# Call Me Ishmael



## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

The universe is not what we think. It is only one of a vast array of dimensions, each one created whenever a sentient being in any dimension makes a choice. Our universe was split in 1803, when Ohio's petition for statehood was overlooked by a daydreaming congress. The separate dimensions co-existed until 1953, when President Dwight Eisenhower signed a retro-active decree granting Ohio statehood, effective 150 years earlier. Since then, the dimensions have been grinding together, and the situation is terminal.

There is one person who can save all the worlds in the multiverse from the impending implosion. Call him Ishmael.

Ishmael is thrust into the struggle to preserve the multiverse. A bizarre fellowship assembles around him, but does he have what it takes to save trillions of worlds, solve the mystery of his missing father, find love, and discover the perfect boat, all in 48 hours?

What's the worst that can happen?

Fast paced, funny, and entertaining...at least, that's what my wife said. And I think she was talking about the book. 
*
If these critics existed, this is what they might say:
*
"...shows a complete lack of understanding of quantum physics and string theory..." North American Institute of Physicists and Theorists.

"...we are...not amused." Her Imperial Majesty, Queen Victoria

"Seems calculated to undermine public trust in the fairness and constitutionality of the federal tax code." IRS Home-Oriented Compliance Task Force

"Sweet mother of all conspiracy theories!!!" Name withheld

"...paints an inaccurate portrait of school bus drivers." School Bus Driver Anti-defamation League

"It is clear the author has never seen, much less held, a steam-powered style flamethrower. They are much cooler." Center for Scientific Accuracy in SteamPunk Fiction

"There is an 11.1% chance that the author has indeed discovered the last digit in pi..." Society for Rounding Numbers to Rational Numbers of Integers

"Where are the sparkly vampires?" www. facebook.com/everybookneedssparklyvampires

Call Me Ishmael


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## Ann in Arlington (Oct 27, 2008)

Welcome to KindleBoards, Erick, and congratulations on your book.

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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Updating the post.  I did not put the book's title in the subject line...hmmm.  Bright, I am.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Sci-fi! (sort of) 
Fantasy! (in a way)
The end of the world! (NOOO!)
Romance! (ahh, l'amor)

*Together for the first time!**

*Well, for me anyway...


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"&#8230;this book&#8230;should be required reading in every high school history, physics, economics, civics, and shop class in America. Maybe the world." American Association of Required Textbook Content Determiners

How long until this group steps out of the shadows? 

*Call Me Ishmael.* The book that dares to dare.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

The Day of Bumping has dawned...bright, clear, and snow-filled.  A howling, honking Arctic wind swirls outside the door, bringing the wail of wolves and the inevitable, sparkly vampires...


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Another review in! 

"...it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."  William Shakespeare

Seems a bit harsh to me.  I've liked most of his stuff.


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## MarkPaulJacobs (Jan 21, 2011)

This one sounds like so much fun!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

You are wise and astute!  CALL ME ISHMAEL is the most fun one can have without involving pudding or other flax-based fabrics.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Another week, another review, another bump:

"Without promotion something terrible happens... Nothing!" PT Barnum

So come now, and spend your hard-earned pennies, wrested from the uncaring world, for a 99 cent escape! 
THE WONDER OF THE AGE
CALL ME ISHMAEL

Yes, you will WONDER:
Why did he write this? Why didn't I buy it sooner? Why do giant apes ALWAYS go after the blond girl? Did I file my taxes in a timely manner?
Just click below!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Another review is in!

"It is extraordinary that the author has so exactly described the communal life of inhabitants of what can only be planet Gliese 581 g, despite the planet itself being purely theoretic. An astounding leap of cognition!" Institute of Exosolar Planetary Life Assessment


This sort of gush
Makes me blush.

*Call Me Ishmael*


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Now with an actual review, written by a real, live, breathing person!

