# ugh, think I'm in trouble (personal)



## cargalmn (Sep 29, 2010)

Wow, I feel really lame putting this on KB...but...my marriage is really rocky right now and I need an outlet.  Our family & friends don't have any idea - it's not something I can talk with my parents about.  My BFF is out of pocket until later today...so I just need an outlet...

Without going into all the details, I'll just say we have something we've argued about for years - even before we ever got married (nearly 12 years ago), and I think it's finally come to a head.  We briefly tried counseling 4 years ago but it wasn't for us - instead we bought a cabin.  LOL  The problem topic is something that we don't talk about very much but it's always there, simmering beneath the surface.  Lately we've been arguing about the DUMBEST things - pretty much everything that comes out of our mouths turns into an argument (not a screaming match, by any means, but an argument nonetheless).

Every now & then, DH gets bothered by it and can't sleep - then I can't sleep either (I've "trained" myself to not sleep unless he can sleep)...last night, he *really* couldn't sleep, wouldn't kiss me good night and no kiss goodbye this morning either.

We made an "appointment" to talk tonight at 7pm and I'm freaking out.  I don't know what I'll say, I don't know how to figure out what I'll say, and I'm not even sure what I want as an outcome...I've invested 15 years in this relationship, I know marriages are a lot of work, but I might finally be tired enough to throw in the towel and go through the pain and humiliation of separation.  I just don't know.

Anyhow, thanks for listening (reading?).


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## Jane917 (Dec 29, 2009)

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I know it helps to vent and get the words out. We have a few others around here going through some of same issues. It is important to keep a level head and take one step at a time. Good luck, and don't fear posting your worries.


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## Chris Northern (Jan 20, 2011)

I have been throught this. I absolutely understand. I have no advice to offer, nor would I if I had.

I'm honored that you trusted us to vent to. I know it helps. Best wishes.


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## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

I don't really have any advice either, but just remember that we KB people will always be around to support you,  no matter what happens! I never mind a good vent. *hugs* 

(and you shouldn't feel lame about posting here - KB is my go-to place for asking questions about ANYTHING)


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## julieannfelicity (Jun 28, 2010)

Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes, why not here at KB? I kind of wish I knew what the issue was to give better advice, but since I don't I'll say this:

Sometimes separations are better than sticking it out just to stick it out. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean you're going to split. It means you're taking time to cool off and recoup.

About four years ago, my husband and I had a separation. We had been together for seven years and couldn't look at each other without fighting (and I mean, knock-down/dragged-out screaming matches). We had two children, ages 6 and 3, and it was becoming a very hostile environment for them. The only thing that worked was re-evaluating why we got married in the first place. The only way we could do this was to separate. I stayed in our home with our children; he lived with a friend. He wasn't working at the time (which might have attributed to a lot of our frustrations), so while I was at work and the children at school/day care, he'd go back to our house and shower, watch tv or play video games. By the time I returned home, he'd be gone. It took us three full months to realize we could make things work. That expression 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is absolutely true. 

We reconnected and worked things out. We now have a 3rd child (born 9 months after our reunion), bought a 3 family house, we're both working, and occasionally go through bouts where we argue. It's a part of marriage. I have learned to let him blow off steam by playing video games or having a few drinks on the weekends. He lets me blow off steam by writing and going on play dates. You've just got to find that middle-ground, and sometimes the only way to do this is to take a step back, re-evaluate and recuperate. 

I really, truly hope everything works out! Try not to take the defensive and don't point any fingers. Your meeting together is a time to open all channels and try to get on the same page. (Sorry for being so cliche, but sometimes it's just appropriate.)

Good luck! <3 {{hugz}}


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## valleycat1 (Mar 15, 2011)

Been there, too.  If you don't know what you're going to say, let him start the conversation.  If I were in your shoes today, I'd be thinking most of the day about whether I will be willing to put in the effort to work things out & stay together (assuming that he is).  Perhaps a different kind of counselor would work for you - either individually or as a couple.  Also, I'd try to be as objective as possible as to whether the particular disagreement is truly something so fundamental that there is no compromise option (or something you can agree to disagree about & set aside) & is worth breaking up over.


