# The OFFICIAL Dalya Flogging Thread



## Nathalie Hamidi (Jul 9, 2011)

From now on, you're officially forbidden to be depressed.
People here love you, and think you're the best.
Stop melting down, embrace your writer-ness.
You're doing great.

Rump dance!
(_\_) (_|_) (_/_) (_|_) (_\_) *cha cha cha!*

Love, rainbows and unicorn farts all over you. <3


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## Gennita Low (Dec 13, 2012)

Oh, I thought we were flogging Dalya this morning, darnit. Instead we're doing the cha-cha-cha? (Puts away whip)

Fine. But this is before coffee.

(_\_) (_|_) (_/_) (_|_) (_\_) *cha-cha-cha!*


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## MegSilver (Feb 26, 2012)

I have no dignity. I'm doing the chicken dance.


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## tensen (May 17, 2011)

You mean she doesn't need? or want the flogging? Darn, I was ready!


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## Nathalie Hamidi (Jul 9, 2011)

The rump dance is a kind of flogging of its own... don't you think?  
I am shameless.


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## Lisa Grace (Jul 3, 2011)

I'd like to see George do a goat dance for Dalya. Or David Adams, fan-dance Hugh's imitation of Gangnam (Spelling?) style.


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## KGorman (Feb 6, 2011)

(_\_) (_|_) (_/_) (_|_) (_\_) *cha-cha-cha!*

Can we form a Conga line? Do the Macarena?


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## 41413 (Apr 4, 2011)

I think the way I want to flog Dalya is different than the way you guys want to.



_Hello._


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## vrabinec (May 19, 2011)

Ready. Let me know when she shows up.


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## KGorman (Feb 6, 2011)

Maybe we should call in Indie-ana Jones?


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## Nathalie Hamidi (Jul 9, 2011)

KGorman said:


> Maybe we should call in Indie-ana Jones?


As long as it isn't Indie-anal Jones, I'm all for it!


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## L.C. Candar (Sep 25, 2012)

Are we flogging the prawns too? If so, I need to get a smaller flogger.


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## David Adams (Jan 2, 2012)

LisaGraceBooks said:


> I'd like to see George do a goat dance for Dalya. Or David Adams, fan-dance Hugh's imitation of Gangnam (Spelling?) style.


I'm forbidden by UN Resolution to ever sing or dance in public, including in any manner which to my knowledge is recorded.

Also going to second (sixth?) Dalya's awesomeness. No more meltdowns, only chocolate and unicorn farts. 

(Seriously though, when I saw this thread title I thought something _entirely _different...)


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## wolfrom (May 26, 2012)

To be honest, Dalya's my favourite person on the boards. By comparison, the rest of you suck.


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## vrabinec (May 19, 2011)

David Adams said:


> (Seriously though, when I saw this thread title I thought something _entirely _different...)


perv


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## 60911 (Jun 13, 2012)

"Flogging Dalya" is a great name for an all-KB indie punk-alternative-kazoo band. I call dibs on playing the cowbell.


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## Nathalie Hamidi (Jul 9, 2011)

RobertJCrane said:


> "Flogging Dalya" is a great name for an all-KB indie punk-alternative-kazoo band. I call dibs on playing the cowbell.


OK I can tap-dance the drums part.


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## CEMartin2 (May 26, 2012)

wolfrom said:


> To be honest, Dalya's my favourite person on the boards. By comparison, the rest of you suck.


Dammit, I wanted to say something like that, but you beat me to it- and said it better.


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## SRecht (Oct 16, 2012)

RobertJCrane said:


> "Flogging Dalya" is a great name for an all-KB indie punk-alternative-kazoo band. I call dibs on playing the cowbell.


I've got the maracas.


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## Lyndawrites (Aug 7, 2011)

SRecht said:


> I've got the maracas.