           

***TRUMPET FANFARE***
(please provide your own)

This review is so awesome we will not quote it here. Click the link below to read it in its entirety, and you'll be one click closer to taking the plunge into that deep and entertaining pool of wonder, CALL ME ISHMAEL.

http://www.amazon.com/Call-Me-Ishmael-ebook/dp/B0048ELM5Q

Available free to all military members at http://www.operationebookdrop.com or directly at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869 with coupon XW52N. _Thank you for your service!_


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

This just in from Charlie Sheen...

"There's nobility in it...there's focus. It's genuine. It's crystal and it's pure and it's available to everybody, so just shut your traps and put down your McDonalds, your vaccines, your Us Weekly, your TMZ and the rest of it."

What was he talking about?  The super-hyperbolic powers of his pure mind undoubtedly allowed him to read CALL ME ISHMAEL without downloading it.  Unless you can do the same, click below:


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

You've been waiting for it!  Maybe even losing sleep over it...

And now...your wait is OVER! 

CALL ME ISHMAEL is FREE until March 12 at smashwords.com.

"What?" you say. Yes, you heard that right! FREE until March 12!
How can this be? Well, I guess there's some kind of promotion or something going on...read an ebook, eat an egg week, or some such. But if this recession has hit you hard...now is the time to save 99 cents and grab the _only _book that no-way-can-live-up-to-this-hype! Act now, before they're all gone..... 

Click the link to go straight to this once-in-a-specified-time-period promotion: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869


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## Jorean (Jul 31, 2010)

Sounds like fun. I will have to pick it up.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Thank you, Jorean!    Remember to use your good lifting skills; hunker down and use your legs; don't bend over at the waist!!!  I'd hate to be responsible for an injury of some sort....


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

St Patrick's Day is here! She-who-must-be-obeyed is Irish, so it is a day of celebration! 
Come, come, lads and lasses, and enjoy a fine bit o'reading with the wondrous CALL ME O'ISHMAEL.

"If snakes could write like this, I'd 'av let 'em stay. I would 'av." _St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland and of little-read ebooks._

Click below!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Of the hundreds of reviews considered for posting this week, this one touched my heart the most:    

"...the continual portrayal of large ape-like creatures as being obsessed with blonde humans is an outrage, a blight on humanity..."  F. Wray, President Emeritus, Giant Simian Anti-Defamation League, 350 Fifth Avenue, New York,

Why the fuss?  Do they think CALL ME ISHMAEL can undo what decades of King Kong mentality has bred into the minds of Americans around the galaxy?  Forbid it!  And buy CALL ME ISHMAEL.  The truth is inside!


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## Dana Taylor (Jan 8, 2010)

Okay Erick,

If your book is as entertaining as this never-say-die thread, I'm gonna love it.  And I'm a sucker for quantum physics and string theory, even though I never "get it."  I opened this thread because I loved the book "Ishmael" with the brilliant gorilla who gives man a paradigm shift. Are you familiar with it?

Anyway, making a note: download "Call Me Ishmael."  Also, "Ishmael" was my father's name. 

Dana Taylor


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Thank you, Dana!

Feel free to print the following out, and paste it the back of your Kindle:

_To Dana, who believed in me. Best, Erick_ 

Writing Ishmael was an incredible amount of fun, and revising it an incredible amount of work! I hope you find something in it to enjoy...truthfully, there's so much stuff in there, something _has_ to appeal. 

CALL ME ISHMAEL...the book with so much to offer, closing the cover may require the assistance of the people down the hall. You know, the ones who grind their coffee at three in the morning.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Another milestone met, climbed upon, and danced atop! Yes, CALL ME ISHMAEL, the only book that delivers Finnie, the most dangerous woman in the world,  directly to your very own Kindle, has received another review!

It comes to us by way of Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of the French Republic. It's in French, but I will translate for my readers. Yes, I am kind that way. And my parents thought two years of high school French were wasted! 

_"Le book, CALL ME ISHMAEL, is le most magnificent work d'art I have seen with these eyes-of-mine, the which-I-see-with. Except, c'est of course, my wife, Carla Bruni."_ Nicolas Sarkozy, President of the French Republic.

Unless you consider yourself likely to run into Carla Bruni, pick up the next-best-thing: CALL ME ISHMAEL.         

