# THE HORNY GAMES: Casting Call!



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

So,

For those of you who have expressed interest in The Horny Games...it's freakin' happening!









(Thank you smreine for this beautiful cover!)

Please post here if you would like to "formally" submit yourself for participation.

tentative guidelines:

1, an anthology, of
2, erotic comedy, about
3, breakfast foods, with
4, mild to moderate explicitness, possibly favoring horrible food- or cooking-related euphemisms in lieu of the usual details, and
5, no potentially problematic edginess likely to cause problems with retailers (i.e. no incest, et cetera).

We are thinking of getting this out for the week after Valentine's Day...National Pancake Week of 2013.

Please, express your interest/ideas now.

*Timeline/deadlines:*

Oct 15: general topic/title

Nov 1: outline/general synopsis so we have a general idea of what the book will contain and how to organize it

Dec 15: first draft

Jan 15: final draft

Feb 14th-ish: publish this baby!

-Mallory

*Participants:*

*BrentNichols*............Bi-Curious George Goes to I-HOP

*CoraBuhlert*................................Angels on Bareback
Sabrina's boyfriend Aidan is coming home after three months away on an oil platform in the North Sea. In order to celebrate, Sabrina plans to welcome him home with a decadent breakfast of so-called Angels on Horseback, that is oysters wrapped in bacon, and asparagus, wrapped in bacon as well. Of course, Sabrina is also hoping that the rumours are true that oysters and asparagus boost masculine stamina.
The story follows Sabrina, as she prepares her welcome home meal. There are plenty of suggestive descriptions of Sabrina preparing oysters, asparagus and bacon. And when Sabrina gets too hit, she rubs ice from the oyster bucket all over her body.
Aidan finally arrives home. Sabrina and Aidan prepare to demolish the welcome home meal with more suggestive descriptions of eating oysters and asparagus stalks. The stamina boosting powers of both foods are proven, when Aidan and Sabrina decide to continue their celebration all over the flat.

*Coral Moore**

*David Adams*.............................THE BUTTER CHURN

*George Berger*...........................................Title TBD
It's about a guy who visits a small farm town in winter, goes into the local diner, orders what turns out to be a "regional specialty" for breakfast, and barely survives the experience. It may contain one or more snowmobiles, livestock, farmer's daughters, sheriff's deputies, "back door" jokes, "white sauce" jokes, zombie jokes, and/or pie. Oh, and sex, probably.

*GiGi Summers*...............................Better with Bacon
Cherry Cummings, a 'lady who lunches', is finishing up her last semester at The Whip or Flambé School of Culinary Arts. Top student in her class, she has her eyes set on a job as head pastry chef at a five star restaurant. The only thing between her and the career of her dreams is her senior project which she is sure to ace.
To her dismay, the head of the school has decided to change the senior project this year, pairing each highly trained chef with a student from the fry cook program at the technical school across town. Cherry's Partner, Akin Boehner, is a master of all things meat. Will this paring turn out something limp and slimy or something hot sweet and savory?

*humblenations*

*Italiahaircolor*

*Lilith Fox (David Scroggins)*.........50 Shades of Gravy

*Mallory Moutinho*..............Breakfast-in-Bed Sandwich
It's Becky's birthday and her boyfriend, Scott, has an extra-special surprise--breakfast in bed with extra sausage!

*RuthNestvold*............................Breakfast on Tiffany
Tiffany is a home-schooled vegan who joined a coop and is now confronted with her first breakfast in the house -- of eggs and sausages and pancakes. Which all leads to "Breakfast on Tiffany."

*swolf*...........................................Glazing the Donut

*Sybil Nelson*

*T.S. Welti*...............................BILLIONAIRE BRUNCH
A young woman who is also a competitive eater goes to brunch and meets a sexy billionaire who has a fetish for girls with bloated bellies.

*Tentative

*Cheerleaders:*

KateDanley
smreine
elalond
Zelah Meyer
T.L. Haddix


----------



## 31842 (Jan 11, 2011)

A breakfast buffet blood bath to the climax?!?!  I promise to buy a copy!


----------



## Reeve_Thomas (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm imagining the hero working in Waffle House (or iHop) wearing nothing but a hair net. The grease splatter alone could be deadly, but the view is pretty sweet. 

I'll take some hashbrowns, smothered. 

This could get all 50 Shades of Mrs. Butterworth up in here.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

Reeve_Thomas said:


> This could get all 50 Shades of Mrs. Butterworth up in here.


 

Now that's hot!


----------



## Reeve_Thomas (Aug 9, 2012)

smreine said:


> Now that's hot!


So thick. So rich. And just as sweet.

http://www.funnywallphotos.com/if-i-catch-you-with-mrs-butterworth-again/


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

I'd recommend it be an anthology. Each chapter by a different writer would get horrible very fast.


----------



## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

I'm interested.


----------



## Sybil Nelson (Jun 24, 2010)

I love it. I'm in!


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> I'd recommend it be an anthology. Each chapter by a different writer would get horrible very fast.


I don't think "quality literature" is necessarily the goal here.

Are you commenting because we're going to get a Sexy Consuls of the Dying Times story? Because I'd read it.


----------



## elalond (May 11, 2011)

Can I sign in as a cheerleader? I promise I'll bring my own pompoms.


----------



## Satchya (Sep 5, 2012)

His erotic and exciting short-story journeys through the universes of the interested Indie writers of the KB forums in search of the perfect stack of dripping, sweet, sticky, hot pancakes?


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

smreine said:


> I don't think "quality literature" is necessarily the goal here.
> 
> Are you commenting because we're going to get a Sexy Consuls of the Dying Times story? Because I'd read it.


lol I don't know how I could mesh all of the stories together, but there is a romantic interlude between two characters in The War of the Dead that could be hidden deep within a book such as this. Incorporating food, though, could be difficult.

I would probably go a whole different direction with a story for such an anthology. In fact, if anyone can come up with some guidelines, some of us could begin writing the thing. Who's bankrolling this thing, anyway?


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I would consider participating under my erotica name (Yep, I also write erotica. Gotta pay the bills somehow). I would want to know where it's headed, the kind of language that can be used, theme, etc. Fill me in on the details, so I'll know if I can work it in somewhere with my school / writing schedule.

Either way, this sounds awesome! At the very least, I'm so buying a copy.

PS: I think the anthology idea works best.


----------



## Reeve_Thomas (Aug 9, 2012)

Can we get Huge Howey in on this one?


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

BrianKittrell said:


> I'd recommend it be an anthology. Each chapter by a different writer would get horrible very fast.


I'm pretty sure a little bit of horrible is wanted with this LOL.

I've updated the first post with participants and cheerleaders and vote for ideas. Once we brainstorm a bit more for ideas, I will make a formal poll.



BrianKittrell said:


> lol I don't know how I could mesh all of the stories together, but there is a romantic interlude between two characters in The War of the Dead that could be hidden deep within a book such as this. Incorporating food, though, could be difficult.
> 
> I would probably go a whole different direction with a story for such an anthology. In fact, if anyone can come up with some guidelines, some of us could begin writing the thing. Who's bankrolling this thing, anyway?


Bankrolling? Not sure, but do we really need to worry much about funds at this point? For right now, I'm taking point, so to speak...really more of a gatekeeper.


----------



## NoCat (Aug 5, 2010)

I recommend anthology, too! I wanna read it.


----------



## Zelah Meyer (Jun 15, 2011)

I'll wave pom-poms with the cheerleaders.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

Could go perma free with it. That way no money is involved; the readers won't be quite as disappointed since they didn't have to buy it.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> Could go perma free with it. That way no money is involved; the readers won't be quite as disappointed since they didn't have to buy it.


Nice vote of confidence there, Brian. 

Needless to say, I'd be delighted to contribute to this undertaking, in some small way.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

You know what? Screw it. I'm in, if there's room for me. Just let me know what the guidelines are as soon as there are any.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> You know what?* Screw it.* I'm in, if there's room for me. Just let me know what the guidelines are as soon as there are any. I'll be writing under the name Lilith Fox, which is the name my wife and I use for writing erotica.


