# Rules set for you by your wife/fiancee/girlfriend



## hidden_user (Dec 20, 2010)

*OR ... Rules set for you by your husband/fiancee/boyfriend ??*

"Rules set for you by your wife/fiancee/girlfriend" -- Was the topic of a thread on a totally unrelated to e-books forum that I'm a member of. The forum is made up of mostly men and here are some of their answers ~

- I'm not allowed to be myself and speak my mind outside our home.

- Not allowed to ...
1. Own a motorcycle
2. Own a flying lawnchair
3. Let ALL of the cockatoos fly around the house.

- I cant look at other women
Smoke more that 4 cigs a day
She does not mind If I own a nuke as long as I dont launch it

- For some reason, constructive criticism doesn't go over very well in my house.

- She would not marry me until I promised to never again ride a motorcycle.
Also, she now prohibits me eating biscuits (something to do with hydrogenation).

- No loading the dishwasher, evidently I do it wrong.

- My ex only gave me one rule:
Stop trying to teach the cat to walk on a leash. It pisses him off and wastes your time.
I taught him to do it, but it took 2 years.

- "Rules set for you by your wife/fiancee/girlfriend " ... Sorry, does not compute.

- only 1 rule really: I'm wrong

- Years ago a relative gave me 5 rules that all men need to be happy in life:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 
5. It's Very, Very important that these four women DO NOT know each other!

- 1. No "racing" while going anywhere, if she's not in the car. Weird, that she doesn't mind when she's with me.
2. No biting of my nails. I also can't make any noise with my nails, especially that clicking sound from cleaning under my nails.
3. I can't punch people in the face if they make me angry. This goes double for the elderly.
4. PIITB is definitely NEVER going to happen.

- may not:
1. Smoke cigars in the house. (And I bought the damn house)
2. May not interrupt her when she in on the phone.
3. May not continue a phone conversation when she wants to talk to me.
4. May not ask her questions she does not want to answer.
5. May not withold any information if she asks.
6. Must babysit, even if I have other plans.
7. Must babysit if she has other plans.
8. Must not make any mention of other women.
9. Must give opinion of other women if asked.
10. Must never have the last word on anything,in any conversation, ever.

- 1. "I don't care if you go to a strip club, just don't tell me about it."
2. "If you plan on buying anything more expensive than a weeks worth of groceries, call me first."

- Stay out of the kitchen unless I am ordered to clean things
Do NOT attempt to cook anything in the kitchen without adult or fire department supervision

- Oh! I forgot the doozy that I absolutely hate: "Driving is a man's job."

- I wasn't allowed to stand like Captain Morgan when naked for some reason.

- The washing machine is off limits. Apparently, me "helping out" with the laundry is not a help. Something about ruining her clothes... Oh well...

- My wife has but one rule, I take care of her and the kids, and stay faithful.

- The only ones that come to mind are that I should be fiscally responsible (though I do this myself anyways) and don't bring other women home unless she approves first. Probably the funniest part is that most of our friends when we were in college would do whatever she said, she had a "scary face" that made them compliant. She tries it on me from time to time and I just laugh in her face. She gets frustrated at first, then just laughs cause she appreciates that fact that I have a spine and don't just give in whenever she wants something.

- Wow, I feel sorry for some of you guys. My only rule is I can't drink straight from the milk carton. Or feed the dog 'people food'.

- I wasn't allowed to wear my favorite black high tops, with or without socks.

- Have my paycheck direct deposited.
No girlfriends.
No outward signs of pleasure.

- I shall not finish sentences.
I may only start them for her to complete.

- I'm reminded of a line from a David Spade movie, where he's playing a single guy talking to some married buddies.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to doing whatever I want, all of the time."

- Other than no girlfriends and try not to talk till a commercial while she is watching a show there are no other rules.

- It would be easier for me to list the things I can do. I'll get back to you on that.

- 1) Do not refer to her as bitch (her pet peeve) even in jest
2) No spending w/o prior discussion

- [and from one of the few female forum members] I'm the girlfriend in the relationship and my only rule (really a request) is that on those occasional, rare nights when I drink heavily and show my arse...no reminders the next day! More than likely, my hangover and that awful, dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach is enough. No comments from the boyfriend peanut gallery please. Other than that, use your own judgement (which hopefully works when Gene Simmons and trashy women show up!).

- 1. The burn pile is NOT to be started with gasoline and a road flare. But the propane powered harbor-freight flame thrower torch is fair game.
2. The barn cats are NOT substitute squeeky toys for the dogs and this behavior is not to be encouraged.
3. I cannot shave cool symbols or sayings on the sides of the alpacas.