And since I'll be spending some time in warmer climes, CALL ME ISHMAEL is free through April 15th, at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869, with this coupon code: XL85C. Yes, that's right...free through Satan's the IRS's birthday.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Whew! Back home at last. Let me tell you, Florida is NICE in April. Reviews and comments have piled up; but since Geoffrey Chaucer was good enough to pop in, in a spiritual sense, I've chosen his comment:

"if there be anything that displeases them, I pray
them, also, that they impute it to the fault of my ignorance and not
to my intention, which would fain have better said if I had had
knowledge."

And there you have "*Call Me Ishmael*" as well. If I could have done better, don't you think I would have?
Buy it today for just 99 cents...less than a quart of gasoline, or a cup of coffee. Or you could vaccinate or feed a child overseas. Or rent a movie. Okay, okay, there are better options, maybe. I concede the point!  But remember, every time you don't buy "*CALL ME ISHMAEL*," you make a kitten very, very sad. So sad that it may even cry.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"The description of the eating habits of the Swarm is precisely the sort of claptrap that offends us. There is no evidence that alien beings routinely consume human beings..." _Society for the Positive Portrayal of Beings from Other Dimensions and/or Worlds_

I'll tell you, nothing but a menu from an alien restaurant listing people as an entree, and describing them as "tentacle-lickin' good!" would satisfy these people. Sheez.


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## SongbirdVB (Nov 18, 2008)

If the sample makes me laugh as much as this thread did... I'll be back!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Thank you!  I hope you laugh until you're just silly.    

Your avatar is awesome, by the way.  

Best,
Erick


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

The new cover of CALL ME ISHMAEL has been reviewed!   

"&#8230;looks as though it were done by a third-grader spraying a fire-hose on an iPad running a pirated copy of the Gimp&#8230;" _International Cover-Art is Much Harder Than It Looks Convention._

That shows how much they know. It was a fourth-grader. A talented one, too.

*CALL ME ISHMAEL*

The book that changes its cover more than its underwear.


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Erick,

You have the most hysterical bumps of any author here.  And they worked...  Call Me Ishmael is now on my Kindle and added to my to-be-read list.

Betsy


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Well, thankee, thankee! And I promise you, it will be more fun than your last trip to the dentist.* 

*Unless you really enjoyed that. Or are a dentist. Or own a fabulous private island, which you sail to on your yacht, _The Dentist_. I can't beat that, you know.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Another bumping, or burping, of this baby. One does wonder why babies must be burped; after all, they manage all other bodily functions with ease.

CALL ME ISHMAEL has garnered another review, from an actual, living, breathing, bodily-function performing member of the human race! What's more, the reviewer must be very intelligent indeed. I can tell, because he (or maybe she) called it "good," and "great."

CALL ME ISHMAEL: The book Bertie Wooster asked to be buried with.

Link to the Nook review is below:.
http://my.barnesandnoble.com/communityportal/Review.aspx?page=Review&reviewid=1671781


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Finally! A novel that celebrates the work ethic of the American hit-man!" _The Anti-Defamation Alliance of Private Contractors (Extralegal)_.

I'm glad they like it. *Very *glad.

*CALL ME ISHMAEL*

The book that has not yet gotten me killed. Or even punched.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"The BMW model eluded to...in this work...is not currently a production model of the Bavarian Motor Works Corporation..." _Uber-elite BMW Owners Group (All of Whom make More in a Week than You do in a Year_

Well... 

This would bother me if I didn't aspire to one day join them!

CALL ME ISHMAEL

The only book featuring the BMW I-Series (I for Imaginary, actual BMW owners)


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Da-Dum Da-Dum Daah-Dum&#8230; Da-Dum Dah-Da-Dum...ladies and gentleman, the President of the United States!"

"I confess to wincing every so often at a poorly chosen word, a mangled sentence, an expression of emotion that seems indulgent or overly practiced..."

Thank you, Mr. President. It was a surprise to find your review! I'm glad you enjoyed CALL ME ISHMAEL.