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## cargalmn (Sep 29, 2010)

Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement and support - you have no idea how much they mean to me.  

Valleycat - it's not something we can set aside, unfortunately...I have been considering a counselor for me individually to help me get my head on straight and figure things out.  You're right, I need to figure out what I want - I don't even know how to do that.  LOL

Separation terrifies me - logistically, emotionally...I'm glad we don't have kids (just a cat & dog) yet...but I'd still need to make sure we're staying together for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.  I feel like I need time to think but can't find it (time, that is)...

Thank you again, everyone...


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## Jen (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear this too.  My only advice is that the truth is always the best thing, so be open when you do sit down to talk tonight.  Tell him how you feel!  Maybe through the talk you'll find out what you really want.  If it ends up that it doesn't work out, at least you know you put everything out there.  Thanks for sharing with us, good luck tonight!


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## KindleChickie (Oct 24, 2009)

There was a movie with Jeff Bridges and Farrah Fawcett called See You In the Morning.  It wasnt a very good movie, but it had a great line in it.  Jeff and Farrah were married and divorced.  They both remarried other people.  Later they meet up again and she asks him what would have happened if they stayed together.  He says something to the affect that if they would have stayed together eventually they would have worked thru their problems and been happy.  But since they separated, they both worked thru their problems and were happy.  The outcome of their decision to stay married or not both ended with eventual happiness.

Just know that no matter what comes of these difficult times, eventual happiness awaits both of you.


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## caseyf6 (Mar 28, 2010)

Also, sometimes it takes more than one try (and a different counselor) for couples counseling to work. Definitely see one on your own, at least.


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## Lisa Scott (Apr 4, 2011)

Sorry to hear it.  Marriage can be haaaaaaard.  It's probably going to be a long day for you waiting for that talk.  Ask yourself where you'd like to be in five years or ten years.  Does it include him?  And what would it take to get there?  Maybe ask him the same thing.  Whatever happens, good luck.  You'll get through it.


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## Kimberly Van Meter (Apr 22, 2011)

*Hugs!* My heart goes out to you and your struggle. My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years and the ups and downs have been epic. We separated twice before finding balance in our relationship and I'm sure at one time or another, we've wondered whether we made the right choice. We've found counseling (together and separate) to be a huge help in finding the root cause of our misunderstandings and hurts. But it took several shots at counseling before we found the ones that resonated with us. We've both been hurtful to one another and yet, we loved each other to take an honest and raw look at what was working and what wasn't. It hurts when things aren't smooth and love simply isn't enough. Marriage is the hardest journey two people can take together but the rewards are great if you can live and grow together. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!

Kimberly V.


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## MeiLinMiranda (Feb 17, 2011)

The piece of advice that has gotten me through my marriage was given to my husband by his grandfather. I never got to meet Tom; he died before I met my husband, and I wish I had met him. His advice was this:

You will fall in and out of love with your partner a hundred times, and so will she with you. There will be times when you will think, my God, I cannot stand another minute with this woman. She is driving me up the wall, everything she does and everything she says is like a cheesgrater on my nerves.

Wait it out.

One morning, you will wake up, turn over, and there will be the wonderful woman you married. You will see her with the eyes of love again.

And remember that she is going through the same thing. There will be times when everything you do and everything you say will be like a cheesegrater on her nerves. Wait it out. Eventually, she'll wake up and there will be the man she married.

When you're lucky, you both wake up like that on the same day.

(Hubby and I have been very lucky indeed.)


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## Kimberly Van Meter (Apr 22, 2011)

MeiLinMiranda said:


> The piece of advice that has gotten me through my marriage was given to my husband by his grandfather. I never got to meet Tom; he died before I met my husband, and I wish I had met him. His advice was this:
> 
> You will fall in and out of love with your partner a hundred times, and so will she with you. There will be times when you will think, my God, I cannot stand another minute with this woman. She is driving me up the wall, everything she does and everything she says is like a cheesgrater on my nerves.
> 
> ...


