# Dr. Jason Solves Your Relationship Problems



## Guest (Jan 29, 2011)

You may be surprised to know that I actually know a huge amount about romance, and I'm here to prove my credentials. If you've got a real or hypothetical situation that needs fixing, tell me about it and I guarantee I will present you with a fool-proof solution to getting what you want. Large or small, anything is fair game.

Who's first?



-- Dr. Jason


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2011)

Bleekness said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> My girlfriend of about five years has a problem. I've discovered she has an eating disorder. She's a brain eating zombie, and well, people are really starting to notice, especially at restaurants. I'll have the surf n turf, but she opts for the waiter, or whoever is handy to our table. This is really starting to bother me. She's made all of our couple friends disappear, and our lawn parties are no longer fun. I'm embarrassed to got to the local mini mart for chips and dip . Also, Dump-truck our cat is becoming more and more stressed out about her litter box, and there are strange smells coming form the basement. I've tried talking to her, but she just repeatedly moans about about what _she_ needs these days. And it's distressing talking to her. I'm getting tired of her monosyllabic retorts. All she seems interested in is wanting to invite my folks over for nachos, which strikes me as really odd.
> 
> ...


Dear "Close to shooting her undead a$$" Keith,

Thanks so much for writing to me with your problem. I can understand your concern, but you'll be comforted to know that this is actually a really common situation. The truth is that for the most part women are very good at concealing their status as brain-eating zombies. Often the passion and the romance can lead us to overlook the red flags, but at some point we've got to realize the truth: she's more after your brains than your smarts.

Here's what you do. Inoculate yourself and your remaining survivor friends by allowing a vampire to bite you. As a vampire, you'll be immortal and you'll be able to make her jealous because vampires always have good luck attracting female attention. Once she's jealous, she'll want to eat your brains. Let her do this. Vampire actually trumps zombie, and before she's even gotten to your cortex she'll be a vampire too. Then you can both live happily ever after.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason


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## David &#039;Half-Orc&#039; Dalglish (Feb 1, 2010)

Dr. Jason,

So, my wife wants to totally redesign our bedroom, pick out colors, etc. I, personally, don't care about this in the slightest. How do I tell her this without getting denied sex for the next two weeks?


Your 500th biggest fan,

David Dalglish


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2011)

Bleekness said:


> I'll try that today Dr Jason! Even as I type this, my girlfriend is trying to break her chains and take yet another run at me and Dump-truck. can't take the mental and physical abuse any longer, and my cat can only climb so high. As soon as I'm finished here, I'll head down to the seven-eleven. I think I saw a vampire in there the other day!
> I owe you one.
> 
> Thank you so much Dr. Jason,
> ...


Don't forget to get her a slurpee while you're at 7/11! Captivity always goes down easier when you've got a slurpee.


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## Sean Sweeney (Apr 17, 2010)

foreverjuly said:


> Don't forget to get her a slurpee while you're at 7/11! Captivity always goes down easier when you've got a slurpee.


Now I want a slurpee.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

Half-Orc said:


> Dr. Jason,
> 
> So, my wife wants to totally redesign our bedroom, pick out colors, etc. I, personally, don't care about this in the slightest. How do I tell her this without getting denied sex for the next two weeks?
> 
> ...


Mr. Dalglish,

Oh, my! That's a very tricky situation. Frought with pitfalls on both sides. I do think your best bet is a compromise. Tell your wife you'll redesign and repaint the bedroom if and only if you are having sex while you do it. Sure, there might be some interesting impressions painted on the wall, but they'll make for a great story later when you're giving tours of the house or having a heart-to-heart talk with the kids.

I hope you find this answer suitable.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason


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## Sean Sweeney (Apr 17, 2010)

Banging my head against the wall....


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## David &#039;Half-Orc&#039; Dalglish (Feb 1, 2010)

I have relayed this answer to my wife. This is her exact response, word for word:



> Tell him his answer will still get you no sex for a year, and you still have to help redesign the bedroom.


Crap.


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## David &#039;Half-Orc&#039; Dalglish (Feb 1, 2010)

Dr. Jason,

So my wife is about to deny me sex for the next year. What should I do?

Your biggest fan,
David Dalglish


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## Sean Sweeney (Apr 17, 2010)

Half-Orc said:


> Dr. Jason,
> 
> So my wife is about to deny me sex for the next year. What should I do?
> 
> ...


Get a special t shirt.


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## Barbiedull (Jul 13, 2010)

Half-Orc said:


> How do I tell her this without getting denied sex for the next two weeks?


 Don't tell her. Say "Wow, that's the same thing _I_ was thinking! What colors did you have in mind Dear? Really? Me too!"