*Call Me Ishmael* celebrates our independence every day with a free copy for any American serving in the military (see www.operationebookdrop.com). Thank you, warriors!

For the month of July, Call Me Ishmael is free for all at www.smashwords.com if you use coupon code SSWSF at checkout.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Nothing." _Diary entry of Louis XVI, July 14, 1789--French revolution begins._

Only *Call Me Ishmael* offers a possible explanation for the paradox of this entry!

Inter-dimensional grind. Somewhere, there is a dimension in which the French Revolution did NOT happen. That dimension collided with our own, causing the confusion in the diary entry. In our dimension, Louis XVI actually wrote: "Sacre bleu! Les mobs are after my head!" The two dimensions ground together, and the diary entries were transposed. No doubt, the actual entry from our dimension has caused great consternation to the current French monarch in that dimension, Charles XXIII (The Trifler). 

Don't be another Charles XXIII...or worse, Louis XVI (the Headless). Read CALL ME ISHMAEL today...


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## StaceyHH (Sep 13, 2010)

Heh. Just this thread was worth the $.99.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"I have just finished reading *Call Me Ishmael* and I am stunned. It is a rare book which dares to admit that a girl with pink hair and a tail can, in fact, be attractive. Bravo, Ishmael! Bravo!" _Ian Grhhhh, President, Greater London Society for Positive Punk-Style Portrayals in Fiction_.

         

Although appreciative of the kind words, I must ask: How could such characteristics be anything but attractive?

Call Me Ishmael: The book that dreams are made of, sweetheart.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

I've heard it said that every guitar store keeps one ukulele hanging on the wall. Bear with me for a moment. What if all those ukuleles (or is it ukuleli?) were to fall, all at the same moment? Do we know what would happen to them, to us, to the universe? No!

And they say science has all the answers. Baloney! Or bologna! (Your spelling may vary.)

CALL ME ISHMAEL*. Have you read it yet? Do you dare not to?

*Ukulele not included.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

You say you like your fiction with words, and seasoned with punctuation? You say you like characters with capitalized names? You say you like hair-breadth escapes, logically impossible scenarios, and a disregard for the fundamental laws of physics? 

Call Me Ishmael has ALL that. It is "ALL THAT," in ways which it is not possible to discuss openly. You'll have to trust me. And you know, anytime a person says "You'll have to trust me," trusting them is the absolute right thing to do.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

New and improved...New and improved...New and improved...New and improved...New and improved...New and improved...

Call Me Ishmael is now NEW and IMPROVED.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait just a minute...how can something so awesome, so inspirational, so flat-out life-changing, be improved?"

Well, it surprised me too. And I'm the sort of person who thinks if I had 10 minutes and a palate of paint, the Mona Lisa would _really _stand out.

*Call Me Ishmael*...the book that dares to get better.


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## Joseph Robert Lewis (Oct 31, 2010)

Is the perfect boat a skipjack? It had better not be a trawler!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Nope, it's a sloop.  I've seen the skipjacks in Chesapeake Bay, and some of them are beautiful...but not perfect.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

September! Oh, fair month of changing leaves,
Of wind that blows, right up my sleeves.
Of river banks 'tween mossy banks,
And

Oh, never mind.

Call Me Ishmael. The poetry-free book that inspired Kublai Khan "a stately pleasure-dome decree...to read *Call Me Ishmael* more pleasantly..."


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Behold another review!

"..to even suggest that a licensed funeral director would allow the travesty described in this 'book' is ludicrous. Coffins simply do not permit passage to other dimensions. Ridiculous! And offensive!" _American Society of Offended Morticians_

I don't know why these guys get their undies in such a knot.

*CALL ME ISHMAEL*

...the only book banned by the Vatican, the Freemasons, the White House, and the outhouse.