- "It's me or your motorcycles" - I wonder where she lives now?

- 1. No dead animal heads hanging on the wall allowed in the house, antlers ok, but not the whole head.
2. No animal parts from the latest hunting trip allowed inside the house until they're wrapped in butcher paper.
3. I'm not allowed to sort laundry.
4. Any home decorations purchased at Cabela's including the shotgun shell Christmas light strings are not allowed in the house.

- Not supposed to fart, but some rules are made to be broken very, very often...and as a form of protest against one who thinks she can make the rules.

- 1. Do not run the washing machine,something to do with Bras and Bath towels you should have seen the hooks in the terry cloth a total loss.
2. Do not run the clothes dryer. She came home early and found my deer hides I was tanning in the dryer.

- No cleaning game in the house.
No sharks with friggin' laser beams on their heads.
No kegs in the living room.

- 1. No pretending to be a Satan's Disciple when the in-laws visit
2. No naked lawn mowing even if I am wearing a hat - it does not make me 'technically' clothed.


----------



## Leslie (Apr 7, 2008)

Well, Hidden User, there seem to be some conflicting messages in there. You might want to ask for some clarification. In our house, it's pretty simple:

Leslie is in charge
Leslie's pleasure is our shared mutual pleasure.

Everything derives from that.

Questions? Just ask.

L


----------



## hidden_user (Dec 20, 2010)

Those were a  list of various comments from my forum friends LOL. I found them entertaining and somewhat thought provoking and perhaps even silly. I thought it COULD make a fun and interesting thread topic here :dunno: As for me, I'm a member of the single herd, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to doing whatever I want, all of the time"


----------



## kindlequeen (Sep 3, 2010)

These are too funny!  I've attempted to implement a "Do NOT give the wife wet willies" rule in our house.... but it failed!

A very definite new rule did pop up this morning, though:  

Do not test your new Saws-all on the dining room furniture, no matter how excited you are about it!  This includes the new circular saw too....


----------



## Alle Meine Entchen (Dec 6, 2009)

the major rule in our house is this:  DH is not allowed to touch Alle's feet unless she is VERY pregnant and begs him to


----------



## metal134 (Sep 2, 2010)

This is why I'm single.  This thread has further convinced me that I am making the right decsion is staying that way.


----------



## Iwritelotsofbooks (Nov 17, 2010)

what makes the wife happy makes everyone happy and what makes the wife miserable makes everyone miserable is a good axiom to go by.


----------



## intinst (Dec 23, 2008)

.


lacymarankevinmichael said:


> what makes the wife happy makes everyone happy and what makes the wife miserable makes everyone miserable is a good axiom to go by.


Just beat me out

All the rules can be boiled down to mostly one:
If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.


----------



## ◄ Jess ► (Apr 21, 2010)

The only rule I can think of is that my bf is not allowed to steal all the blankets when we sleep. But he never listens and steals them all anyway. I've taken to keeping a spare blanket next to the bed that I can grab in the middle of the night.  

He's also not allowed to ruffle my face with tags (I...can't...stand that feeling), but he does that too! He once even woke me up that way in the morning.

What can I say, he's not a good listener.


----------



## farrellclaire (Mar 5, 2010)

Ha, we have one or two rules.   

Mine are:

No drinking games when I'm not there to make sure he gets home safe (last time was on holiday, he went missing and we later found him asleep in a wardrobe - we're keeping this rule forever).

No motorcycles or starting fights with/responding to scumbags (danger, danger!)

No wet willies and there is to be no touching (and absolutely no tickling) of my feet or bellybutton.  Just . . . no.

No drunken antics reminders.  (He breaks this one every chance he gets).

His rules:

No wandering off.  (Um, 'cos I wander off).

No questions/chat while he's playing World of Warcraft or Call of Duty.  (Never ever).

No chatter about shops having sales unless he wants to tell me about a new pet he got on WoW.  (Then we both pretend to listen).


----------



## MariaESchneider (Aug 1, 2009)

metal134 said:


> This is why I'm single. This thread has further convinced me that I am making the right decsion is staying that way.


Nonsense. We're not all bad...

My mom allowed the antlers and the animal heads, although she is VERY tired of the one in the living room. It does rather ... loom. She drew the line at the bearskin rug, so I got it!!!

My parents have been married for 50 years--and they are still vying for "head of the household" (not the animal heads, mind you!)

As for husband and I we don't have rules. Oh sure, we attempt to have rules, but what a farce. I cannot follow rules. They annoy me. As for husband, he declares he has no need for my rules as he is quite grown up. Hey, he does his own laundry, vacuums now and then and knows how to load the dishwasher. I'm not going to push my luck!