Now that's the sentiment we're looking for!


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

I shall have to invoke an erotica name for this. Hmmm.....


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

BrianKittrell said:


> I shall have to invoke an erotica name for this. Hmmm.....


Good point! Anyone, who is interested, you can always give a pen-name...like M. Syrup, or Sausage Link, of Fluffy Waffles....hahahahaha

Brian, I may make you a participant against your will...


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

In the absence of other ideas, can I suggest

1, an anthology, of
2, erotic comedy, about
3, breakfast foods, with
4, mild to moderate explicitness, possibly favoring horrible food- or cooking-related euphemisms in lieu of the usual details, and
5, no potentially problematic edginess likely to cause problems with retailers (i.e. no incest, et cetera).

But that's just a suggestion.

When David Adams wakes up, we have to see if he'll contribute some hot butter-churn action...



BrianKittrell said:


> I shall have to invoke an erotica name for this. Hmmm.....


H. Ash Browns
Dirk Coffee
Gus Puppies
Jack Flap
Mel T. Butter
Sy Rupflow
Jimmy Dodger


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> In the absence of other ideas, can I suggest
> 
> 1, an anthology, of
> 2, erotic comedy, about
> ...


I like this a lot actually, I'll put this up top...what are others' thoughts?

What about Bacon Bondage? Is that allowed? LOL


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I just want to warn everyone that I can get pretty "out there" with my erotica. Let's just say that I'm working on a remake of Frankenstein. Instead of a monster, it's someone who's been implanted with a device that's part chainsaw and part, well, you get the idea. 

That's why I'm going to wait to write my submission until I get an idea of what we're doing. I don't want to be all "Grab my pizza slice and show me how to fold it New York style, baby! Oh yea, you know I love hot peppers, electrodes and unicorns!" if that's not appropriate for the project.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> I just want to warn everyone that I can get pretty "out there" with my erotica. Let's just say that I'm working on a remake of Frankenstein. Instead of a monster, it's someone who's been implanted with a device that's part chainsaw and part, well, you get the idea.
> 
> That's why I'm going to wait to write my submission until I get an idea of what we're doing.


I'm pretty sure that's fine...I think the idea is to stay away from things that are "generally" deemed "distasteful" across the board... things that are illegal...incest, underage, non-consensual, etc.

This is supposed to generally be a "funny" take on erotic stories with a breakfast flair!


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

That's certainly understandable. Most of my stuff usually ends up reading like bad 70s porn. I'm all about funny and crazy. I'll start brainstorming while we figure out what this is going to be.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

Haha. A friend just suggested that I write "50 shades of Gravy."


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> Haha. A friend just suggested that I write "50 shades of Gravy."


ROFLCOPTER


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

David Scroggins said:


> That's why I'm going to wait to write my submission until I get an idea of what we're doing. I don't want to be all "Grab my pizza slice and show me how to fold it New York style, baby! Oh yea, you know I love hot peppers, electrodes and unicorns!" if that's not appropriate for the project.


But... pizza isn't a breakfast food.
Well, unless it's cold.
And cold pizza isn't very sexy.
On the other hand, "Miss, my pizza is cold and soggy, can you maybe do something to warm and firm it up a bit?", well...

"Oh God!" she exclaimed, her cry muffled by the pillow. _Screw America's obesity problem_, she thought. _Screw sensible portion control. God bless a country where you can pick up the phone at seven in the morning in the middle of a blizzard and get a steaming hot ten-inch deep-dish piece of slippery satisfaction brought to your door in thirty minutes or less._ It might not have been what the doctor would have ordered, she knew, but _damn_ did that slice of hot love fill her up good...


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

Amazing! Now, that's a story!

Ok, I think I'm sold on 50 Shades of Gravy if we're doing an anthology. That sounds about my speed.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

David Scroggins said:


> Ok, I think I'm sold on 50 Shades of Gravy if we're doing an anthology. That sounds about my speed.


"Please, no," she begged, shaking her head. "Not in the face. Anywhere but the face."
"But, baby," he said, struggling with the cast-iron skillet, "there's a _reason_ it's called red-eye gravy..."

Sorry. That was bad, even for me.


----------



## AshMP (Dec 30, 2009)

Oh my goodness ... I want in!  I'll some slutty, sultry cooking erotica.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

George Berger said:


> "Please, no," she begged, shaking her head. "Not in the face. Anywhere but the face."
> "But, baby," he said, struggling with the cast-iron skillet, "there's a _reason_ it's called red-eye gravy..."
> 
> Sorry. That was bad, even for me.


But oh so enticing!


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> Amazing! Now, that's a story!
> 
> Ok, I think I'm sold on 50 Shades of Gravy if we're doing an anthology. That sounds about my speed.


Alright, I'm putting that title next to your name momentarily.



Italiahaircolor said:


> Oh my goodness ... I want in! I'll some slutty, sultry cooking erotica.


You shall be added!


----------



## Reeve_Thomas (Aug 9, 2012)

I can contribute potential titles  

"Because His Grande Breakfast Burrito Is Mine" By Mrs. Buttoxworth

"Try My Sausage -- It's Good" By Jimmy Dean

"Sunny's Back-Side Up" By Busy McStuffin


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

Reeve_Thomas said:


> "Sunny's Back-Side Up" By Busy McStuffin


OMG this one kills me! HAHAHAHAHAHA


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

Should I be thinking about a certain word count or does it not matter too much?


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> Should I be thinking about a certain word count or does it not matter too much?


Not sure, I was actually thinking about this earlier.

Should we put a 10k cap? or do we even care?


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

It might be a good idea to keep the book at around 500 pages or less. I've noticed that shorter works seem to be more popular on Kindle. Of course, we could just throw caution to the wind and whatever happens happens.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> It might be a good idea to keep the book at around 500 pages or less. I've noticed that shorter works seem to sell better on Kindle. Of course, we could just throw caution to the wind and whatever happens happens.


I think a 10k cap would keep us within that amount. The idea I'm throwing around in my head would probably be 2k-4k, but this can be adjusted. I would just hate to limit someone too much.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

That works for me. Most of my shorts are around 2k - 3k. I usually write my short stories pretty quickly, so whoever deals with putting this thing together can probably expect me to submit mine way before the due date. Also, if too many people drop out towards the end, I can probably come up with multiple submissions.


----------



## That one girl (Apr 12, 2011)

I could put my erotica pen name on this, but you would all be sworn to secrecy, or sausages will fly.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

T.S. Welti said:


> I could put my erotica pen name on this, but you would all be sworn to secrecy, or sausages will fly.


Does EVERYONE on KB have an erotica pen name? 

Answer: Yes. Yes they do.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Good point! Anyone, who is interested, you can always give a pen-name...like M. Syrup, or Sausage Link, of Fluffy Waffles....hahahahaha
> 
> Brian, I may make you a participant against your will...


I like Belgian waffles the mo--oh, you mean to write a story against my will. 



smreine said:


> Does EVERYONE on KB have an erotica pen name?
> 
> Answer: Yes. Yes they do.


It's the only way to make the real money, isn't it?


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

T.S. Welti said:


> I could put my erotica pen name on this, but you would all be sworn to secrecy, or sausages will fly.


*Puts right hand on Kindle*

I do solemnly swear that T.S. Welti's pen name will remain a secret...or may bacon grease ruin all my ereaders.

Mallory Moutinho


----------



## AshMP (Dec 30, 2009)

I don't have an erotic pen name!  Anyone want to help me create one?


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

Italiahaircolor said:


> I don't have an erotic pen name!  Anyone want to help me create one?


I vote for Alotta Fa... um, you know, that's probably not KB friendly, nvm.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

Italiahaircolor said:


> I don't have an erotic pen name! Anyone want to help me create one?


Erotica pen names generally follow a sort of predictable formula, for whatever reason. Here are a few I thought up in the course of a minute or two...

Natasha Bare
Sue Tightly
Penny Candy
Paula Suckleton
Rosie R. Soul


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

Please, no one feel shy...let us know if you are interested...even tentatively!