More reviews posted at:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869
http://www.amazon.com/Call-Me-Ishmael-ebook/dp/B0048ELM5Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316105150&sr=8-1
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/call-me-ishmael-erick-flaig/1101964215?ean=2940011885105&itm=1&usri=call%2bme%2bishmael%2bflaig


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"This book is perhaps the only product in the marketplace which does *not *make a great Christmas gift." *International Overcommericalization of Religious Holidays Group, Inc., LLC., Ltd., Corp., DBA., PLLC., etc, etc.*



I knew I should have thrown a Santa Claus and a few plastic reindeer in there. Maybe in the sequel. "Call Me Ishmael II: Ishmael Saves Christmas!"

Call Me Ishmael

The holiday book you won't find under your Christmas tree, menorah, or aluminum pole.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

The feedback for "*Call Me Ishmael*" is staggering! I've received another review:

"By setting the price to free, the author may have finally, fairly valued this piece of c**p." _The eBook Fair-Price Snooty-Pants Club of Lower Des Moines, NY._

I can't figure out what the asterisks mean, though.  A piece of *camp*? It is a bit campy, maybe, but not deliberately so. A piece of *carp*? There are no fish references at all. This is going to take some research...

Call Me Ishmael...get yours before they're all gone!


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## Steverino (Jan 5, 2011)

Downloaded!  Thanks, Erick.  Keep it up.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Thankful for:

God, for creating me.  I think he got it right.  
My family, for putting up with me.  
Cancer-free since birth!
"This land of such dear souls, this dear, dear land..."  Wait.  I live in America, and Shakespeare was writing about England!  Still that's the way I feel about this great land, despite its shortcomings, despite its problems and challenges; it is still a shining city on a hill.  


Might need a polishing, though.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Has anyone even _heard _of these people?

"No character, even fictional ones, should treat an animal, even a fictional one, as Finnie does the ape-like creature in *Call Me Ishmael*. This book is offensive in the extreme!" _Association of People Who Feel Easily Offended_
*
CALL ME ISHMAEL*

Offensive only if you're some kind of a nut.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

An actual, video review! I didn't even know they existed. And I hope she doesn't get tangled up in her scarf.





They make a few little errors, but hey, "Call Me Ishmael" is a complex piece of art!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Now every Who down in Who-ville liked [Call Me Ishmael] a lot,
"But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, did not!"

I always wonder whether the Whos ever reached out to the Grinch. Maybe they did. 

And on a serious note, tomorrow, December 15 is Ludwig Zamenhoff's birthday! The good doctor would have been 152, had he lived. It's also a day to donate a book to your local public library, in Esperanto if you have one. I'm sure they'd be happy with any book, though.

Feliĉan Esperanto-tagon morgau!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Call Me Ishmael" is now a featured work at wattpad! That's right, out of millions of stories/poems/novels, there are just 56 chosen to be FEATURED, and Ishmael is one of them!

http://www.wattpad.com/featured?page=2

Call Me Ishmael: the cream is rising to the top! Or curdling. It's undergoing change, at any rate.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

A sad day... 

Someone wrote they simply could not finish "Call Me Ishmael."

Sadness!

He, or she, or they, or it...doesn't matter...compared it to a joint endeavor of Robert Heinlein and Rudy Rucker(?). I googled Rudy Rucker, and he's a chef.

Maybe I should have included some recipes. 

So I will. Why not respond to a bad review with a great recipe? The world would be a better place!

These cookies are kind of awesome. 
Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies
1-(8oz) brick cream cheese, room temperature
1 stick butter room temperature
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
1 (18oz) box moist chocolate cake mix (or vanilla. But then they are VANILLA Gooey Butter Cookies)
Confectioners sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, cream cream cheese and butter until smooth. Beat in egg than vanilla. Beat in cake mix. Cover and refridgerate for 2 hours until firm.

Roll batter into tablespoon size balls and roll in confectioner sugar. Place on ungreased cookie sheet 2 in. apart. Bake 12 minutes. Cool completely and sprinkle with more sugar. Will be gooey and soft.

Call Me Ishmael...Now with optional cookies.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Now a 5-star review! No wonder I feel so bi-polar on any given day. Some people get the joke, and some don't. I know I'm always wondering what's going on.

