# My sales are so bad ...



## Ty Johnston (Jun 19, 2009)

... I have to send Amazon a check every month.

... the nearest Barnes & Noble closes its Nook booth when they see me coming.

... even the IRS won't take my money.

... Mark Coker won't speak at a conference near my house.

What about you?


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## Herc- The Reluctant Geek (Feb 10, 2010)

...even the debt collectors feel sorry for me (but not enough to read my books)


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## Desmond X. Torres (Mar 16, 2013)

It’s not me, but I know a guy…  
Whose sales are so bad…
-	Panhandlers give him money
-	When you click on the link to his book, your computer locks up
-	His books don’t get reviews, they get warnings
-	His Pen Name ran out of ink
-	His buy button on Amazon qualifies as a charitable contribution
-	He had to give up coffee and cigarettes to buy more Kleenex
-	He authors his books on looseleaf using a pencil, composing in block letters so that when people ask what he does for a living he says ‘I’m a printer’


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## Zoe Cannon (Sep 2, 2012)

...my sales rank has more digits than the national debt.
...the last time I sold a book was sometime in the late Cretaceous.
...I aspire to getting enough sales to use the Turd Master badge in my signature.


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## brie.mcgill (Jun 5, 2013)

The only way I think some of this is possible is if people return... freebies...?


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

... I'm thinking about sending out query letters.


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## JRTomlin (Jan 18, 2011)

Mimi said:


> ... I'm thinking about sending out query letters.


Oh, no! That is the worst!


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

JRTomlin said:


> Oh, no! That is the worst!


I know, right?! It can never, ever be that bad ... can it?


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## johnlmonk (Jul 24, 2013)

Ty Johnston said:


> What about you?


Ty, I like your sales rank, who are you kidding?  But, in the spirit of this fun little thread...

My sales are so bad:

...my sales rank crashed all of Amazon.com the other day (division by zero error)

...even Smashwords won't take me.

...I googled my name and it had a link for a 1997 geocities site that's not there anymore. Wasn't even the same John L. Monk.

...the moderators at kboards.com have sent me private messages saying, "John, if you wanna self-promote in the Writer's Cafe...it's cool."

...the pirate sites don't have my book, just a link for a 1997 geocities site that's not there anymore....


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## SpearsII (Jan 16, 2010)

... Not even my mom bought the book.


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## Lefty (Apr 7, 2011)

...my wife even bought one of my stories.


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

johnlmonk said:


> ...the moderators at kboards.com have sent me private messages saying, "John, if you wanna self-promote in the Writer's Cafe...it's cool."


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## johnlmonk (Jul 24, 2013)

Betsy the Quilter said:


>


Lol 

I've linked this thread over in my facebook, it's a riot.


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## K. A. Jordan (Aug 5, 2010)

I've updated my resume and am looking over the various job hunting websites.


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## RinG (Mar 12, 2013)

... I'm getting so used to the BBOS, I'm thinking of painting my house that colour.


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## JeanneM (Mar 21, 2011)

My sales are so bad that my cover models wouldn't sign a release. They were worried about their reputation.


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## 13893 (Apr 29, 2010)

Mimi said:


> ... I'm thinking about sending out query letters.


Ack! That hurt to read it...


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## Ty Johnston (Jun 19, 2009)

... when I order copies of my books from CreateSpace, they send me Lightning Source editions.

... I e-mailed an editor the other day and begged to write a synopsis.


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## DuncanMH (Apr 24, 2013)

Mimi said:


> ... I'm thinking about sending out query letters.


Definitely my favourite one so far!


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## Shawn Hilton (Jul 10, 2013)

..I am debating paying readers, just to read it.


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## RockyGrede (Apr 19, 2013)

Glynn James said:


> My sales are so bad
> 
> ...even my cat is using a pseudonym to avoid the embarrassment
> ...when I tried to fill in my payment details on KDP and it said "Not Required"
> ...


Best ones so far


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## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

...the local anti-porn group sent me a thank you letter.


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## NathanWrann (May 5, 2011)

My sales are so bad...

...my free books have returns.


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## Gennita Low (Dec 13, 2012)

My sales are so bad...