----------



## CoraBuhlert (Aug 7, 2011)

Oh what the hell? I just had an idea for food based erotica pop into my head, so count me in.


----------



## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

David Scroggins said:


> Haha. A friend just suggested that I write "50 shades of Gravy."


----------



## Coral Moore (Nov 29, 2009)

This sounds hilarious! Put me down as tentative.


----------



## BrentNichols (Mar 18, 2011)

I'm in.  I'll even use my real name.

Better give us a deadline, or all us slackers will just keep... (wait for it...)

waffling.

I'm thinking, "Bi-Curious George Goes To IHOP"


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

BrentNichols said:


> I'm thinking, "Bi-Curious George Goes To IHOP"


Bwahahaha. I just spent two hours in bed with my son watching Curious George ("Dortch," in toddler-speak) on the iPad, and this gave me all kinds of horrible mental images.


----------



## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

I call dibs on the chapter entitled, 'Glazing the Donut.'


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

God bless Fiverr.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

George Berger said:


> God bless Fiverr.


oh god i'm dying


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> God bless Fiverr.


I think I'm crying...O M F G amazing!


----------



## 31842 (Jan 11, 2011)

Are you kidding me?!?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  I have fallen over dead.  This. IS. EEEEPIIIIIC!!!!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

KateDanley said:


> Are you kidding me?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I have fallen over dead. This. IS. EEEEPIIIIIC!!!!


THIS. IS. BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!

_Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the dieters and all the odious apparatus of fitness freaks, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall eat in France, we shall eat on the seas and oceans, we shall eat with growing appetite and growing enthusiasm in the air, we shall defend our portion, whatever the cost may be. We shall eat on the beaches, we shall eat on the landing grounds, we shall eat in the fields and in the streets, we shall eat in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this meal or a large part of it were cancelled or postponed, then the hunger behind our eyes, armed and guarded by forks and knives, would see us through the struggle, until, in God's good time, the brunch, with all its power and might, rolls forth to the rescue and the satiation of our needs._


----------



## AshMP (Dec 30, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## David Adams (Jan 2, 2012)

If it's food based erotica, I AM SO GOING IN WITH THE BUTTER CHURN.

It is on!


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Adams said:


> If it's food based erotica, I AM SO GOING IN WITH THE BUTTER CHURN.
> 
> It is on!


So is this an official notice of participation?


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> So is this an official notice of participation?


He said it in all caps, so it must be true!


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> He said it in all caps, so it must be true!


Alrighty, I'm adding him.


----------



## Zelah Meyer (Jun 15, 2011)

I really LOVE that trailer!


----------



## CraigInOregon (Aug 6, 2010)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> *Participants:*
> 
> T.L. Haddix


 

(Scandalized!)

LOL!


----------



## CraigInOregon (Aug 6, 2010)

David Adams said:


> If it's food based erotica, I AM SO GOING IN WITH THE BUTTER CHURN.
> 
> It is on!


Like Donkey Kong?


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> *Cheerleaders:*
> 
> KateDanley
> smreine
> ...


Guess this means I have to break out the pom poms, huh?


----------



## Reeve_Thomas (Aug 9, 2012)

David Adams said:


> If it's food based erotica, I AM SO GOING IN WITH THE BUTTER CHURN.
> 
> It is on!


Butter Churn = Potter's Wheel = Doing it Ghost Style?

Have to have a little romance in there, David. If it helps, you can imagine the ghost is Hugh Howey, and you can be Demi Moore.  (The stuff of my nightmares.) Hahaha.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

Reeve_Thomas said:


> Butter Churn = Potter's Wheel = Doing it Ghost Style?
> 
> Have to have a little romance in there, David. If it helps, you can imagine the ghost is Hugh Howey, and you can be Demi Moore.  (The stuff of my nightmares.) Hahaha.


I could have lived my entire life without that mental image.


----------



## Reeve_Thomas (Aug 9, 2012)

smreine said:


> I could have lived my entire life without that mental image.


Oh, you know you secretly like it.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

smreine said:


> I could have lived my entire life without that mental image.


Someone posted this recently in another thread, and it's vaguely on-topic here:






That help?


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Someone posted this recently in another thread, and it's vaguely on-topic here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ahhh. Much better.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

smreine said:


> Guess this means I have to break out the pom poms, huh?


If you want we could make an exception for you...we could allow knife-wielding. Swords would be just a little too extreme I think.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

Hmmm deadlines...

Here are my thoughts.

Oct 15: general topic/title

Nov 1: outline/general synopsis so we have a general idea of what the book will contain and how to organize it

Dec 15: first draft

Jan 15: final draft

Feb 14th-ish: publish this baby!


Thoughts?

Also, for length I think aiming for 2-5k would be ideal, but a cap of 10k?


What do you all think?


----------



## AmberC (Mar 28, 2012)

Wow.


----------



## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

Would it be aimed at being a freebie?  (I'm involved in other anthologies that have proven difficult to get price-matched.)

Or would we split the profits?  If so, how would the taxes be handled?

With the anthologies I'm in, the author who publishes the book collects the royalties, deducts for their taxes, and then sends everyone an Amazon gift card for their split of the remainder.

As for the book itself, sounds like we've decided on individual shorts around a central theme.  I'd prefer that to each of us taking a chapter.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

2-5K seems reasonable. With twelve people committed so far, that's 25 - 60,000 words, which is a decent enough length.

Free would be easiest, but getting it price-matched globally could be an issue. Maybe proceeds could be donated somewhere we can all agree on? I'm thinking, given the nature of the book, the, ahem, World Food Programme?  They're tax-deductible in most countries.

If we do something like that, we have to pick a price. Go impulse buy, $0.99? Go big money, $2.99? Go juvenile sense of humor, $1.69?

_--George, read about some great food and some hot sex for a good cause..._


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> 2-5K seems reasonable. With twelve people committed so far, that's 25 - 60,000 words, which is a decent enough length.
> 
> Free would be easiest, but getting it price-matched globally could be an issue. Maybe proceeds could be donated somewhere we can all agree on? I'm thinking, given the nature of the book, the, ahem, World Food Programme?  They're tax-deductible in most countries.
> 
> ...


I really like the World Food Programme idea! And, I think the 1.69 is rather appropriate lol.


----------



## jesrphoto (Aug 7, 2012)

Oh this is something I'd definitely purchase!


----------



## CoraBuhlert (Aug 7, 2011)

I'd like to call my story _Angels on Bareback_, which is a play on this appetizer/snack. It's not a breakfast food, but it's got oysters and sizzling bacon, so I hope that's not a problem.

Besides, I come from a country where breakfast is a rather dull meal, so unless someone is in the mood for _Sexual Relationships in the Age of the Macrobiotic Muesli_, I think we'll all be happier with _Angels on Bareback_.

I like the World Food Program idea BTW.


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

I'll play! Haven't been on Kindleboards recently due to other commitments, but was involved in the *cough* conception. 

Not sure if I'm capable of writing pancake porn, but always happy to take on a challenge!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

As far as I'm concerned, anything with bacon in it is a perfectly fine breakfast food. 

Though I do think trying to make muesli sexy would be a fun challenge. Originally it was supposed to be eaten with orange juice over it, and I suppose you could have some fun with that...

"So, what would you like for breakfast?" she asked, pulling a pair of sweatpants on.
He smiled sheepishly and leaned in close, stubble brushing her cheek, to whisper something in her ear.
"That's DISGUSTING!"
"But it's my birthday..." he said, pleading.
"I don't care what day it is, that's just... sick."
"Fine. If you won't give me what I want, I'll just go out and find someone else who will give me what I want. How do you feel about that, eh?"
"Go right ahead," she said. "you have my blessing. Have it two or three times, if you can. Get it out of your system. I don't care. I just never want to hear about it, understand?"
He nodded, a sly grin on his face, with no earthly idea what he was getting himself in for...


