# Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia



## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder



A true story set in 1989, nineteen year old Natasha, obsessively in love with her former school teacher Miss Williams, struggles with her infatuations with women. Having sex with boys, she earns the condemnation of gay and straight worlds. Feeling too fat to deserve romantic involvement with another girl, Natasha stops eating.

Endorsed by Helena Whitbread, Editor of The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister, as "a compelling read," the book describes in detail Natasha's clumsy attempts at heterosexuality, the obsessive clinging to unrequited love, her embracing of sexual harassment, and her dysfunctional relationship with body image and food. You can find out more at www.lesbiancrushdiaries.com.

*Amazon Review*

"The phone rang three times today and each time it was not her."

A book for anyone who has been overwhelmed by the presence - and then the absence - of another person. And who hasn't?

These are diary entries, true events, and yet they have a novelistic precision and a dramatic sense that reveal Natasha Holme as a natural, instinctive writer. She has an eye for telling details, an exact feeling for how much to tell (I'm assuming these diaries are somewhat edited) and a matter-of-fact honesty that keep her voice compelling even when the behaviour she's describing is - frankly - bat-excrement crazy.

We jump into the story without preamble. Natasha and Alex meet, as part of a larger group working in Germany. Everyone will recognise the little things that seem so important when we first feel attracted to someone - the `significant' coincidences, similarities of taste - and there is a definite dramatic and sexual tension in the narrative as it follows the two girls' tentative friendship. But even at this early stage, there is a warning sign: a reference to `beauty' being the opposite of `big'.

The relationship is not consummated in Germany, and the uncertain dance continues, with the protagonists now separated. Natasha announces her intention of losing weight to impress Alex. At this stage Natasha is clearly in a state of heightened romantic and sexual feeling about life as a whole, and seems to be assessing everyone, male and female, in terms of their attractiveness to her. Although thinking constantly about Alex, and still in the throes of a serious crush on an old teacher (she has photos of her blown up and plastered on her walls), Natasha embarks on a programme of sexual experimentation with men, determined to bed five before she next sees Alex. At the same time she is becoming more involved with the Gay and Lesbian society at University, and we see her slightly obsessive tendencies manifesting in her catalogue of what she has learned about one member of the society she finds attractive, a fearlessly `out' lesbian called Vikki. And Natasha's determination to achieve any goal is demonstrated as the deadline for her bedding her five men approaches. These are warning signs of what is to come with her determination to lose weight.

About halfway through the book it starts to become less about Natasha's relationships with people and more about her relationship with food and her weight. I admit I find this less gripping, but it nevertheless has a grimly compelling quality of its own - there were pages I found literally difficult to read as she describes what she does to herself to induce vomiting. The lists of food consumed are of far less interest than the chronicles of sexual and emotional misadventures, but they have their place as a measure of the obsession. And throughout she remains refreshingly honest - as when admitting that she `needs' the male sexual harassment she gets at work to bolster her confidence - and amusingly self aware: "I shall soon be inflicting paralysis by conversation" (as she notes she is talking about food again).

This book is several things - an eye-opener for those of us who have never experienced what `thin=beautiful' can do to someone's self-image, a chronicle of awakening, an examination of the different things we look for in terms of intimacy, and a frankly terrifying description of what a sane and intelligent person can subject themselves to - but most of all it is a crisply-written, honest and unsentimental memoir that will strike many chords in responsive readers of any gender or sexual orientation.

"Hannah the Christian came to visit me at my request. I wish everyone were gay." Without a single wasted word you know everything. Recommended. 



Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Natasha,

Welcome to KindleBoards and congratulations on your book!

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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

So pleased with my latest review on Goodreads ...
www.goodreads.com/review/show/328409038:

How do you review someone's diary? It's really hard to do. I alternately want to shake the author, and hug her. I found it utterly fascinating and compelling. It's an interesting look at someone discovering their sexuality. I don't really know how to review it but I am glad that Natasha was willing to share her troubles and her life with us.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

View an [size=20pt]excerpthttp://www.kboards.com/sample/?asin=B007NZRQAC of this book.[/size]


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Hello,

My book 'Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder' is free Tuesday 19th and Wednesday 20th June on Amazon (US) or Amazon (UK).