You can get treatment for that 

And being British I thought the thread was about SELLING OFF Dalya! Eek. Can't do that, the woman's a National Treasure. (Not sure which nation, though

Anyway if we're selling Dalya, bags me first bid.


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## KellyHarper (Jul 29, 2012)

RobertJCrane said:


> "Flogging Dalya" is a great name for an all-KB indie punk-alternative-kazoo band. I call dibs on playing the cowbell.


I've got dibs on sitting on the corner of the stage drunk while looking at everyone with judgment in my eyes.


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## Scribbler (Apr 27, 2012)

Clueless Brit here. Who or what is Dalya? Sounds like a new vegetable alternative to meat. Amirite?


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## strath (Dec 31, 2012)

When's Dalya gonna show up for her flogging. I thought she liked it.

Still, it seems that the cat-of-nine-tails chosen is made of cotton candy, feathers, and tootsie rolls.

Ummm? She may like that too.


(Dalya, I suspect you will realize your true fan base here - I know your lurking. I can feel that mischief smile all the way over here.)


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Remember, folks, only Family Friendly Flogging allowed.  The three Fs.


Betsy


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## robin_hart (Dec 21, 2012)

Yeah where is Dayla?  She always makes me smile.  Where the prawns at?  Bring back the prawns!


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## vrabinec (May 19, 2011)

Scribbler said:


> Clueless Brit here. Who or what is Dalya? Sounds like a new vegetable alternative to meat. Amirite?


More of a fruity coockie...


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## Kay Bratt (Dec 28, 2011)

wolfrom said:


> To be honest, Dalya's my favourite person on the boards. By comparison, the rest of you suck.


I named a main character in my trilogy after her.

Beat that.


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## Nathalie Hamidi (Jul 9, 2011)

I'm the David Adams to Dalya's Hugh Howeyness.
Beat THAT.


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## Gennita Low (Dec 13, 2012)

In the band, I want to flog Dalya with my xy-low-phone sticks!


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## SRecht (Oct 16, 2012)

Nathalie Hamidi said:


> I'm the David Adams to Dalya's Hugh Howeyness.
> Beat THAT.


Now it's getting really weird. Where's Dalya?!


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## Gennita Low (Dec 13, 2012)

I told Dalya a secret that shocked her. Beat that.


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## Pnjw (Apr 24, 2011)

I think Dayla read this thread while working out on her treadmill, tried to make a new prawn graphic, was distracted and fell off.  She is now laying unconscious with her hairless cat licking her face.


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## KellyHarper (Jul 29, 2012)

Deanna Chase said:


> I think Dayla read this thread while working out on her treadmill, tried to make a new prawn graphic, was distracted and fell off. She is now laying unconscious with her hairless cat licking her face.


Dalya's new name is Selena Kyle


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

Last night I noticed a newish feature on Amazon where there are individual highlights from people along with their comments.

I smiled when I saw kind of a silly phrase of mine highlighted.

A moment later, I realized the tag put on by the highlighter was (paraphrasing) that it was the stupidest thing ever.

So now Amazon is bringing the meangirls mockery directly to our book pages. Awesome. (Yesterday was not a good day.)










Yeah, I've been pretty cranky. I know I need to pull it together. Thanks for this thread, and you guys are making me cry happy tears, you bastards.


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## David Adams (Jan 2, 2012)

Dalya said:


> Last night I noticed a newish feature on Amazon where there are individual highlights from people along with their comments.
> 
> I smiled when I saw kind of a silly phrase of mine highlighted.


I know that feel bro-ette. I did exactly the same thing. Noticed the highlights, then saw what was being highlighted...










Actually, to be honest, my usual policy applies: Be unfailingly polite, offer him a refund, maybe tweak the complained-about sections in rewrites, and just go "come at me bro". In an affectionate way.

Honestly, gotta remember, a lot of readers like knowing the worst bits of anything in advance (I often buy based on the contents of 1 and 2-stars, for example, more than 4 or 5's). If that's the worst thing they could find in the book then I'm pretty happy.