----------



## CoraBuhlert (Aug 7, 2011)

In highschool, we had a bunch of very health and environmentally conscious teachers who had the idea to teach their students proper nutrition. And proper breakfast was muesli and not the store bought kind either, because that had way too much sugar to be nutritious. No, proper breakfast muesli was made from freshly ground whole grain that was soaked in milk until it assumed the approximate taste and texture of vomit, which was just plain disgusting. A teacher actually made us eat that stuff and promptly a bunch of students got sick, because it tasted just so awful. Whereupon the teacher told us that our stomachs no longer knew how to digest his wonderful whole grain muesli, because we had been feeding it processed crap for far too long.

So mueslirotica would involve hairy people in handknit sweaters, whose idea of sinfulness would be adding dried fruit to the muesli. Of course, that might make a funny story.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

CoraBuhlert said:


> In highschool, we had a bunch of very health and environmentally conscious teachers who had the idea to teach their students proper nutrition. And proper breakfast was muesli and not the store bought kind either, because that had way too much sugar to be nutritious. No, proper breakfast muesli was made from freshly ground whole grain that was soaked in milk until it assumed the approximate taste and texture of vomit, which was just plain disgusting. A teacher actually made us eat that stuff and promptly a bunch of students got sick, because it tasted just so awful. Whereupon the teacher told us that our stomachs no longer knew how to digest his wonderful whole grain muesli, because we had been feeding it processed crap for far too long.
> 
> So mueslirotica would involve hairy people in handknit sweaters, whose idea of sinfulness would be adding dried fruit to the muesli. Of course, that might make a funny story.


So, I think this would fall under a "fetish" category. lolololololololololol


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

Somewhere, there's a website for that sort of thing.

Keep that in mind for the horror-themed Halloween sequel, The No-Longer-Hungry Games.


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

Oh please sign me up! I will have to ponder on a concept.  This does bring to mind a spring break many moons ago.  We seriously thought a Tequila Sunrise was a breakfast drink...

Maybe an accounting of a tremendous appetite for a big ol breakfast involving mounds of meat that turned out to be a huge disappointment - involving shrimp?


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

I think I've added everyone who has expressed interest.

I can't wait to see how this turns out! 

Do you all think we should make a cut-off date for wanting to participate or no?


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I'm pretty happy about the charity donation. I'm not in this thing for money. It's all fun for me. I would love for the proceeds to either go towards something that benefits the less fortunate, or abused animals.


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> I'm pretty happy about the charity donation. I'm not in this thing for money. It's all fun for me. I would love for the proceeds to either go towards something that benefits the less fortunate, or abused animals.


I agree!

I think I would like the title "Better with Bacon" unless someone else is using it!


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

Sweet! A fellow Tennessean  

(Awesome title, by the way)


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> Sweet! A fellow Tennessean
> 
> (Awesome title, by the way)


Indeed! Everything is always better with bacon!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

Random story / title ideas I thought of during my bike ride to the farmer's market this morning, for anyone interested:

Breakfast on Tiffany
A Hand-Job For Some Ham, Bob?
Eggs, Benedict?
Two Pasties And Nothing Else
Kip, Kipper, Kippest _(I have no idea, it just sounds funny...)_
Butt Butts, Butty Buddy _(Mm, spanking and sandwiches)_
Good Morning, Woody
No Grits, No Glory _(Also 'No Grits, No Glory Hole', but that'd be a rather different story...)_
Slap, Crackle, and Pop _(Because nothing says good morning like some mild BDSM, right?)_
Breakfast of Champignons
Juan's Bitter, Tre's Shy _(Okay, maybe not breakfast erotica, but I still giggled. I know, I know.. bad George...)_
Things Go Better With Batter
Things To Do in Denver With Fresh Bread
I Can't Believe It's Not Bitter!
Great Suzette
Dork Sausage
A Banana, Smoothly
Bit Her Melons
The Last Lutefisk in Lillehammer
A Maid For Every Seasoning

There were a couple others, but I can't remember them right now. :/


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

tkkenyon said:


> I've heard that the way to come up with your "porn name" is to mash-up the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.
> 
> For me, that doesn't work. "Pooster San Juan" has some scatological and ethnic connotations that would not be present in my erotica.
> 
> ...


That works for me actually...Cuddles Berry...but I thought that was stripper name?



George Berger said:


> Random story / title ideas I thought of during my bike ride to the farmer's market this morning, for anyone interested:
> 
> Breakfast on Tiffany
> A Hand-Job For Some Ham, Bob?
> ...


These are amazing...I'm probably gonna steal one...I'm just not sure which one, yet.


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

tkkenyon said:


> I've heard that the way to come up with your "porn name" is to mash-up the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.
> 
> For me, that doesn't work. "Pooster San Juan" has some scatological and ethnic connotations that would not be present in my erotica.
> 
> I'm a little twisted, but not that kinky.


Oh, that's perfect! That would make me Pearl Midnight. *g* I think I have to run with it!

BTW, what kind of lengths and deadlines are we thinking about here? And is the only real guideline that it be (humorous) breakfast porn? Or are we getting more organized than that?


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

George Berger said:


> Random story / title ideas I thought of during my bike ride to the farmer's market this morning, for anyone interested:
> 
> Breakfast on Tiffany
> A Hand-Job For Some Ham, Bob?
> ...


I've got dibs on "Things Go Better With Batter"!


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Hmmm deadlines...
> 
> Here are my thoughts.
> 
> ...


These were my thoughts, but no one else has commented yet.

Also, we figured about 2-5k length would be ideal

Guidelines were also referenced...basically no limits. Just try to avoid the more 'extreme' spectrums... like nonconsensual, underage, incest, etc.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

Are these stories going to be comedy, parody, true to erotica, or what? I may start on mine today, and I don't want to be completely off base. Lol


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> These were my thoughts, but no one else has commented yet.
> 
> Also, we figured about 2-5k length would be ideal
> 
> Guidelines were also referenced...basically no limits. Just try to avoid the more 'extreme' spectrums... like nonconsensual, underage, incest, etc.


That sounds good, Mallory!


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

BrianKittrell said:


> Are these stories going to be comedy, parody, true to erotica, or what? I may start on mine today, and I don't want to be completely off base. Lol


In short, yes.

The general idea was to let you do what you want...anywhere from an erotic comedy to true erotica with food/breakfast.

Obviously, this whole idea was invented as a joke, so even if you do true erotic, a little humor would be good.

So, do whatever you are most comfortable with. Even if that's just describing your pancakes and sausage with lots of sexual innuendo. (Which happens to be a daily occurrence in this household.)


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> In short, yes.
> 
> The general idea was to let you do what you want...anywhere from an erotic comedy to true erotica with food/breakfast.
> 
> ...


I think I have the perfect idea, then.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> These were my thoughts, but no one else has commented yet.


The deadlines you listed sound perfectly reasonable, to me.


----------



## CraigInOregon (Aug 6, 2010)

As one of your contributors is currently ranked #5 in Top 100 Free on Amazon, perhaps this collection would do better if it were re-titled:

T.L. HADDIX's
The Horny Games

...

Jus' sayin'...


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

CraigInTwinCities said:


> As one of your contributors is currently ranked #5 in Top 100 Free on Amazon, perhaps this collection would do better if it were re-titled:
> 
> T.L. HADDIX's
> The Horny Games
> ...


hahahaha Fate would probably be spiteful and make it your best selling book!


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

Maybe everyone's busy in their writing caves over this, but I've started on my story. 200 words in as of this writing.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

I was reminded of this thread while making dinner last night...


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

Porn Coconuts. When regular coconuts just won't do it.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

I guess porn coconuts are for people who don't feel like buying regular coconuts, and then shaving them themselves...


----------



## That one girl (Apr 12, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> Maybe everyone's busy in their writing caves over this, but I've started on my story. 200 words in as of this writing.


You must post the first sentence, for science.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

T.S. Welti said:


> You must post the first sentence, for science.


FOR SCIENCE.


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

George Berger said:


> I guess porn coconuts are for people who don't feel like buying regular coconuts, and then shaving them themselves...


Oh no! Almost spitting my drink laughing!

This is going to be great. *g*


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

lol The first sentence of mine is "Danielle knew that Mr. Boyce had been hiding a secret from her, but she had discovered the truth."