Micro blurb: Obsessive 19 year old Natasha falls in love with women, but has sex with men, behaviour which leads to an eating disorder, all recorded in a diary. True story.

If you enjoy it, I would very much appreciate a review.

Many thanks,
Natasha
x


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Helena Whitbread is the editor of The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister, a wealthy lesbian landowner who lived two hundred years ago. Helena Whitbread, to whom the lesbian community is indebted, has given my book this generous and exciting five star review on Goodreads:

goodreads.com/review/show/355382237


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I've started work on book no.2 taken from my diaries. It's 1991, Natasha is now 21 and gets drawn into a summer of drug-taking and shoplifting.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I've come across a website that allows authors to upload page 99 of their book ("Open the book to page ninety-nine, and the quality of the whole will be revealed to you." Ford Madox Ford). Visitors to the site read random page 99s and vote 'Yes' I would turn the page, or 'No' I would not turn the page. Here's mine:

page99test.com/read-my-page/1749


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I enjoyed my book's latest Amazon review.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I'd love some comments on this post on my blog:
Does God hate gay people? &#8230; Keeping homophobic Christians busy &#8230;


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Check out some photographs of my encoded diaries.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

51 Quotes about Diary-writing.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Proudly sharing my latest five-star Amazon reivew:

*A sneak peek into the raw details*
Excellent read! I love the way the author was able to bring me into her world by making me feel like I was sneaking into her diary while actually carrying me through her story. There is a true story line and a definitive end. This is a great book to recommend for anyone battling with an eating disorder or with their sexuality. I was able to relate to some of the author's experiences which brought me further into the book. It's not easy to bear your heart and sole but the author has done an amazing job at letting the reader feel her happiness and hurt with her too.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Really knocked out by this five star review on Amazon UK. So pleased that my book is helping people:

*An invaluable read*
An utterly honest account of bulimia. Novels and biographies about eating disorders so often make the condition appear dramatic, exciting and glamourous. This diary does not. It tells of the repetative daily struggle, the depression, and the gruesome, unglamourous physical effects of the condition. I have never been confronted with such raw frankness when reading about this condition. This is a story that everyone needs to read, so that people understand that this condition is undignified, painful and hellish, not something glamourous or enviable. My sincere congratulations to the author for her bravery in sharing her story which could change many people's lives. I believe that this book has the power to jolt some people out of the addictive cycle, because the reader can't escape the gritty reality on the page. This book has the power to save lives.

I am a lesbian/bisexual myself, so the sexuality part of the diary also appealed to me (as it really resonated with the obsessive crushes I experienced when I first came out). However, if you are not gay or bi this part of the diary may not appeal to you as much. I urge readers who find the lesbian aspect of the diary less captivating to continue reading because the bulimia-related diary entries are, as I said, invaluable reading for people with bulimia whose motivation for recovery is waning.

This book really reminds you why you are 'staying clean' and fighting so hard for recovery.

This book could change your life. I really believe it could. Read it!


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder is free to download from Amazon August 30th and 31st.

Please help yourselves.
Natasha


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

The UK's leading eating disorder charity, Beat, has launched weekly live chats for LGBT people under 25 years old. Chats take place every Tuesday 6.45pm-8pm. To take part, register on their website so the registration can be approved. For a leading UK eating disorder charity to recognise the needs of LGBT people with eating difficulties is a great step forward.

You can leave a comment here:
www.lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia.com/beat-launch-live-chats-for-lgbt-people-under-25


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I've received my first Amazon review that isn't a four or five star. ... In fact it's a one star. Yikes:
www.amazon.com/Lesbian-Crushes-Bulimia-Acquired-ebook/product-reviews/B007NZRQAC/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt
Fortunately, the claims made in this review are untrue or absurd.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I've started working with Helena Whitbread, editor of _The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister_, a wealthy land-owning lesbian diarist who lived two hundred years ago. We are compiling a Q&A article for publication, looking at the similarities and differences between Anne's life and journaling and my own.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Now off the Kindle Select programme, preparing to publish with Smashwords too. B&N, Apple, Sony, Kobo, here I come ...