That's beautiful advice. Thanks for sharing!

Kimberly V.


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## Jen (Oct 28, 2008)

Thank you for sharing that MeiLinMiranda!  I just got married 2 years ago, so that will probably be helpful advice for a long time to come.


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## dpinmd (Dec 30, 2009)

Just wanted to add another voice to the "So sorry you're going through this, we'll be thinking about you" chorus!


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## spotsmom (Jan 20, 2011)

We'll be thinking about you tonight.  Think of us all as a group standing invisibly behind you.


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## cargalmn (Sep 29, 2010)

Thank you, thank you all for your words of support...Spotsmom, I will do just that (think of everyone standing invisibly behind me) - envisioning that actually helps a lot.


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## mamiller (Apr 28, 2009)

You're not alone here. You have one HUGE support base!  We're all here for you.


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## julieannfelicity (Jun 28, 2010)

mamiller said:


> You're not alone here. You have one HUGE support base! We're all here for you.


Ditto! <3


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## 908tracy (Dec 15, 2009)

I have been there, and it is no fun. I just wanted to say count me in on being behind you. You can do it! I wish you luck, just find the strength to face your situation head on and go for it. 

MaiLinMiranda, I loved reading the words of wisdom from your hubby's Grandfather. What a smart man! Thank you so much for sharing them with us.


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## Ryl (Nov 25, 2010)

*sending good wishes your way*


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## Andra (Nov 19, 2008)

Please add me to your supporters. DH and I will celebrate our 18th anniversary in October and this past year has been the most challenging that we have faced. We are doing counseling, both separately and together and it has helped us immensely. I think the big thing that we forgot was how to listen to each other. So if you don't know what to say tonight, start by listening to what he has to say. And really LISTEN - don't be thinking about dinner or the bills or be planning your rebuttal. Just listen. 
Whichever way things go, please consider seeing a counselor yourself. 
And if you would like some extra prayer warriors, head over to the Prayer Request Thread. It's in the One Year Bible Book Klub. You will find even more support and encouragement there.


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## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

Andra said:


> ... I think the big thing that we forgot was how to listen to each other. So if you don't know what to say tonight, start by listening to what he has to say. And really LISTEN - don't be thinking about dinner or the bills or be planning your rebuttal. Just listen.
> ...


Support from me also. I agree with Andra that listening is very important. The times DH and I had problems were due to either not really listening or not talking about the real problems.


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## mlewis78 (Apr 19, 2009)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  Try to stay calm.  Good luck and best wishes.


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## Erin Zarro (Apr 30, 2011)

*hugs*  I know it is tough.  I went through an abusive marriage and a brutal divorce and ended up getting remarried (to someone else) 2 years ago.  I learned so much from that first marriage.  Definitely listen and keep the lines of communication open, even if it hurts.  Seriously.  My husband and I have had some huge issues but staying open and communicating is what got us through it.  And always be aware of what you can't take in a relationship vs. what you can.  I learned that the hard way.


Good luck.  I'll be praying for you.


Cheers,
E.


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## rayhensley (Apr 16, 2011)

I hope things work out for you. Separation may be embarrassing, but that's only if you care way too much about what others think about your business -- _friends_ included. Well...don't care what others say. Do what you want. To hell with what others say. Make the choice that'll make you happy in the long-term. Isn't that what life's about? Happiness on *your *own terms?

Take care.


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## Val2 (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi there
I am in exactly the same psition as you are, 19 years of marriage and not sure what to do. There are good days and then there are really bad days. Problem with us is also that sweeping a problem under the carpet never works, he thinks if he just says sorry that makes it all go away, but it never has. So I am trying to take each day at a time, seems a shame to waste all those years as on good days he's really a nice guy and I do love him on those days. But sometimes I do wonder if throwing in the towel might be the better option. Just don't know here. Keep your head up, I don't think I have given you any advice as I can't, but keep faith in yourself. You are in our thoughts.