And, 600 words now.


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

George Berger said:


> I was reminded of this thread while making dinner last night...


This killed me. Wheezing. Can't breathe.


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

Now that I am no longer giggling like Bevis & Butthead, the timeline works for me. 

Porn coconuts...snort...


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

1100 words and... I have to stop for today... I'm afraid someone might look over my shoulder and read a little of the story. I hope I'm not writing this thing too seriously for this collection. lol


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> I was reminded of this thread while making dinner last night...


Am I the only one who finds the Young Sweet Corn almost as funny.



BrianKittrell said:


> 1100 words and... I have to stop for today... I'm afraid someone might look over my shoulder and read a little of the story. I hope I'm not writing this thing too seriously for this collection. lol


I'm sure what you are doing is great! And don't be embarrassed...it's for charity!

Also, I'm going to put the timeline I mentioned as "official" in the first post.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Am I the only one who finds the Young Sweet Corn almost as funny.
> 
> I'm sure what you are doing is great! And don't be embarrassed...it's for charity!
> 
> Also, I'm going to put the timeline I mentioned as "official" in the first post.


I may need to submit this thing to someone in the review part of this gig to see if I should continue once I get to... you know, the _part_.


----------



## That one girl (Apr 12, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> "Danielle knew that Mr. Boyce had been hiding a secret from her, but she had discovered the truth."


The truth about his unshaven coconuts or his hot buttered sweet corn? Don't leave us dangling like... good god.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

T.S. Welti said:


> The truth about his unshaven coconuts or his hot buttered sweet corn? Don't leave us dangling like... good god.


My story is about how a young girl and a cooking network star are brought together by a pound of cherries and a breakfast pastry. It gets... Kinda hot.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> My story is about how a young girl and a cooking network star are brought together by a pound of cherries and a breakfast pastry. It gets... Kinda hot.


Sounds like this story is _en flambé_.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I'm still figuring out how to make "50 shades of gravy" work. I don't know if I want to go full-on dirty erotica with food references, get silly with the food itself, or go with a super twisted "food fetish" kind of deal.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

I don't know if I can handle this story. Everyone else will probably think it sucks, but I'm having a great deal of trouble going to each new line as the tension builds.

Maybe I just have a very healthy imagination..

My science fiction (totally unrelated to this project) is giving me the same feelings and imagery. It's got some sexy parts. All are fade to black right now, but that may not always be the case. If it's anything like this story, it will be very hard to get through those bits. One part of the science fiction is going to be a mixture of erotic tension intermingled with rage and feelings of ultimate betrayal. I am starting to get scared of that book. I usually write YA type stories, and I'm afraid that I may not be the kind of writer who can bring it together. It's an exciting feeling nonetheless; the story feels fresh and new (to me) all the time.

Oh, well. I'll try to get through this one. You know, for the benefit of the readers... yeah, that's the ticket. Endure the agony for the readers. 

1686 words. I hope I can wrap it up within the next 3k.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

BrianKittrell said:


> I don't know if I can handle this story. Everyone else will probably think it sucks, but I'm having a great deal of trouble going to each new line as the tension builds.
> 
> Maybe I just have a very healthy imagination..
> 
> ...


Well, hopefully this will give you some practice for your own stories!

Also, if you need a little more than 5k that's fine...that was a guideline. If your story needs a few more words to complete itself, then use them.

You're getting me all pumped up to start mine. I'm hoping to get going with it next week.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Well, hopefully this will give you some practice for your own stories!
> 
> Also, if you need a little more than 5k that's fine...that was a guideline. If your story needs a few more words to complete itself, then use them.
> 
> You're getting me all pumped up to start mine. I'm hoping to get going with it next week.


Do you know of anywhere I could try this out on a few readers without going too far in the public with it? Somewhere that might offer a little feedback?

I don't think it will go on too much longer. I'm at 2k now, and we're almost to the.... action. 5k should be plenty of room to finish it out.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> Do you know of anywhere I could try this out on a few readers without going too far in the public with it? Somewhere that might offer a little feedback?
> 
> I don't think it will go on too much longer. I'm at 2k now, and we're almost to the.... action. 5k should be plenty of room to finish it out.


This thread has turned me into a mass of giggles, because all I want to do is make remarks about "displaying" your "work" publicly (tee hee) and how 5k is a rather modest length to "finish it out," and... gigglesnort. Sorry. I'll be quiet.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

smreine said:


> This thread has turned me into a mass of giggles, because all I want to do is make remarks about "displaying" your "work" publicly (tee hee) and how 5k is a rather modest length to "finish it out," and... gigglesnort. Sorry. I'll be quiet.


LOL Yes, I tried to ignore the words as soon as I typed them. There are lots of others...

...*it* will be *very hard* to get through those *bits*...

...I hope I can *wrap it up* within the next 3k...

I'm going to stop now. The police are already watching this one closely. lol


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

It's normal to be nervous about your first time, Brian. Everybody feels that way. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone's been there, and understands that. We all have performance anxiety. _Is it too long? Is it not long enough? Is it weird? It's weird, isn't it? Are people going to point and laugh? Will there be giggling? Is it going too fast? Should you really be doing this?_ Just relax. You've got plenty of time, and you know what you're doing, as far as the mechanics are concerned. Now you just have to put theory into practice. Tension is building. Your heart is pounding. Your excitement is... palpable. That's how it should be. It's your first time, it's supposed to be special, you know. Something you'll never forget.

And maybe it'll take a little longer than you expected, or end prematurely, or be a little messy in spots. It's your first shot at this; that's normal. Practice makes perfect, right? Spend some time massaging it into shape, work at polishing it, and I'm fully confident you'll wind up with something quite wonderful to behold, something you can really be proud of.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

George Berger said:


> It's normal to be nervous about your first time, Brian. Everybody feels that way. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone's been there, and understands that. We all have performance anxiety. _Is it too long? Is it not long enough? Is it weird? It's weird, isn't it? Are people going to point and laugh? Will there be giggling? Is it going too fast? Should you really be doing this?_ Just relax. You've got plenty of time, and you know what you're doing, as far as the mechanics are concerned. Now you just have to put theory into practice. Tension is building. Your heart is pounding. Your excitement is... palpable. That's how it should be. It's your first time, it's supposed to be special, you know. Something you'll never forget.
> 
> And maybe it'll take a little longer than you expected, or end prematurely, or be a little messy in spots. It's your first shot at this; that's normal. Practice makes perfect, right? Spend some time massaging it into shape, work at polishing it, and I'm fully confident you'll wind up with something quite wonderful to behold, something you can really be proud of.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

2500 and calling it a day. A little slower than I'm used to, but... well, if I say it's been difficult, George may give me encouragement like the one above and... Ok. It's going well. LOL


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


>


Sorry. It was late at night and I for some reason thought this thread needed some subtle innuendo, y'know?

It could be worse. I _could_ have said something about how I'm receptive to you showing me what you've got in private, and how I'd be happy to examine it, then maybe sit on it for a little while and see if it grows on me before providing helpful feedback, maybe open up a stimulating two-way exchange... but people with dirty minds might have managed to misinterpret such a statement, alas. 

_--George, ho yay..._


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

hahahahahahaha

God, I love this thread.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Sorry. It was late at night and I for some reason thought this thread needed some subtle innuendo, y'know?
> 
> It could be worse. I _could_ have said something about how I'm receptive to you showing me what you've got in private, and how I'd be happy to examine it, then maybe sit on it for a little while and see if it grows on me before providing helpful feedback, maybe open up a stimulating two-way exchange... but people with dirty minds might have managed to misinterpret such a statement, alas.
> 
> _--George, ho yay..._


hehe I'll take you up on that as soon as I'm done. If I finish well before the deadline, I can make the needed revisions.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

Hey everybody,

Just a quick reminder that the first "deadline" is in one week.

Please post if you have a general topic/title figured out.