----------



## Thumper (Feb 26, 2009)

Other peoples' no motorcycle rules makes me a very sad Wabbt...


----------



## farrellclaire (Mar 5, 2010)

Thumper said:


> Other peoples' no motorcycle rules makes me a very sad Wabbt...


Most people just aren't responsible enough for a motorcycle. When I say most people, I mean my OH.


----------



## MichelleR (Feb 21, 2009)

*If I'm typing or reading, leave me alone. While you're leaving me alone, you are welcome to do whatever in the heck you want -- with the exception of screaming expletives at the TV.

It's one rule and he has problems with it. Go figure.


----------



## Forster (Mar 9, 2009)

No "rules", just mutual respect for one another, the rest falls in place.


----------



## MariaESchneider (Aug 1, 2009)

Forster said:


> No "rules", just mutual respect for one another, the rest falls in place.


Which, admittedly, isn't nearly so funny as the examples above...


----------



## Laurie (Jan 9, 2009)

What!? Men have RULES!!?? Evidently nobody ever told my husband that's how it works.  

Just kidding. We've never really had any rules, but I think if I tried to force a few on him he'd do exactly what I said he couldn't do just to spite me. The only "rule" I ever insisted on was no smoking in the house. I put up a good argument about that when our daugher was 2 years old and kept having respiratory issues. She's 20 now, and he's abided by that rule all these years. Well, except for the occasional cigarette that he thinks he sneaks in the bathroom.


----------



## MichelleR (Feb 21, 2009)

All I'm saying is that, for the people who identify as writers, you'd better have a no disturb rule. Otherwise it's too easy for people to forget that you have a job, even if you work from home. You become the person expected to do everything because you allegedly have nothing else going on. I'm far too lovable to be ignored otherwise.


----------



## Forster (Mar 9, 2009)

MariaESchneider said:


> Which, admittedly, isn't nearly so funny as the examples above...


Well we do have one rule. I don't ask her how much she spends on clothes and she doesn't ask me how much I spend on guns.


----------



## lonestar (Feb 9, 2010)

I don't read his mail.  He doesn't read mine.


----------



## Brenda Carroll (May 21, 2009)

Never, ever place the dinnerware in the dishwasher points up!  This is a horrible, capital crime.  You can leave the Puglet outside, forgotten in the freezing rain, but never, ever put those forks and knives point up in the utensil holder either!! It's OK to eat popcorn in bed, but the tines must be pointed down in the kitchen.  It has something to do with ley lines and the magnetic fields surrounding the earth and the influx of cosmic waves from Sirius and the Pleaides.  If the tines are pointed up, then these mysterious waves are diverted into the sink and/or garbage disposal where they become locked in unnatural vortices.  These unnatural vortices will cause toilets in Sydney to flush backwards which will confuse our brothers and sisters near Ayers Rock, which we all know is the most spiritual place on earth and it's not good to upset the spiritual balance...
Hey, does anyone here think that Ayers Rock looks like a push button from space?  Just wondering why you read this far...


----------



## Iwritelotsofbooks (Nov 17, 2010)

mandatory massage monday.  Or, you know, whenever I can sneak a freebie.


----------



## JennaAnderson (Dec 25, 2009)

I had to implement a style rule in our house. I told my husband to get rid of all his clothing with words on them when he reached 40. It's ok when you are in high school or college and on your way to or from softball but after a point they need to go. Hats, t-shirts, sweatpants, sweatshirts, polos, etc... everything had words on them!! Remember those shiny snap-up jackets? He had a couple and I tossed them in the charity bag. "But, once I lose some weight I can wear them again." No you can't.


----------



## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

hidden_user said:


> No loading the dishwasher, evidently I do it wrong.


It's a sublime skill to be able to offer your help, pretend like you're really trying, but


Spoiler



f***


 it up so completely she begs you not to do it again.

There are quite a few chores around the house I'm not allowed to do anymore.


----------



## swolf (Jun 21, 2010)

This isn't really a rule, but instead a 'tradition' she insists I follow.

A few years ago, she bought me a buckskin jacket for my birthday, along with a baseball cap that has fake antlers on it.  Since then, she insists I go out and walk around in the woods wearing this getup.  Said it's a tradition for the men in her family to do this every December 4th.

I don't know.  Makes no sense to me, but it keeps her happy so I do it.  And she always has this surprised look on her face when I come back home, as if she misses me so much.