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## Tippy (Dec 8, 2008)

My heart and thoughts are with you both.  Good luck.


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## Andra (Nov 19, 2008)

Thinking about you this morning and sending prayers, hugs and healing energy your way.


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## cargalmn (Sep 29, 2010)

Hi everyone...this is my "morning after" post.

First & foremost - thank you AGAIN for the support, which is overwhelming.  Second, the suggestion to imagine everyone behind me actually worked!!  There was a time during our conversation when I swear I felt everyone behind me; it was unexpected (and a little odd, if I'm honest) but gave me courage and strength to say what needed to be said.

It wasn't an argument, it was a calm discussion (we sat at the kitchen table for a few hours).  We were very honest with each other and in agreement with where we are in our relationship right now.  We're going to give it one more shot for a few months and if things aren't improving, I guess we'll go from there.  We've scheduled a "checkpoint" meeting (he's an engineering project manager and i'm a program manager, what can we say) for 7/1 to see how we're doing.

I remain terrified about what's to come and DH is more optimistic than I am about our troubles, but will stay open-minded.  I owe that at least to our 12 years of marriage.


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## Jen (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm so happy to hear that!!!  At least it was an open, calm discussion, and I hope that sets the tone for the next couple of months.  Just keep that open attitude and who knows, maybe things will improve!  I'm really happy to hear you felt us all behind you!!  Keep us updated, and best of luck to you both!


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## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

Good for you guys. I'm glad you were able to talk together reasonably.

Sometimes stressors in a relationship can be talked out and worked through, if you have some distance between you. You can also ask yourselves, "Is "this" instance of pain going to matter in a week? Month? Year?" Once you can see a point where you know it won't matter, you can put whatever "it" is in perspective.

DH & I are not separated, we're happily married for 21 years, and yet..
I have been in San Francisco for the last 3 weeks on a mini-vacation/check up on grandma (who is 92 & living alone). DH & I have always talked multiple times per day via the phone.. just kinda checking in to see how each other's days are going. the other night, after we had already said goodnight, he called back, and we talked for an hour about whatever the little things were that had been irking us recently. Stuff we probably never would have brought up to each other. Those annoying little pesky things that bother ya like ... a paper-cut; you know they are there, and when messed with they hurt, but if you leave them alone you can pretend they are not there.  I go home on Saturday, and the air between us is clearer than it has been in months, we're both happier.


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## caseyf6 (Mar 28, 2010)

So glad you two sat down and talked.

We've been married 19 years and some days are a lot harder than others.  Some days we have to CHOOSE to love each other, because the "like" sure isn't there.  And other times we do what BTackett said-- we sit down (sometimes on the phone) and have long conversations that resolve those little things that can get so big.

HUGS and prayers.  Starting that counseling for yourself between now and the checkpoint might help.  Be sure the counselor is in tune with what you want to do-- some are very quick to recommend divorce, while others want their clients to make their own decisions no matter what the counselor believes.


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## AnnetteL (Jul 14, 2010)

Coming to this late, but I'm happy to see your report--and the support that's available here on the KB. 

Best of luck--this marriage thing ain't for wimps, for sure.


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## Andra (Nov 19, 2008)

caseyf6, that's a good point.  DH and I always love each other even when we don't particularly like one another.  Sometimes I drive him up the wall and vice versa.
We've been working individually with the counselor to improve our own self-esteem and working together on being a better couple.  We are also (re)learning about boundaries and personal space and not getting offended when one of us wants to do something on his/her own.  We are still trying to work out when to talk about bills and house repairs and stuff like that.  Right now the plan is to set aside an hour each weekend - we'll see how that goes.

cargalmn, thanks for letting us know how things went.  KB is like a family in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to supporting each other.  I'm glad to hear that you really felt we were there for you.  I know that made a big difference for me when DH and I were first trying to get a handle on things.  I didn't want to talk to family or people near me so I turned to my KB family.


