you knew that was coming.

-------
In the town of Shadeland, People are vanishing.

The Pummels, a most beloved family and benefactor to the exotic cat rescue center, are guarding a secret - one they will kill to keep quiet. Stranger still, retired Marine Casper Brown suffers a near-death accident that fills his nights with dreams of seeing unearthly creatures* (I just threw that in)* through a dog's eyes.

What he witnesses has him worried for his family's safety.
----
You're right, I'm getting tired. See if this gives you a new perspective, a different way of presenting the story. Be careful with your last sentence because it might give too much away.

" Fleeing the Pummels' wrath and stalked by an unimaginable evil, Casper must rely on the dogs he fears to save those he loves. "


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## 70040 (May 17, 2013)

Hi Marti,

I'm a noob, and ecstatic you're offering pointers, thank you. Behold, my blah (current blurb).


Girl Out of Water - 90k - urban fantasy
In Seattle, Tabitha is about to be reborn from the rubble of her crazy family that doesn’t have any parents, her crappy job at a video store, and a social status that lepers would pity. She’s determined to move out of the house and convince her new roommates that she’s cooler than she feels, that she belongs to the university life. 

When she collides with the team that polices the citizens of the other Seattle, the hybrids and legendary creatures living in the muddy gloom and energy efficient condos of the Puget Sound, she has to decide: If the shadow city pushes outside its boundaries, is it her job to push back? 

When an exceptional physicist that can do impossible things threatens the whole city, does Tabitha have a choice?


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## Alex Rogers (Jan 7, 2014)

Martitalbott said:


> Hi Alex. You cover is good, you look like you're doing well on your free days, assuming you are in select and have it free right now.
> 
> First, take the quote marks off. If this is a first person story, then I think you would do well to let your readers know that first.
> ------
> ...


Thank you so much!  just the start I needed. Simply amazing!


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

winifredburton said:


> Hi Marti,
> 
> I'm a noob, and ecstatic you're offering pointers, thank you. Behold, my blah (current blurb).
> 
> ...


Win, I'll come back tomorrow. Busy tonight.


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## Gabriel Beyers (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you, Marti. You are awesome.


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## SunshineOnMe (Jan 11, 2014)

Oh my gosh, I would be so happy if you could help me- I'm struggling- this is definitely the worst part of the whole writing experience--

The story of CeeCee's journey to discover beauty from the ashes of brokenness. She fought to retain joy despite years of neglect, homelessness, dirty secrets, and abuse. Until one day the endless nightmare made her choices seem impossible: Continue craving the approval of a mother incapable of love, or seek the numbing escape of self-destruction.

Hope came when she least expected it. CeeCee found a path out of fear and self-condemnation and into freedom, forgiveness and love.


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## Patty Jansen (Apr 5, 2011)

OOhhh, I want to play, too!

I've got a novella that I'd love to give a better blurb. When I explain the concept to people face to face, the result is invariably that they burst out laughing, but the blurb I used to have was too dry. I've changed this one yesterday, but I'm still not happy with it.

Charlotte's Army

When people can make artificial minds, they can make big screw-ups in artificial minds, too.

In a far future, a fleet of ships hurtles through space on its way to a distant war. Aboard the ships is an army of artificial human soldiers, highly trained and dangerous. Doctor Charlotte West, the neuro-technologist responsible for the soldiers' artificial brains, travels in the support fleet. Two months before the arrival at the war site, the soldiers start fighting each other and disobeying commands. 
When they are brought in for tests, Charlotte finds that someone has accidentally copied WHAT? into the memories of all seven thousand soldiers?


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## Sonya Bateman (Feb 3, 2013)

Hi Marti,

Thanks again for your help! You're amazing to do this.

I went ahead and totally reworked the blurb, using some of the concepts you had in your rewrite and some other stuff... my original blurb really doesn't say much about the story (she realizes too late  ). So I put in some of the stuff I'd left out.

If all this is getting overwhelming for you, it's totally cool if you want to skip looking at this again. Other people are waiting -- and you've already helped me tremendously.  

--------

BROKEN ANGEL

An ordinary young man. Extraordinary odds. In this brutal underground world, there’s only one rule...