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I have just branched out from Kindle, so for anyone (who knows anyone) with a different eReader, 'Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder' is now available in multiple formats from Smashwords:
www.smashwords.com/books/view/241472


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

www.gaydargirls.com, lesbian dating website that's pretty big in the UK, has asked me to contribute four posts to their forthcoming blog. So far I'm thinking of writing on the following:

How my diary-writing started
How I found out I was gay
My intense crushes
My eating disorder

Any other ideas gratefully received.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Rainbow Awards are giving away copies of 243 LGBT print books and ebooks, of which mine is one, via an online Treasure Hunt. Read the rules here: www.lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia.com/treasure-hunt-for-lgbt-books


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Until Christmas, 'Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder' is down from $2.99 to $0.99 with code BH25G at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/241472, for all e-reading devices.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I shall be giving away one copy per month of my book Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder, in any digital format. For a chance to win, please leave your reason(s) for wanting to read it in the comments section of my website.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

My book giveaway competition is now open for February. For a chance to win a copy of Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder, in the digital format of your choice, please leave your reason(s) for wanting to read it in the comments section of my website.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Thrilled to have received a glowing review from top lesbian book review website, The Lesbrary:
lesbrary.com/2013/02/03/lena-reviews-lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia-by-natasha-holme. 
Below is a portion of the review:

As things got worse and worse, I read to find out if anyone in this person's world would find a way to break through to her, if anyone would be able to help her. It was almost as if I read to keep her alive.

In 2013, the age of internet journals and pop culture obsessions, and a radically different understanding of eating disorders, homosexuality and adolescence, this is a fascinating book to read. The parallels between this private diary and blogs as confessionals were very apparent and very uncomfortable. I found lots of it really frightening and difficult and for some it's probably very triggering, but at the same time it's an important story. It's a record, both for the author and the rest of us, of how far we've come and how far we still have to go in creating safe and accepting environments.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

*** Am I Gay? ***

How do you know if you're gay? Just had my first GaydarGirls blog post published.

GaydarGirls is a very popular online lesbian dating site in the UK.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

There's now an online library devoted to memoirs:
www.memoirsonly.com

My book is featured here:
www.memoirsonly.com/lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia.html


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Working really hard on book no.2 (minimum 7,000 words per week for months). Again the book is taken from my extensive, encoded diaries.

It's 1990/91. I'm living and teaching in France, twenty-one years old, still struggling with my sexuality and eating disorder, succumbing to my masochistic streak, smoking aspirin to get high, hitch-hiking, shop-lifting, and harbouring criminals for a thrill.

Obviously, I've grown up a lot since then. ...


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

*Win a copy of my book*

I'm giving away one copy per month, in your preferred digital format. For a chance to win, please leave your reason(s) for wanting to read it here: 
www.lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia.com/giveaway

All entrants who don't win, receive a half-price Smashwords coupon code.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

*A page of my Greek-encoded diary*


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

*Photographs of my Greek-encoded diaries*


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

*The spines of my Greek-encoded diaries*


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Am 80% through writing the draft for diary no.2 ... more dysfunctional and clueless behaviour, this time during my year abroad in France 1990/91 (following on from diary no.1 in 1989/90). 

Still a way off completion, but if you're interested in being notified once my next diary is published, please enter your email address in the pink bar at the very top of my website at www.lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia.com. Thanx


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Smashwords is giving huge ebook discounts for their July Summer/Winter Sale. You can use code WH38S for 50% off mine: www.smashwords.com/books/view/241472


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

If you'd be up for exchanging a free copy of my book for a review, you can sign up in the 'Making Connections' group on Goodreads here: www.goodreads.com/topic/show/1385838-1345-lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia-a-diary-on-how-i-acquired-my-eating-d


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Please check out my latest blog post for GaydarGirls, lesbian online dating website in the UK. It features many of the themes in my book 'Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder.'

***************************
Confessions of a Teenage Stalker ...

***************************

Have you ever experienced obsessive love?


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Have registered with www.bookgoodies.com to take part in their latest forum topic where authors give each other feedback on our covers (brilliant idea). Feedback for me was rather as expected. My cover looks "impersonal," like a "psychology textbook," no "inner demons" portrayed.

I'm going to have to start again, aren't I?