Call Me Ishmael

Love it or hate it!*

*If you do hate it, try the cookie recipe. You'll feel much better after some cookies. Trust me. I'm not a doctor, but I've been to one.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Yet another review that looks like an invitation to a flame war!
          
"What in the world does this hodgepodge have to do with Moby Dick?" _National League for the Defense of American Literature From Flagrant Hodgepodgery_

Hmmm. First of all, I don't think 'Hodgepodery' is even a word. Second, we'll throw in a Heinlein quote: "Specialization is for insects."

"Call Me Ishmael:" a hodgepodge that doesn't know its genre from its underpants.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Call Me Ishmael" just logged its first sale in Italy! That's right, the land of the pharaohs!   

I wonder if President Giorgio Napolitano was the buyer...I hope so. I've bought enough of his ice cream; he should return the favor.

*Call Me Ishmael*

Now available in three flavors!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Love is in the air as I prepare for Valentine's Day. What to get your wife, girlfriend, sweetheart, boyfriend, husband? Consider *Call Me Ishmael*, since at its heart, it's a love story. I admit the heart may be a bit misplaced, but who among us is perfect enough to cast the first stone?

Ishmael is again available free at Smashwords, through Valentine's Day, or until I remember to change it back.

Call Me Ishmael
"Better than a dozen chocolates and a box of roses!" _What most people have said on receiving it in lieu of these alternative gifts._

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

It's a cold snowy night deep in the heart of Pennsylvania; just the sort of night perfect to snuggle up with a cup of coffee, the Kindle, and the only cookie that matters...chocolate chip. What's that, you say? A book suggestion? Sure...
*
Roughing It*, by Mark Twain. http://www.amazon.com/Roughing-It-ebook/dp/B004SQTBIE 
Laugh out loud funny in places, and I find myself wondering what Mitt Romney would say!

Or, if you think the government might be tracking your Kindle reading--and let's face it, they might--take a look at

Call Me Ishmael 

"Thunderation! I never read multiple dimensional tripe like this!"...Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain.


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## acellis (Oct 10, 2011)

This looks great. Just bought it for my NookColor.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Roses are red, violets are frail
Why not read "Call Me Ishmael"?

CALL ME ISHMAEL

The book that's still looking for the bottom. And usually finding it.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

To quote Ambrose Bierce out of context: "The covers of this book are too far apart." _The Society of Pseudo-Intellectuals Who Look for Every Opportunity to Slip in a Quote from Ambrose Bierce._

You have to wonder about people like these, who talk when I wish them to listen.

Whoops.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"Last words are for fools who did not take the time to read *Call Me Ishmael*." _something Karl Marx might have said, had he not been busy dying at the time_.

Not much of an economist, but his literary instincts seem to be spot on. Thanks, Karl. After Groucho, you're my favorite Marx brother. 

CALL ME ISHMAEL

A great gift for mothers or Marxists and everyone in between.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"If you were marooned on a desert island, this isn't the book you would take." _The Society That Believes Robinson Crusoe had Pockets in His Skin_.

If you don't get that literary reference, read Robinson Crusoe. Or watch the Disney spoof starring, I believe, Dick van ****. A masterpiece!

*Call Me Ishmael*
Daniel Defoe could only dream of it.

Now on Kindle Prime.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"I'm not broke, but brother, I'm badly bent." _Old and In the Way_

Your purchase of *Call Me Ishmael* is the heart of my personal economic stimulus program.

Don't let the side down!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

It's been a while, but being tossed into a concrete cell, hosed down once a week, and fed only bread and water has taken up a lot of my time recently. Now that our Dear Leader has been sworn back in and walked down the way of blessing, it is time again to unite the forces of divergent worlds of the multiverse and encourage you to drop 99 cents (or it's parallel) on *CALL ME ISHMAEL.*
_
"Whosoever shall buy this ebook shall find himself free from all taxes, aside from those routinely and customarily due. You're still on the hook for those." _ Amir Fred Smith, IRS


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Another review of *Call Me Ishmael*!