Don’t lose.

Gabriel Morgan just wants to find his missing sister. Marcus Slade wants money. To turn around his losing streak with the street fighters he runs, Slade kidnaps the girl, then grabs Gabriel from the streets and gives him a choice: Fight, or watch his sister die.

From the instant Gabriel is dragged into the Organization, he knows he’s not going to make it out. All he has is his determination -- and his temper. He can live with dying, but he can’t let them hurt Lillith. So he’ll play their game...for now.

In a world where he can't afford to trust anyone, Gabriel is about to learn that nothing is what it seems -- and his only hope for survival might lie with the one man who's most determined to break him.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

A word about blurbs in general. You've worked hard writing the book, publishing it and getting readers to your sales page. The competition is stiff and what you don't want them to see is...

George went to the store to buy a loaf of bread.

You want them to see...Suddenly, George was looking down the muzzle of a gun.

Your first line has to grab their attention and not let go. Describing your character goes in the book, not in the blurb, at least not in the first line.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

winifredburton said:


> Hi Marti,
> 
> I'm a noob, and ecstatic you're offering pointers, thank you. Behold, my blah (current blurb).
> 
> ...


You're on top of it just for asking for help in the very beginning. Bravo. First, we want to look for the action in the story and make it our first line.

Tell me about "the other Seattle" first, and then we can learn why Tabitha is there and what she has to push back against.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

SunshineOnMe said:


> Oh my gosh, I would be so happy if you could help me- I'm struggling- this is definitely the worst part of the whole writing experience--
> 
> The story of CeeCee's journey to discover beauty from the ashes of brokenness. She fought to retain joy despite years of neglect, homelessness, dirty secrets, and abuse. Until one day the endless nightmare made her choices seem impossible: Continue craving the approval of a mother incapable of love, or seek the numbing escape of self-destruction.
> 
> Hope came when she least expected it. CeeCee found a path out of fear and self-condemnation and into freedom, forgiveness and love.


I agree, it is the worst part. Your book appears to be about abuse, but your blurb is too generalized and will sound like every other abuse book out there. What we need is something that makes it sound different. What happens in the very first chapter?
----------

All CeeCee wanted was just a touch of approval and love from her mother. That's all.

What she got was neglect, homelessness, dirty secrets, and abuse. Yet, there was a way out of the mind-numbing self-condemnation that would surely lead to her ultimate destruction - there had to be. All she had to do was find the key that would open the door to freedom, forgiveness and love.
------
Something like that, maybe?


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

S.W. Vaughn said:


> Hi Marti,
> 
> Thanks again for your help! You're amazing to do this.
> 
> ...


Much better. I would put the bad guy and the good guy in different paragraphs. When you put them together, it is confusing. Try separating each sentence and rearranging them. That way you can make sure you're not saying the same thing twice, but in different ways.


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## Sonya Bateman (Feb 3, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> Much better. I would put the bad guy and the good guy in different paragraphs. When you put them together, it is confusing. Try separating each sentence and rearranging them. That way you can make sure you're not saying the same thing twice, but in different ways.


Great point -- and fantastic idea! I'll play with it some more 

Marti, thank you SO much. You are just made of awesome and win!


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Patty Jansen said:


> OOhhh, I want to play, too!
> 
> I've got a novella that I'd love to give a better blurb. When I explain the concept to people face to face, the result is invariably that they burst out laughing, but the blurb I used to have was too dry. I've changed this one yesterday, but I'm still not happy with it.
> 
> ...


Play? Oh boy, I'm in trouble now. Just kidding.
Your concept is good, but I can see what's confusing you. 
---------

The creation of artificial minds is brilliant, until something goes wrong.

In a far future, a fleet of ships hurtles through space on its way to a distant war with an army of artificial, highly trained and dangerous soldiers aboard.

Two months before arrival at the war site, the soldiers start fighting each other and disobeying commands.

It is up to Doctor Charlotte West, the neuro-technologist responsible for the soldiers' artificial brains, to find out why.