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Bunny's book blog interviews me about my revolting first date, throwing up in front of my parents' friends, and time travel:

www.blog.kybunnies.com/author-interviewnatasha-holme


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Just submitted my Smashwords author interview:
www.smashwords.com/interview/natashaholme

To create your own, visit www.smashwords.com/manageinterview/info


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I want to share my review of the AMAZING 1979: A Big Year in a Small Town by Rhona Cameron:

LOVE it. 1979 knocked me sideways. How did I not hear about this book before? HOW? This is a staggeringly close account to my own teenage lesbian school teacher stalker experience. I was laughing myself silly with recognition.

This:
"I learned her timetable by heart. At any given hour, I knew which class she was teaching and its finishing time, so that I could get a glimpse of her for a few moments as she passed by."

This:
"I wrote her millions of letters and poems. I would go to the staffroom every single day to deliver them. I don't think the poor woman got a proper tea break in her entire career. [...] She would stand in the staffroom door with a cup of coffee in her hand and a bewildered expression on her face."

And re. a fellow pupil stalkee, this:
"[...] for hours while I scanned the place with my binoculars, waiting for that millisecond in which I might catch a glimpse that would feed my need for another day or so."

Rhona's physical and emotional dedication to stalking the objects of her affections is breath-taking. I found myself exclaiming, "God, she's good!" I felt almost jealous that she managed to trace information about her teacher's parents, but comforted myself with my memory of spending hours at the local library, moving methodically through copies of the Yellow Pages for every area of the UK, noting down details of everyone with my teacher's surname. If I were to become pregnant by her brother later in life, I would have to find him, after all.

On reading that Rhona discovered her teacher's date of birth, I was a little shocked to realise that I still knew my teacher's date of birth twenty-five years later.

I do hope the teacher that I so mercilessly stalked, reads this book, and that her own bewildered expression might perhaps morph into one of understanding or, just possibly, amusement.

1979 is an enchanting and hilarious memoir, one of very few books that I shall read again.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I got a mile-long, five-star review I'd like to share:
www.amazon.com/review/R391MHURM03W9D


A couple of snippets here:

"I am so thankful for this book. I want to keep on going with recovery so that ten years from now I'll be alive and I'll be able to say that this book saved my life. I feel like it already did more for me than years of therapy, medication and hospitalisation did."

"It's closest to Marya Hornbacher's Wasted, I'd say, with a little sprinkle of The Bell Jar. That's a push though, because it's unlike anything else out there."


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

From humiliation to mortal danger: Reasons Not to Keep a Diary ... I reveal all on the GaydarGirls Blog.


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I have a new post up on the GaydarGirls (UK lesbian/bi online dating) Blog:

10 Ways NOT to Come Out


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

I have another post up on the GaydarGirls (UK lesbian/bi online dating) Blog ...

... about how I avoided sex with women for the first ten years of my adult life.

Was it just me? Has anyone else done this in their life?


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

My book is becoming part of a SERIES. ...


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

OUT NOW, the *prequel* ... Lesbian Crushes at School: A Diary on Growing Up Gay in the Eighties.

paperback:
www.amazon.com/dp/1500350494

ebook:
www.amazon.com/dp/B00M28EKMC


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Description:

In 1983 thirteen-year-old Natasha is in love with her French teacher, Miss Williams. When Natasha is cruelly banished from Miss Williams's class forever, the love develops into obsession ... stalking ... unhealthy behaviour ... and painfully misguided cries for attention.

This uncomfortable yet light-hearted memoir in diary form is primarily a record of obsession.

Natasha is a love-sick lesbian teenager in an all-girls school in the eighties, juggling her Latin homework, Bible study, a crush on Elaine Paige, and her suppressed sexuality. How can she make sense of it all?

But more importantly ... tormented by unrequited love ... how can Natasha make Miss Williams love her back? Take a sneaky peek inside ...

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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Great book review of Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain, Portia de Rossi's memoir of her struggle with anorexia and bulimia whilst she hid her lesbian sexuality from herself and from the world:

https://lesbrary.com/2016/08/26/katelyn-reviews-unbearable-lightness-a-story-of-loss-and-gain-by-portia-de-rossi


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## Natasha Holme (May 26, 2012)

Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia has just broken Brazil!


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