(I'm just as bad, haven't solidified my idea yet)


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I'm running a little behind because of other deadlines, but I'm still figuring out how to make "50 Shades of Gravy" work in a humorous fashion. I'm an extremely fast writer once I have the basic idea down, though. I'll try to get something ready in a few days.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

David Scroggins said:


> I'm running a little behind because of other deadlines, but I'm still figuring out how to make "50 Shades of Gravy" work in a humorous fashion. I'm an extremely fast writer once I have the basic idea down, though. I'll try to get something ready in a few days.


No worries. You're already way ahead with a title!


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

Woot!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

Entertaining stats from Youtube about the silly trailer video thingy:








'D' in particular made me laugh.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

T.L. Haddix said:


> I'm going to have to bow out - I honestly have no fricking idea what to write.


More glory unto memy pen name!!!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

T.L. Haddix said:


> I'm going to have to bow out - I honestly have no fricking idea what to write.


Nooooo! There goes our one and only marketing gimmick!


----------



## PJJones (Apr 5, 2011)

This looks HILARIOUS! I will certainly buy a copy when it comes out.


----------



## PJJones (Apr 5, 2011)

And NOW I want pancakes!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

PJJones said:


> And NOW I want pancakes!


...and seeing you posting here again makes me want a fish taco.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

T.L. Haddix said:


> I'm going to have to bow out - I honestly have no fricking idea what to write.


Part of me wants to do the same, and another part of me is a bit too embarrassed to write "adult-ish" material that people actually know comes from me. The other part of me (the twisted comedian) wants to keep going. We'll see what this weekend brings!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

For what it's worth, I have what I think is a good idea, and have a good start on the outline. No title yet, though.

It's about a guy who visits a small farm town in winter, goes into the local diner, orders what turns out to be a "regional specialty" for breakfast, and barely survives the experience. It may contain one or more snowmobiles, livestock, farmer's daughters, sheriff's deputies, "back door" jokes, "white sauce" jokes, zombie jokes, and/or pie. Oh, and sex, probably.


----------



## PJJones (Apr 5, 2011)

George Berger said:


> ...and seeing you posting here again makes me want a fish taco.


Bwahaha, George. Every time I sacrifice a goat to the alter of the Almighty Zon, I think of you as well.


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

I've started brainstorming my story, and I think I want to change the title to Breakfast on Tiffany, since there's already a "Better With" title.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Hey everybody,
> 
> Just a quick reminder that the first "deadline" is in one week.
> 
> Please post if you have a general topic/title figured out.


Bumped, as one week is now, or will be, in a day, depending on your time zone.


----------



## That one girl (Apr 12, 2011)

So we're supposed to come up with a concept and title by tomorrow? I'm so stumped on what to write for this. Does anyone have any ideas they'd like to toss my way?


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Bumped, as one week is now, or will be, in a day, depending on your time zone.


I'm almost done with mine. Should be ready to submit maybe in a half hour or so. Can you PM me an email address?


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

T.S. Welti said:


> So we're supposed to come up with a concept and title by tomorrow? I'm so stumped on what to write for this. Does anyone have any ideas they'd like to toss my way?


Rock star who has called for a hooker gets breakfast mis-delivered by a cutie from room service. Hotness ensues.
The organic pork farmer and the daughter of the honey merchant trade innuendo-laden flirtations throughout the farmer's market, decide to go somewhere for lunch, and hotness ensues.
A shy middle-aged businessman spends Thanksgiving going from family restaurant to family restaurant, ordering turkey dinner after turkey dinner, as "I like the breast" is his idea of a good pickup line.
The campus chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster holds a charity event to see who can hold two meatballs in their mouth the longest. Strangely, no food seems to be involved, but there may be a sauce, of sorts...
A sorority holds a bake sale, and nobody shows up. A naked food fight ensues.
A woman applies to work at a sports bar; the bartender offers to show her a few of his specialties, including slippery nipples... _and_ various types of mixed drinks.
"So, like, my editor said I should totally try to find the best sausage on the north side. Can you, like, help?"
"What will it take for you to try my spotted dick, ma'am?"
(Also, possibly just as bad, "What will it take to get you to bring my delicious spotted dick home with you, miss?")
"Honey, I'm sorry to call you at work, but there's been a bit of an accident, and I'm locked out of the house with nothing on but two waffles. Help?"
"Waiter, why does the menu say the 'bacon surprise' is limit one per customer, and only available when Kandi doesn't have a headache?"
"Good morning, miss. My name is Bruce, and I'm a door-to-door produce salesman. Do you have a moment to take a look at my peas?"
A naive Frank Zappa fan goes into a full-service bakery looking for "a cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf", and they strive valiantly to provide.
For eighteen years, Kandi was a sheltered, home-schooled vegetarian. Eager not to stick out on her first day at college, she orders a hot-dog in the cafeteria, and proceeds to eat it, following the instructions she's seen in a dozen Internet videos...
On their first date together, Debbie takes Sam to an ice-cream parlor, and they split a large sundae. Debbie didn't know Sam had lactose intolerance - or a desire to be nursed, in times of distress, by an older lady...
Mo is frosting cupcakes in a stall at a street fair. Jim keeps staring at her, blushing. Not realizing that when she leans over, he can see down her blouse, she assumes he has a frosting fetish, and decides to try something new and freaky on her break.

Yeah, on second thought, I got nothin'.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> Rock star who has called for a hooker gets breakfast mis-delivered by a cutie from room service. Hotness ensues.
> The organic pork farmer and the daughter of the honey merchant trade innuendo-laden flirtations throughout the farmer's market, decide to go somewhere for lunch, and hotness ensues.
> A shy middle-aged businessman spends Thanksgiving going from family restaurant to family restaurant, ordering turkey dinner after turkey dinner, as "I like the breast" is his idea of a good pickup line.
> The campus chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster holds a charity event to see who can hold two meatballs in their mouth the longest. Strangely, no food seems to be involved, but there may be a sauce, of sorts...
> ...


These are all hilarious...but OMG I almost died when I saw the bolded one.

I swear George...if I ever find out where you live I'm going to temporarily stalk you because you seem like one of the most interesting people I have ever had the pleasure with which to interact.

On the progress of my own funny food erotica...still undecided. I will have it locked down after I get back from work today.


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

Just call me lost tonight.  Actually it is morning now. Are we supposed to post our general outline here? I thought I saw something about emailing it.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

I don't know that Mallory has posted an email address, so posting here works, I guess. It's what I did.

If anyone is interested, I've setup a mailing list for this project, largely for the lulz. Send an email to _[email protected]_ if you'd like to join. I don't know that anything will ever get posted, or that it'll serve any useful purpose, but it's there.

_--George, 'mendacities' at Google's ubiquitous five-letter email domain..._


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

Ah, well. Mine may be too serious for this compilation, but I've sent it off to Mallory. Some humor, but it's not a comedy, not by far.

What a load off....... okay, I'm going to bed now. LOL


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> Ah, well. Mine may be too serious for this compilation, but I've sent it off to Mallory. Some humor, but it's not a comedy, not by far.


Well, it's like they say, humor is in the eye of the beholder, no? 

_--George, and in the land of the bound, the one-eyed trouser snake is... no, that's not how that goes..._


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

My email is [email protected]

You can post stuff here if you want, but I figured I would at least post title/synopsis for those curious parties out there.


----------



## That one girl (Apr 12, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Rock star who has called for a hooker gets breakfast mis-delivered by a cutie from room service. Hotness ensues.
> The organic pork farmer and the daughter of the honey merchant trade innuendo-laden flirtations throughout the farmer's market, decide to go somewhere for lunch, and hotness ensues.
> A shy middle-aged businessman spends Thanksgiving going from family restaurant to family restaurant, ordering turkey dinner after turkey dinner, as "I like the breast" is his idea of a good pickup line.
> The campus chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster holds a charity event to see who can hold two meatballs in their mouth the longest. Strangely, no food seems to be involved, but there may be a sauce, of sorts...
> ...


You are a master at this. I like the meatball contest.