------
(doesn't the next sentence give too much away?)
When they are brought in for tests, Charlotte finds that someone has accidentally copied WHAT? into the memories of all seven thousand soldiers?

---
See if this helps.


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## 70040 (May 17, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> You're on top of it just for asking for help in the very beginning. Bravo. First, we want to look for the action in the story and make it our first line.
> 
> Tell me about "the other Seattle" first, and then we can learn why Tabitha is there and what she has to push back against.


Excellent suggestion and yes, I am very much at the starting line. I'm headed back to the drawing board but thanks for the input and opening this thread to the masses. Just seeing all the other blurbs in progress has been helpful.


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## SunshineOnMe (Jan 11, 2014)

Thank you so much....


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Always happy to help...when I'm not busy.


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

Can you look at another one for me, please, Marti? 

Dog Aliens 3
She Wolf Neya

Neya wants to be the alpha female of her own wolf pack. The only problem is her heart is set on Raffle being her alpha male. But even though the two commune daily in their visions, he seems to have put her in the friend zone.

Bonded to his humans who have already adopted a brother for him, Raffle doesn't think he can have a mate. Besides, he and his brother are busy teaching all the large breed dogs in their new neighborhood that they are really Kaxians. And how would his humans take to him inviting a wolf onto their territory?

-------------------

I had added more, but then after reading the rest of this thread, I thought maybe it gave too much away:

Neya wants to be the alpha female of her own wolf pack. The only problem is her heart is set on Raffle being her alpha male. But even though the two commune daily in their visions, he seems to have put her in the friend zone. *And then a mysterious new dog alien named Cholf comes around.*

Bonded to his humans who have already adopted a brother for him, Raffle doesn't think he can have a mate. Besides, he and his brother are busy teaching all the large breed dogs in their new neighborhood that they are really Kaxians. And how would his humans take to him inviting a wolf onto their territory? *But wait. Neya's in trouble!*


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Cherise Kelley said:


> Can you look at another one for me, please, Marti?
> 
> Dog Aliens 3
> She Wolf Neya
> ...


This one is a little confusing. Are they both wolves or dogs or one of each? I think you should say "mate" constantly instead of Alpha. What's a Kaxian?

Too many details, not enough explanation. See if you can spiff it up a bit.


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> This one is a little confusing. Are they both wolves or dogs or one of each? I think you should say "mate" constantly instead of Alpha. What's a Kaxian?
> 
> Too many details, not enough explanation. See if you can spiff it up a bit.


Thanks! How is this?

Neya wants to be the mother of her own wolf pack. The only problem is her heart is set on Raffle as her mate. But even though the two commune daily in their visions, he seems to have put her in the friend zone.

Bonded to his humans, Raffle doesn't think he can have a mate. Even if his humans might let him have another dog as a mate, how would he ever get them to accept a wolf into their territory? Besides, he and his newly adopted brother are busy teaching all the other large breed dogs in their new neighborhood that they are really aliens from outer space.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Cherise Kelley said:


> Thanks! How is this?
> 
> Neya wants to be the mother of her own wolf pack. The only problem is her heart is set on Raffle as her mate. But even though the two commune daily in their visions, he seems to have put her in the friend zone.
> 
> Bonded to his humans, Raffle doesn't think he can have a mate. Even if his humans might let him have another dog as a mate, how would he ever get them to accept a wolf into their territory? Besides, he and his newly adopted brother are busy teaching all the other large breed dogs in their new neighborhood that they are really aliens from outer space.


Neya is a wolf? Raffle is a dog? He and his brother are aliens, or all the other large breed dogs are aliens? You'll get it. Sleep on it, set it aside and write something complete different. Maybe that will help you explain it to us better.


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> Neya is a wolf? Raffle is a dog? He and his brother are aliens, or all the other large breed dogs are aliens? You'll get it. Sleep on it, set it aside and write something complete different. Maybe that will help you explain it to us better.


This is the third book in the series, so I hesitate to explain too much of what has happened before. Perhaps I should start with

In this third book in the Dog Aliens series...


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Cherise Kelley said:


> This is the third book in the series, so I hesitate to explain too much of what has happened before. Perhaps I should start with
> 
> In this third book in the Dog Aliens series...