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

Half-Orc said:


> Dr. Jason,
> 
> So my wife is about to deny me sex for the next year. What should I do?
> 
> ...





John Fitch V said:


> Get a special t shirt.


Boy, she drives a *hard* bargain. I think Mr. Fitch here is on the right track, but there is another solution. If you'd like to not only enjoy the pleasures of the flesh _and _neglect redesigning the bedroom, you've got to get through to her more primal instincts. Sell the house and move into a cave. Burn your clothes and wear only animal skin togas. Take all technology and throw it in a lake. After all this, you can bet that some sweet loving will seem very appealing to her.


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## David &#039;Half-Orc&#039; Dalglish (Feb 1, 2010)

Hrm.

Dr. Barbie's advice seems sound and practical. It might work!

But I'm going with the cave advice.

David Ugha-booga Dalglish.


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## 13893 (Apr 29, 2010)

Dear Dr. Jason,

I have a problem. Ever since my boyfriend got his Kindle 3, he's been ignoring me, if you know what I mean. It's always "let me finish this story" or "just one more chapter."

I fall asleep every night with the covers over my head. (No, the light does NOT not bother your bedmate.)

But this is the problem. He put his Kindle down to go to the bathroom last night, and I picked it up to see what he was reading. It was an "erotica romance" story I wrote under my fake pen name! I looked, and his K3 has every single p*rn title I've published!

I really don't want anyone to know about my little hobby. It would ruin my reputation as a serious artist. Should I tell him or take the secret to my grave?

Signed,
Miss Prim


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## Sean Sweeney (Apr 17, 2010)

LKRigel said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> I have a problem. Ever since my boyfriend got his Kindle 3, he's been ignoring me, if you know what I mean. It's always "let me finish this story" or "just one more chapter."
> 
> ...


As opposed to a real pen name?


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## Barbiedull (Jul 13, 2010)

PS: Next time use a smaller club...


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

First of all, I had a hunch Barbiedull was going to do exactly that.  Second of all...



LKRigel said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> I have a problem. Ever since my boyfriend got his Kindle 3, he's been ignoring me, if you know what I mean. It's always "let me finish this story" or "just one more chapter."
> 
> ...


Miss Prim,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. As you know, being addicted to pornography is a serious issue that has real consequences, such as constantly running out of tissues and, when the tissues are all gone, drapes. But in this situation it's your out-of-control erotica writing that is slowing eating away at your marriage like lye on a dead body outside of a Vegas hotel. Contrary to what you might think, quitting your habit is not the solution. Instead, you've got to write special story in which you and him are the characters. There's no need for description or details. Just dialogue is fine. Now it may either be your talent as a writer or a love-maker, but he won't even notice when the story leaps off the page and into his lap. Talk about getting lost in your fiction.

Or you could use the money from those poor BN customers to pay for your couples counseling.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason


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## Barbiedull (Jul 13, 2010)

Dr. Jason, I think you have found your true calling.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

Barbiedull said:


> Dr. Jason, I think you have found your true calling.


Does that mean you're finally willing to open up and trust me with your problem?


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## 13893 (Apr 29, 2010)

foreverjuly said:


> First of all, I had a hunch Barbiedull was going to do exactly that.  Second of all...
> 
> Miss Prim,
> 
> ...


Dear Dr. Jason,

I agree with Ms. Dull -- you have found your true calling! This answer is total win/win. Surely he'll respond to my magical prose *and *I'll add to my p*rn loot.

You are a genius!

Thank you ever so much,
Miss Prim


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## Barbiedull (Jul 13, 2010)

Problem? What problem? I don't have a problem...


```
..one more face and I'll stop photoshopping...just one more...
```


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## M.S. Verish (Feb 26, 2010)

Dear Dr. Jason,

My wife and I write fantasy together. Are we insane?

Sincerely,
Matt


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

LKRigel said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> I agree with Ms. Dull -- you have found your true calling! This answer is total win/win. Surely he'll respond to my magical prose *and *I'll add to my p*rn loot.
> 
> ...


I do what I can!



Barbiedull said:


> Problem? What problem? I don't have a problem...
> 
> 
> ```
> ...


Uh oh...I know denial when I see it. You know, the first step to having a problem is admitting you have a problem.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

Matthew + Stefanie Verish said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> My wife and I write fantasy together. Are we insane?
> 
> ...


Dear Matt,

If writing fantasy makes you insane, I'm Mel Gibson. No, on the contrary, men and women were never intended to have anything whatsoever to do with each other, and everyone knows getting even remotely close to the opposite sex is bound to cause irreparable psychological damage, so living in a fantasy world and ignoring the painful realities of married life sounds perfect.