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

George Berger said:


> Rock star who has called for a hooker gets breakfast mis-delivered by a cutie from room service. Hotness ensues.
> The organic pork farmer and the daughter of the honey merchant trade innuendo-laden flirtations throughout the farmer's market, decide to go somewhere for lunch, and hotness ensues.
> A shy middle-aged businessman spends Thanksgiving going from family restaurant to family restaurant, ordering turkey dinner after turkey dinner, as "I like the breast" is his idea of a good pickup line.
> The campus chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster holds a charity event to see who can hold two meatballs in their mouth the longest. Strangely, no food seems to be involved, but there may be a sauce, of sorts...
> ...


Oh, those are all so much better than what my brainstorming produced! Obviously, your brain is much better at this than mine is, George. 

I think I'll steal one, but I just haven't decided which. I'll leave the meatballs for T.S. Welti. *g*


----------



## RuthNestvold (Jan 4, 2012)

Ok, I'm stealing the freshman at college. Tiffany is a home-schooled vegan who joined a coop and is now confronted with her first breakfast in the house -- of eggs and sausages and pancakes. Which all leads to "Breakfast on Tiffany." 

And now off to play with some food metaphors ...


----------



## CoraBuhlert (Aug 7, 2011)

_Angels on Bareback_

Sabrina's boyfriend Aidan is coming home after three months away on an oil platform in the North Sea. In order to celebrate, Sabrina plans to welcome him home with a decadent breakfast of so-called Angels on Horseback, that is oysters wrapped in bacon, and asparagus, wrapped in bacon as well. Of course, Sabrina is also hoping that the rumours are true that oysters and asparagus boost masculine stamina.
The story follows Sabrina, as she prepares her welcome home meal. There are plenty of suggestive descriptions of Sabrina preparing oysters, asparagus and bacon. And when Sabrina gets too hit, she rubs ice from the oyster bucket all over her body.
Aidan finally arrives home. Sabrina and Aidan prepare to demolish the welcome home meal with more suggestive descriptions of eating oysters and asparagus stalks. The stamina boosting powers of both foods are proven, when Aidan and Sabrina decide to continue their celebration all over the flat.

And as a bonus, because I actually had an idea for a story:

_Sexual and Interpersonal Relationships in the Times of the Macrobiotic Müsli _

West Germany in 1982. Katrin and Hans-Dieter are both involved in the countercultural protest movement of the time and meet during a demonstration against the Brokdorf nuclear power station, while fleeing police truncheons, teargas and water cannons. They both attend all the big demonstrations of the time and find that they are attracted to each other. So they negotiate where to take their relationship in lengthy discussions as was common in those days, summed up for the benefit of the reader of course. After all, the personal is political and they don't want to become trapped in the sort of bourgeois married life their parents used to live (though Katrin wouldn't actually mind a bourgeois married life all that much). 
One night, when Hans-Dieter's flatmates are at a panel discussion about the neutron bomb and later get arrested for a spontaneous demonstration at the gates of a US Army monitoring station where almost certainly no neutron bombs or nukes are stationed, Hans-Dieter and Katrin take their discussions to the practical level. They try several sexual positions, because the missionary position is kind of demeaning to women and woman on top is not exactly conductive to gender equality either. There are loving descriptions of Hans-Dieter and Katrin taking off the parkas, handknit Norwegian sweater and jeans that were pretty much the uniform of the countercultural movement of the time. The sex is described with bad metaphors about nuclear war ("Ram your Pershing II into my missile silo"), atomic power and other political causes of the time. 
And then in the morning, Hans-Dieter decides to show his sensitive side by preparing his favourite macrobiotic müsli for Katrin with freshly ground and soaked corn. Katrin is very pleased by this display of male sensitivity, though she wonders whether they cannot be sinful for once and add dried fruit to the müsli. So they do and things begin to escalate once again&#8230;


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

Here's what I have. Expect lots of innuendo like “I am going to pick your pig clean."

Better with Bacon

Cherry Cummings, a ‘lady who lunches’, is finishing up her last semester at The Whip or Flambé School of Culinary Arts.  Top student in her class, she has her eyes set on a job as head pastry chef at a five star restaurant.  The only thing between her and the career of her dreams is her senior project which she is sure to ace.

To her dismay, the head of the school has decided to change the senior project this year, pairing each highly trained chef with a student from the fry cook program at the technical school across town. Cherry’s Partner, Akin Boehner, is a master of all things meat.  Will this paring turn out something limp and slimy or something hot sweet and savory?


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

David Adams said:


> "My true calling is farming implement erotica."


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

CoraBuhlert said:


> _Angels on Bareback_
> 
> Sabrina's boyfriend Aidan is coming home after three months away on an oil platform in the North Sea. In order to celebrate, Sabrina plans to welcome him home with a decadent breakfast of so-called Angels on Horseback, that is oysters wrapped in bacon, and asparagus, wrapped in bacon as well. Of course, Sabrina is also hoping that the rumours are true that oysters and asparagus boost masculine stamina.
> The story follows Sabrina, as she prepares her welcome home meal. There are plenty of suggestive descriptions of Sabrina preparing oysters, asparagus and bacon. And when Sabrina gets too hit, she rubs ice from the oyster bucket all over her body.
> ...


These actually intrigue me a lot. Granted, I'm worried about my interest in the second. My mother and father were stationed in West Germany (my sister was born there in 1982) and my father was intimately familiar with the Pershing II missiles. Somehow, it just feels wrong lol.

For my own title:

Breakfast-in-bed Sandwich

It's Becky's birthday and her boyfriend, Scott, has an extra-special surprise--breakfast in bed with extra sausage!

This will be a lovely little threesome with some hopefully hilarious breakfast food innuendos. I'm still hashing out all my ideas, so that one poor sentence is all I have for now. (I briefly contemplated Breakfast Manwich...but that implies the wrong kind of food lol)

BTW, I just noticed I said "hashing" ::

Also, I'm looking into the best way to set the whole financial and publishing stuff. I'll post when I have a more concrete idea. Or, if anyone has done anything like this before...please advise!

Alright, if this post is a little off I'm sorry...took a pain pill for my back and my head feels fuzzy lol.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

Also, Brian gets the overachiever award for putting us all to shame since he has already completed his piece.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Also, Brian gets the overachiever award for putting us all to shame since he has already completed his piece.


hehe I had to get it done quick. I have an editing deadline in January, a book release before the end of October, another book to edit before the end of October, another book to finish writing and edit before the end of November, and about six formatting jobs (so far) in October to finish.

I hope the story doesn't make you shake your head in disappointment too much. Erotica is totally new ground for me.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> I hope the story doesn't make you shake your head in disappointment too much. Erotica is totally new ground for me.


Brian, you wrote a dirty story and had the courage to e-mail it to a woman.  You are now the envy of _millions_ of lonely nerds the world over...


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

George Berger said:


> Brian, you wrote a dirty story and had the courage to e-mail it to a woman.  You are now the envy of _millions_ of lonely nerds the world over...


OMG..when you put it that way...HAHAHAHAHA

Even funnier when you consider how my conversation with my husband went last night. When he asked if I was coming to bed, I said no b/c I wanted to read Brian's story. HAHAHAHAHA awesome!


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I was sitting around trying to figure out what I would come up with for this story, and an idea hit me. What if I wrote an erotica piece about a woman who is obsessed with gravy? She posts an advertisement on a classifieds page for a casual meeting with a young gentleman, who becomes quite put off (though somewhat aroused) by the fact that she uses different names for gravy in place of "sexy / dirty words" in the sack. Will the young gentleman caller run for the hills, or will he too become obsessed with "50 Shades of Gravy?"

Just an idea.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Brian, you wrote a dirty story and had the courage to e-mail it to a woman.  You are now the envy of _millions_ of lonely nerds the world over...


LOL



MalloryMoutinho said:


> OMG..when you put it that way...HAHAHAHAHA
> 
> Even funnier when you consider how my conversation with my husband went last night. When he asked if I was coming to bed, I said no b/c I wanted to read Brian's story. HAHAHAHAHA awesome!


Oh, my. We aim to please, and I hope it satisfied. LOL



T.L. Haddix said:


> *snicker, snort* TMI, dude, TMI.