My pet squirrel carry a sign "Will work for nuts" when we go for our walks.

I owe myself money.

My accountant is using my book sales under the charitable contribution column.

My roofing crew has to line up for my book signings or be fired.


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## Ardin (Nov 1, 2012)

My ebooks sales are so bad Borders are opening a store near my house.


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## D.L. Shutter (Jul 9, 2011)

...Salon wants to do a main page article on me as an expose on everything that's wrong with self-pub.

...PayPal is threatening to halt service for any E-tailer that carries my work.

...Author Solutions offered me a grant.


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## unkownwriter (Jun 22, 2011)

...my book hit the NY Times' list from the opposite direction.


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## Joe_Nobody (Oct 23, 2012)




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## rachelmadison (Aug 31, 2013)

Joe_Nobody said:


>


haha! Nice! ^^

These are all great! Awesome thread.


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## James Bruno (Mar 15, 2011)

My sales are so bad -

--the local power plant asked if I would send over remainders of my print copies to help heat the region.

--Amazon and B&N removed my ebooks from their digital shelves to make room for the works of self-published sixth graders.

--past reviewers are deleting their book reviews out of embarrassment for having read the books.

--I've been awarded a state arts grant to NOT write and publish.


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## johnlmonk (Jul 24, 2013)

Ardin said:


> My ebooks sales are so bad Borders are opening a store near my house.


Ardin - Awesome!

Joe_nobody - love it!

My favorite thread this week so far


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## JamesDearling (Aug 15, 2013)

My sales are so bad..

... My readers are using their kindles to fix wobbly tables
... My newsletter has become a monthly warning


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## Hugh Howey (Feb 11, 2012)

My sales are so bad ...

... We had to sell our second home in the Hamptons.

If they continue like this, we'll have to sell our first home in the Hamptons, too!


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## rachelmadison (Aug 31, 2013)

Hugh Howey said:


> My sales are so bad ...
> 
> ... We had to sell our second home in the Hamptons.
> 
> If they continue like this, we'll have to sell our first home in the Hamptons, too!


uh...not cool. If you wind up homeless and need a place to stay, you're welcome to the pullout couch in our living room. We got it at a yard sale for $35 ten years ago, but it's an Ethan Allen; you'd be surprised how comfortable it is!



mvwhite said:


> ...that I've given up and haven't written anything for months.


Don't do that! Keep the ink flowing no matter what!!!


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## johnlmonk (Jul 24, 2013)

...I got my previous "sales are so bad" jokes kicked off the "sales are so bad" thread.


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## Ashy (Jul 2, 2013)

mvwhite said:


> ...that I've given up and haven't written anything for months.


If yer serious - DON'T STOP WRITING!


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## RaeC (Aug 20, 2013)

My sales are so bad...

Rodney Dangerfield's wife gives me no respect.

My sales are so bad...

I have to include a copy of_ Pluto Nash_ for anyone to read my book.


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## Eric Zawadzki (Feb 4, 2011)

This thread is awesome. So many way funnier ones than I can come up with.

My sales are so bad...

...people don't bother telling me not to give up my day job. It's already understood.

...book stores have taken out restraining orders out against me.

...Writer Beware doesn't need to research scam artists anymore. They just ask me which agents/editors sent me something other than a form letter.

...even Publish America won't take money.


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## johnlmonk (Jul 24, 2013)

superfictious said:


> My sales are so bad...
> 
> Rodney Dangerfield's wife gives me no respect.
> 
> ...


Ok, you made me spill my drink.


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## Scribbler (Apr 27, 2012)

I offered a free Porche to everyone buying one of my short stories ... not one sale.


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## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

My sales are so bad, Rihanna wants to date them.


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## Sam Kates (Aug 28, 2012)

- if the brown bar does disappear, it’s like losing an old friend
- beggars don’t mind me taking change
- I’d settle for a sale in Brazil
- I spam in the Amazon forums and the trolls make sympathetic noises


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## Ty Johnston (Jun 19, 2009)

-- my freebies have to give away freebies.

-- my Kindle laughs at me when I download one of my own freebies.

-- the folks at D2D told me to go to Smashwords.