True, it was merely chalked on the one remaining wall of my house, in letters two feet high, but I am counting it. There are 4 things that look they were meant to be stars. The reviewer's hand must have trembled with emotion, and they look a little like...well, imagination is a bit twisted. Then, this:

"The end is near! Call Me Ishmael is nothing but the edible viscera of a butchered animal, the stomach lining of an ox, cow, or other ruminant, prepared for cooking! It is codswallop, poppy-cock and dog-twaddle! Write no more, tripe-peddler!" _The Green Illuminati of Toledo (the one in Ohio, not Spain)._


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"I am Graw the Unclean. Surrender. Resistance is futile, and consumption will likely follow"

_Graw the Unclean_

Perhaps you could delay Graw by feeding him copies of "Call Me Ishmael." Just a thought...but one that could save your life!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"It is books such as this which blacken the names of Indie authors, darken the waters of inspiration, cause cows to miscarry their calves, and corn fields to whither. Flee, flee, o reader! Turn not the the virtual pages, lest ye blast your eyes with a new Gorgon!" _An Offended Reader_ 

*Call Me Ishmael *wins another convert! A big  to you, sir or madam.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

"There is only one 'Call Me Ishmael.' Which is not the same, of course, as saying it is any good." _Thomas Whitewell, Official Book Critic to the Unwashed Masses, New York Time and Day. _

   I can never tell if these New York reporters are being sarcastic of just need their phones tapped. *CALL ME ISHMAEL*. Uncut and unmonitored by the Department of Justice. So far.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Yes, I have returned. I have been to the mountaintop, and I have been to the sea. Why did I go to these places? What was I searching for? The answer to life. The quest for beauty and ultimate truth! I have looked death in the face, and death BLINKED! I have considered! I have prayed, brothers and sisters! 

*Call Me Ishmael * Who is Ishmael? He is you, he is me. He is anyone who searches for truth and winds up pursued by aliens. It is a UNIVERSAL story. It's free at Smashwords with coupon code XW52N

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Call Me Ishmael

"What is this dreck, this schlock, this tripe-like serving of triteness? And when will there be a sequel?" _The Society of Sequel-Demanders._

A sequel?  Sorry! *Call Me Ishmael* stands alone; like the Highlander, there can be only one. And that one was Sean Connery. Perhaps he will play Ishmael when the big screen comes calling! 

*Call Me Ishmael*: Read it before Sean Connery gets hold of it!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Yesterday, I set the world on fire and had life by the tiger tail of doom walking! Today, I scraped paint from the parts of the house I was able to reach. Highs and lows..we all have them. CALL ME ISHMAEL is the inspiring love story of a man who is a loser. He's the burnt toast in the diner of life...until he's tossed in the microwave of adventure.

Call Me Ishmael No, it's not Moby Dick. It's better. And shorter, too.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

I cannot help thinking that the Ebola River probably gets fewer tourists than any other spot in the world! 

There is a sunny, dark place where eggs walk on their hands instead of their feet, and the....SCREECH!

*Call Me Ishmael* is a self-published, free-at-times-to-some-people romp of apocalyptic dimensions. Yes, it has a few typos and an editor may have dropped the last third of a chapter. And the government may ban it! Academics may scoff at it! Librarians may shun it! But there are times, while I'm whittling duck-stops in the sunflower patch, that I speculate that it really happened. And if anything is possible, then it did.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Has anyone else noticed these GIANT CICADA KILLER WASPS? 

I saw them for the first time and thought they were mixed-up, left-over refugee from a game of Cootie.

I should have worked them into _Call Me Ishmael _somehow....


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

The wind is howling outside my window like a banshee with a bad case of lactose intolerance. Wait a minute... 

Let me check....

That is indeed a banshee.  
I'll be right back...

Okay, she feels better now. 
Because I gave her a copy of CALL ME ISHMAEL.

*CALL ME ISHMAEL*. The only novel that heals the tormented bowels of the banshee.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Reviews, reviews, reviews...so many reviews. I often wonder...did the reader even read the book? Can the reader even read? 