----------



## Tip10 (Apr 16, 2009)

Only rule my DW offered up when we got married:
Might end in homicide, won't end in divorce.  
Ever since then, for some strange reason, I've endeavored to keep her happy.


----------



## BTackitt (Dec 15, 2008)

Wow.. the rules in our home aren't for the 2 of us.. 
For the kids (and this one came EARLY ON- and is the #1 rule for them) *If it's not yours.. Don't touch.*
we are non-smokers but, For visitors,* no smoking inside, ever.* ( almost hit his mother over this one when our kids were babies- she refused to abide by it when visiting.)


----------



## sandypeach (Oct 28, 2008)

#1 rule for me in our house:

PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!

Paul


----------



## TheRiddler (Nov 11, 2010)

Apparently:

What's mine is hers, and what's hers is hers...


----------



## Annalog (Dec 28, 2008)

sandypeach said:


> #1 rule for me in our house:
> 
> PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!
> 
> Paul


Neither DH nor I could think of any rules we made for the other one to follow but one of the house rules for anyone in the house is:

The toilet seat and lid should both always be down before the toilet is flushed and left down when it is not in use for the following reasons:

It keeps pets, such as dogs or cats, from drinking, playing in, or falling in the water.
When young children are in the house, keeping the lid down seems to reduce the likelyhood of small objects, such as keys or cell phones, from being flushed. It also seems to deter them from drinking, playing in, or falling in the water.
When the toilet is near the counter, clumsy people are less likely to knock toothbrushes, hair brushes, etc. into the water.
It limits the "aerosol effect". (We had this rule in place due to pet issues about a year prior to the 1975 article by University of Arizona environmental microbiologist Charles Gerba.)


----------



## Iwritelotsofbooks (Nov 17, 2010)

Tip10 said:


> Only rule my DW offered up when we got married:
> Might end in homicide, won't end in divorce.
> Ever since then, for some strange reason, I've endeavored to keep her happy.


Good prep for the honeymoon--don't make me kill you.


----------



## Geoffrey (Jun 20, 2009)

sandypeach said:


> #1 rule for me in our house:
> 
> PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!
> 
> Paul


Our house is a man's house. Once or twice I've insisted my female friends return to the bathroom and put the toilet seat back up where it belongs.


----------



## Tip10 (Apr 16, 2009)

With regards to the toilet seat.  I am male but I was properly trained by my mother to ALWAYS put the seat down. 

When I was in high school I went with a friend up to their cabin in the Sierras skiing -- had been there one night when his mother came to me and said:
"Tip, I appreciate that your mother apparently raised you correctly, something I've not been able to do with my own sons.
But, I must ask if you would PLEASE leave the Toilet seat up while you are here."
Seeing my confused look she elaborated:
"The plumbing comes into this cabin underground, if you put the seat down it tends to become freezing cold and when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and my butt hits that cold seat I no longer CAN go and I end up having to stay up quite a bit longer warming me and the seat until I can!"
To which I busted up laughing and told her I'd try but it was gonna be hard to break about a 18 year habit.

Only time in my life I've ever had a lady tell me to leave the seat up.
She was a pretty neat lady too!


----------



## caseyf6 (Mar 28, 2010)

Annalog said:


> Neither DH nor I could think of any rules we made for the other one to follow but one of the house rules for anyone in the house is:
> 
> The toilet seat and lid should both always be down before the toilet is flushed and left down when it is not in use for the following reasons:
> 
> ...


Yes-- this is our household rule, too. For all the reasons mentioned. I grew up in AZ so I've grown up knowing about the aerosol issue...yuck.

My Father-in-law *cannot* put the danged lid down!! Drives me NUTS. And then the cats want to play...UGH.


----------



## ajhunter (Aug 23, 2010)

There are no set rules in our house, but there is one unspoken one that I live by that seems to work out very well for both of us...

"A happy wife is a happy life."

Seriously, though.  She's spoiled.  She knows it, but she has never and will never take advantage of that.  Therefore, I am happy keeping her happy


----------



## cargalmn (Sep 29, 2010)

I inadvertently created a rule for my husband when he & I were dating.  I had a bit too much (ok WAY too much) to drink at a work event years and years ago, and he was kind enough to come and pick me up.  I had been to a, um, strip club that day - my first time (and it was ladies stripping) - and was apparently a little shocked by what I saw.  (it was a very eventful day)

Apparently on the way home, I kept saying "they had STRIPPERS there, there were NAKED ladies, you can never-ever go there!"  

He still quotes me on it.  As often as he can.  LOL

He's also never been to a strip club and we're both in our mid-30s.


----------