-- and vice versa.


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## JRTomlin (Jan 18, 2011)

Mimi said:


> I know, right?! It can never, ever be that bad ... can it?


Slit my wrists... Send out queries...

Which would be worst? Nope, I don't think it will ever be that bad.

ETA: My sales are so bad, I'm being forced to write a new novel!


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## Ty Johnston (Jun 19, 2009)

... my editor pays _me _by the word.

Not to have to read my copy.


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## georgette (Sep 4, 2013)

This thread is the reason we need "like" buttons! Or even "love" buttons! (Actually that sounded vaguely obscene, but I write e-rom so it's appropriate.)


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## KayL.Wetter (Aug 8, 2013)

I'm still waiting for my first paycheck.(not a joke wish it was though) I would even be grateful for the 14.00 dollers or so that's just been sitting in my kdp and createspace accounts (14.00 is both added up) since the end of August. 

I'm considering it all a learning experience though so don't feel too bad. I'm thinking positive.


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## S.A. Mulraney (May 20, 2011)

My sales are so bad...

...my pseudonym has filed for legal separation


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## Vivienne Mathews (May 7, 2013)

... I threw my latest tracking sheet into the compost pile and the level of decay caused the entire bin to burst into flame.
... mathematicians are using Vivienne's Sales Rank as a synonym for Graham's number. (And then high-fiving one another. Jerks.)
... Mythbusters is doing an episode to find out whether or not a black hole can be created via an Amazon Author Page.

But the worst of it? My sales stink so bad that my dog has learned to ask "You gonna eat that?" in thirteen languages.


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## SVD (Jan 15, 2013)

...I tried to promote on Twitter, but everyone just gave me the finger.

...Barnes & Noble asked me when I was going to leave the ebook business.

...Draft2Digital sent me a sympathy card.

...one of characters contacted me, and wants to be written out of the sequel.

...my laptop sent me an email that said, "Just stop."

...that I consider one sale every two weeks a rally.

...when the numbers change on my sales reports, they creak like an old door.


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## Dave Renol (Mar 4, 2013)

... That my first piece of fan mail was asking if it came in 2-ply.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

...my keyboard has issued a restraining order...

...Jeff Bezos is looking for a new shade of brown...

...each of my e-books come complete with their very own table of discontent...

...Betsy is e-mailing me a quilt of despair...


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## B.A. Spangler (Jan 25, 2012)

Desmond X. Torres said:


> It's not me, but I know a guy&#8230;
> Whose sales are so bad&#8230;
> -	Panhandlers give him money
> -	When you click on the link to his book, your computer locks up
> ...


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## Quiss (Aug 21, 2012)

SVD said:


> ...one of characters contacted me, and wants to be written out of the sequel.


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## Ty Johnston (Jun 19, 2009)

... my editor told me my book stunk, and when I told her I wanted a second opinion, she said, "And you're ugly, too."


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## Liz Davis (Dec 10, 2011)

Ty Johnston said:


> ... I have to send Amazon a check every month.
> 
> ... the nearest Barnes & Noble closes its Nook booth when they see me coming.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the good laugh. You made my day.


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## zandermarks (May 20, 2013)

My print and ebook sales are so bad...

...I just won the Nobel Physics Prize for being nowhere in two places at once.


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## TexasGirl (Dec 21, 2011)

even twerking on an awards show can't save them.


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## johnlmonk (Jul 24, 2013)

...kdp.amazon.com sent me an email with one line in the body: Unsubscribe.


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## Gator (Sep 28, 2012)

... Publish America contacted me, begging me not to submit any of my manuscripts.

... my long-term unemployed neighbor offered to sell his car and give me the money, 'cause I obviously needed it more than he did.

... stray, half-starved dogs leave scraps on my porch for my dog to eat.


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## Jac1106 (Jan 13, 2012)

... When I click REPORTS on my KDP dashboard it says "This feature is available only to authors/publishers with at least one ebook sold within the past 365 days."


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## Jac1106 (Jan 13, 2012)

I reboot my pc, use a different browser and click on REPORTS again. A box pops up and says "We're not kidding. -- Love, KDP"


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