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## Alle Meine Entchen (Dec 6, 2009)

I was thinking of you last night and sending good thoughts your way.

One thing I do that DH has adopted is I email him things that bother me.  I tend to be v emotional esp now since I'm 14 wks preggers, so this helps DH to really see what my point is, then he replies and after that, we are able to sit down and have a rational discussion about what is bothering us.  This isn't a perfect system, but it does help since DH knows he can email me about anything I do that bugs him (I'm more likely to bother him since I tend to let things roll off my back).

I hope everything works out for you andyour hubby.  Marriage is hard work, but very worth it.


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## Erin Zarro (Apr 30, 2011)

So glad you guys talked.  Sometimes, that's the hardest part.


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## spotsmom (Jan 20, 2011)

I would be terrified to send my husband an email.  Once, when he was back East taking care of his parents, I wrote him a long letter (this was before email) talking about how I felt about things and because I had a wrist injury I typed it.  He absolutely came unglued "don't you ever send me a typed letter again".  Whoa.  Took a couple of steps back.


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## Tippy (Dec 8, 2008)

So glad you were able to talk.  I trust that all goes well from here.  Good Luck and you will continue to be in my thoughts.


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## 4Katie (Jun 27, 2009)

> One thing I do that DH has adopted is I email him things that bother me. I tend to be v emotional esp now since I'm 14 wks preggers, so this helps DH to really see what my point is, then he replies and after that, we are able to sit down and have a rational discussion about what is bothering us.


We've been married for 35 years, and are best friends and can talk to each other about anything. But I have resorted to this. Sometimes it's just easier.

It also works really well with teenagers. Much less confrontational than sitting across from one another at the table.


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## Alle Meine Entchen (Dec 6, 2009)

spotsmom said:


> I would be terrified to send my husband an email. Once, when he was back East taking care of his parents, I wrote him a long letter (this was before email) talking about how I felt about things and because I had a wrist injury I typed it. He absolutely came unglued "don't you ever send me a typed letter again". Whoa. Took a couple of steps back.


Emails work so well in our relationship b/c when DH and I started dating (over 7 yrs ago) he was living 2 hrs away from me @ the time and his job had just started doing a massive computer replacing (he's an it tech). The summer we dating (I added it up) he spent a total of 2 wks in his apartment, either from travel (he was gone every week) or from seeing me (his parent's live less than a 1/2 hr from me @ the time). The only time we were able to really talk was thru im and emails. Heck, we even did my engagement ring shopping via im. So, for us, email is really a way we communicate well. To this day, I'll send him love notes via email or give him a hard time about things (his worst habit that he won't change is not turning off the shower portion of our tub, so when I turn on the water to warm up for my shower, I get blasted by cold water. He feels that since he installed the shower, he gets to do whatever he wants w/ it. Since it's a small thing, I harass him about it, but don't get upset that much)


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## Stefanswit (May 9, 2011)

If there is one thing that 33 years of (happy) marriage and two wonderful kids have taught me it's this: communicate


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## balaspa (Dec 27, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your troubles.  I have been through a divorce before, and I know how bad it can get.  I hope it works out the best way possible for everyone.


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## Anne Victory (Jul 29, 2010)

Also coming late into this.  You've gotten some great advice, and I'm so glad that you've decided to stick it out for now.

My two cents:
Marriage isn't always happy.  It's not.  The advice about falling in love with your partner 100 times throughout your relationship was so beautiful, and so true.  My husband and I went through a VERY rough patch a few years back.  Well... about 3 or 4 years ago and we're at about the 6.75 year mark right now (anniversary is October 2nd).  Anyway - it was bad enough that he had talked to an attorney, I was ready to move out - it was bad.  BAD.  Undoubtedly, 99% of people out there would have counseled us to throw in the towel.  We went through two different counselors - the first one we went to told my husband that "Some people just aren't meant to be married."  I didn't find out about that until several weeks later or I'd have cussed somebody, I'm sure.  We switched counselors because hubby hated it sooo much.  Thankfully, counselor number 2 was a gem, truly.