----------



## CoraBuhlert (Aug 7, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> These actually intrigue me a lot. Granted, I'm worried about my interest in the second. My mother and father were stationed in West Germany (my sister was born there in 1982) and my father was intimately familiar with the Pershing II missiles. Somehow, it just feels wrong lol.


Just wait until the very phallic homemade papermaché missile to be carried around during protests falls onto the bed, while Hans-Dieter and Katrin are at it.

I guess then your Dad was somewhat familiar with the likes of Hans-Dieter and Katrin and their fellow protesters as well, cause there sure were a lot of protests around the time.

Where in Germany was your family stationed BTW?


----------



## That one girl (Apr 12, 2011)

Okay, I'm turning in my concept because if I don't I'll keep changing it.

BILLIONAIRE BRUNCH (Yes, I'm capitalizing on the billionaire trend. And, yes, it's going to be dirty, humorous, and brunch-y.)

A young woman who is also a competitive eater goes to brunch and meets a sexy billionaire who has a fetish for girls with bloated bellies.


----------



## GiGi Summers (Jul 31, 2012)

T.S. Welti said:


> Okay, I'm turning in my concept because if I don't I'll keep changing it.
> 
> BILLIONAIRE BRUNCH (Yes, I'm capitalizing on the billionaire trend. And, yes, it's going to be dirty, humorous, and brunch-y.)
> 
> A young woman who is also a competitive eater goes to brunch and meets a sexy billionaire who has a fetish for girls with bloated bellies.


I have been looking for this man my entire life!


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

After a marathon session on the couch with pen, paper, and cat, I've got the five-page detailed outline done; hopefully I'll have the first draft done by Sunday.

Always fun when you can work dirty jokes _and_ mythological references into the same piece of fiction, isn't it?

It'll be more humorous than erotic, but there's a waitress, a shepherdess, a _literal_ roll in the hay, gratuitous full frontal nudity, a snowmobile, early-morning drinking, a highly immodest O a _whole town_ can hear... and a sandwich. Among other things.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

CoraBuhlert said:


> Just wait until the very phallic homemade papermaché missile to be carried around during protests falls onto the bed, while Hans-Dieter and Katrin are at it.
> 
> I guess then your Dad was somewhat familiar with the likes of Hans-Dieter and Katrin and their fellow protesters as well, cause there sure were a lot of protests around the time.
> 
> Where in Germany was your family stationed BTW?


Sorry, I took so long to reply...my mother was stationed in Augsburg, and my father somewhere very close to there. He's still won't tell me exactly where.



GiGi Summers said:


> I have been looking for this man my entire life!


ditto



George Berger said:


> After a marathon session on the couch with pen, paper, and cat, I've got the five-page detailed outline done; hopefully I'll have the first draft done by Sunday.
> 
> Always fun when you can work dirty jokes _and_ mythological references into the same piece of fiction, isn't it?
> 
> It'll be more humorous than erotic, but there's a waitress, a shepherdess, a _literal_ roll in the hay, gratuitous full frontal nudity, a snowmobile, early-morning drinking, a highly immodest O a _whole town_ can hear... and a sandwich. Among other things.


I won't be impressed without mythological dirty jokes!


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

Just as an aside, please don't put the collection in Select. I will probably publish my short separately, and I would hate to be the cause of such food-loving literature to be threatened with the frowny face of Amazon.


----------



## MalloryMoutinho (Aug 24, 2012)

BrianKittrell said:


> Just as an aside, please don't put the collection in Select. I will probably publish my short separately, and I would hate to be the cause of such food-loving literature to be threatened with the frowny face of Amazon.


Select had never even occurred to me.

Is everyone else okay with this? I personally don't like the idea of limiting anyone to one venue.


----------



## Al Dente (Sep 3, 2012)

I honestly never thought about also publishing the story myself, but that's not a bad idea if no one cares. I was due to write some smut tomorrow, so if I can also publish it myself, I could probably hammer out 50 Shades of Gravy tomorrow.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

I'm opposed to Select, for something like this. It deserves as wide an audience as possible. 

Also, I love how Brian has gone from "omg this story is utter crap I have failed you all" to "I'm proud enough of this I wanna publish it on its own" in the matter of a few days.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

George Berger said:


> I'm opposed to Select, for something like this. It deserves as wide an audience as possible.
> 
> Also, I love how Brian has gone from "omg this story is utter crap I have failed you all" to "I'm proud enough of this I wanna publish it on its own" in the matter of a few days.


"Good" and "Someone might spend a shilling on it" are two totally different things. Lol. I'm one of the worst critics of my own work, really.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> I'm one of the worst critics of my own work, really.


Likewise. I think that's normal, though. Every time I see a writer talking about how awesome their latest whatever is, I start to worry, you know?

Not that I'm one to talk, having published more than my share of metaphorical cow pies, after all. 

_--George, but I maintain the moral high-ground by warning would-be readers, right in the blurbs, that they're crap, right?_


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Likewise. I think that's normal, though. Every time I see a writer talking about how awesome their latest whatever is, I start to worry, you know?
> 
> Not that I'm one to talk, having published more than my share of metaphorical cow pies, after all.
> 
> _--George, but I maintain the moral high-ground by warning would-be readers, right in the blurbs, that they're crap, right?_


Yeah, I know what you mean. I can say that I love my books, but I'm not in much of a position to tell anyone else if they'll love them or not. Lots do, lots don't, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

As for moral high ground, I leave that to priests and politicians.

_--Brian, glad that samples exist_


----------



## CoraBuhlert (Aug 7, 2011)

MalloryMoutinho said:


> Sorry, I took so long to reply...my mother was stationed in Augsburg, and my father somewhere very close to there. He's still won't tell me exactly where.


That's almost on the other side of the country then, since I'm in North Germany.

I totally agree with not putting the collection in Select BTW.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

George Berger said:


> Every time I see a writer talking about how awesome their latest whatever is, I start to worry, you know?[/i]





BrianKittrell said:


> I'm one of the worst critics of my own work, really.


I am, too. But I have resolved to stop doing it. There are plenty of people out there eager to give me poor reviews--which is their right to do, as everyone is entitled to their opinion. _For now_. Until I'm king of the world. Anyhoo, I don't need to rag on my stuff too. I'll leave that to other folks.

The only person whose reaction I can guarantee is mine. So in my ongoing quest to only worry about the things that I can control, I have now decided that I think everything I write is pure awesomesauce, not from concentrate.

I have to be the #1 advocate of my work. Nobody else will do that for me. Well... maybe my husband. But he was delusional enough to marry me, so don't listen to him.

tl;dr Just so you guys know, I am totes an amazing writer, with a lot of amazing books, and sword fights and explosions and general angst and it is awesome.


----------



## BrianKittrell (Jan 8, 2011)

I know what you mean, but it would be difficult for me to speak praises about myself or my writing beyond a reasonable extent. Yes, I love the stories, but I'm hardly qualified to tell others whether they'll love them or not.


----------



## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

BrianKittrell said:


> I know what you mean, but it would be difficult for me to speak praises about myself or my writing beyond a reasonable extent. Yes, I love the stories, but I'm hardly qualified to tell others whether they'll love them or not.


What about qualifying it like, "If you like books that are AWESOME, you will like my books too"?

Kidding.

Probably.


----------



## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

smreine said:


> What about qualifying it like, "If you like books that are AWESOME, you will like my books too"?
> 
> Kidding.
> 
> Probably.


I've had a surprising amount of luck telling people *my books suck*, right there in the blurbs. I posit that the fact people still buy them, despite this, suggests either that some readers simply don't look at blurbs, or that people have become so jaded and cynical about what goes into a blurb that they just ignore everything that isn't overtly plot-related. The book Krista endorsed with "I'd rather stab myself in the face than read another page of this book" and whose blurb includes "...is a poorly-written and unsatisfying 5,400-word short story quite likely to disappoint you" is my third-best-selling book, of the eleven I've published so far. It'd be the second-best-selling title had my thriller not had a good Select promo in January, or had the goat novella not been promoted as it has.

Or maybe several score people have just accidentally clicked the buy button and not noticed until after the return period was up.


----------