I see. Well, then those who have read the two previous will see it differently than someone who just happens to stumble on this book. It's late, I'll try again tomorrow.


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> I see. Well, then those who have read the two previous will see it differently than someone who just happens to stumble on this book. It's late, I'll try again tomorrow.


You're right, of course. I do need to make it comprehensible to someone who just stumbled upon this book!

Good night! See you tomorrow!


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## Jacqueline_Sweet (Jan 10, 2014)

I am the absolute worst at blurbs.  

Are you still offering your expert opinion?


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

OK, how is this?

Neya is torn between her loyalty to the wolf pack she was born in and her desire to start her own pack with the dog alien she meets daily in her visions. The dog aliens and the wolves are mortal enemies, so her pack mates would kill him if he came anywhere near. And anyway, he seems to have put her in the friend zone.

Bonded to his humans and therefore completely loyal to them, Raffle the dog doesn't think he can have a mate. Even if his humans would let him take a mate from the dogs in their new neighborhood, how would he ever get them or the humans to accept a wolf into their territory? Besides, he and his newly adopted brother dog are busy convincing the local dogs that *all dogs are really aliens from outer space!*


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Drew Smith said:


> Marti, I've read this whole thread and you have a gift! You could probably turn this crazy talent of yours into an entire second career!


 
Ha, just what I need - a second career.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Jacqueline_Sweet said:


> I am the absolute worst at blurbs.
> 
> Are you still offering your expert opinion?


Sure, go for it.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Much better. I put some little changes in bold, but it is not meant to be in bold in your final copy. I knew if we slept on it, we'd get it right. You did all the work. Good job.

Neya is torn between her loyalty to the wolf pack she was born *into,* and her desire to start her own pack with the dog alien she meets daily in her visions. The dog aliens and the wolves are mortal enemies, so her pack *mates (take out)* would kill him if he came anywhere near. And anyway, he seems to have put her in the friend zone.

Bonded to his humans and therefore completely loyal to them, *alien dog* Raffle doesn't think he can have a mate. Even if his humans would let him take a mate from the dogs in their new neighborhood, how would he ever get them or the humans to accept a wolf into their territory? Besides, he and his newly adopted brother dog are busy convincing the local dogs that *all (excellent, much better) *dogs are really aliens from outer space!


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## Cherise (May 13, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> Much better. I put some little changes in bold, but it is not meant to be in bold in your final copy. I knew if we slept on it, we'd get it right. You did all the work. Good job.
> 
> Neya is torn between her loyalty to the wolf pack she was born *into,* and her desire to start her own pack with the dog alien she meets daily in her visions. The dog aliens and the wolves are mortal enemies, so her pack *mates (take out)* would kill him if he came anywhere near. And anyway, he seems to have put her in the friend zone.
> 
> Bonded to his humans and therefore completely loyal to them, *alien dog* Raffle doesn't think he can have a mate. Even if his humans would let him take a mate from the dogs in their new neighborhood, how would he ever get them or the humans to accept a wolf into their territory? Besides, he and his newly adopted brother dog are busy convincing the local dogs that *all (excellent, much better) *dogs are really aliens from outer space!


Thank you so much!


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## AutumnKQ (Jul 27, 2013)

I started my own thread the other day before I saw this one. But this is a new rewrite of the other one I posted. I feel like it may be clunkier than my old one, but I rewrote it to start with the protag. I also reworked it to include some good Amazon keywords. (Not even sure how much that matters...) 

*"A better world awaits." But will they ever get there?*

17-year-old colonist Era Corinth is one of the last humans in the universe, and she knows she's lucky. She won approval for her first pregnancy and a spot with her husband on the flagship _Paragon._ It's the only safe haven in a decaying fleet plagued by constant malfunctions, terrorism, and a deadly work draft.

But there's one problem Era can't escape. She carries the Legacy Code: mangled genes that damage the unborn. Newborns with the Defect can't survive, and half of all pregnancies must be terminated. Hers could be next.