Anyway, we stuck it out.  It was hard, and there were several times I thought we were done.  Hell, there were several times I WANTED us to be done because it was sooooo exhausting - the arguments, the issues, the emotions.  It took us about 6 mo. to a year to get back on an even keel, and I'm glad we are.  We have a very good relationship again and I think we're both happy.  I don't think we're unique, either.  Lots of couples hit rough patches and decide to do the work to stick together.

Anyway - best of luck to you.  If you want to PM me to talk, feel free   {{{HUGS}}}


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## jhanel (Dec 22, 2010)

Wow... having gone through a divorce myself, I know that this really sucks. I've lived that sleepless-night-bitter-day syndrome, and it's horrible. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it. I don't know what advice I can offer without knowing details other than "get counselling." *Seriously.* I know you said you tried it before, but finding a counselor is MUCH like finding a friend... not everyone who is breathing and can warm a seat will fit the bill.

If you are a part of a church, talk to your pastor/leader. If they don't feel comfortable enough to handle the counselling themselves, or if you don't feel comfortable with them in that role, that's okay!! Again, you'll need to find the right person for the task, and if they're a leader worth their salt, then they will understand that, and can hopefully direct you to someone who does fit your needs.

I can say this... there *IS* hope. I'm happily married, to the most incredible woman I could ever find!! God has brought me through so much, and I have found a new way to handle all of those past things. There is a new way to exist, and you don't have to live in the walking-on-eggshells-day-to-day life. There is hope.

As you can see here, you have folks out here in the never-never of the internet to support you. Feel free to PM me any time if you get stuck.

--Jerry.


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## bobavey (Sep 14, 2010)

I will pray for you.


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## PMartelly (May 1, 2011)

So this is my first real trip outside of the Book Baazar (mainly Writer's Cafe area), and I'm glad this was one of the first posts I saw!
What a heartwarming thread! All the support here is phenomenal. 

I'm pretty young, so I'm not married and I don't plan on getting married soon, so I can't offer any advice on that front. But I do hope everything is going well and that your meeting on 7/1 goes well!

Definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!


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## Glenn Bullion (Sep 28, 2010)

Pulling for you


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## *DrDLN* (dr.s.dhillon) (Jan 19, 2011)

Looks like you're not going to get any advice because that's something only you can decide.

But when every conversation turns into an argument there is always a deep down cause that is suppressed.  Figure out the reason and then discuss before you walk away.

Your problem is not rare. All of us have one issue or the other. So don't hesitate to share if it relieves some stress. Wish you all the best.


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## Ann Herrick (Sep 24, 2010)

There's a magazine, I'm pretty sure it's Ladies Home Journal, that I always read when I'm in a doctor's office waiting room, and it has a regular feature, "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" A couple goes to counseling, you read the basic problem, you read her side, his side and then the counselor comments. So often you would think the marriage could NEVER be saved, but it is. I'm pretty sure they put out a book called _Can This Marriage Be Saved?_ that might be helpful.

There's also the "trick" of deciding to treat your spouse for three weeks as if you are still madly in love. (You don't tell the spouse you are doing this, you just do it.) You do all the things people do when they are first falling in love. This is something where feelings are supposed to follow actions (you act as if you are in love, and suddenly you are again), and certainly the spouse would enjoy the treatment! Might be worth a try. I mean, 3 weeks after many years of marriage, is not all that long.

In any case, good luck and best wishes.


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## Val2 (Mar 9, 2011)

Are things better with you now? You are often in my thoughts as I seem to be going through one of the 'down' patches right now. I am hoping this will change soon, but it isn't nice.


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## cargalmn (Sep 29, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I sort of have intentionally been staying away from this thread, because it's so hard to read my own words, and sometimes the phenomenal support has the unintended affect of making me feel sorry for myself instead of supported.  LOL  

We're halfway through to the 7/1 date.  He feels better since we talked but I don't (typical, right?), and our root cause hasn't been addressed.  I know I need to find a counselor to help me sort through my feelings.  I know I need to prioritize it over other things (ie work) - it's just so easy to fall back into our old habit of "things are ok" and we can brush our troubles under the rug until the next time he can't sleep.