I hope this answer is satisfactory.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason


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## Barbiedull (Jul 13, 2010)

foreverjuly said:


> living in a fantasy world and ignoring the painful realities of married life sounds perfect.


 That works for me too!


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## M.S. Verish (Feb 26, 2010)

> If writing fantasy makes you insane, I'm Mel Gibson. No, on the contrary, men and women were never intended to have anything whatsoever to do with each other, and everyone knows getting even remotely close to the opposite sex is bound to cause irreparable psychological damage, so living in a fantasy world and ignoring the painful realities of married life sounds perfect.


Oh good. Now we can go back to ignoring things like bills, annoying relatives, car repairs, Jersey Shore and do what we were meant to do: press our digits on plastic squares.

Thanks Dr. Jason!


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

Matthew + Stefanie Verish said:


> press our digits on plastic squares.


Haha! I do a lot of this too. Right along with staring at glowing rectangles!


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## Brenda Carroll (May 21, 2009)

Dear Dr. Jason:
I am a bit embarrassed to write to you about my... er... problem.  I've tried soaking in cast-iron-bathtubs on beaches, lakeshores and mountainsides with my girl, but nothing seems to help.  It's not that I have a personal problem that can be cured with a pill or anything, but rather I have a problem with scales.
Yes, scales.  Not bathroom scales or kitchen diet scales.  No, I'm afraid I have an actual scale problem.  Not that I have scales, you see.  My girl has scales.  She also has a weight problem... I'm no Moto-Moto, but baby, she huge!! Furthermore, she spouts flames from her nostrils when she gets excited and this is very dangerous.  We've already had to move three times due to complaints from the neighbors about the smell of burning sulfur.  I mean, it's OK if I rub her from north to south, but if I reverse directions, her scales rip the flesh from my hands and everything else that might be exposed at the time.  
I've tried to talk to her about moisturizer, but she says that it is too expensive by the case and that she doesn't like the smell.
Please help me, I really, really love her, but how can we compromise on this or get around it?  Should I just give up and date the chameleon that lives down the street?  (At least she has pliable skin and bedroom eyes.)
Sincerely,
Brendan


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2011)

Brendan Carroll said:


> Dear Dr. Jason:
> I am a bit embarrassed to write to you about my... er... problem. I've tried soaking in cast-iron-bathtubs on beaches, lakeshores and mountainsides with my girl, but nothing seems to help. It's not that I have a personal problem that can be cured with a pill or anything, but rather I have a problem with scales.
> Yes, scales. Not bathroom scales or kitchen diet scales. No, I'm afraid I have an actual scale problem. Not that I have scales, you see. My girl has scales. She also has a weight problem... I'm no Moto-Moto, but baby, she huge!! Furthermore, she spouts flames from her nostrils when she gets excited and this is very dangerous. We've already had to move three times due to complaints from the neighbors about the smell of burning sulfur. I mean, it's OK if I rub her from north to south, but if I reverse directions, her scales rip the flesh from my hands and everything else that might be exposed at the time.
> I've tried to talk to her about moisturizer, but she says that it is too expensive by the case and that she doesn't like the smell.
> ...


Dear Brendon,

The chameleon down the street? I think you're better off with the Geiko geeko. But seriously, you've got to use your head here. As we all know from Shrek, ladies like yours need and deserve love too, and there's really only one way to give it to them. Remember in The Hobbit how the dragon had that one spot on its belly with no scales? While the guy foolishly shot it with an arrow, you're much better off using a feather teaser to get her blood pumping. That's her g spot, and as long as you've got it under control you should be able to do anything you want.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason


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## telracs (Jul 12, 2009)

Where did you get your psychology degree?  Miskatonic University?


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## Guest (Jan 31, 2011)

scarlet said:


> Where did you get your psychology degree? Miskatonic University?


Why, yes, yes, I did, or I would have if I hadn't learned halfway through that degrees are for suckers.That's how smart I am. I know I don't need a degree.


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2011)

The doctor is in, if anyone needs help in time for Valentine's Day.


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

Dear Dr. Jason,

Two years ago I fell in love with my first hand-held gadget.


Spoiler



(Get your minds out of the gutter, people -- not that kind.)


 Clad in handmade red leather, endowed with a name and a personality, and gifted with hundreds of offerings from the Amazon Store, she stayed faithfully by my side until a sudden and severe illness known as _screenus fracturus_ claimed her.