But on the day she's scheduled to find out if her baby has the Defect, the _Paragon_ goes on lockdown. There's been a hull breach&#8230;and it may not have been an accident.

When the president and guard launch an investigation, Era's drawn into the mystery. What she learns makes her question everything she's ever been taught about the fleet's search for a new Earth, and about the Legacy Code. She must decide if uncovering the truth is worth risking everything and possibly losing it all.

----
AN ALTERNATE (That first one just got veto'd by all my facebook friends so .. here was the other one.

"A better world awaits." But will they ever get there?

The last humans in the universe cling to life in ships that fled a dying Earth 300 years ago. Each colonist carries the Legacy Code: mangled DNA that damages the unborn. Newborns with the Defect can't survive, and half of all pregnancies must be terminated.

17-year-old Era Corinth knows she's lucky. She won approval for her first pregnancy and a spot with her husband on the flagship Paragon. It's been the only safe haven in a fleet plagued by constant malfunctions, terrorism, and a deadly work draft.

But on the day she's scheduled to find out if her baby has the Defect, the Paragon goes on lockdown. There's been a hull breach&#8230;and it may not have been an accident.

As the investigation unfolds, Era begins to question everything she's been taught about the fleet, the search for a new Earth, and the Legacy Code. She must decide if she's willing to risk everything for a chance to uncover the truth.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

AutumnKQ said:


> I started my own thread the other day before I saw this one. But this is a new rewrite of the other one I posted. I feel like it may be clunkier than my old one, but I rewrote it to start with the protag. I also reworked it to include some good Amazon keywords. (Not even sure how much that matters...)
> 
> *"A better world awaits." But will they ever get there?*
> 
> ...


I almost hate to give you an opinion because you've gotten too many mixed messages. First, you are the only one who you need to please. If you love it, your readers will too. I'm going to take your second one and break it down a little. You'll have to watch the tense, I'll get it all screwed up, trust me.
------
"A better world awaits." But will they ever get there?
(This needs to be a lot more powerful - no quote marks.)

The survival of the human race depends on last remaining few having children, but there is something wrong with their DNA. Newborns with the Defect can't survive, and half of all pregnancies are terminated. Era Corinth knows she's lucky. She won approval for her first pregnancy and a spot with her husband on the flagship Paragon, but on the day she's scheduled to find out if her baby has the defect, there's been a hull breach&#8230;and it may not have been an accident.
-----
See if this tightens it up a little.


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## AutumnKQ (Jul 27, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> I almost hate to give you an opinion because you've gotten too many mixed messages. First, you are the only one who you need to please. If you love it, your readers will too. I'm going to take your second one and break it down a little. You'll have to watch the tense, I'll get it all screwed up, trust me.
> ------
> "A better world awaits." But will they ever get there?
> (This needs to be a lot more powerful - no quote marks.)
> ...


I don't love anything I've come up with. ;( Should I mention anything about them being in a fleet? The opening two lines are also on the book cover. "A better world awaits." is in quotes because it's the official mantra of my fleet in the book. It's actually a line out of my book. The mantra of the fleet appears and my characters wonders "But will we ever get there?"

I'll keep working on this and post something new tomorrow.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

AutumnKQ said:


> I don't love anything I've come up with. ;( Should I mention anything about them being in a fleet? The opening two lines are also on the book cover. "A better world awaits." is in quotes because it's the official mantra of my fleet in the book. It's actually a line out of my book. The mantra of the fleet appears and my characters wonders "But will we ever get there?"
> 
> Something like this.. ?
> ----
> ...


The first time someone told my blurb sucked, I actually cried. It too a while, but he was right and I would kiss him for it now...if I could remember who he was. 

You're having trouble because you are looking at this from a writer's point of view and not a reader's. You are also, in my opinion, having trouble giving up what everyone is telling you won't work. Take a deep breath and see if you would buy this book?

"A better world awaits." But will they ever get there?
(You don't have to use this even if it is on your paperback. It is not a line that grabs the reader's attention.)
------
The survival of the human race depends on the last remaining few having children, but there is something wrong with their DNA. Newborns with the Defect can't survive, and half of all pregnancies must be terminated. *(should I put 17-year-old? No, you should not start a sentence with a number unless it is spelled out. Also, it is unnecessary information. They will find that out in the book.)* Era Corinth knows she's lucky. She won approval for her first pregnancy and a spot with her husband on the flagship _Paragon_.