I mean it could be a LOT worse. I mean, I fixed this one, remember this?:










But that got into print. People bought my print books with that typo there. They bought my ebooks and didn't update their Kindle versions. Their eyes touched this _unclean_ thing and forever will it be there.


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## robin_hart (Dec 21, 2012)

Dalya said:


> Last night I noticed a newish feature on Amazon where there are individual highlights from people along with their comments.
> 
> I smiled when I saw kind of a silly phrase of mine highlighted.
> 
> ...


Wow...just wow. You're allowed to be cranky. That's ouchy.


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

robin_hart said:


> Wow...just wow. You're allowed to be cranky. That's ouchy.


I'LL SHOW THEM STUPID! WAIT TIL MY NEXT BOOK!!!

 

David - that's kinda ouch. At least most reviews don't mock single sentences taken out of context. If Amazon were a person, I would kick it in the chowderbucket right now.

Let us name this new


Spoiler



[crap]*ss


 "feature" on Amazon.

Some suggestions:

The Feature That Makes Smashwords Look Good by Comparison
The Feature That Shall Not Be Brought Up in Polite Company
The Feature That Makes you Long for the Cleansing Apocalypse

ETA: We're going out for a high-calorie lunch and I think the afternoon will look much better!


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## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

Dalya said:


> I'LL SHOW THEM STUPID! WAIT TIL MY NEXT BOOK!!!


I know, right? I looked at David's post and my first thought was "Dang, someone thought _that_ was a long sentence? I've done way worse than that." But I tend to have that response to most complaints. "Ruh-roh, I've done worse. Repeatedly."

For the record, I'm quite ambivalent about this feature, largely because exactly two of my fifteen titles have _any_ highlights. And one other one has a solitary note.

_--George, who's trying to work 'unexpurgated' into a sex scene..._


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## Kay Bratt (Dec 28, 2011)

Nathalie Hamidi said:


> I'm the David Adams to Dalya's Hugh Howeyness.
> Beat THAT.


I'm done.

I could never come close to that sort of Idolatry.



[sorry, Dalya....gotta run! And thanks for the heads up on the shitass thingie...I'll be sure NOT to look..]


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## TexasGirl (Dec 21, 2011)

Uggh, yes, typos live forever with that dang feature. On the upside, if readers are the new gatekeepers, maybe they can just be the new editors too. Keep 'em coming, honey!

Dalya, you got past the censors. Shitass! Shitass! Shitass!


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

KayBratt said:


> I'm done.
> 
> I could never come close to that sort of Idolatry.
> 
> ...


heheh. I think having a character with my name is pretty high up there. But I'm not gonna rate my KB friends on a scale or anything! That sounds like something Amazon would have us do!!! Evil Amazon!



TexasGirl said:


> Uggh, yes, typos live forever with that dang feature. On the upside, if readers are the new gatekeepers, maybe they can just be the new editors too. Keep 'em coming, honey!
> 
> Dalya, you got past the censors. Shitass! Shitass! Shitass!


Pottymouth ALWAYS cheers me up!


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## MegSilver (Feb 26, 2012)

Do I have to whip out the Cpt. Jack "But you HAVE heard of me" clip again?


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## EC Sheedy (Feb 24, 2011)

Dalya said:


> Last night I noticed a newish feature on Amazon where there are individual highlights from people along with their comments.
> 
> I smiled when I saw kind of a silly phrase of mine highlighted.
> 
> ...


Dalya, hand off whatever negative issues you have, to the cat. He can handle them.


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## C.P.D.Harris (Dec 30, 2012)

"The Feature That Makes you Long for the Cleansing Apocalypse" has my vote, so long as it has fire. I just can't get behind cleansing apocalypses that don't involve fire.


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## Pnjw (Apr 24, 2011)

Oh thank goodness! The (non) hairless cat revived you!

By the way, I'm always scared to look at those highlights for fear I'll find a typo or a mean comment.