I know all this, and yet...it's difficult to prioritize ME over everything else.  And if I take that step, it's hard to not view it as a step toward...well...an unhappy outcome.

I hadn't read some of the more recent posts until today - and I'm *amazed* by your support.  Thank you, truly.  I apologize for avoiding this thread - I shouldn't have done that.  I KNOW I'm not alone, thanks to your posts.  This week I'll be filling in one of my closer girlfriends, so then I'll have someone I can talk to about this "live" too...


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## TraceyC/FL (Mar 23, 2011)

I hope you can find a way to sort out your feelings and deal with what needs to be dealt with.

Lots of hugs on that end...

I recently had my 23 month long nasty divorce finalize, at the 18.5 year of marriage mark. I did finally reach the "that was enough" point, urged on by an incident. It was a very emotional and financially abusive relationship the last 3-4 years, and horrid. I'm happy to be out, but I also wouldn't wish my divorce on my worst enemy.

So my only advice is to take that step for counseling and see where it goes.

Hang in there, and I really truly hope it all works out.


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## anne_holly (Jun 5, 2011)

I am new around here, and likely butting in uninvited, but I must admit your words "I've trained myself not to sleep until he does" trouble me enormously. I have lived with "touchy" men at points in my life - none were physically abusive, but had this personality where I was never sure whether they'd be okay or angry, and it created a great deal of anxiety for me. I am a non-conflict sort of person, and I couldn't deal with constantly hanging my energies on their mood swings. I'd take a good long look at that element if I were you. Just my two cents, and that's about what it's worth.

Beyond that, whatever works out best for you guys, I hope you find it and things go well for you. 

*hugs*


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## sinclairbrowning (May 16, 2011)

Of course you can put whatever IT is behind you. You can either decide to ignore IT forever (including having IT disturb your sleep) or you can bring IT out in the open, wrestle IT and cut ITS head off. Either way you need to be done with IT and get back to living your life the way you want to. If your husband won't let IT go maybe it's time to move on. The only way someone can make us miserable is if we let them. Don't let people rent space in your head if they're making you unhappy. Life is too short to volunteer for dread.

And isn't it interesting how much power IT has, even here, merely by capitalizing it?

The important thing to remember is that it is _your_ choice. Life is not a dress rehearsal. It is ours to decide how we want to live. Letting an issue, whatever it is rule your life is giving way too much control to it. You will never have today again.

As an old cowboy friend once told me, "Most people are as happy as they decide to be."

It's your life. Live it!


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## Bogbuilder (May 26, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your troubles, cargalmn. I can relate, because I went through similar when I split with my ex about 18 months ago. Course, I'm not saying that you ARE going to split...but I can very much relate to the atmosphere within the relationship when it seems to be going so bad. It feels so wrong, so devastating...all the time, I was thinking 'How the hell did it get like this?' But sometimes...well, it just doesn't work out.

If you're afraid of separation, don't be. It's one of those things we tend to build up in our minds as being absolutely terrifying, and though it can be very unpleasant, it is VERY surviveable. I survived it - it was as rough as hell, because I got involved in a bad rebound relationship afterwards...but there comes a time when it just passes, and you feel good and comfortable with getting on with your life again.

As I said, I'm not suggesting that this is where you marriage is headed - it's said in the hope that you do not fret over the idea of separation too much; such worry will be delibitating, and will not help you if you are working to save the relationship.

Try and be accepting as you can with things. Sometimes, sadly, a relationship is just not meant to be, no matter how much work we put into it. But sometimes they survive too. Just don't be afraid of the idea of being alone again. Trust me, the reality of it is nowhere near as fearsome as the thought of it.


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## Val2 (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi there
Did your checkpoint meeting go alright? I was thinking of you.


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