But on the day she's scheduled to find out if her baby has the Defect, there's a hull breach&#8230;and it may not have been an accident.
------
As the investigation unfolds, Era begins to question everything she's been taught about the fleet, the search for a new Earth, and the Defect. She must decide if she's willing to risk everything for a chance to uncover the truth.
---
True, you want to leave them with a cliffhanger, but in my opinion, this isn't it. Why do you need to say this last part? Your character has two problems - the DNA and the hull breach, both of which you've already spelled out. Of course they are going to investigate and of course there will be a choice to make.

Try getting a good night's sleep and then let go of your words and write it completely different in the morning. It doesn't suck like mine did, but it can be better.


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## AutumnKQ (Jul 27, 2013)

Yeah. I'm about ready to cry right now. I'll be back in the am! Thank you.


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## Jacqueline_Sweet (Jan 10, 2014)

Martitalbott said:


> Sure, go for it.


Thank you!

Here is what I have for my novella, Seduced by the Dragon
_
When Rowan Corbett, the human daughter of werewolves, is haunted by dreams of a terrible golden dragon, she decides to hunt the monster down. Enlisting the help of her brother and a mysterious woman who forges magic items, Rowan corners the beast in its lair. But the battle takes an unexpected turn when Rowan finds herself powerfully attracted to the beast's shifted form. _


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Jacqueline_Sweet said:


> Thank you!
> 
> Here is what I have for my novella, Seduced by the Dragon
> _
> When Rowan Corbett, the human daughter of werewolves, is haunted by dreams of a terrible golden dragon, she decides to hunt the monster down. Enlisting the help of her brother and a mysterious woman who forges magic items, Rowan corners the beast in its lair. But the battle takes an unexpected turn when Rowan finds herself powerfully attracted to the beast's shifted form. _


I'm going to bed now, I'll be back in the morning to look at this.


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## CrissyM (Mar 14, 2012)

Okay, I'll bite. I could always use some fresh eyes on my blurbs.

Urban fantasy:



> *The ancient gods lost the battle, and monotheism spread across the globe, forcing some into hiding, and others into a deep sleep.
> 
> Lost and forgotten in time, and unable to die, the immortal gods had to choose new paths. Some slept, letting time forge on without them. Some learned to prosper on the meager worship of a few adherents. Still others became dark brooding shadows of what they once were, obsessed with regaining their former glory.
> 
> ...


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## P.A. Woodburn (May 22, 2010)

Hi Marti:

This is a mystery/thriller and I think the blurb could use some improvement. Do you have any suggestions?

A serious accident caused Alex Buchanan to telepathically communicate with animals. She is stunned to actually experience the enraged emotions of a chimpanzee when he attacks her friend--all this on her first day as a lab technician in an American Sign Language primate research center.

Alex is highly secretive about her unwelcome gift, because she is sure that revealing it will squash her plans for achieving her dream: medical school. Taught by her parents to support scientific/medical research, she feels that her opinions about vivisection (cutting on live animals) may be challenged.

Sean Murphy, her lawyer boyfriend is snatched away. Could the FBI have realized he was on their most wanted list? Now alone, Alex is certain that she is being stalked by a serial killer. She maintains constant vigilance. The mounting body toll puts her in a panic. Do all of the dead have something in common? What could it be?


Terrified, Alex abandons her support for scientific/medical research, instead using her newfound paranormal ability. She works ferociously to uncover the killer before he destroys her human and animal friends. Will she have the strength and courage to defeat the killer? Failure will lead to certain death?

"Cries in the Dark" is a mystery/thriller revealing hidden talents of animals and humans.


Thanks so much. Will check back in the morning.


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## Massimo Marino (Oct 14, 2013)

Blurb for "Daimones" Vol.1 of the "Daimones Trilogy"

A deadly, silent invasion leaves survivors befuddled, wary, and broken. A First Contact and an Apocalypse with roots millions of years old. 