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## wolfrom (May 26, 2012)

I'm going to put a Dalya into my novel, too. I recommend we all do... for science or whatever.

My Dalya likes to rescue living torture victims by surreptitiously swapping them out with replacement corpses. She also likes pepperoni pizza and virtual golf.

Oh, and she enjoys floggings, of course.


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## robin_hart (Dec 21, 2012)

Dalya said:


> I'LL SHOW THEM STUPID! WAIT TIL MY NEXT BOOK!!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's what makes you awesome, you take the hit, then you come right back fighting, and it helps other authors do the same.


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## MegSilver (Feb 26, 2012)

I think we should just call it trollcam.


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## A. S. Warwick (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't see a whole lot of flogging going on in here - false advertising! 

No wonder w never get stuff written, hanging around and partaking in threads like this....


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

A. S. Warwick said:


> I don't see a whole lot of flogging going on in here - false advertising!
> 
> No wonder w never get stuff written, hanging around and partaking in threads like this....


I've done nothing but emails and website updates and admin stuff today! Plus sulking ... but that was mostly last night.

I'm going to buckle down for an hour of hardcore revisions! Just a few more posts on KB ...


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## A. S. Warwick (Jan 14, 2011)

Dalya said:


> I've done nothing but emails and website updates and admin stuff today! Plus sulking ... but that was mostly last night.
> 
> I'm going to buckle down for an hour of hardcore revisions! Just a few more posts on KB ...


Its always just a few more posts...


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## TexasGirl (Dec 21, 2011)

HEY, I can cut back at any time.


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## 39179 (Mar 16, 2011)

Dalya said:


> Some suggestions:
> 
> The Feature That Makes Smashwords Look Good by Comparison
> The Feature That Shall Not Be Brought Up in Polite Company
> The Feature That Makes you Long for the Cleansing Apocalypse


The Feature That Makes Reading Your Goodreads Reviews Feel Pleasureable.
The Feature That Makes Medieval Stocks Seem Cute.


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## JGray (Mar 7, 2012)

The only thing I got from this entire thread: shitass.

And trust me, anal leakage is no fun.


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

Andrew Biss said:


> The Feature That Makes Reading Your Goodreads Reviews Feel Pleasureable.
> The Feature That Makes Medieval Stocks Seem Cute.


We could just call it ...

The [crap]*ss.

eta: OH NO I GOT CENSORED! OKAY. I had that coming.


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## 39179 (Mar 16, 2011)

Dalya said:


> We could just call it ...
> 
> The Shitass.


True. But maybe Anal Leakage sounds more professional?


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

*hangs head in pretend shame*

eta: The truth is, the first time I typed that particular word, I thought the filter would change it. I was surprised that it went up, and then I later went in to remove it, but someone had already quotes me.

SORRY, MODS! MY BAD!


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## George Berger (Aug 7, 2011)

Andrew Biss said:


> The Feature That Makes Reading Your Goodreads Reviews Feel Pleasureable.
> The Feature That Makes Medieval Stocks Seem Cute.


The Painful Burning Sensation


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## JGray (Mar 7, 2012)

Dalya said:


> *hangs head in pretend shame*


Raise your chin up, Dalya, for you invented a word that necessitated a new censor.


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

ShortySmalls said:


> Raise your chin up, Dalya, for you invented a word that necessitated a new censor.


Hey, so one time I was co-hosting a Live, National Radio Show in Canada because I'm a Big Deal, and we had a chat room with custom filters that would occasionally block hilarious words, like w********h (wristwatch) because of words within the words.


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

Indeed.  An achievement to be proud of. *rolls eyes*  

Carry on with the flogging....


Betsy


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## JGray (Mar 7, 2012)

Dalya said:


> Hey, so one time I was co-hosting a Live, National Radio Show in Canada because I'm a Big Deal, and we had a chat room with custom filters that would occasionally block hilarious words, like w********h (wristwatch) because of words within the words.