Consider this:

"Me think this pile of stinky poo." _Timmy, age three_

Com'on, Timmy! Three-years-old can't write reviews. Admit that Lassie did it for you. We all know.

CALL ME ISHMAEL. The book that's nobody's fool!


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

IT'S HERE!
"The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in,
"Millions affected! Shovels at ready! The schools are closin!"

 The Clash, with help from the Weather Channel.

Since it's cold and snowing, kick back and read "Call Me Ishmael,," where's it's sunny all the time.

CALL ME ISHMAEL the book that defies the best-looking weather girls, even on cable.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

LOVE!  

May I remind you, people, that LOVE is what makes the world go around? Not gravity, not the fed, not tortoises. LOVE!

Stick with me here! 

Valentine's Day is coming! A day to think about LOVE!

CALL ME ISHMAEL may be a paranormalish, sci-fi, romp-a-tromp adventure story, but beneath its literal heart beats a heart of...LOVE! 

So, now through February 15 (to account for the world going around), Call Me Ishmael is free to all using this magic coupon code: GW47M at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26869

Call Me Ishmael: Give the Valentine's Gift that will probably never be forgotten (or forgiven).


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Obeying all posted signs, I caught a leprechaun _today _to avoid the rush _tomorrow_. I refused his gold, but would not release him until he finished "Call Me Ishmael" and gave me a glowing review. Here, then, are the exact words of the little fellow:

_"Ahh, always after me...One for the Gipper, right lads? Oh, very well. Very well. In me seven hundred years of guarding me pot o'gold, I have never read anything to compare to this story. If ye want praise, die."_ Shillelagh O'Fearsome 

CALL ME ISHMAEL. 
The only book to be recommended by a genuine leprechaun. Technically, under duress, but in this world we take what we can get.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

One hundred years ago, Typhoid Mary was quarantined. For life. I can't help but think that she would have enjoyed having a copy of "Call Me Ishmael" to pass the time. 

CALL ME ISHMAEL

   The book that makes government-imposed, public-health based quarantine/imprisonment bearable.


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

I know I don't post here as often as I was wont to do before, but the chain only reaches so far, and the restraints make typing difficult.

I have found, scratched on the concrete slab that serves as my bed, a tiny inscription. And it readeth as followeth:

Thou can taketh my freedom
Thou can taketh my life
But thou can never taketh
"Call Me Ishmael."

  CALL ME ISHMAEL.   ​_
The comfort mind-food of the forgotten prisoners of the labyrinthine world beneath Suburbia's garage slabs._


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Wow.
Just wow. 

El Donaldo is el presidente.

I have woken (awaken? woke up? stirred? shaken?) opened my eyes like a week-old puppy-dog. The kind with big feet, kind of awkward and with no clue where the bathroom (john? head? wc?) necessary room is. Or isn't.

CALL ME ISHMAEL

I have changed the cover, because change is the medication of the masses and the delirium of the demented devout ones who devour delirious donuts in daylight.

So run your virtual fingers across the virtual cover. Or buy a paperback for that old-timey bluegrass feel. Y'all come back now, y'hear?


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Spring has arrived. Just in time, too. I've got some holes to dig in the yard.

After a long session of digging holes, then filling in holes, I always face the same question: Why do I have too much dirt?

Maybe it's because at the bottom of each hole I place 1000 virtual copies of

Call Me Ishmael.

Treasure maps available on request.  .....


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

Despite warnings to start a new post....

Despite the snow piling up against every window, threatening to crash into every room...

Despite coffee being more expensive than gasoline...

CALL ME ISHMAEL continues to survive, thrive, drive, dive and strive.

Pick up a copy today...just 99 inflation battered cents!

http://amzn.to/2HkNpBq


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## Erick Flaig (Oct 25, 2010)

STARTLING DEVELOPMENT

Wattpad...or Youtube...or...well, SOMEBODY has removed the wonderful video review done by the nicely-scarfed ladies from Wattpad. When? Why? Was Russia involved? Canada?

_"Government conspiracies are just so much twiddle-twaddle. And don't read CALL ME ISHMAEL."_ A Shadowy Government Agency


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