Dan Amenta wakes up one morning to discover the world has changed. 

Death spread around the globe. Yet Dan and his family remain untouched. He begins to fear they are the only three people left alive on Earth. They are not.Efforts to survive and make contact with others reveal disturbing truths about the human extermination. Dan finds Laura who discloses even more. Her presence - a young, sexy, disruptive girl - adds questions about what is moral and ethical in this new reality. 

Then supernatural experiences reported by other survivors force Dan to seek explanations from his own past. Memories of childhood hallucinations strike him with sledgehammer force, bringing him face-to-face with a secret millions of years old. Planet Earth is in the hands of an older power, one Dan never envisioned and dares not disobey... 

"Even with the best of intentions, cruelty is just around the corner."

A first contact and an alien colonization set the seeds in the trilogy for a galactic upheaval and space wars with aliens.


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## Massimo Marino (Oct 14, 2013)

In a dark future, aliens are regenerating a new, transgenic species of humans called the Selected. But when sabotage and conspiracy threaten -- and a divided humanity risks destroying itself -- can one human save his species in time?

A first contact with aliens leads to the apocalypse, and seeds a new theater for space wars with aliens, and galactic empires struggles.
"Even with the best of intentions, cruelty is just around the corner."


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## AutumnKQ (Jul 27, 2013)

Here's mine, fully rewritten. I rewrote it at 2am last night, but can't do better this morning ha.
---
*It's the mistake that's followed them.*

The last humans fled a dying Earth 300 years ago, but there was something they couldn't leave behind.
Every colonist in the fleet carries mangled genes that harm the unborn, and half of all pregnancies must be terminated.

The day seventeen-year-old Era Corinth is supposed to find out if her baby has the Defect, her ship suffers a hull breach. And it may not have been an accident.

As the investigation unfolds, Era begins to question everything she's ever been taught about the fleet and the Defect. But some things are (better?)best kept secret&#8230;
----

I'm not married that tagline. I wish I didn't need a tagline, but I do, because it's taking up space in the top right hand corner of my book. I'll replace it later with something else, like if I get a good blurb somewhere along the line. I can't put 'The legacy code is the mistake they can't erase."

Other tagline ideas:

"Half of all babies have the Defect and must be aborted."

"It's the mistake that's followed them."

"The fleet escaped Earth...but there was something they couldn't leave behind."

"They escaped Earth, but not everything got left behind."

"They fled Earth, but some things couldn't be escaped."


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

Jacqueline_Sweet said:


> Thank you!
> 
> Here is what I have for my novella, Seduced by the Dragon
> _
> When Rowan Corbett, the human daughter of werewolves, is haunted by dreams of a terrible golden dragon, she decides to hunt the monster down. Enlisting the help of her brother and a mysterious woman who forges magic items, Rowan corners the beast in its lair. But the battle takes an unexpected turn when Rowan finds herself powerfully attracted to the beast's shifted form. _


Good morning,
I'm not sure I can improve on this. It looks fine the way it is unless you want to make your first line a little more dramatic. Try this the way it is, and if it doesn't sell, go back to the drawing board.


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

CrissyM said:


> Okay, I'll bite. I could always use some fresh eyes on my blurbs.
> 
> Urban fantasy:


Hi Crissy, First, not being familiar with this genre, I had to look up the word monotheism. It might make others stumble as well.
----
The ancient gods lost the battle, and monotheism spread across the globe, forcing some into hiding, and others into a deep sleep. 
(Good first line)
-------
Lost and forgotten in time, and unable to die, the immortal gods had to choose new paths. Some slept, letting time forge on without them. Some learned to prosper on the meager worship of a few adherents. Still others became dark brooding shadows of what they once were, obsessed with regaining their former glory.
(This paragraph says the same thing as the first, only in more detail. Maybe you could combine them. Try pulling the important points out, and then reconstructing.)
-------
The goddesses of fate, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, chose a different path. They gave up some of their divinity, choosing to reincarnate rather then waste away in their godly bodies. By working with the Vatican to capture the dangerous god-lings, they shift the balance of power, letting man make the world his own, unhindered. 
(It is not necessary to name the goddesses. What is a god-ling? Are they they major problem your characters have to solve?)
---
But one of the ancient gods has awoken from his slumbers, and he knows just enough about the Fates to remain hidden from their sight. And just enough about the world of man to create chaos in his wake.