LOL

Like S***flake?


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## CaseyHollingshead (Dec 8, 2012)

When he left to run the tests, I jumped up on the doctor's bed, scissoring my legs over the edge as if there was anything else to do. The wrapping paper scratched with every kick, but it'd scratch even if I was still. I looked at the walls. Pictures of my doctor everywhere doing nondoctor things. Unsettling. There was also a line of kiddie artwork -- planes piloted by pigs, trains engineered by turtles, what did they mean? Were they supposed to be inspiring? I looked at the container of cotton balls and imagined dipping my hand into it. The hair on my neck rose, and my back shivered. I looked at a hole in the wall above the doorstop, rather, above the doorstop that failed to do its doorstopping job. I looked at the doorknob. There was an inside lock. But wasn't there a lock on the outside, too? Who was locking out who? Did my doctor lock the door when he left? Bah. I heard the hum of a ventilation shaft so, naturally, I looked for it. The white grate was just behind me, nestled into the corner. A string of paper mache undulated from the snare of a screw. Now, that's something. I could even see the dust on it. How long had it been there?

My doctor came back in. I turned, a bit startled.

He said, You ready for the results?

I cracked my knuckles.

Don't do that, he said.

Sorry.

You ready?

Hit me.

It's pretty simple, really. You have anal leakage.

I hanged my head low. I muttered, [crap]*ss.

Mmhmm, he said. That's one way to put it.


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## teashopgirl (Dec 8, 2011)

I just want to say that Dalya Moon is the coolest name ever. I like saying it out loud.


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)




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## 39179 (Mar 16, 2011)

George Berger said:


> The Painful Burning Sensation


Ouch! Don't remind me, George.

Btw, I think that [crap]*ss looks even more bad*ss than the original.


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## Betsy the Quilter (Oct 27, 2008)

I could have just gone for [expletive] but [crap]*ss amused me. It may yet change.

*rolls eyes again*

buncha s***flakes...

Betsy


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## Gennita Low (Dec 13, 2012)

Dalya said:


>


Oh. My. God. Creative excretion. I'm totally borrowing the phrase.


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## Pnjw (Apr 24, 2011)

Shitass is very amusing. Well done, Betsy. Well done.


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## MegSilver (Feb 26, 2012)

Is that like... _special_ s***flake?


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## sarracannon (Apr 19, 2011)

I love KindleBoards. And I love Dalya. It just needed to be said.

I have laughed so hard at this thread, I think I peed a little.


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

I did revisions for 2.5 hours and nobody in the WIP died.

The flogging may have helped. I certainly had a good number of laughs today at this thread.

It took me about an hour to come up with a "tag" for that CSI/David Caruso meme, but I think it was worth the effort, plus now we have a new swear word!


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## SBJones (Jun 13, 2011)

Dalya said:


> ETA: We're going out for a high-calorie lunch and I think the afternoon will look much better!


Made me think of this.


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## lungtastic (May 23, 2011)

Dalya said:


>


This is truly the most awesome thing I have seen all day...


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## Selina Fenech (Jul 20, 2011)

How does it feel to have all of KB crushing on you? I'd be jealous, but I'm too busy crushing on you too.


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## dalya (Jul 26, 2011)

Selina Fenech said:


> How does it feel to have all of KB crushing on you? I'd be jealous, but I'm too busy crushing on you too.


It brings out my Imposter Syndrome. LOL.


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## Selina Fenech (Jul 20, 2011)

Pfft, Imposter Syndrome, we all have that. It's way better than the Dunning-Kruger effect. Throw in some paranioa and you could think you only suffer the imposter syndrome because you have the Dunning-Kruger effect and are unable to internalise accomplishments that aren't even real accomplishments to start with.


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## Steve Vernon (Feb 18, 2011)

I went looking for my cat-of-nine-prawns - only to discover that the cat had eaten all of the prawns for breakfast...


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