Thanks to kind helpers, I was able to find a successor, but alas, this time I feel as though I am in an arranged marriage. There is no love between us. There is reliable performance, yes, but offered with the impersonal chilliness of a mere _device_. After months of daily closeness I have yet to discover the name of my new companion. Did I err in not observing a sufficient period of mourning? Did I offend with my expectation that my first love's Amazon gifts would be just as well-received when passed along to her successor?

Surely I cannot continue to use a serial number instead of a name. Surely at least some glimpse of a personality isn't too much to ask. But how to break through the blank demeanor?

Um, that last question isn't meant _literally_, of course.

Sincerely,
Snubbed-by-my-Kindle Susan


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## Sean Sweeney (Apr 17, 2010)

Oh God, Jason's bored.


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2011)

Susan in VA said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> Two years ago I fell in love with my first hand-held gadget.
> 
> ...


Dear Snubbed-by-my-Kindle Susan,

Thanks so much for your inquiry. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me with your problem. The thing with gadgets is that they are so often an extension of ourselves, and sometimes we use them to compensate for things. Lots of guys buy fancy sports cars to cover up for their fun-sized snickers. I personally carry a GPS into the bedroom so that when I'm under the covers I can find my way north. I recommend getting to the root of what your Kindle does for you, and embrace it. If I had to guess, you're yearning for more communication, and so using the text-to-speak function will help your Kindle come alive for you in ways you never thought possible. Your Kindle's waiting for a chance to woo you, so give it a chance to speak!

I hope you find this answer acceptable.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason Letts III Esq.


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

It's a little bit scary. . . .but I think Jason might be on to something, Susan. . . . .


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

Oh dear. Text-to-speech is my _least_ favorite feature. I look forward to the peace and quiet of reading... I get enough chatter and communication the rest of the time!

Besides, how would I even choose between the male and the female voice? 

No, Ann, I think I've figured it out: it's natural reticence caused by being raised in a convent.


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

Susan in VA said:


> Besides, how would I even choose between the male and the female voice?


Susan? have you given this Kindle a name? That might be part of the problem. It's feeling the severe neglect of having a mommy who won't name it. Once you have a name, picking the voice will be easy. Have you dressed your Kindle? Is the skin more masculine or feminine? giving it a male name, but dressing it in a pink butterfly skin & case might give it identity issues. Did you customize the screensavers? do they go along with all of the above?


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## Geoffrey (Jun 20, 2009)

Dear Dr. Jason,

On Valentine's Day, my partner starts a week on call and will pretty much be stuck at home.  At the same time, I'm flying to Jamaica on business for two weeks.  Since he can't fly out for the weekend, is my appropriate response to drink enough for the both of us and then pretend I had no fun at all?

Sincerely,
Can't Pretend I'm Not Looking Forward to This Trip


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2011)

Susan in VA said:


> Besides, how would I even choose between the male and the female voice?


Clearly we're dealing with a hermaphroditic Kindle here.



Geoffrey said:


> Dear Dr. Jason,
> 
> On Valentine's Day, my partner starts a week on call and will pretty much be stuck at home. At the same time, I'm flying to Jamaica on business for two weeks. Since he can't fly out for the weekend, is my appropriate response to drink enough for the both of us and then pretend I had no fun at all?
> 
> ...


Dear CPINLFtTT,

I think it's touching that you're willing to take the burden of excessive Jamaican boozing from your SO while he's trapped within the confines of your casa, but I really don't think you're doing enough to help him enjoy your experience. With the capabilities of modern smartphones, you can broadcast streaming video of every vodka shot, line dance, limbo game, and scintillating conversation you enjoy during your tropical getaway. Sure, some might say you're rubbing it in because he's stuck watching in your stale, boring living room, but I think deep down he'll appreciate you making the effort to help him share in your adventures second hand. And then you can pretend it wasn't any fun.

Wishing you the best possible conclusion to your quandary,
Dr. Jason Letts III Esq. ABD Ph.D Tom Selleck Chair of Advanced Interpersonal Psychology Emeritus


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## Susan in VA (Apr 3, 2009)

foreverjuly said:


> Clearly we're dealing with a hermaphroditic Kindle here.


Just for fun, I actually wasted ten minutes doing a search for hermaphrodites in literature. I didn't find any that I'd want to name my Kindle after...


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## Sean Sweeney (Apr 17, 2010)

Susan in VA said:


> Besides, how would I even choose between the male and the female voice?


Easy one for me.


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## Guest (Feb 14, 2011)

Susan in VA said:


> Just for fun, I actually wasted ten minutes doing a search for hermaphrodites in literature. I didn't find any that I'd want to name my Kindle after...


Are there any? The only one I've ever heard of was Cartman's Mom from South Park. I think that could be a good name for a Kindle!


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