To trap the god-ling before he regains his strength, the Fates have to do something they haven't done in centuries. They must tap into the divine power that once made them a force even gods feared. But at what cost? And what will their keepers do when the Fates remember their true strength?
-----
(What are the Fates? It is not necessary to describe the whole book, just choose the major problem, describe it, and add that little line that makes the reader click the buy button. I know, it's hard, but simple is always better in blurbs.)


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

AutumnKQ said:


> Here's mine, fully rewritten. I rewrote it at 2am last night, but can't do better this morning ha.
> ---
> *It's the mistake that's followed them.*
> 
> ...


Good Morning, Autumn. I'm glad I didn't throw you into a major slump. We're almost there, just hang on. 
-----
The last humans fled a dying Earth 300 years ago, but there was something they couldn't leave behind.
Every colonist in the fleet carries mangled genes that harm the unborn, and half of all pregnancies must be terminated. 
(I'm going to turn this some of this around a little to make it flow better. You have to watch me on tense, I never get it right.)
---
Three hundred years ago, the last humans fled *(fled is past tense)* a dying earth. All of them carry *(carry is present tense)* a mangled DNA *(DNA is a power word that will draw attention)* harmful to the unborn, and causing half of all pregnancies to be terminated.

The day Era Corinth is supposed to find out if her baby has the Defect, *(Do you mean to capitalize defect? How about saying the Legacy Code Defect?)* her ship suffers a hull breach - and it may not have been an accident. As the investigation unfolds, she begins to question everything she's ever been taught about the fleet and the Defect. More importantly, she learns some things are best kept secret.
----

I'm not married that tagline. I wish I didn't need a tagline, but I do, because it's taking up space in the top right hand corner of my book. I'll replace it later with something else, like if I get a good blurb somewhere along the line. I can't put 'The legacy code is the mistake they can't erase."
-----
(I never use taglines. I use a beginning sentence sometimes and keep it separate from the body, but I don't think taglines are necessary. Not understanding your thinking on this. By the way, if you are thinking taglines help with search engines, then you are better off using your keywords for that.)

I think it's getting better, what do you think?


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## Marti talbott (Apr 19, 2011)

After a delightful response to my latest book, those crazy people want more.

Therefore, I'm out of the blurb business. Hope I managed to help a few people along the way. Good luck everyone.


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## LBrent (Jul 1, 2013)

Martitalbott said:


> All of them carry (carry is present tense) a mangled DNA (DNA is a power word that will draw attention) harmful to the unborn, and causing half of all pregnancies to be terminated.


How about:
All of them *carried* (carry is present tense) a mangled DNA (DNA is a power word that will draw attention) harmful to the unborn, *that would cause* half of all pregnancies to be terminated.


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## AutumnKQ (Jul 27, 2013)

Thank you!
I think I'll send that latest version off to my editor, but I'll fix the tense. I wanted a tag line for the cover of my book, but I'll keep thinking on that.


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## LBrent (Jul 1, 2013)

AutumnKQ said:


> I wanted a tag line for the cover of my book, but I'll keep thinking on that.


How about:

The Legacy Code Defect: the mistake that's followed them.


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## P.A. Woodburn (May 22, 2010)

Sorry I missed your blurb making expertise, but I'm delighted to hear your new book is doing well. Perhaps if I carefully go over all your advice to others I will be able to repair my own blurb. 

Anyway you've got the best possible reason for leaving the blurb business.


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## CrissyM (Mar 14, 2012)

Martitalbott said:


> Hi Crissy, First, not being familiar with this genre, I had to look up the word monotheism. It might make others stumble as well.
> ----
> The ancient gods lost the battle, and monotheism spread across the globe, forcing some into hiding, and others into a deep sleep.
> (Good first line)
> ...


Thanks, I will definitly be working a bit more on this one.


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